Reasoned decison or overprotective?

[darien]

This is mostly a vent, but advice and commentary are welcomed.

I have decided not to send my 3 year old (4 come Oct.) to any kind of preschool or daycare this fall. I'm getting flack from a surprising range of people about this. :

I have heard that I'm overprotective, that I'm sheltering him and stunting his social and academic growth, that I'm neurotically attached to him, that I should take more "me" time, and that I should put him in school so I can get out there and make some "real" money.

When I say that ds is not ready for, or really suited to preschool, everyone thinks I'm exaggerating. This is a child who is loud and active. He follows me around the house, throws a huge fit if I'm not available to him when he wants. Going out on a very hot day, sun in his eyes, and having a stuffy nose are some of the things that make him scream. He takes a good while to warm up to kids or adults. He doesn't like to do most group activities. He's not particularly agressive, but he will fight if "provoked." He's also very into pretending, and likely to throw a fit if you deny his right to be a dragon, or a bat, or Hercules.

Most importantly, he doesn't want to go, and I'm not in a situation where I have to make him.

It's not a choice I made lightly. I really would like to spend some dc-free time and do work where I could interact with other adults. Every other kid in our neighborhood over 2 seems to be in daycare or preschool, and I do want ds to have playmates!

Everyone says "He'd adjust." Well, he tried a month of "Mother's Day Out" last year, and didn't even begin to adjust. I know my kid, and I have several years experience teaching 2-7 year olds, so I can verify that some kids don't fit, and don't adjust.

I'd love to have a kid that I could drop off at school and not be worried that I was going to get a call in an hour to come pick him up, but I don't-- and it's not just my imagination!

[tankgirl73]

Well, as a dedicated homeschooler, I'm certainly on your side lol... DS is 10 and still hasn't made it to preschool teehee...

If you need more encouragement, try reading "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" for a good thorough (and scientific) debunking of the myths about children "have" to go to preschool, socialize, etc etc. Also try "Einstein Never Used Flashcards" for support on how standard preschool and early education does NOT help children learn, how early emphasis on academics hampers the long-term learning process.

My SIL (also a homeschooler) had a reply for when she was accused of being 'over-protective' -- at least that she would say to herself! She says "darn right I'm being protective!! That's my job!"

She likens it to the newly-planted trees you see at curbsides... they're not just left to fend for themselves, the city puts protective cages and supports around them. Once they're strong enough to withstand things on their own, the supports are taken down.

There are tons of other analogies you could come up with too. No parent would just throw their child out into the world -- we guide them carefully and expose them to new things when they're ready. This idea has gotten lost on many parents, though, when it comes to certain activities or issues regarding "independence" for instance. We all protect our very young kids from electric sockets, from chokable toys and foods, from too-hot and too-cold, from running into the street -- why not just say "oh they'll adjust" to those hazards???

Yet it seems to be only those PHYSICAL dangers that society generally agrees on. Get to the psychological, emotional, and social dangers of too-early schooling, institutionalized care, etc etc, and they just say "they'll adjust".

Argghhhh....

Hang tight! You're doing the right thing!! You're doing your JOB as a parent!

[kindacrunchy]

should, should, should. doing the "shoulds" and going against your gut just runs you into trouble. do what feels right. he's your kid and you know him best. good luck!

[lactivist]

I always feel that moms know their kids better than anyone else. Some kids are not suited for school, my ds1 isn't. My ds2 thrives in school (the first one I put there because it suited him so well) but that is his style. It is irritating to me when people think they know someone's children's needs better than the child's own mother. You do exactly what you feel is the best choice for your family and don't look back. Your child is lucky to have such a strong advocate.
Wendi

[2cutiekitties]

You know your child better than anyone. Every kid is different. I hate this one size fits all country we live in.

Quite frankly I think my 17 month old is ready but to bad for him, he is stuck with me

[mean_jeannie]

Sounds like a reasoned decision to me.

[dbsam]

I think you made the right decision.
I know what you are going through.

My children were signed up for preschool last fall – at aged three when most children tend to go. I pulled them out the week before school started and am so glad. My primary/spoken reason was they were not 100% potty trained – I never pushed it. But there were many reasons including my daughter's behavior and my son's over-sensitive personality. I was told all the same things you were, even told to send them anyway and they’ll figure out really fast not to pee in their pants since the teachers will not change them. The thought of that horrified me. I didn't want them to be stressed out and me worried the entire time they were at school.

At first I doubted my decision. Partly because some of the comments were true…I tend to be overprotective and I could use ‘me time’. I was also told they need to separate from me – why?! I was told my son would ‘toughen up’ if he wasn’t w/me all the time. I was also afraid I was hindering their development in some way. One thing that helped me was reading posts in the home schooling forum. Like pp’s mentioned, their children are fine and didn’t go to preschool.

I am so glad I kept them home. We’ve really enjoyed the past year.

They are signed up at the same school for this fall. They will be on the older side since they had to start in the 3yr old class and they recently turned four – I worried about that too but figure I am over analyzing. My son doesn’t want to go but my daughter does. I was thinking of asking them both to try it and if they don’t like it after a set amount of time I was going to let them stay home. (I feel comfortable with the school since I have been volunteering there for two years.)

I should mention…My kids did go to a two-year-old therapy based toddler group. I felt completely comfortable sending them there – eight kids and four teachers and I could watch through a window. It was the right situation for their age and personalities.

Sorry to ramble…

[Azuralea]

Kids develop skills at different ages. There is no golden rule!

As a child I started daycare early, and it was good for me, but that's who I am. My DS took to daycare like a fish to water (he started at a later age than me), and that's who he is.

I've spent a TON of time volunteering and working at preschools and daycares. I can tell you for a fact that there are kids for whom preschool is NOT a good fit. And those kids turn out just fine later -- they're just sweet little homebodies, and being away from their parents stressed them out. They're just not ready.

Conversely, there are children who are naturally inclined to need and want time with other kids and other adults. Those kids absolutely thrive in preschools and daycares, and it's a great experience for them. That was my experience as a child, and it's currently my DS's experience. But that doesn't mean ALL kids are like that!

One thing I hate about the absolutes in this culture is that people take this all or nothing approach: if you're meeting your child's needs by keeping him home, you're not socializing him, you're putting your selfish needs to have yoru DC near you over their needs. Then if you're meeting your child's needs by letting his or her need for social outlet get satisfied by daycare/preschool, you're not protecting your kids, you're just dumping them in daycare for your own convenience blah blah blah. Arrgh. You can't win! :

[MCR]

One of my two sons went to preschool and thrived, the other was my little helper guy we went everywhere together and did preschool activities etc. He went into K and thrived with no problems at all. You know your child, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Dd is 3.5 and I haven't even looked at preschool, she'll be 5.5 going into K and I don't want to send her to preschool, maybe next year if she really seems to need to go, but I doubt it

[marybethorama]

For Pete's Sake

It's no one's business!

That would irk me so much.

We did send our kids to PreK but not until 4. Even if you never sent them, that would be fine too.

I just don't see why anyone cares.

[MusicianDad]

I hate it when others think they know your kid better then you do. Obviously they never read the studies that show some kids, boys in particular, often benifit from delaying pre-school and even kindergarten.

That is a stage in life where kids are so spread out developmentally that really the only person I'd trust to know if the child is ready for something is the parents.

You have obviously thought about everything involved in sending him to pre-school/daycare and know that right now he's not ready. Don't let the "should" people get to you too much, they just don't know your ds like you do.

[angelpie545]

You are NOT being overprotective-you have thought it through and made the best decision possible for your child. Not every kid will benefit from preschool. My eldest was very social, and I was able to put her into Montessori school (thanks to my mother's financial help) and she thrived. However, my youngest is not as social, very attached to mom, and learns very well on her own. I decided that it wasn't worth it to find a preschool we could afford, and she has thrived here at home and is now more than ready for kindergarten. Preschool is not necessary to proper development. Sure, it can aid some kids, but it's not a one-size-fits-all deal.

[annethcz]

Sounds like a reasoned decision to me too. Two of my kids attended preschool, two didn't. They're all perfectly happy and emotionally healthy.

[sacredmama]

As someone who was forced to go to school when they weren't ready, I always advocate for kids who don't seem to be ready!! I have just recently started to heal my negative associations with school and learning. I wish my mom was more in tune with me like you are with your LO.

[Ruthla]

I have a TWELVE year old who's not suited to learning in a school environment! Meanwhile, my other two kids attended school last year and I'm planning to send them both to school this year as well.

Do what's right for your child and don't worry about what anybody else things.

Yes, you're sheltering him, but in no way are you stunting his social or academic growth. Forcing him into a school situation he's not ready for could have that effect though.

[oceanbaby]

I sent my first son to the world's greatest preschool. Seriously - I loved the teachers and the director, the program, all of it.

I regret sending him, and am not putting my younger son in preschool. He would do just fine in preschool, but I don't want to send him and don't see any pressing reason to do it. People can bite me if they have a problem with it.

[LynnS6]

30 years ago, most kids didn't go to preschool. You know your child best, and I'm sure you're right that he's not ready. Why push it and make you both miserable?

I did want to suggest you look into sensory issues with your ds - the "loud", "screams when sun is in his eyes" might be signs of a sensory issue. A good book is "Sensational Kids".

[mrspineau]

I don't think that you are being overprotective.

[betterparent]

sounds like you are a great mama who has made a great decision for your child!

[honeybee]

Preschool is certainly not essential. I like the book "The Miseducation of Preschoolers." It is not anti-preschool, but talks about what a good preschool should or shouldn't consist of, and acknowledges that you can certainly do preschool at home.

When ds1 was a bout 2ish, my MIL... a SAHM who did not send her kids to preschool or a babysitter... started telling me I needed to send him to daycare a couple days a week so he could be socialized. I was like, WHAT? She gave SIL a bunch of crap about going back to work when her dd was a baby, and now she was giving me crap about staying home with a toddler... you never can win when you try to listen to "others."