Where do you think AP and NFL is headed?

[Jaysfamily]

I was thinking the other day, about how AP practices are still the minority, but that more parents seem to be subscribing to them these days. At the same time, as it becomes more popular, it seems that there is a more "formal" backlash going on. I'm hearing about more parents feeling they have to lie about cosleeping, extended nursing, how they birth, etc. We parents shouldn't have to fear our doctors, family members, and neighbors, or to have to hide the way we live! We are not harming our children! I'm worried that all the fear-mongering will turn into actual action against those of us that don't follow mainstream parenting practices. Even if states don't pass formal laws, I still don't trust CPS not to take it upon themselves to make that decision, especially given all the anti-cosleeping and pro-vax campaigns going on. Are there not laws we could support that would help protect our rights as parents? It's frustrating that other people think they know more about what is best for our children than we do. I don't mind arguing with them about it, but I just worry that my right to do what is in my family's best interest is being threatened.

So, do you think AP and NFL will continue to catch on and become more accepted, or do you think it will get worse and we'll remain in the minority.

[zinemama]

I am not at all worried about a "backlash."

I am not worried about CPS finding out I nursed a 3yo.

I am not worried about my children's non-vax status, which is, after all, completely legal.

I have never been afraid of my doctor or neighbors or felt the need to lie to anyone about any of my parenting choices.

I don't hide the way I live.

I also don't get into arguments with people about the way I parent or defend the choices I make. I simply do what I do. I am a confident person.

I don't understand where this fear is coming from.

[flower01]

I understand "the fear," although for me it's not really fear, but concern and frustration that my choices are questioned. I find it frustrating that not only do i have to sort through enormous amounts of info & false info to make a decision about vaccinating, but then I have to defend it everytime it comes up. I am confident in my decisions, but I am not an expert nor claim to be, so when my choices are challenged it can be difficult when the other side claims to know more than I do, especially when it's friends & family. I agree that I would love to know more ways I can be involved politically in order to know my rights & help pass laws to protect them, that's partly why I am a member of this community. I am confident that Mothering will keep me abreast of current events. The thing that's difficult for me is that aside from my DH and this website, I feel alone for the most part. None of my friends know what AP is a lot of times they aren't that interested in learning - they are satisfied with their pediatricians advice.

[annethcz]

I tend to see fear mostly in people who are easily frightened or in people who are already in compromised situations (i.e. in a low socioeconomic group).

Quite honestly, I think that AP/NFL is becoming much more accepted in the mainstream. I see a lot more people wearing their babies now than I did when my 8yo was a baby. Homebirth is a more popular and accepted choice now- I've seen a ton of articles in mainstream media about it. As for pro-vaccination campaigns, those have been going on for decades. Alternative diets (veg*n, gluten-free, etc.) are considered within the range of normal. When I was a kid, only the "wackos" homeschooled their kids; today it's viewed as a good choice for kids.

I agree with a PPer that I've never felt the need to hide the way I live. I don't tell everyone on the street that my 4.5yo still nurses, but I don't lie about it either. Although I may choose not to discuss/debate my parenting choices with people who have differing opinions, I'm also confident in my choices and see no reason to hide them.

It's frustrating that other people think they know more about what is best for our children than we do.

I had to laugh at this, because I think we all have opinions about what is best for other people's children. I absolutely believe that babies should be breastfed, but many parents believe that ABM is best for their family. It doesn't matter that my experiences and research back up my belief, I don't get to make that decision for anyone but my own family. I'm not offended when other people think I should raise my children differently, because it's only human nature to want other people to think the same way we do, yk?

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by Jaysfamily

It's frustrating that other people think they know more about what is best for our children than we do. I don't mind arguing with them about it, but I just worry that my right to do what is in my family's best interest is being threatened.

The above is a VERY good thought. Keep it in mind when talking to people disagreeing with you, it's likely they feel the exact same way. When you remember that you may be able to de-escalate, or at least react with compassion rather than defensiveness...which actually helps everyone in the end.

[GooeyRN]

I hide our AP lifestyle for the most part. No one knows my dd gets EBM at almost 3 years old, my ds will be allowed to nurse until at least 3, we co-sleep, bathe together, etc. Our ped obviously knows that we selectively and delay vax, but that is all. I even have a "nursery" with a crib and a bassinet set up, and a bedroom set up for dd "if" CPS every visits. I hope that AP becomes something more normal so that we aren't treated like parenting freaks.

[flapjack]

What happened over here is that AP became mainstream (although we don't have the obsession with labels you guys do) and some forty years after the NCT started campaigning and change started, the pendulum is starting to swing the other age again. Gina Ford's a big part of this, but soon there's going to come along another British writer as influential as Kitzinger or Grantley Dick-Read, and the tide will start turning in the other direction
If all the AP families in the US actually worked together, you could get homebirth/homeschooling/nonvax/noncirc legalised at federal level. It's because of the culture of fear and "keep your head down, CPS are looking" that the NFL families aren't seen as a coherent lobbying force. At least, that's my take. A single individual- especially with the body of MDC behind them- could change US history.

[boigrrrlwonder]

Originally Posted by annethcz

I tend to see fear mostly in people who are easily frightened or in people who are already in compromised situations (i.e. in a low socioeconomic group).

I agree - and I think that because we have the most contact with the government for the most part, our different parenting styles are more likely to come to the attention of DCFS (who already will see low-income as a risk factor to abuse).

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by flapjack

If all the AP families in the US actually worked together, you could get homebirth/homeschooling/nonvax/noncirc legalised at federal level. It's because of the culture of fear and "keep your head down, CPS are looking" that the NFL families aren't seen as a coherent lobbying force. At least, that's my take. A single individual- especially with the body of MDC behind them- could change US history.

But the the thing is:
-homebirth is legal everywhere, although there are a few states where lay midwives aren't legal
-homeschooling is legal everywhere in the US
-nonvaccination is legal everywhere, and most states have exemptions available for school students who don't wish to be vaccinated
-circumcision isn't required anywhere, and many medical insurance companies no longer pay for cosmetic circumcisions

So it's not that NFL is illegal, it's that it's not a socially popular choice in some areas. Quite honestly, I do have a hard time understanding the fear that some people have reagrding their parenting choices. I'm guessing it's that the culture is different in some places of the US- it is a huge country after all. But where I live, these things are accepted and some parts of AP/NFL are seen as normal/mainstream. We discussed cosleeping in the school-district sponsored ECFE classes, when I was homeschooling my kids I got nothing but positive responses to everyone I talked to, when I was at the zoo yesterday I saw just as many babies being worn as pushed in a stroller. While there may be a culture of fear in some places, it doesn't exist in my little corner of the world.

[monkaha]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I am not at all worried about a "backlash."

I am not worried about CPS finding out I nursed a 3yo.

I am not worried about my children's non-vax status, which is, after all, completely legal.

I have never been afraid of my doctor or neighbors or felt the need to lie to anyone about any of my parenting choices.

I don't hide the way I live.

I also don't get into arguments with people about the way I parent or defend the choices I make. I simply do what I do. I am a confident person.

I don't understand where this fear is coming from.

:

I have also made an effort to surround my self with as many like-minded people as I can. While I find that our family has more influences from outside this group the longer DD is in public school, I still don't feel the same threats that the OP apparently does. I'm sorry that your area, your neighbors, your local government makes you feel threatened. I agree with flapjack that if we were more open about our parenting, our decisions, we would be less of an "in the closet" choice. But that is something each family has to decide upon for themselves.

[Mom2Boy&Girl]

Originally Posted by annethcz

But the the thing is:
-homebirth is legal everywhere, although there are a few states where lay midwives aren't legal
-homeschooling is legal everywhere in the US
-nonvaccination is legal everywhere, and most states have exemptions available for school students who don't wish to be vaccinated
-circumcision isn't required anywhere, and many medical insurance companies no longer pay for cosmetic circumcisions

So it's not that NFL is illegal, it's that it's not a socially popular choice in some areas. Quite honestly, I do have a hard time understanding the fear that some people have reagrding their parenting choices. I'm guessing it's that the culture is different in some places of the US- it is a huge country after all. But where I live, these things are accepted and some parts of AP/NFL are seen as normal/mainstream. We discussed cosleeping in the school-district sponsored ECFE classes, when I was homeschooling my kids I got nothing but positive responses to everyone I talked to, when I was at the zoo yesterday I saw just as many babies being worn as pushed in a stroller. While there may be a culture of fear in some places, it doesn't exist in my little corner of the world.

:

[morganeldi]

I'm not afraid at all and I don't see why we should be- as people pointed out these things are legal and by trying to hide the way we live/raise our children I think that we are actually sending the message that its "not normal" or something to be ashamed of when we do that, and if we are afraid and don't stand up for ourselves I think some of these things *could* become illegalized because it will be an easy target, like allowing people to stomp all over you. Why not stomp all over them? (j/k, sorta) People only have all the power when you let them. We just need to act like what we do is normal and advocate for it, and get our message out if we want it to be more accepted.

I know that is easier said than done when you are surrounded by mainstream people and messages everywhere (especially in parts of the country where it is really different from the norm), but that is how change and acceptance is accomplished..... jmo

[shannonnc78]

What's odd is that AP should be mainstream and other parenting styles should be on the fringe. I told some neighbors of ours - their 3 kids are all in college or graduates, were all bf'd til 4, all co-slept, all birthed naturally, not vaxed, never had antibiotics (always used natural remedies) - real AP/NFL pioneers, about the campaign in NY to ban co-sleeping and have it considered neglect, and they couldn't believe it. They kept insisting that, no, putting the child in a different room to sleep by themselves is neglect (this is their opinion...if having your child sleep in a crib in another room works for you I think that's great. I'm not trying to judge or bash). My point is that to me, AP makes so much sense, on a nurturing level and on a common sense level. I didn't set out to be AP, but I read up on it after having DS and realized that everything I was doing naturally, as a result of instinct, was AP. I think mainstream parenting forces one to fight one's instincts and so it seems odd that that is what is mainstream. I hope that AP will one day be mainstream. The craziest thing about the AP backlash is that beneficial practices, like co-sleeping, are demonized and yet people like the Ezzos and the Perls continue to profit from their manuals for child abuse.

[mammal_mama]

I don't believe in fear-mongering -- but I also think that people who can't understand why some are afraid, must not know as many families as I do who've been investigated by CPS ... and, yeah, it's true (as some are bound to point out) that CPS workers aren't just itching to swoop in and snatch people's kids --

I'm not so concerned about "losing" my kids, as I am about the possibility of some "concerned" person calling because our parenting is outside their frame-of-reference, and then the CPS worker also being "concerned" enough to do an investigation, not to take our kids but just to make absolutely sure everything's okay ...

and being investigated is just a huge hassle (as I know 'cause, uhm, I know people who've been through it) ... it's cool if they just immediately decide to close the case -- though even then parents tend to worry that now they have a record, and if anyone ever calls on them again it'll be a "red flag" or something.

Anyhow, I don't lie awake fretting about it, at least not usually. We have a doctor we like, but she disagrees with our not vaxing. She seems to like us overall, but I sometimes wonder if her knowledge that we don't vax might make her more likely to call if she caught any other indication of anything "weird."

When our oldest was 2, a friend who does foster care mentioned that a CPS worker told her they're now cool (at least in our area) with breastfeeding up to the age of 3, but beyond that they consider it "molestation." So I just quit openly nursing in public at around 3. I still did child-led breastfeeding, but when dd asked to nurse in public we'd slip off to a private spot ... and at that age, she was usually more interested in what was going on, and just wanted a few moments of nursing anyway.

My younger dd is now 3, and for some reason she quit asking to nurse in public a long time before 3. Even though I've always been willing to do it, she just seems to get more involved in whatever's going on around her. She likes me nearby but doesn't feel a need to nurse, except when we're at home and she's sleepy or wanting some special attention.

I do see the other posters' point about the need for enough openness that we can affect public opinion. I mean, if we do everything in the closet it stays "weird," 'cause no one ever sees it happening. I feel like my willingness to openly nurse my children, even just up to the age of 3, does make at least a partial social-statement.

Also my gentle-discipline practices. And our unschooling lifestyle: even if we're not getting into discussions about it with everyone, there's some awareness in our family/community that we're doing some things very differently.

I think each family has to find the right balance for them, between protecting their own privacy and making a social statement. I do think it would be great if we could make some major policy changes.

[karina5]

I think AP is becoming much more the norm. Almost everyone I know is very pro-breastfeeding and anti-spanking. Babywearing is seen as great (and personally I finnd nothing at all wrong w/ strollers either - IMO they both have their place). I know a very "mainstream" friend of mine who co-sleeps.

I think circumcision is next (I hope!). DS is not circ'd and nobody bats an eye. A couple people who have changed his diaper (like at daycares) have asked about it, and it is a good opportunity to talk about it. I've had very positive responses (maybe they're just being polite, who knows). Also, I am not the type to demonize those who have circ'd their sons, as I feel this does more damage than good for the cause.

I know plenty of people that don't vax either, and from all walks of life. And TONS of homeschoolers. TONS. The funny thing about homeschoolers it that it is the super crunchies on one end and the conservatives on the other, LOL. Yet they often work together, which is really nice.

So, yeah, I'm finding more AP/NFL practices to be more the norm.

[MichelleAnnette]

I think AP is becoming more normal for sure, but I also think it varies greatly in different places.