2 Birthdays and a homebirth?? What should we do?

[foogoomomma]

Ok so one of my children will turn 9, 10 days prior to our edd and the other will turn 8 - 2 weeks after our edd. My husband wants to having a gaming tournament at our house for each of their birthdays and I think he's nuts. Planning a birthday that close to having the baby and again so soon after having our baby I just don't think it's wise. He says the boys shouldn't be punished for having a new baby and not get a birthday party, but I don't want a house full of other people's children during this time period. We have plenty on our own! Plus we're having our first homebirth so I really want our house to be in excellent condition prior to the birth and afterwards I am super picky about who I let around the new baby so having all these people invade new baby space just doesn't seem workable to me.

My husband is super ticked at me about this, but seriously am I right? I agreed that they could have just one tournament combined preferably before the birth to get it done before the baby comes. I feel really upset with him for not being more understanding. I tend to get sad and stressed after giving birth and I really want to keep everything as happy and light and stress free as possible and just enjoy our babymoon for once!

I grew up having family birthday parties where maybe one or two friends were invited to family dinner. We had cake and presents and we picked what was for dinner as in favorite thing mom made or pizza, etc. and it was nice, but low key and special. I don't understand why he thinks we're punishing the children by not having huge parties.

Opinions, thoughts, encouragement?

[jsnmom]

I have to agree with you. Having a combined party before the baby comes is a reasonable compromise, I think. Personally I wouldn't want to throw a party such a short time after having a baby. Besides babies don't like to stick to due dates. Your baby could come a couple weeks early or even a couple of weeks after the [U]estimated[U] due date.

How about a party outside the house? Like a bowling party, Lasertag or at a park playing baseball or soccer?

[foogoomomma]

I was thinking after I posted this maybe it's less of a parenting our children issue and more of a parent (dad) issue lol since he's so convinced it's necessary. I can just imagine our baby coming 2 weeks late.. right when the 2nd oldest birthday is due!

[alegna]

Originally Posted by jsnmom

How about a party outside the house? Like a bowling party, Lasertag or at a park playing baseball or soccer?

That's what I was thinking. This sounds like the year for non-home parties.

-Angela

[ebethmom]

When my dh and I find ourselves at odds and angry with each other over it, talking about it right then hardly ever works! We have to take some time to cool down, then talk about it. Dh tends to cycle right back into the hurt/angry mode, so I have to make sure I can present my side without biting the bait and arguing all over again.

Hope you can find a quiet time to present your case!

I agree that I would not want a house full of kids with a newborn. Even if you had the energy to deal with that kind of chaos, the germ factor would make me nervous. Although, keeping a newborn close to you in a sling cuts down on the germ spreading.

I definitely like the idea of a combined party away from home. Let someone else clean up the party mess! Our kids are having a combined party this year. When I first brought it up, they were horrified! SHARE our birthdays?? But then they started planning, and now they are really excited.

[honeybee]

My brother's and my birthdays are 2 days apart. I'm thankful our parents always made sure we had separate birthday parties... although our "parties" were very low-key with just our family, some cake (we each got our own cake, so there was a lot of cake around that week!), and maybe a friend or two. Every so often we got to have a sleep-over birthday party, but definitely not every year.

You could certainly make sure you do something special for each boy's birthday without having a huge party at your house, especially since it's summer time. Why not let each of them pick a place they want to go, like to a mini-golf/go-cart type place, and maybe take one friend with them? And if you don't want to take the baby out, maybe that's something dad could handle, and then they could come back to the house for cake and ice cream. Or, if they really want to do something with a lot of friends, why not take over a pavilion at a local park?

[Kessed]

I agree with your husband...

I had a home water birth with my DD - and it's really not a big deal... Make sure that you keep your bedroom off limits. When you're in labor you won't care about the rest of the house.

Make it your husbands job to clean up after the first party.

I don't think it would be fair to punish your children by taking their birthdays away from them.

Maybe I hand out with strange people. But most of the woman at my playgroup come within the week after their baby is born. Even the mom who just had twins - she came when they were 5 days old.

Babies aren't fragile, they aren't going to break if too many people hold them. If you're breastfeeding - then germs aren't even a big deal. If it would be a big deal - then go to a friends house for the day and leave your house to the party.

[flapjack]

DD was due on the 14th- DS1's birthday was the 24th, and he was way overdue. We said no party, and took him and his friends out for dinner instead. Came home, cut the cake as a family and ended up calling the midwife out because my contractions ramped up several gears that night. He's probably one of the few people in the world to have the midwife that delivered him at his birthday party

I think you should have a joint party, held around the first of the two birthdays, catered for by someone else and with a cleaner hired for the day after. That would be my compromise- or hiring a hall for the second of the two parties. How does that sound? (you HAVE to make the cakes yourself,though, if you normally do. A homemade birthday cake is a special kind of magic.)

[foogoomomma]

Wow some really different opinions here. I didn't feel in any way that denying them a full blown party was punishing them. My parents always made us all feel special, but it was with a simple family party at home.

It's a part of my culture and family that we don't go out with a newborn for weeks after the baby is born. That's not to say we don't go outside or anything, but let's just say Target is way on the no-no list. We had a family member that stopped by the mall on her way home from the hospital and I don't think she has heard the end of it yet. We believe that birth itself is a huge thing and that we as women need to heal as well and as my mother would say.. you have no business being up, out and about soon after giving birth. I know that's not necessarily a popular opinion nowadays, but it is where I grew up and in my family.

That being said, I really want to thank everyone for their opinions and suggestions. I'm still trying to come to an agreement with my husband and this has given me a lot of good ideas to go over with him. I absolutely respect my husbands wishes and feelings about this situation, but I also know the reality of our situation and know that a huge amount of the responsibilities with fall on me whether he acts like they will or not and like it or not it's just not fair to me. I've worked really hard to get our home nice for everyone not just the birth and the thought of mass amounts of children tearing it apart twice in a month just freaks me out!! Hiring someone won't be an option and I'll end up being the one on cleanup duty(no matter what dh says), so another choice will have to prevail for us!


I'm confident that either way my children will all be happy whether they have a huge party each or not.

[Justmee]

Your children are 8 & 9 (or almost 9 & almost 10), I think I would just sit and discuss with them the same way you discussed with us. Tell them they can have a small party (or a party out of the house) now, or they can have a 1/2 birthday party in 6 months. Give each child his own party, and make it his choice. If it's unacceptable to you to have anyone in the house now, just tell the boys it's too hard for you, and they can go out to dinner with a friend, or have a bowling party, or go to a movie with a friend, or whatever is an acceptable option. Or they can wait 6 months (or however long is okay with you) and have a gaming party when the baby is a little older).

I agree about giving your kids their own birthday party. I have 3 in Feb. (the twins & the baby are 5 days apart) and I"m assuming at some point even the twins will want seperate parties, so I'll be doing 3 different parties)

[Quinalla]

As long as you are still celebrating their birthdays, having some years without a big party is fine. And from your post, I can tell Dad really wants a big party(ies) and you don't, but what do your kids want? I would be more worried about what they want. I do think a combined big party before sounds like a decent compromise and I would include a separate just family celebration for each of them as well, but if your kids really each want their own big party and you are ok with it, I would just delay the one after the birth to the point where you are comfortable. Birthday parties don't have to be right on people's birthday IMO.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Kessed

I had a home water birth with my DD - and it's really not a big deal...

You really can't see that, although it's "not a big deal" (really??) to you it might be a big deal to someone else? I think for most people giving birth ranks as a big deal, and it's extremely common for mothers to desire a period of quiet recovery/bonding afterwards ... I'm surprised you wouldn't know that.

I don't think it would be fair to punish your children by taking their birthdays away from them.

Having a small family party instead of a big blowout is "taking their birthdays away"? Small family parties were my favorite kind as a kid. I hope my kids don't grow up thinking that everything has to be over the top to be good.

[Kessed]

Originally Posted by limabean

You really can't see that, although it's "not a big deal" (really??) to you it might be a big deal to someone else? I think for most people giving birth ranks as a big deal, and it's extremely common for mothers to desire a period of quiet recovery/bonding afterwards ... I'm surprised you wouldn't know that.

Actually - I chose to have a homebirth because I don't think birth is a very big deal. It happens. It doesn't need the fuss and drama that happens in a hospital. The mom needs to just have her baby.

Sure - it was a cool experience, and I can't wait to do it again. But it's not like it's some life altering thing?????

I guess the OP already has kids. If this was her first - I might feel differently. But she's done it before.

The world doesn't stop just because a baby is born. Most people continue on with life. Older kids need to be taken to school, groceries need to be bought, life goes on.

[flapjack]

I have to disagree with you there, Kessed. Birth is a normal, natural experience, but it isn't an everyday one. As members of society, we should give our new mothers time to recuperate from childbirth, to rest, to celebrate this fantastic wonderful new life and to enjoy it. There's a lot to be said for the old custom of a babymoon, or for confinement, or whatever it's known in the traditional culture of your choice. 21st century western civilisation remains the only one I'm aware of that expects women to get back to normal after birth, and we have abnormally low rates of breastfeeding. I'm not aware of any studies that have looked at the incidence of breastfeeding difficulties with a rise in activity, but I can tell you that I know a lot of people who have noticed when they've overdone it after giving birth because their lochia increases and their milk supply appears to drop. It's just not worth it.

[~Megan~]

ds' birthday is 2 days before my EDD. I'm planning on hosting a very simple party a week after baby is born but not in my home.

I think your dh is nuts and doesn't get how much work it will be.

Why does he think your kids need huge parties every year anyway?

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Kessed

Actually - I chose to have a homebirth because I don't think birth is a very big deal. It happens. It doesn't need the fuss and drama that happens in a hospital. The mom needs to just have her baby.

Sure - it was a cool experience, and I can't wait to do it again. But it's not like it's some life altering thing?????

I guess the OP already has kids. If this was her first - I might feel differently. But she's done it before.

The world doesn't stop just because a baby is born. Most people continue on with life. Older kids need to be taken to school, groceries need to be bought, life goes on.

Okay, so because you feel this way, everyone else needs to, too? Obviously it's a bigger deal to the OP than it is to you -- she's not allowed to want a more restful post-partum period than you would need?

[Kessed]

Originally Posted by flapjack

I have to disagree with you there, Kessed. Birth is a normal, natural experience, but it isn't an everyday one. As members of society, we should give our new mothers time to recuperate from childbirth, to rest, to celebrate this fantastic wonderful new life and to enjoy it. There's a lot to be said for the old custom of a babymoon, or for confinement, or whatever it's known in the traditional culture of your choice. 21st century western civilisation remains the only one I'm aware of that expects women to get back to normal after birth, and we have abnormally low rates of breastfeeding. I'm not aware of any studies that have looked at the incidence of breastfeeding difficulties with a rise in activity, but I can tell you that I know a lot of people who have noticed when they've overdone it after giving birth because their lochia increases and their milk supply appears to drop. It's just not worth it.

You're welcome to feel that way.

Personally I hate the idea of a babymoon.

The idea of being housebound for any length of time just doesn't do it for me.

Women aren't delicate... Babies aren't breakable. Why treat them that way?

Why treat birth like a disease that women need to 'recover' from. I home birth because I don't like the way that hospital treat pregnancy like a disease that you need to be rescued from. The whole babymoon thing is doing the same thing but from a 'traditional' viewpoint.

I stand by what I said... The world doesn't stop when you have a baby.

Would you stop taking your kids to school when a new baby came? If you were a single mom - would you stop buying groceries? How about your other kids? Do they have to be confined to the house too?

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Kessed

You're welcome to feel that way.

Personally I hate the idea of a babymoon.

The idea of being housebound for any length of time just doesn't do it for me.

Women aren't delicate... Babies aren't breakable. Why treat them that way?

Why treat birth like a disease that women need to 'recover' from. I home birth because I don't like the way that hospital treat pregnancy like a disease that you need to be rescued from. The whole babymoon thing is doing the same thing but from a 'traditional' viewpoint.

I stand by what I said... The world doesn't stop when you have a baby.

Would you stop taking your kids to school when a new baby came? If you were a single mom - would you stop buying groceries? How about your other kids? Do they have to be confined to the house too?

Of course the essentials need to continue being done (although I, and pretty much every mom I know, invite help in the weeks immediately following giving birth -- my mom took my DS to school, and my SIL did the grocery shopping), but things like huge birthday parties simply don't fall into that "essential" category for me.

A nice family dinner followed by cake and presents is perfectly acceptable *anytime*, IMO, but particularly immediately following childbirth. You're welcome to do whatever you want after your kids' births, but that's the key -- you *want* it to be that way. I don't understand why you don't get that the OP *doesn't want to* extend herself to that degree so soon.

[Kessed]

Originally Posted by limabean

I don't understand why you don't get that the OP *doesn't want to* extend herself to that degree so soon.

Because it feel like the OP is wanting everything her about her. Kind of like a bride going all bridezilla about myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy day - she's giving the impression that the birth of the new baby is more important than celebrating the birth of her other children.

Obviously the kids want the big party. A LAN party isn't imagined by a parent out of a vacuum.

I don't understand why she can't compromise and find a solution that works for everyone. Vetoing any kind of individual celebration for her other children is just a slap in the face to them.

[AbbieB]

I can't believe the PPs saying that home birth is not a big deal and no big deal to recover from. I think that attitude is very insensitive and a bit belittling to to OP.

Every birth is unique. I had a home birth that took weeks to recover from and one that was smooth and easy. There is just no predicting.

Every new birth has an adjustment time. Momma is physically recovering from the physical state of pregnancy, the hard work of birth, and adjusting to the new baby. Let's not even get into the issues of nursing. This stuff takes time and often some peace and quiet.

OP, tell your husband to stick it. I think you have every right to say no parties in the house at this time. Talk to your soon to be big brothers about what they would like to do for their birthdays and see what they come up with. Big kid birthday parties can be held elsewhere or at another time. New baby's birthday "party" can not. This is a sensitive time for you and baby and I think your needs and wishes should be respected.