Explaining kids who are "different"

[mamatoablessing]

Ick. I hate the way that sounds like an ABC Afterschool Special title.

Anyway, we were at a local fast food place today and in the play area was a little boy who had half an arm. I don't even think DD noticed, despite the fact that they were playing together.

But, one of the other girls asked her mom about it. Not rudely, but more like "what happened to his arm?" The mom said she didn't know and looked towards the boy's caregiver (his aunt, as it turns out) and said something like "I don't really know how to answer my daughter's question about his arm. Is it a birth defect?" I could tell the mom was trying to be respectful but I think she was flustered. Anyway, the aunt was very gracious and nicely explained what had happened to the little boy.

My question is this: Was it ok for the mom to ask his caregiver/mom what happened to him? Honestly, I was hoping DD wouldn't ask me about it because I wouldn't know how to answer except by saying something like "well, everyone is different". Is that an acceptable explanation for a 4 yo or should I go into more detail?

How do you handle these situations?

[lolar2]

This is my field! Disability studies. Anyway, the first part of the question "What happened to his arm" is fine, assuming that it is the kind of atmosphere where parents and caregivers might chat to one another anyway about the kids. "Was it a birth defect?" isn't really a great question because that's essentially calling her beloved nephew "defective."

"Everyone is different" is also a perfectly acceptable answer.

That's the etiquette-and-PC response to your post. What might or might not bother that individual boy and his aunt, or any other individual, is another question entirely.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by lolar2

That's the etiquette-and-PC response to your post. What might or might not bother that individual boy and his aunt, or any other individual, is another question entirely.

ITA... and even that might depend on the day/week for that person. BTDT.

Sometimes, if the parent is open to answering it, I think the truth is best for a 4yo (within reason if it's something horrific). Obviously in terms they can understand.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I find when kids ask questions it is usually cool (I worked with sn kids until I had ds and am in school to be a sn teacher) when parents get involved in questioning then sometimes it gets more uncomfortable.

I think something along the "everyone is different, we all do things in different ways, but you're both kids/we're all people etc" is a fine answer for a 4 year old. I think that having more indepth conversation should happen when there isn't another kid to feel awkard and tokenized

[CarrieMF]

I've dealt with this at the school I work at a bit. There's 1 girl in Grade 3 who has clubbed feet(I think, it looks like it to me but I never asked her or her teachers). It came up 1 day & I explained to the kids that yes her feet are different, but everyone has parts of them that are different & that is what makes each of us special/unique. I think I expanded a bit & went into how we may look differnet but for the most part are the same inside & that it doesn't make any of us better than another person.

I've used similar lines with my kids. For a 4yo, a simple everyone is different is sufficient. If they question more you can expand on it. I'd include minor things like Joe has brown hair but you have blonde as examples.

In this case with a partial limb if I didn't feel comfortable asking the adults with the child I would have told my child that I didn't know why, maybe it was an accident or maybe he was born that way.

[reece19]

My explanations have gotten more complicated as my kids age, but we started off with answers like "People are all different." When they asked questions that imply something is wrong with a person, or that the other person is sick, I tried to respond with something like "There's nothing wrong with him, he looks like a happy little boy, just like you're a happy little girl..."

If this is a person my kids were going to play with for a while, we'd have a conversation about how you can ask someone about (as an example) their wheelchair, but if they seem shy or don't want to talk about it, don't pester them! Just keep playing like you would with anyone else.

[lolar2]

I remembered something else-- I used to have some very visible marks on my arms (steroid striae) which were painless but didn't look it. It was annoying sometimes to be asked repeated questions when I was trying to concentrate on my own thoughts. I found that when a stranger asked me about them, if I just said, "It doesn't hurt," that seemed to satisfy what they really wanted to know and they left me alone. So for a small child, if what they are asking about is something that is likely painless, you might say "Everyone's different. It doesn't hurt."