Please tell me about girls - Page 2

[chfriend]

I think it's hard not to imagine what your new child will be like when we are given tidbits of information when we're pregnant. This book might help you get past your visions of what will be to a plan of how to let your daughter become herself. She will need you to look past the stereotypes of girls and boys to see her for her own unique self.

http://www.amazon.com/Growing-Girl-S...7490945&sr=8-1

[Lil'M]

I have 2 girls and they are very different in some ways and very similar in some ways. Their temperaments are different (1 was a high needs baby and the other was very easy), but they tend to like a lot of the same activities (soccer, theater, swimming, playing house, art, etc.). One is very girly and the other not so much.

I know how you feel about not knowing what to do because that's how I would feel if I were having a boy

[honeybee]

I have 2 boys. Maybe this one will be a girl? I'm fine with it either way.

But, I just have to say: Hee Hee. My ds1 was a pretty easy 2-year-old. At ages 3/4 he turned into a HUGE drama king! I predict you're going to have a pretty easy baby girl, but then the problem will be your newly dramatic little boy! Just because the things we spend a lot of time worrying about don't usually end up being a problem.

[RainCoastMama]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

My dd is 8.

Something that I feel is different with having a girl is that I feel more pressure to be a role model than I think I would for a boy. She will be looking at me and comparing herself to me for how she, as a woman/mother, should or should not be. As scary as that is sometimes I also feel like I have a special bond with dd because of our shared gender. There are a lot of life experiences we'll have in common.

Yes...YES! This. Absolutely.

[thefragile7393]

Long

LynnS6, those pictures are so hilarious! Chfriend, thank you for the book rec, it's on my list to get wtih my next Amazon order.

You might want to explore your issues if you are having a hard time accepting that you might have a girl. Seriously...what worries you?

Oooh, a lot of things, some pp's have touched on them.
Hormones. My mom had hormonal problems and, in her words, "toughed them out." Me? At the age of 10 puberty started and literally all hell broke loose. It wasn't until a year later when my first cycle started that things settled down but by then the damage was done. I had constant panic attacks, I became agorophobic almost, depression. I had weekly therapy for a year....very embarressing for for me and I made up excuses on where I had to go every Tuesday to the other kids. It saved me though.

Years later I still had PMS badly (once ds was born those settled down), still off and on in therapy, still battling hormonal problems...and my body is very sensitive to hormones and neither pregnancy has been a complete picnic. Bottom line is that I don't want my dd to go through these issues. I remember the turmoil in my family because of these issues....no one knew the cause at the time but it caused a lot of problems for my parents....and myself. No one knew what was wrong with me, I didn't nkow what was wrong with me. My husband's side has some hormonal issues, different types though. I fear she won't escape them. That's probably one of my biggest things.

2nd....the female dynamic, the stereotypes. The pressure that are on girls especially...with body image, another problem of mine.

My relationship with my mom was dysfunctional at best, very co-dependent....we were and still are too much alike. Too much fighting, disagreeing. We've never had that stereotypical friend relationship. I've only started to come to terms with the damage that this caused me over the years, which is why I love AP so much, to try and not repeat what was done with me, especially in regards to GD. My mom has severe image issues.....not with herself, but with others. My dad was large much of my life, there was constant beratement, shame, chastisement of him. The ugly remarks if she saw a large person. I was always thin, then I had ds and never lost all the baby weight. Not long before I got pregnant wtih this one, a jab finally came my way, which hurt so much. So I have that skwered thinking to deal with, and girls especially can be so harmed with this thinking.

A childhood friend of mine grew up in an extremely dysfunctional household...her mom finally took off when we were 12. It completely ruined and destroyed her and her sister. Obviously I don't plan on that happening, but I use them as an example, as I see where the good influence of a mom really shapes a young girl. I've had a not ideal influence my whole life...I have no clue where to start in that area.

[Barbamama]

Originally Posted by thefragile7393

I see where the good influence of a mom really shapes a young girl. I've had a not ideal influence my whole life...I have no clue where to start in that area.

But don't you see, mama? You already HAVE started. You're self-aware. You're working on your own "stuff," and determined not to pass it along to your children. You are committed to being gentle with your children. Please also be gentle with yourself.

[Norasmomma]

I'm sorry that you and your mom disagree, but you know I came from a family where my Mom and my grandma have always disagreed, my grandma is awful to say the least. If she wasn't related to me I would never speak to the woman. She is always putting everyone down, usually people who do that feel like crap about themselves, and I know that she has to do this in order for her to feel like she's important.

That said my Mom put up with her BS and was never like that to me. You create your own destiny. You're trying to overcome your obstacles and make peace with the past. Look at your baby as a new tide of the future.

My Grandma is always making comments to knock me down, she doesn't like that I have confidence, it makes her scared I think. Just try to do what is best for your family, and try to get over the past. I have had to do it myself. My family life as a kid was slightly dysfunctional also, but really who's isn't? My parents divorced when I was 12, so I never really saw them have a healthy relationship, but my Mom and Step dad were awesome together, as are my Dad and Step mom. I was also a hormonal wreck as a kid, plus I had major mental scars from the divorce, so I was pretty screwed up.

As long as you are trying to make things better, you are already doing a good job.

[Jessy1019]

I don't think gender is indicative of much. My kids (one boy, one girl) both have very easy-going personalities.

My daughter loves her dolls and "girl" toys but also loves to dig in the mud, get filthy, play rough, etc. She wears "boy" clothes and "girl" clothes.

The same is true of my son . . . his favorite outfit is a dress and he loves Polly Pocket as much as he loves his diggers.

[LaLaLaLa]

I have one DD, just turned four last week, and one DS, two and a half years old. They are different, but not in a girl/boy way--they are really just different people. Don't be intimidated by the thought of a daughter--all kids start off basically the same as babies, right? If you have a girl, she'll grow so gradually into herself that you won't have time to be scared.

About my DD--she has her dramatic moments, but she's also a very good listener, eager to please people. She is what we call "aggressively friendly," approaching and talking to everyone with whom she comes into contact. She is definitely not a timid or quiet girl. She doesn't like to cuddle like her brother does--she's to busy doing stuff.

My DD is very coordinated, really good at soccer and bike-riding and just getting the hang of baseball. She loves art projects and getting messy and dirty--and she also loves dresses and chooses to wear one most days. We've convinced her to wear shorts under her dresses so she's not constantly flashing her underpants when she wears dresses to roughhouse all over the park. She's got a touch of girly and a touch of tomboy; she's just herself.

Actually, I find the thought of raising my DS to be more intimidating. There is so much more openness about girls discovering their identities. They have the freedom to explore their "boyish" (for lack of a better descriptive term) side. Having a girl who is good at sports and hates dresses and loves to get messy is perfectly acceptable. My DS, now 2 1/2, wears dress-up dresses and nail polish. Okay for a toddler, but at what point will it become problematic and socially difficult for my DS to explore his "girlish" side? As a parent trying to protect my kids from any possible hurt, this is what I struggle with.

Didn't mean to throw in a mini-hijack of your thread, but just wanted to also point out one way in which girls are a bit easier than boys.

It's easy to panic before the baby joins your family. But once he or she does, you'll figure it out. Good luck!

[thefragile7393]

LOL no hijack worries here, I love hearing different thoughts, stories, etc.

And LaLaLa, my son loves his baby doll and recently my sitter's elder daughter and her friend were playing dress up and he wanted to play with them, so they put him in a ruffly pink dress and a tiara He looked so adorable and I'm so glad his sitter got a picture. I do hear you on your worries of society and social acceptance of boys exploring their "softer" side, while it's okay for girls to be tomboys (at least, to a lot of people it's okay.) Ds is sensitive and I think dh has a hard time dealing with that. He's not daring, athletic, he's cautious, kinda gets freaked out easily by certain things, sensitive as I previously said, a HUGE drama king when he wants to be.....all stuff I thought a girl would be....he's actually a lot like how dh was as a child (according to my MIL). He loves trains, construction vehicles, airplanes, music (particularly guitar), bikes. And I like that. And I somehow seemed to know that when he was born he was a sensitive loving cuddly little guy......I credit AP practices to that. So hopefully....I can do the same with this lo, even though I do have to return to work earlier than I did with ds and won't have the long periods of alone time like I did previously.

I had stereotypes in my head about a boy....ds has blown them out of the water, so I am thinking this little one will too. I try not to worry too much about the future (PPD worries, teenage worries, hormone worries) but I still come back to a lot of it....and trying hard to become a different mom than my mom (not completely different, but trying not to emulate the bad points). That......just might be the hardest part as she grows.

[A&A]

One of my goals as the mother of a girl was to NOT raise a princess. (And you know exactly what I'm talking about.) She's 11 now, and totally NOT a princess. I achieved my goal! Whether that was luck or my parenting or a combination, who knows.

I do know that getting her into piano lessons, soccer, and extra science and art classes has been great for her. She's too busy doing things to worry about how she looks.

(Now I'm just stressing about her starting periods/getting used to periods in the next couple of years.)

[Mom2Boy&Girl]

I have one of each. It's so funny because when I was PG with my son, I was convinced he was a girl -- because I wanted a girl. I am one of 3 girls and it's really all I knew. But he's been THE most fun and THE best kid ever ... so when I got PG again, I prayed for another little boy just like my first son. I thought they could be the best of buddies!! And then I had a girl!

And what a little chameleon she is!!! She's only 2, but she's SUCH a little tomboy (despite the pigtails I insist on putting in her hair every morning, and dresses I make her wear for special occasions). The girl is leaps and bound ahead of my son in the gross motor skills department, but then on the flip side, she is the most gentle little thing with her baby dolls and when we cuddle at night.

And in spite of my fears that a girl and boy couldn't be as "close" to each other as same sex siblings, my kids are really good buddies. I've also been conducting an informal survey of anyone I meet who has a brother/sister sibling dynamic in their family, and I've been surprised by how many close brothers and sisters there are out there!

Hang in there. Try not to give too much credence to your fears of the unknown. No matter how you envision your kids to be, you'll always be surprised. And if you do have a girl this time, I guarantee you that your heart will melt just as much as it does with your little boy!

[MacKinnon]

I was thrown by having a boy second I had a couple ultrasounds after my 20 week U/S and kept asking, "Are you SURE it's still a boy?" I just couldn't wrap my brain around having a BOY! Neither could DH, actually. People kept saying, "Oh, you are so lucky! One of each! Now you're done!" and we kept smiling and nodding and thinking "Oh no! What are we going to do with a BOY!"

We have a high needs, drama queen older DD and a sweet, cuddly, calm little boy. They couldn't be more different. And we love them both the same Don't worry, you just take it a day at a time and follow their lead just like you did with your DS. Their personality will shine through on it's own. Girls aren't harder, just different, IMO. Good luck!

[thefragile7393]

Originally Posted by ilovemyavery

I just couldn't wrap my brain around having a BOY! Neither could DH, actually. People kept saying, "Oh, you are so lucky! One of each! Now you're done!" and we kept smiling and nodding and thinking "Oh no! What are we going to do with a BOY!"

I'd like to slug the next person who says that to me...I still want another boy! But yeah, it's those thoughts that just....flee my mind. Before I couldn't picture what to do with a child of either gender, now I can't picture what to do with a girl!

My husband has an OK relationship with his sisters....he's closer to one than the other. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear....as with any child. I had no clue what to do the first time either lol. I love hearing the stories....and while I can't stretch my mind around them I am greatful for those who have shared them with me on this thread.

[hippymomma69]

fwiw I'm a tomboy and am raising my DD to be a tomboy also...well I mean I allow her to have her girly moments (she came home from camp the other day and wanted fingernail polish - gad! I had to dig it out from the bottom of my bathroom drawer LOL)....but I'm just hoping they are a phase and will pass LOL

But really, I love having one of each gender and they are so different personality-wise that I think the gender things is kind of secondary....

But I totally get what you are saying - I felt the same way about BOYS and so did DH...but we got over it and we're enjoying our little boy so much! I hate the "one of each" comments - like huh?

good luck and just focus on raising the strong, confident, beautiful woman you want her to be....

peace,
robyn

[flapjack]

Yeah, I was in a similar place. DD is 2 now, and it's easing.
If you read the books on raising boys, you see a lot about how boys and girls are wired differently: to be honest, you can parent a girl the same way that you can parent a boy and nothing bad will happen. The pitfalls come, I think, because society has some unreasonable expectations of our daughters. We expect them to become independent sooner (particularly in regard to toileting), to be calmer and more compliant. It's also said that girls talk more: so far, whilst DD talked early, DS3 is on a similar time scale. I think once you acknowledge that early speech is possible, you tend to look for it more.

Not passing on the weight/body issues is a big deal for me.

Oh, and my DD isn't a tomboy. She's just the coolest, most brilliant, funny person I know- she goes through life covered in mud, wears her hair sticking out at 90 degrees in the back where she sleeps on it, loves dresses because it's quicker for her to get naked, loves reading and would sell her soul for a bucket of lego. Thank maude, she hasn't discovered nail polish yet...

[lula]

I felt the way you do when I found out I was having a boy. (first child is a girl second a boy)

I think it is good to admit and talk about now, it really helped me to freak out about my "issues" while I was pregnant.

I also have issues with my mom but if it is any encouragement my relationship with dd is nothing like my relationship with my mother even though our personalities are somewhat a mirror to my mom/I. It can change and be different. The hormonal things, well at least you are aware of them, know what to look for, have ideas to help etc.

children waking up...

[pianojazzgirl]

Huh. Hard question. My dd is herself... to me she's not "a girl" but Djuna. Don't know if that makes sense. I know girls are different from boys (and I have one of each but ds is still only 10 months old so I don't have much boy experience), but it's hard to know what about dd is her being a girl and what is her being who she is. She isn't a "girly girl" necessarily. She likes sparkly shiny things (just like her 6 yr old best friend who's a boy) and is also obsessed with slimy bugs. She loves to run around and get dirty. She also loves to try on shoes. Hmmm... Honestly I'm stumped, lol! She is who she is - quite the character in fact. I really don't know how she would be different if she were born into a boy's body.

What I can say is that I was a bit freaked out when I found out that DS was a boy. I felt like I didn't know what to do with a boy. But now that he's here I realize that he is who he is. And I love him with all my heart (also love DD with all my heart... I must have 2 hearts or something, lol!). I don't ever feel now any anxiety or uncertainness about having a boy.

[thefragile7393]

The pitfalls come, I think, because society has some unreasonable expectations of our daughters. We expect them to become independent sooner (particularly in regard to toileting), to be calmer and more compliant.

Ahh yes I can relate to that.....those were the expectations I was raised with. Be nice, be sweet, be quiet blah blah blah. So much so that I hardly developed a backbone. Those are nice qualities for the most part but when you're overly that....you get how I was. I didn't develop a whole lot of anything until after ds was born.

(also love DD with all my heart... I must have 2 hearts or something, lol!).

2 hearts. I like that a lot. That makes a lot of sense to me....that's something I can wrap my mind around right now.

I found this article today on the main page http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr...-princess.html It was rather funny. Dress-up I DID love when I was younger, even if they were old rejected bridesmaid dresses from the thrift shop. Oh to keep the pink, ruffles, Bratz, Barbies away.....somehow I have a feeling I will lose on all of it...sans Bratz or Barbie.

I'm actually starting to regret finding out the likely gender at the ultrasound. At the time it seemed needed, but now it just seems like it's done nothing but caused needless sleepless nights and self-inflicted anguish. With ds, we didn't find out the gender and somehow I got a little idea of what the personality would be like during the pregnancy and when he was a young babe, despite that I was too emotionally off to do the "bonding" things a lot of people do prenatally. Can't take it back but....looking back that was a dumb decision on my part.