If you have teen girls...

[RainCoastMama]

Hi all - this is a slight spin-off of a thread in the parenting area. I have 2 young DDs (2 and 4), and was having a conversation with my mother last night about growing teenagers, and asking for her advice in 'doing right by them'.

I was very curious to know what you would advise mamas of DDs this young to start doing/instilling/practising to avoid pitfalls in the future. What have you done successfully? What do you wish you had done, or had NOT done?

I ask especially in regards to self-esteem, body acceptance, striving for goals...that sort of good stuff.

TIA :

[chiromamma]

Sports. I'm a huge believer in sports for all kids. 2 & 4 is kinda young but 1st grade is good. That's how old my DD was when she started Karate. I would have started all my kids in swimming lessons a bit earlier too. 4 or 5 is good.
Other than that, listen, listen listen, never judge, make sure you have a handle on your own body image and have other women in their lives.

[mjg013]

My dd is not quite a teenager yet, but I have 5 dds. I had horrible self-esteem growing up because my father was uninvolved for the most part, my stepdad and my mom were both highly critical of me, and my mom favored my sister big time. She praised my sister's beauty and outgoing personality while calling me fat and lazy which I wasn't. I was very smart and she never tried to understand that or encourage that. So my advice is to encourage your children in their individual strengths rather than trying to make them into something they aren't. And try to learn about what they find interesting. Always be honest and open with them. Always make sure they know that doing their best is all you want whatever that may be. Try to understand them even if it's hard sometimes. I have difficulty with my 9 year old because she is so much like my sister who I don't like very much. She's very different from me and it's very hard to relate to her. So I try to encourage her and guide her to make better choices. I also try to find things that we can enjoy doing together so that we can find a way to relate. It's hard, but my mother never tried doing that with me. She never wanted to do anything I enjoyed because it was boring to her. So for my own dd I make a conscious effort to enjoy some of the things she finds most rewarding but at the same time I try to introduce her to the joys of other things as well. Does any of this make sense?

[caudex]

Well, I WAS a teenage girl...

On the whole, I think my parents did a great job with me. One thing I wish was different was in the way they taught me to handle some of the realities of life. I was taught that there were bad people out there, therefore I shouldn't go out at night, shouldn't go to strange places, never go anywhere alone, etc. While I appreciate their fear for my safety and know it is well founded, (my mother was attacked when her car broke down at age 17) I wish that instead of instilling fear in me, they had armed me with some common sense and the means to take care of myself, ie defense classes, a working knowledge of how to get around the cities in my area, how to read people, etc. At age 22, I am only now beginning to break out and experience some things most people experience in their teens, and I am very anxious every step of the way.

Other than that, they did a great job with boundaries, encouraging me, filling me with love and high self-esteem and everything a young girl could want for, even if I didn't appreciate it at the time.

[DiannaK]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

Sports. I'm a huge believer in sports for all kids. 2 & 4 is kinda young but 1st grade is good. That's how old my DD was when she started Karate. I would have started all my kids in swimming lessons a bit earlier too. 4 or 5 is good.
Other than that, listen, listen listen, never judge, make sure you have a handle on your own body image and have other women in their lives.

I used to be in this camp, but DD#1 is just not athletically inclined. I encourage her to be active, but thus far, she hasn't found a sport that she likes that well. Maybe I didn't encourage her enough when she was younger?

What we do, is encourage her gift for music/arts. She's taking voice lessons (yay!), and will be auditioning for musical theatre soon. For us, it's all about boosting her self esteem in healthy ways.

I totally agree with having other women as positive role models in her life. I have some close GFs who my daughter adores, as well as my sister, and DHs sister ... they have the coolness factor. It's great for me, since I know that these women hold the same parenting values as myself, so, things are just getting reinforced. Good for DD, since she has someone else to rely on, bounce ideas off, and someone who cares about her.

[DiannaK]

Originally Posted by mjg013

My dd is not quite a teenager yet, but I have 5 dds. I had horrible self-esteem growing up because my father was uninvolved for the most part, my stepdad and my mom were both highly critical of me, and my mom favored my sister big time. She praised my sister's beauty and outgoing personality while calling me fat and lazy which I wasn't. I was very smart and she never tried to understand that or encourage that. So my advice is to encourage your children in their individual strengths rather than trying to make them into something they aren't. And try to learn about what they find interesting. Always be honest and open with them. Always make sure they know that doing their best is all you want whatever that may be. Try to understand them even if it's hard sometimes. I have difficulty with my 9 year old because she is so much like my sister who I don't like very much. She's very different from me and it's very hard to relate to her. So I try to encourage her and guide her to make better choices. I also try to find things that we can enjoy doing together so that we can find a way to relate. It's hard, but my mother never tried doing that with me. She never wanted to do anything I enjoyed because it was boring to her. So for my own dd I make a conscious effort to enjoy some of the things she finds most rewarding but at the same time I try to introduce her to the joys of other things as well. Does any of this make sense?

makes perfect sense ....
I have a hard time relating to DD, since we have different interests, and is different than I was as a teen. I get tickled at her, because she balks at trying new things, (canoeing, skiing, horseback riding) but then ends up loving whatever she tries!!

Some of her interests/talents are 'inherited' from her father, which makes me crazy, so I understand how it's hard to deal with your DD reminding you of your sister!

You're doing a fine job!

[Buddhamom]

We have two daughter's still at home (the third is the oldest an grew up and living on her own already)that are almost 17 and 3 and we always tell them how beautiful and special they are. We support them in everything thing they do as far as sports and activities. My almost 17 yr. old gets to make her own decisions until she makes a bad one, then we step up and show her why it was poor. usually she makes the right decision anyway. I can honestly say she does not smoke, drink or do drugs an is not having sex. YES, I can bet my life savings on it. Communication is a BIG key factor with kids and she and I talk about everything. But remember, you are their parent NOT their friend. They have plenty of those. My daughter will not go to a party if she knows there may be drinking. Instead she and her friends have their own party. You need to trust your kids, but not turn a blind eye to them ya know? My daughter has a lot of positive self esteem and self worth, how much of thet she gained on her own and how much we fostered I don't know. Another big need is for positive interaction with Dad, especially for daughters. You hear a lot about how it affects daughter's relationships with boys and men when they grow up. Kids also look to see how we as parents react to everyday life and other people. If you are rude and mean to others, they will accept that as the norm.

[Ruthla]

I don't think I've really "done" anything special, other than taking care of them, listening to them, respecting them, etc.

[redveg]

I don't know if I have done anything special? I have triplets, 2 dd's 1 ds, I just always let all my children know they perfect how they are, flaws and all. We spend time together. I read a lot to them as younger kids. I also never talked about my looks in a negative way, or anyone else for that matter. I listen to them and let them know they can tell me anything, then I don't over-react when they do. Mine are teens now so some of the things they tell me. I also let them know they could ask me anything and if I knew the answer, they always get the truth.
I think that has built a trusting relationship between all of us.

[MOM2-2]

I am very fortunate to have a wonderful 18 year old DD....who will be leaving in 2 weeks for college! She is the apple of my eye...I am so proud of her! She has always been very independent and thoughtful of others.

She graduated 2nd in her class of almost 400 students, ahead of her NJROTC unit of 350 cadets, received the most scholarships....almost $250,000....WOW....and her studies are the most important things to her right now. She is a beautiful girl skin deep and internally. She has been asked out by many boys....but she is polite and does not want to give a boy any wrong ideas....for she is saving herself for marriage....and does not want to be distracted from her goals...she says that she was giving a great opportunity of going to excellent college (and worked hard for it) and she does not want to ruin it.....she said "guys will always be there....when I get done!"

Well I marvel at it at times....how she turned out so wonderful...I am a firm believer that you are friends with your children while still remaining their parent!