Grandparent visits

[jeteaa]

Ok, lets keep this simple. Just the #'s please. Assuming GP are OK people, not abusive, not saints.... reguardless of how close/far away grandkids live from GP how many times a year should GP and grandkids see eachother to have a "healthy" (beneficial to the child) relationship?

[honeybee]

I don't really know how to answer that... I couldn't even count how often our kids see their grandparents, but it would be more of a weekly/monthly count rather than a yearly count. But distance and finances obviously make a big difference in what is possible. But, other contact, like email, letters, and phone calls would make an impact if there was a larger distance.

We lived on the other side of the country for 5 years when we were kids, and I saw one set of grandparents twice during that time, and the other set maybe once every year or two. But, we moved back after that time because when we came back from a visit, my younger brothers kept asking if every older person they met was their grandma or grandpa. I think the age of the kids makes a big difference in what kind of relationship they can maintain with less interaction.

[velochic]

That is such a subjective question... I don't see how anyone could even begin to answer it for their own family, let alone a stranger's.

My mother lives with us and it's a wonderfully positive experience. So, if I based on nothing but that, I would say that 100% continual contact is great! Then during the PMS week, I could kick her out on her ear and have no remorse (just kidding, but she does get on my nerves).

[Kessed]

That's a hard one...

DD sees each set of grandparents twice a week on a normal week. And she has a great relationship with them.

I only had 1 alive set growing up. And our relationship got MUCH better once we started having supper with them every week. Before that it was in the once a month range - and that was really hard... I didn't really get to know them.

[CatsCradle]

"Healthy" in our case may mean seeing them as little as possible! I say that half-jokingly but there are also some grains of truth in that statement. We don't have a car because we live in the city - so we either have to rent a car or spend 5 hours on a commuter train in order to visit them (they live 1.5 hours away by car). My parents visit my siblings' families much more because they are all on the same page from a religious standpoint. They've only seen DD once this year and I think it pains them to come visit because we really don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues. DD is almost two, but she has seen them so little that I don't think she would even know who they were if she were to see them again. Sounds like a shame, but I've come to accept it. DD's paternal grandparents are deceased. The previous posters are right...it is all so subjective. I see many families who are so close (both in proximity and love) and sometimes I'm jealous. I was just commenting to my DH the other day that as a little family of three...we are very much alone in this world.

[tabrizia]

This really is a hard question because distance does make a difference. When I was growing up we saw my Dad's parents 4 to 6 times a year (maybe more) and my Mom's parents once or twice a year. I am still close with both sets of Grandparents and never felt like they didn't care/I didn't get enough time with them, though more would have been nice.

For DS we see my in-laws once a week or so, at least 3 to 4 times a month which is wonderful and he is very comfortable with them and loves being with them. They only live 30 minutes away so it is easy to see them. My parents we see slightly less often, maybe once every 4 to 6 weeks (more often with my Mom less with my Dad because of their work travel), but when we visit with them we tend to spend a week or more with them at a time. So DS probably spends about as much time with both sets of Grandparents just in different splits. He is close with both my parents as well, though a bit more with my Mom then Dad since he does see her a little more often.

I really think that figuring out a schedule that works for you and your child is best, for some it may be daily and for others it could be once a year, just because it is very often or not that often doesn't mean your child will or will not have a close relationship with their Grandparents.

I really do like seeing my in-laws once a week though it means that DS is really comfortable with them at this point in time, because they are in his life regularly, while with my parents it can sometimes take a couple of hours for him to warm up to them, because though time wise he sees them as often, the breaks between seeing them are much longer.

[Justmee]

I don't think you can answer that question without factoring in distance / expense / etc. My parents live 7000 miles away and my IL live 60 miles away. The kids see my dad 1x a year, my mom 2x a year, and my IL every other week. They have a "healthy" relationship with each of them.

[jeteaa]

WOW, so far most pp kids see thier GP ALOT more than mine do. I guess I'll fill you in on why I'm asking this. My MIL lives in the same town as us. My parents live 3 hrs away. Both sets of GP are OK people. dh and I view it like this: we want relatives, friends, neighbors all involved in our lives. That means spending time with, e-mails, sending photos etc. Its just nice to have other people to care about and to care about us. BUT, I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed with my MIL requests and guilt trips about not getting to visit with my kids more often . Its simple math.... 52 weeks/ yr. dh and I want alot of of family time (us & kids). We go camping, biking, hiking etc (20 weeks/weekends). When we spend time with other people/families, we like it to be one on one time. Its too crazy to always to a big gathering (dh and I are introvert people). So dinners w/ friends, weekend BBQs etc (10 weekends). And we are constantly remodeling our home, so thats alot of time too. MOST importantly, I don't want georaphic locations to dictate our relationships with people. BUT, my MIL feels because it is so convienent for her to "just drop by" (which I hate), she SHOULD get to as often as she wants. Or thinks its her right as a GP to have MY kids over at her condo often. I want us to see my parents as often as we see dh mom (and he agrees). So the equation really comes out to be seeing MIL once every month or two, and my parents once every few months. Am I totally wrong here. Should MIL get to see my kids more because she does live closer than my parents? It is her right to see my kids as often as she wants? My kids best interest is my #1 priority. And I put that above that fact that I really don't get along w/ MIL, but she is not a horrible GP. I NEED to come to a solution that I just accept and can stop feeling either: guilty that I am hurting my kids by NOT taking them to visit MIL more, or feeling depressed/angry/annoyed by seeing MIL more often that I want to. AND NO, it is not an option to just "drop" them off w/ her. SHE is not ever going to babysit my kids, while they are young. But, yes when that are elementary age, I would be fine with them being alone with her then (same w/ my parents)

[MeepyCat]

I think that it's reasonable for you to set boundaries that help you cope with your own needs - you need some family time. Having someone "drop by" unexpectedly or constantly can be really hard, even if it's someone you love very much.

How often you see your parents is really irrelevant here - she's not looking for parity or equality, she's looking for access to her grandkids. As much as she can get. I think you need to stress (and have your husband stress) the need for some family chill time in your very busy lives. See if inviting her to things like a weeknight dinner will help keep the pressure off your weekends, and discourage her from dropping by unannounced.

[Justmee]

If you want a frank answer, I think it's ridiculous to not let your MIL see your kids when she wants to (not 24/7, whenver she wants, but with calling you, arranging a time, allowing you time to do other things, etc), if she's a good influence on them. I mean, it just sounds very childish. Should I deny my kids a wonderful relationship with dh's parents because my own parents live 7000 miles away and can only come 1x a year? If you moved closer to your parents would you only let them see your child(ren) as often as your MIL could make the trip?

So no, it's not her right to see your kids as often as she wants, when she wants, and dictate your family schedule / life. But if she is a good grandparent to them, there is no reason to deny her access to them just to be "fair" to your parents or to try to make things "equal" or whatever. I will tell you my kids have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents even though we only see them 1 - 2x a year.

[Onemagicmummy]

my kids see my dad weekly, he is local
my mum 3-4 times a year ish. she is 2.5 hours away
we dont see DH family. they are not the kind of people i want around my kids for a second. they live near my mum.

Kiz

[Kessed]

For us - we really like having weekday supper with the grandparents. That still leaves our weekends free. They are low stress - just a normal supper, so no one has to work very hard.

We have supper with my parents on Wednesday nights. 3/4 are at their house and they come to us about once a month. Then on Thursday's we go to DH's parents. We almost always go there because they are retired and it's easier for them to cook. We see my entire family on Sunday nights for a big dinner - but still really casual so there's no prep. We just all go to my parent's house for 5pm and eat at 6pm and leave before 8. It's a nice end to the weekend.

That still gives us our weekends to have family time. And we only have to cook supper after work 3 nights a week.

[Tigerchild]

I think that your demand that GPs have 'equal' time regardless of distance seems unnecessarily punitive.

I agree that MIL should not dictate your schedule, or be able to drop by whenever if that's not what you want. But holding her back so that she doesn't get 'more time' than your parents who live 3 hours away so by necessity won't see the kids as much?

I think that kind of scorekeeping can really bite you in the ass later.

Taking your word at face value (she's not a bad influence and loves your kids), why don't you allow her to babysit for you once a week or every other week and go on a date with your husband? That makes everyone (but your parents, but when they come to visit I assume they live with you which means they're more than making up the 'time') get something out of it.

I would toss out the idea of keeping score. Really. Nobody ever, ever wins with that type of thing in the long run.

[Herausgeber]

My mother and stepdad live in Ohio, and my dad and my husband's parents live in Louisiana.

We see my mother and stepdad 3-4 times a year, for periods of 3 days to a week at a time (we stay with them). We see my dad 3-4 times a year, for visits of a couple of hours at a time. We see my ILs a half-dozen or so times a year, for long weekends to a 10 days at a time. We mostly visit them, but they have also come to us a few times.

If geography weren't an issue, we would see my dad twice a month or so, for visits of the same length as we have now. And we'd see my mom and stepdad, or my ILs, 2-3 times a week, if we lived nearby. Mostly visiting as a family for shared meals, but probably leaving DD alone at least once.

I was raised a big Southern extended family, and for years even lived with my maternal grandmother.

[jeteaa]

Originally Posted by RachelEve14

If you want a frank answer, I think it's ridiculous to not let your MIL see your kids when she wants to (not 24/7, whenver she wants, but with calling you, arranging a time, allowing you time to do other things, etc), if she's a good influence on them. I mean, it just sounds very childish. Should I deny my kids a wonderful relationship with dh's parents because my own parents live 7000 miles away and can only come 1x a year? If you moved closer to your parents would you only let them see your child(ren) as often as your MIL could make the trip?

So no, it's not her right to see your kids as often as she wants, when she wants, and dictate your family schedule / life. But if she is a good grandparent to them, there is no reason to deny her access to them just to be "fair" to your parents or to try to make things "equal" or whatever. I will tell you my kids have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents even though we only see them 1 - 2x a year.

I agree w/you to a point. That is is childish of me to NOt let MIL see my kids more, just becase it does not suit me. But what I need some perspective on is WHAT makes her more special than other people in our lives that I have to either sacerfice time we spend w/ other friends/relatives, our own family time or all the other things that make our life wonderfully busy, so she can visit w/ grandkids? My Aunt who lives in Cali is SUCH a wonderful person (same age as MIL). We went down to cali in the spring for a week visit and we will again in the fall. So my kids do have other GP -ish people in their lives who love them. dh and his mom are not the best of friends. He can go months w/o talking to her and he doesn't care (that's a whole other story). So is it just beacuse of genetics that MIL should get to see my kids more?

[HopesMom]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

dh and his mom are not the best of friends. He can go months w/o talking to her and he doesn't care (that's a whole other story). So is it just beacuse of genetics that MIL should get to see my kids more?

IMO, the relationship your family has with your dh's mother is very personal. How can anyone else tell you what relationship is good and natural if he doesn't even have one with her?

Personally, I'd welcome any positive loving relationship for my children. And yes, that the person birthed and raised my dh matters to me, a lot. She has a life history and perspective on dh and HIS family of origin that my kids can only get from her (or FIL).

But, if dh didn't want contact with her? Well, its hard to see how that wouldn't change things.

[limabean]

My ILs live nearby (30 minutes away); my family lives far (8 hours away). We see the ILs about once every 2-3 weeks, and we see my family about once every 2-3 months. I can't imagine telling my MIL that she could only see our kids every 2 months because that's how often my family gets to see them. It sounds like you have other issues going on, because I don't think that issue would even occur to most people -- of course you see people who live in the same town more often than those who live farther!

That said, I understand your point, that you want some weekends just to yourselves, others for friends, etc. -- we're the same way in that we like to spend time with just one set of friends/family at a time rather than just having everyone over at once. I don't think there's any reason to completely rearrange your lives to suit your MIL, but I wouldn't reduce her access to the grandkids just because you want it to be "fair" between the two sides of the family.

[Parker'smommy]

I grew up across the country to both sets of grandparents.

My maternal grandmother and grandfather made it a point to KNOW us. We saw them maybe ONCE a year, and sometimes it went longer than that. But they called us and we called them all of the time and they spoke to us like what we said mattered and they paid attention. THey sent us cards for holidays and no reason too. I always knew that they cared about us and loved us. My three brothers and I have an AWESOME relationship with them. I still see them only about once a year...but it's awesome when we do get together. They are also close to my husband. THey love him! They also now have the closest relationship with my kids, their great-grandkids. I am so happy to know that my kids will look back on their lives and said they KNEW their great grandparents.

My paternal grandparents are just very distant to us. And we knew it then, and we know it now. My grandfather has passed, but my grandmother could care less about us really. She doesn't know a thing about me or my brothers, my husband, or my kids. And it wasn't because of the distance...see above relationship with maternal grandparents. She didn't put forth the effort and it shows. We saw her once a year too. But haven't seen her much in the last ten years. I brought my oldest to her when he was almost a a year ( a plane trip crosscountry...not fun) so she could meet him. My idea, not hers. And then when my youngest was 9 months old we flew her out to meet her. Our idea, not hers.

I'm a firm believer that quality is much better than quanity when it comes to grandparenting.

[cotopaxi]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

WHAT makes her more special than other people in our lives that I have to either sacerfice time we spend w/ other friends/relatives, our own family time or all the other things that make our life wonderfully busy, so she can visit w/ grandkids?

Well, for me I just think about how much I love dd. And then I think about her having kids someday - how much will I want to know them and see them? A lot. It will break my heart if she doesn't want me to have a close relationship with her kids.

vs. say, my friends' or my nieces' kids... yes, it will be awesome if I can be close to them too, but I won't lock myself in my room and cry if I don't get to see them frequently either.

Now, this situation is a little different since it sounds like dh and mil don't get along... but she is still his mother and probably still has those strong feelings for him and his children even things are tense now for whatever reason.

[grniys]

I think it's different for every family. We live across the country from my in-laws, and that's fine by me. My son has met his grandparent's on my dh's side once. We're never going to introduce him to most of my family.

In our situation, I think one visit a year plus calls and emails in between is just fine and perfectly healthy. I truly believe if we let MIL see our son more often it would become unhealthy because she likes to take charge and would try to become the parent. Plus, she's not the best role model. I don't want my children growing up and thinking that her lifestyle is ok, because the values I intend to teach them say it's not.

Plus, if we visited more often we would have less money for "us" things. To me and my dh that's important. I want to be able to do things with our children and take them places. I don't want the only vacations ever to be a yearly trip to grandma's.

If we lived really close (shudder, cringe) to the inlaws, I'd let my FIL see the kids as often as he liked, and MIL maybe twice a month. I think, given each of their personality's, that would be healthy.

Again, each family has a completely different dynamic.