Grandparent visits - Page 2

[kblackstone444]

My son sees my Father-in-Law about four times a week and my stepdaughter sees my Father-in-Law every single time she's with us (every Wed, every other weekend, every other holiday). He lives about 6 or 8 blocks away. How to put this delicately... we see him too much!

My stepdaughter sees my Mother and my Grandparents probably three or four times a year and my son sees them three or four times a yea, plus we try to get a couple visits in where he can go up for a week at a time, during school vacation or during the summer, to spend time with them. They live 2 1/2 hours away, but we have to do most the driving to visit, because several of my family members have health problems where they can't spend 2 1/2 hours (3 hours, they way they drive) sitting down in a car.. We don't see them enough.

[honeybee]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

WOW, so far most pp kids see thier GP ALOT more than mine do. I guess I'll fill you in on why I'm asking this. My MIL lives in the same town as us. My parents live 3 hrs away. Both sets of GP are OK people. dh and I view it like this: we want relatives, friends, neighbors all involved in our lives. That means spending time with, e-mails, sending photos etc. Its just nice to have other people to care about and to care about us. BUT, I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed with my MIL requests and guilt trips about not getting to visit with my kids more often . Its simple math.... 52 weeks/ yr. dh and I want alot of of family time (us & kids). We go camping, biking, hiking etc (20 weeks/weekends). When we spend time with other people/families, we like it to be one on one time. Its too crazy to always to a big gathering (dh and I are introvert people). So dinners w/ friends, weekend BBQs etc (10 weekends). And we are constantly remodeling our home, so thats alot of time too. MOST importantly, I don't want georaphic locations to dictate our relationships with people. BUT, my MIL feels because it is so convienent for her to "just drop by" (which I hate), she SHOULD get to as often as she wants. Or thinks its her right as a GP to have MY kids over at her condo often. I want us to see my parents as often as we see dh mom (and he agrees). So the equation really comes out to be seeing MIL once every month or two, and my parents once every few months. Am I totally wrong here. Should MIL get to see my kids more because she does live closer than my parents? It is her right to see my kids as often as she wants? My kids best interest is my #1 priority. And I put that above that fact that I really don't get along w/ MIL, but she is not a horrible GP. I NEED to come to a solution that I just accept and can stop feeling either: guilty that I am hurting my kids by NOT taking them to visit MIL more, or feeling depressed/angry/annoyed by seeing MIL more often that I want to. AND NO, it is not an option to just "drop" them off w/ her. SHE is not ever going to babysit my kids, while they are young. But, yes when that are elementary age, I would be fine with them being alone with her then (same w/ my parents)

My ILs are great grandparents, but they do annoy me, and I get pretty bored going over to their house, because nobody is interested in thing 1 about my life. I just have nothing to talk to these people about. So, dh tends to take the kids over there a lot, and give me a break. So, the kids get to see their beloved nana and papa, and I get some alone time. Works great for us!

MIL also does watch the kids by herself a lot, but it did take awhile for me to be comfortable with this. She did not babysit ds1 by himself until he was over a year old. MIL was so critical of our parenting choices, I was afraid she would be giving him formula, forcing solids on him early, and leave him to CIO. We have had a lot of rows about respecting our wishes as parents, though, and now I think the boundaries are pretty well set, so I'm comfortable. I also just learned I had relax about some things, like some junk food and tv watching. It won't kill them for the occasional time they're at her house. And, I've seen the bond they have with my boys develop. When I was really able to see how much my kids loved their grandparents, and vise versa, dealing with them became easier for me.

However, boundaries are still very important. Fortunately, MIL is usually very good at not just "dropping by." And she tried to give dh all the guilt trips in the beginning about not seeing ds1 very much, and how we didn't "trust" her... well, so far she hadn't given us reason to trust that she would follow our wishes with the kids. If she hadn't finally given up on trying to tell us how to parent (for the most part), the kids probably wouldn't see quite as much of them.

[Quinalla]

Well, it is kind of different if your DH doesn't really like his mother, but I don't think you should worry about giving equal time to the grandparents, especially when one set of grandparents lives so far away. There is nothing wrong with setting limits that work for your family, but the equal time thing doesn't make sense to me.

And do you have to visit grandparents just because they are family? No, but why wouldn't you unless they are mean/abusive/etc.? Again, I totally understand and agree with setting limits, some folks would be happy to visit every day, every week, etc. and some families that would not work for, but to limit arbitrarily seems strange to me. But maybe I am not understanding

[karne]

I view both sets of GP's as a really positive force in my kids lives. I grew up w/great grandmother as well as grandparents, and I loved my relationship with them. Both generations above me clearly had issues with their parents, but it never got in the way of my relationships. My realtionship w/my in-laws isn't super comfortable, but that doesn't stop me from encouraging time spent with my kids. I welcome my parents as well-they're not always easy, but that's Ok. The benefits of multigenerational relationships is hugely important to me.

[Maggie05]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

So is it just beacuse of genetics that MIL should get to see my kids more?

I actually think the answer to this question is yes. Not exactly because of "genetics", because some people, like myself, are adopted! But the "family relationship" is what I beleive is important. Having a grandparent who loves them and who they know is an incredible gift to a child.

I think that we teach our kids how to treat other people. If they visit often with your MIL, they will learn that Grandparents are an important relationship in their lives. They will have fond memories of those vists, and then (here's the key!) someday, when they are grown up, with children of their own, they will ecourage that relationship between their own children and you.

You will probably want that kind of relationship with their children. One where you are important in their lives BECAUSE of a family tie, a genetic relationship.

I do not know the relationship that your husband has with her, but if she is good to your kids, I would definately have her visit, at least once every two weeks, and maybe even at least once a week.

Comparing it to the time spent with your parents is irrelevant. Better to have one close grandparent than none.

My IL's live two hours away, and my parents (Dad is deceased now) live 20 minutes away. If my husband had tried to tell me that our children couldn't visit my parents more pften, I would have been very angry.

[velochic]

If the other set of grandparents were dead, would you not allow a child to see the other set because you cannot give equal time? If it were your parents that lived close, would you put the same restrictions on visiting grandparents or would you let your mom and dad see them as often as possible?

I think you are having in-law prejudice. If they are good people, you should want your kids to see them as often as they can regardless of how often they see your folks. I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds kind of childish. We're in our 40's and 50's and simply HAVING grandparents for our dd is a blessing in and of itself!!!

And yes... as long as your dh's family is not toxic, they should get dibs on spending time with your kids because they are related.

Then again, I was raised to believe that family is the most important structure in our society.

[Peony]

We see my mom 1-2 times a week, my dad a couple times a month, they live 20 miles away. The IL's live 60 miles away and we average seeing them every 2-3 months, less when they refuse to see us. They are toxic so we keep the contact limited.

[Mom2Boy&Girl]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

Should MIL get to see my kids more because she does live closer than my parents?

Yes.

Originally Posted by jeteaa

It is her right to see my kids as often as she wants?

It's not necessarily her right ... but if she's a decent enough person and your DH has a good relationship with her, I don't see why you'd deny her access to your children. Are you really doing it because her visits should be "even" with your mom's visits? That seems a little extreme to me but I'm in the opposite situation. My mom lives 6 miles away and we see each other at least twice a week (mostly more than that) and we talk on the phone every day. I know my MIL (who lives 9 hours away) really resents the time my mom can spend with my kids, but unless she moves closer, I don't see how I can possibly fix that situation for her. We see her once or twice a year as it is. The kids certainly know her and love her just as much as my mom -- but I also make a huge effort to get them on the phone with her once a week, and I talk about her often so that when she does visit, they remember her.

Can you come up with a compromise? Maybe have a set time each week where she can come over to visit, or you go over there to visit? I completely understand that you don't want to leave them with her, but would it be awful to spend an hour with her -- maybe even in a neutral location like a park or a play center -- so that she can interact with the kids and get her time in with them???

[leighann79]

Well, my kids see hubby's parents (who live closest) about 2-3 times a month. My 2 1/2 year old acts warmer to them when she has seen them about once a week (3-4 times that month). She will usually give them hugs regardless.
My kids see my dad about once every 2-3 months. My 9 and 6 year old are pretty friendly with him. 9 year old DD likes to give hugs. 6 year old DS doesn't want to hug anyone outside of the people in our household. 2 1/2 year old DD keeps him at a distance, but after 30 min to an hour will chat with him. She will rarely hug him. I think if we saw him monthly at least, that would change.
My mom lives with us and all three kids beg to go downstairs and spend time with her every night.
Given all of that, it really depends on your kids and their grandparents. I saw my mom's mom almost every day. She was like another mom to me. I saw my dad's parents about every 2-3 months and still really enjoyed being around them. I felt pretty close to them even though our visits were so far apart. My cousins (on my mom's side) only saw Grandma once a year and they felt very close to her also.

[guestmama9915]

The kids see my MIL almost every weekend, she lives 45 mins away. They see my mom every few months, she lived 1 1/2 hours away (in the other direction). It just happens that way, since DH takes them without me to MIL's house.

Instead of it being a big event, couldn't she just come by and pick them up for a few hours or something? I dunno, it seems way too thought out to me.

[shelbean91]

My kids see my MIL several times a week, but she's our childcare provider. My kids see my parents once or twice a year, but for a week or 2 or 3 at a time. They do live in IL, we live in AZ, so there is a distance factor.

[maliceinwonderland]

I think the whole thing is way too thought out and calculated. We live in the same town as my mom and mil. Mil sees the kids more often because she drives (we don't, neither does my mom) and she chooses to stop by more often (sometimes unexpectedly, so I understand what that's like! ) Sometimes we go over a month without seeing my mom because we're all busy and it's a long walk. Sometimes we go quite awhile without seeing mil because she's busy and working weird shifts for awhile. I've never really considered the idea of trying to make everything equal, and I'm sure both grandmothers would think I was nuts if I did. I don't even know how you'd start a conversation like that.

I really don't think there's a way to say x number of visits is good, y is too little to have a "healthy" relationship etc.

[jeteaa]

You are all right in that I should not strive for equal time spent w/ both GP. And thats not really what I mean to do. Its about BALANCE. As I mentioned, what is in the best interest of my kids is my # 1 priority. But, from what some of you say, kids can still have a healthy relationship with GP/relatives w/o having to see them ALL THE TIME. And yes, for me 2-3 times a week is ALL THE TIME. I talked w/ dh about all this and suggested this: that we invite MIL/husband over for dinner once a month, and WHEN we feel our kids are ready, she can babysit once in a while (if she wants to). dh says, "really, once a month sure seems like alot". If you don't get it by now, dh just doesn't enjoy being around his mom. She nags, treats him like a kid, underminds our role as parents infront of our kids... Currently she work FT, same time dh works, so kids visiting w/ MIL directly takes away from our family time. I feel that I am doing a good thing for my kids by making the effort I currently do to include MIL in our lives. dh doesn't see the value it our relationship w/ her (based on his relationship w/ her and his childhood). I could never see her again and MY life would not be the least less fulfilling. So its about balance and compromise to do whats best for my kids and our family.
Thank you all fro responding to my question....

[spottiew]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

You are all right in that I should not strive for equal time spent w/ both GP. And thats not really what I mean to do. Its about BALANCE. As I mentioned, what is in the best interest of my kids is my # 1 priority. But, from what some of you say, kids can still have a healthy relationship with GP/relatives w/o having to see them ALL THE TIME. And yes, for me 2-3 times a week is ALL THE TIME. I talked w/ dh about all this and suggested this: that we invite MIL/husband over for dinner once a month, and WHEN we feel our kids are ready, she can babysit once in a while (if she wants to). dh says, "really, once a month sure seems like alot". If you don't get it by now, dh just doesn't enjoy being around his mom. She nags, treats him like a kid, underminds our role as parents infront of our kids... Currently she work FT, same time dh works, so kids visiting w/ MIL directly takes away from our family time. I feel that I am doing a good thing for my kids by making the effort I currently do to include MIL in our lives. dh doesn't see the value it our relationship w/ her (based on his relationship w/ her and his childhood). I could never see her again and MY life would not be the least less fulfilling. So its about balance and compromise to do whats best for my kids and our family.
Thank you all fro responding to my question....

more than once a week is waaaay too much to me to comprehend, unless you are real close or need the care... you need some time just you and the kids or other people not just GP's...

i forgot if you said she nvites herself.. seems that you should just make it clear that you will invite her, and then do invite her when you are up to it.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by RachelEve14

I don't think you can answer that question without factoring in distance / expense / etc.

I agree. One gramma in the same town and one three hours away are two totally different scenarios. I grew up with one set of grandparents in our town, seeing them at least once per week my entire childhood. The other set lived two states away, and we flew out to see them twice per year. It is a 28 hour round trip drive, so flying was our usual plan. I think distance does dictate how often you see them; how can it not?

Originally Posted by jeteaa

WOW, so far most pp kids see thier GP ALOT more than mine do.

Am I totally wrong here. Should MIL get to see my kids more because she does live closer than my parents? It is her right to see my kids as often as she wants? My kids best interest is my #1 priority.

My kids have one living grandparent (dp's mom). They see her twice per week on average; she lives a ten minute drive from our house. Dp is her only living child, and my three kids are her only grandkids. She is 83 and has a lot of dementia issues. I think she gets more out of our visits than the kids do (it is pretty obvious that she is fairly confused). But I feel that it is my responsibility to 1)provide my kids a relationship with their gramma, and 2)provide her access to her grandkids.

My (I really need a good term - unofficial adoptive, stand-in - my best friend from high school's parents who treat me as their own, my kids call them Grammy and Gramps, we go to their family reunions, etc.) live an eight hour round trip drive from us. We don't see them nearly as much as I'd like - maybe three times per year? I see them more, but I don't mind zipping down and back now and then.

Should your MIL see your kids as often as she wants? No. But once per week given that she lives in the same town seems fair to me.

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

How often you see your parents is really irrelevant here - she's not looking for parity or equality, she's looking for access to her grandkids. See if inviting her to things like a weeknight dinner will help keep the pressure off your weekends.

I think this is a great idea. And maybe your dp and MIL can begin to heal whatever rift is there.

Originally Posted by RachelEve14

If you want a frank answer, I think it's ridiculous to not let your MIL see your kids when she wants to (not 24/7, whenver she wants, but with calling you, arranging a time, allowing you time to do other things, etc), if she's a good influence on them.

Exactly. But set some ground rules. You mentioned some issues your dp has with her. Maybe this is a good reason to talk through them - so your kids can have a good relationship with their grandparents.

Originally Posted by HopesMom

Personally, I'd welcome any positive loving relationship for my children. And yes, that the person birthed and raised my dh matters to me, a lot. She has a life history and perspective on dh and HIS family of origin that my kids can only get from her (or FIL).

But, if dh didn't want contact with her? Well, its hard to see how that wouldn't change things.

I agree. Which is exactly why I think your dp should sit down with his mom to talk through whatever issues are there.

Originally Posted by Maggie05

I actually think the answer to this question is yes. Having a grandparent who loves them and who they know is an incredible gift to a child.

I think that we teach our kids how to treat other people. If they visit often with your MIL, they will learn that Grandparents are an important relationship in their lives. They will have fond memories of those vists, and then (here's the key!) someday, when they are grown up, with children of their own, they will ecourage that relationship between their own children and you.

This is what I think a lot of people forget when they are fine with grandparents having little or no access to their kids and grandkids. Someday it will be US who are the grammas, wanting access to our grandkids.

[ginadc]

I get some of what you're struggling with, jeteaa. Our situation is a little different in that the ILs are a 90-minute drive away, one-way, so seeing them on any given day means we do pretty much nothing else. They adore the kids (DD mostly, because she's older and can be played with), and push often for DD to spend the weekend with them. I don't mind that, except a) I kind of like her to spend the weekends with us too...and what they want is for her to stay with them, and b) they really push. Sometimes to the point of making me feel guilty that we already have plans for the next few weeks and can't send her right away as soon as they ask.

I do think that family, unless they're total jerks, have a special status and should have those relationships nurtured. On the other hand, they shouldn't be allowed to thwart your relationships with others--for example, by pushing you to cancel other plans you've already made so that they can see your kids.

If we lived in the same town, or even just 20 minutes away or so, it'd be easier. We could meet up for dinner or a play date or pool date without somebody having to drive 3 hours. Getting together on a Saturday or Sunday wouldn't mean it was pretty much all we were going to do that day. (Our weekend days are precious!) In that case, I think the kids would spend more time with the ILs. Even then, though, I might find 2-3 times a week a bit excessive on a regular basis.

I also just read one of your posts more closely and see that you mention that MIL nags and undermines your role in front of the kids. It depends on how bad she is and exactly what it is she's doing to undermine you, but generally speaking, if that were the case, I wouldn't be bending over backwards to give her more access to them. Yes, grandparents deserve a relationship with their grandkids, and grandkids deserve one with their grandparents, but not if the grandparents are going to disrespect the parents' role as parents.

[jeteaa]

I am really trying to figure out why I'm having such (and have had fort he last decade) such an issue w/ my MIL. I feel PRESSURE from the general expectation (society??) the my kids should have a close/ visiting often relationship w/ GP. WHY? becasue they are GP. So in a sense we are saying the person X should have a relationship w/ person Y because they are "related". WHY? Why can't we choose who we want in our lives? I'm not talking about "being friendly" to co-workers, neighbors etc. But I feel simply uncomfortable withe the idea that I HAVE to have someone in my life w/o my choice. Now I know some of you might say, thats what comes w/ marriage. But its not dh that makes me feel pressured to have MIL in our lives, its GUILT. We as parents are constantly having to make decisions for our kids... they if they have A they can't have B. And we make those decision based on OUR priorities and values. When MIL does see our kids she "watches them play" and talks to dh and me about all thats going on in her life or asking about dhs work. So even up to now, its not like kids have fun WITH HER, and ugh, dh and I would MUCH rather hang out with someone else than her..... But, yet, I still feel guilty about it all.