The AUGUST Infertility One Thread - Page 2

[Voltige]

I'm here lurking well past my bedtime. DH and I had another silent argument, which is essentially just not talking with each other. I can't bring myself to go lie down next to him right now. We are just starting this IF journey and already it's taking a toll on our relationship- mostly because I just can't talk about what's eating me up inside.

I have suspected moderate to severe endometriosis. I am scheduled for a laparoscopy on the 13th to be followed by several months of lupron. Then I'll have a 2nd laparoscopy and hopefully that will be it for us. We'll see, time will tell. I just can't believe how incredibly angry I am about all of this. Every time I think I'm coming to terms with it, I get hit with this flood of raw emotion that completely overwhelms me. How do you deal with it all on a day to day basis?

[Held]

Voltige, welcome.

Firstly I am sorry you are going through some raw emotions, sadly it is to be expected on this path

You are NOT to blame for any of the IF. That's one thing I decided right away when I knew something was up, it was not my hubby's problem it is ours.

It's late and I am probably not making sense. I hope you did not go to bed angry. That's one thing I learned a long time ago, always make up before bed, don't ever let the sun go down on your anger, no matter who is at fault (((hugs)))

Will check in more tomorrow, it's late and I should be sleeping

[gumby74]

Voltiege: One day at a time. The path of IF is not a easy one to follow. It's filled with lots of highs and lows and curves that come out of nowhere. Just when you think you have found a solution.....you hit another wall that must be taken down. The thing is....the wall is moveable, but must be done together. DH and I struggled many times with "our" individual expectations. Secretly, I think there was a part that each of us blamed the other for. The only way it got better was with time. We learned from every failed cycle and directed our anger at the IF and not each other. Writing about everything worked for me, as well as talking about my frustrations. My IF doc made sure to offer counseling with a local therapist while couples where going through their clinic. Is there anything like this available to you?

[Voltige]

Originally Posted by Held

Voltige, welcome.

Firstly I am sorry you are going through some raw emotions, sadly it is to be expected on this path

You are NOT to blame for any of the IF. That's one thing I decided right away when I knew something was up, it was not my hubby's problem it is ours.

It's late and I am probably not making sense. I hope you did not go to bed angry. That's one thing I learned a long time ago, always make up before bed, don't ever let the sun go down on your anger, no matter who is at fault (((hugs)))

Will check in more tomorrow, it's late and I should be sleeping

Good advice. Unfortunately I did go to bed angry. DH left me an "I love you" written in fridge magnets this morning though, so that made me smile. He doesn't even know why I'm so upset though- that's the worst part. I can sit here and write it out but when I'm with him I just clam up. It's like I just physically can't talk about it.

Originally Posted by gumby74

Voltiege: One day at a time. The path of IF is not a easy one to follow. It's filled with lots of highs and lows and curves that come out of nowhere. Just when you think you have found a solution.....you hit another wall that must be taken down. The thing is....the wall is moveable, but must be done together. DH and I struggled many times with "our" individual expectations. Secretly, I think there was a part that each of us blamed the other for. The only way it got better was with time. We learned from every failed cycle and directed our anger at the IF and not each other. Writing about everything worked for me, as well as talking about my frustrations. My IF doc made sure to offer counseling with a local therapist while couples where going through their clinic. Is there anything like this available to you?

I need to ask about counseling. I've been thinking about this for a while and I think it would be helpful to me, certainly, if not the both of us. Maybe I should start a journal- that might help. Thanks for the suggestion.

Anyway, here are my stats: TTC #2 for 14 months, suspected endometriosis and possible PCOS. Diagnostic/surgical laparoscopy scheduled for 8/13

[songbird45]

Updated to here

mama-lisa - Most of us use fertilityfriend.com for bbt charts, although I just write my temp and any notes for the day (bd, cm, etc) on a notepad next to my bed. After O when I feel the need to obsess about my chart all the time I transfer it all to fertilityfriend.

Tandy, how are you doing? I have up and down months too. Sometimes I'm totally depressed about AF, but this time I'm mostly eager to get going on the next cycle. I'm way more optimistic right now than is strictly healthy.

biomama, I'd be interested to know what you find out about the thick endometrium. I've not heard of that at this point.

blueyezz4 - welcome to the thread! as usual, hope your stay is short and sweet!

Voltige - Getting the initial diagnosis was pretty devastating, but going forward... well, I have good days and bad days. The doctor always has a plan for what to do next, and while I sort of grieve the loss of just having sex and getting pregnant (people do this??), I'm always looking ahead to that next treatment. It keeps the hope alive. I blame myself more than I should, but I just keep telling myself.. "It's NOT your fault." Some days I believe it more than others. I know this doesn't really help, but you're not alone!

And me: Well, AF is over, the hsg is done... we're trying to bd every morning, and I'll go in for a follicle scan later this week. Hopefully I'll ovulate soon!

[gumby74]

Frustrated!!!!

Ugghhh. So, to start with. I have no idea what my body is doing to me. About a week ago I started having cramping that was light, but noticeable. On Sat. 10DPO, I spotted a little bit. On Sunday...a little bit and then about 1:30 this a.m. a little more. I continue to feel really crampy (like af) and I am now starting to have a little bit of brown bleeding, like I normally do before AF. The thing is that I normally have a 32 day cycle, so all this cramping and bleeding is driving me nuts. Not to mention, I am convinced more than ever that AF is on the way and my cycle is messed up. I took a PG test on sat, sun and today.....all neg.

Now, to the really frustrating part. DS1 was conceived while using a IF doc. We got to that point after many failed IUI and clomid cycles. The IF doc said that I should never have been on Clomid and that I needed to build my endo. up. So, folistim and other hormones later as well as an IUI....I was pg.

Fast forward to the beg. of this year........shortly before DS1 was born, we moved about 3.5 hours away from our IF doc. I explianed to my current OB that we were thinking about trying for another chil this fall. She suggested that I see another OB who has Infertility experience. I made an appt. last spring and went and explained the whole situation to him about how I conceived DS1 and everything I went through. I told him that I wanted to understand what he was planning on doing in order to help us conceive again. He told me he would review my chart and get back to me. Three weeks later......nothing. I called again and was told he would call me back....nothing. About a week later, I received a letter from him stating that when I am interested in conceiving again, I should call him and we could talk about how stimulation would occur. Nice....glad I spent all that time dealing with him, only to have that frustrating letter sent to me.

Fast forward to today......I called his nurse who called me back after talking to him. Apparently, he just wants to put me on some other medication that supposedly does not thin the lining, during day three of my cycle and at day 11 do an US. Then, I suppose when I ovulate, we would do an IUI. No folistim, no timing ovulation.....nothing else. She said that if I need more than the meds, I have to see another clinic. I'm really frustrated. I don't know what to do anymore. Do I try the meds and see what happens? Do I try to find another clinic and wait forever for an appt? I could scream right now!

[songbird45]

If the drug is Femara / Letrazol, that's what I'm on, and it does work for me. It's supposed to be better than Clomid bc it doesn't thin the lining or mess with CM, but it doesn't work for everybody. The day 11 u/s tells them if you're responding to the drug. I didn't respond to 2.5 mg but I do respond to 5mg.

ETA: By "work" I mean it causes me to ovulate, which I don't reliably do on my own. I've never been pregnant.

[gumby74]

Letrazol is the drug he was talking about. I just spoke with the nurse at the previous clinic I went through. I am going to talk to DH tonight about where to go from here. I think we might try and make an appt. with the docs at the previous clinic and see them again. It might be a PITA, but it will be worth it if we can get pg that way.......ugghhhhh!

[Voltige]

Originally Posted by gumby74

Ugghhh. So, to start with. I have no idea what my body is doing to me. About a week ago I started having cramping that was light, but noticeable. On Sat. 10DPO, I spotted a little bit. On Sunday...a little bit and then about 1:30 this a.m. a little more. I continue to feel really crampy (like af) and I am now starting to have a little bit of brown bleeding, like I normally do before AF. The thing is that I normally have a 32 day cycle, so all this cramping and bleeding is driving me nuts. Not to mention, I am convinced more than ever that AF is on the way and my cycle is messed up. I took a PG test on sat, sun and today.....all neg.

This is exactly how my cycles have been for the past several months, except my LP is only about 10 days so this all starts about 5 DPO for me. I have cramping, a little bit of red spotting, some dark brown spotting/bleeding and then FINALLY AF will show up and linger for another 5-7 days. It's incredibly frustrating. I can only assume it's all related to my ovarian cysts/endometriosis. My RE suspects I've not ovulating properly, if at all, although we will not do any cycle tracking, etc. until after my laparoscopy, lupron, 2nd laparoscopy.

I would be very frustrated with your clinic right now as well. One of the only things that keeps me sane is that my RE has a plan, wants a diagnosis, etc. before trying any meds at all. Fortunately my insurance pays for this. I guess that I would be reluctant to take meds without know why/what for/just see if it works. . . because it seems like such a crapshoot to me, ya know? Do you have the possibility to see a different RE/clinic? Can you call to see how long the wait is? I was surprised that I got an initial consultation pretty quickly.

[shastasue]

I'm new here. Songbird I sent you a PM. My history is kind of detailed. Put what you think others will want to know on the list please. We are hoping to move forward with femara IUI's early next summer after I am done with my LPN clinicals. Until then no work no money

[hope4light]

shastasue - Welcome, and as we always say, I hope that your stay is short!

Gumby - I'm so sorry that they are giving you the run around, that really sucks. I'd talk to your old clinic, and like voltige said, maybe see about finding a new one that is closer to you.

biomama - I'm glad you are finally getting somewhere!

Tandy - are you still doing OK?

As for me.... a week and a 1/2 of insane frusturation/depression and horrible aching emptiness is maybe, just a little bit, beginning to subside. I think.

Like Tandy said in a PP - today is better, but who know's what tomorrow will bring. DH and I talked about going to a different clinic that would be an hour 1/2 drive round trip for us, but the RE that we would see has an office closer for some of the base visits (but not the IVF)... I don't know if we are going to, we agreed not to make any decisions last week while we were both doing so poorly. We'll talk about it this week or next, I'll be out of town for a lot of this week for work. Either way, we're going to try again, it's just a matter of if we are going to put our faith in this RE again or a different one. We think that there were some things that he could have done better, and may have been part of the problem with the outcome. Then again, I wonder if we are just wanting and needing to blame someone for it not working. I've spent so much time blaming myself that it feels good to pretend that it's someone else's fault!

So, since we've agreed to try again, we are on a serious budget right now, hoping not to have to finance... I had a flex save that I put a lot of money in for this year to help with the IVF, and it did help a TON for the first round (but didn't cover all the expenses of course), but now the money's long gone, so we'll feel the pinch even more.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there!

[gumby74]

More news: Spoke with a nurse at a clinic that is closer to me. And....I have an intake appt. tomorrow. At least I can put all the info. on the table and we can create a plan that sounds a lot better than just putting me on meds and saying good luck! One of the things this nurse brought up, is that because I had a c-section with DS1, there is a chance that one of my tubes could have suffered some damage. They may have to do another HSG. I had never even thought of that possibility.

[poetgirl]

Thanks Songbird for the new thread!
I'm helplessly behind...
DH and I are moving from SF to Michigan and have been trying to sell our house since May. Now he has to go (PhD fellowship) next Mon. and I am staying here to sell the house. There's the waiting for the last two years to get pregnant, the waiting to sell the house, the waiting to get to try again. It's all quite over-the-top. But seriously something good has to happen.
At our IUI last month DH's #s were out of the blue low (from 100+mil to 5 mil in 3 wks--what?) and after much investigation, repeat SA, they are 100 mil again. Have NO idea what happened. We're going to do IUI again this month and luckily I haven't Od yet. I have been Oing on day 9 and 10 of my cycle and I made it to day 10 today and no surge yet. Phew!
The only change to me is: on 22nd cycle.
I did have an u/s to check on some cysts and got this email:

"The endometrial complex measures 5 mm. The uterus is mildly
lobulated and enlarged and measuring 8.8 cm x 4.3 cm x 5.2 cm,
most consistent with a myomatous uterus."

I have no idea what it means, hence my thread...

I'll catch up and get more personal later. to ALL.

[poetgirl]

Originally Posted by biomama

well, I'm feeling mostly back to normal after Friday's hysteroscopy/D&C/polyp removal. I still have an icky feeling down there, mostly because I know my cervix is open to a few centimeters still. We're not allowed to have sex for 1 week after, and besides that, my lining is all screwed up from the scraping, so no TTC this cycle. I guess it might be nice to have a cycle without a 2ww. But every month that goes by without getting pg seems like that much of my life wasted, passing me by without giving me what I want. I feel pretty frustrated...

Also, the RE said my lining was too thick, like it was building up each cycle but not completely shedding??? Has anyone heard of this before? I might post a new thread asking this question.

Biomama. The polyp removal process was hard for me...just felt very vulnerable when I did it and afterward, kind of retracted in my shell. So, I'm thinking of you. I remember how hard it was to see the ovul. come and go and not try. Lots of healing to you. I've been enjoying Randine Lewis' book about fert. and chinese medicine "The Infertility Cure" and she talks quite a bit about "blood stasis" and the importance of shedding the lining and some things you can do TCM wise to encourage that. It might be worth a read or if you have the ability to consult an acup. I'll keep thinking on it.


HOPE4LIGHT

I've been thinking of you lately.

Gumby, I hope your next appt. will lay things out more clearly and move you in a better direction. Kind of sucks the wind out when they tell you that you might have do something you never even thought of. Good Luck.

WELCOME Shastasue and Voltige : Hope you find the support you need here.

[gumby74]

Jennifer: that really sounds like a lab mistake to me. How could someone go from 100 million to 5 million? Doesn't seem possible?????

[poetgirl]

Originally Posted by gumby74

Jennifer: that really sounds like a lab mistake to me. How could someone go from 100 million to 5 million? Doesn't seem possible?????

I know I know! But the 5 mil # was for an IUI and we were the only ones that day! The urologist suspects that the sperm washer screwed up during the process. SO frustrating!

[Tandy]

yes..i am doing well...

since i started AF i am feeling introspective...so haven't been here much...

all is well...

it is as it is....and i am okay with that...

[Snapdragon]

I am jumping on this thread if I may.

I am Katie- 35 yrs old.
My situation ( as brief as I can):

Basically, I was really really healthy up until I had this really bad periodontal disease diagnosed a few years back ( gum disease).

I eneded up having a ton of surgeries- 3 and 2 and 1 yrs ago, which put excessively ridiculous amount of toxins- especially novocaine- into my system.

So sad
Now I have been ttc for a year- and finally,I am seeing a chinese doctor and he says my reproductive organs are too weak from all the dental surgeies and I cannot get pg right now.
I also have a cyst or something ( from the same toxicity) which I am getting an u/s for today.

So now I am trying to learn how to clean this scary stuff out of my body. It is so sad for me cause I have been so careful otherwise with my body- it was just this big mess of fear and trauma.

So I am going to try chinese herbs and sweats ( saunas) as a start and am researching other ways to help myself.
My chinese doc said we need to actually stop ttc for now and get my body healthy if I can.
IF I can.

This is my story and I hope it gets happier!

[crystal-mommy]

Originally Posted by gumby74

More news: Spoke with a nurse at a clinic that is closer to me. And....I have an intake appt. tomorrow. At least I can put all the info. on the table and we can create a plan that sounds a lot better than just putting me on meds and saying good luck! One of the things this nurse brought up, is that because I had a c-section with DS1, there is a chance that one of my tubes could have suffered some damage. They may have to do another HSG. I had never even thought of that possibility.

I just had a Diagnostic Lap done last week. I also had a c/s w/ DD. I was pretty much all screwed up inside from my c/s. Left ovary was not where it should be-non functional, left tube was hiding w/ lots of adhesions, adhesions from top of bladder to top of uterus, and right tube was semi-functional, endo on the back of my uterus, and a small fibroid he removed. Dr. said he doesn't think I would have ever got preg on my own. now that I have a cleaned out "crib" am pretty excited to see if this will be our month!! Altho I am still really really sore and my entire stomach is bruised!

Good luck to you!!

[gumby74]

Thanks for all the thoughts........it's so nice to be able to express what is going on with people who are right there with me.


I met with the NP for the local infertility clinic. Not really sure what to think. They want to move ahead with blood test and another HSG as well as a SA for DH. Poor DH. He is such a trooper about the SA. I can't imagine having to go somewhere and "O" for someone. It has to be embarrassing.

Anyway, I spent about two hours with this women. She was nice, but not very informative. Mostly, just provided me with paperwork to fill out and a timeline about when I am to do certain tests and such. Very much like the last place. Since I am still spotting heavily, I need to wait until day one of reg. flow and start taking antibiotics. On day 7-9 I am supposed to go in for the HSG, but we will be out of town during then. Sooooo that might have to wait until next cycle. Grrrr. I wish I had exciting info. but it was all pretty mundane. I did have a PG test done, but I didn't find out the results. I'm sure it's neg.

Katie: welcome. You have found a place where you are definitely not alone. There is also a wealth full of knowledge amongst these women. Take Care: