Do You Worry About Being Too Weird?

[ChetMC]

Can having parents that are too weird damage kids? If a child's family or homelife is really far from the mainstream do you think the child suffers? Do you worry about denying your kids typical childhood things when those things are counter to your ideals? Do you worry about your kids being alienated by extended family, peers or their community?

A friend of a friend had a little boy who only ate the most healthy and nutritious of foods. He was six and had never seen or eaten junk food. At a birthday party he saw a bowl of cheesies and asked if he could have, "one of those carrot sticks." I'd love to ban Disney from our house, but somehow I don't think our kids would appreciate my issues with Disney, and they'd just end up feeling denied, and like they're from a freakshow family.

Looking back, I have a new perspective on the weird families. They probably had a point. At the time though, we just wrote them off as the weird kids with the weird parents.

[honeybee]

I think moderation is a good thing. And, I would rather teach my kids how to deal with commercialism and the less desirable things from our culture rather than try to withdraw from it completely. I don't even know how you do that, actually. But, at the same time, there are age considerations... I think I need to do a bit more protecting while they are young, before they can reason through and see some of the disadvantages.

So, while there are things I try to keep out of our house and our daily lives, there are very few things I completely forbid... that wouldn't really work anyways, since dh often doesn't see the big deal. So far, I have managed to keep our kids away from soda almost completely, but I think that's about the only thing. I also protect them from anything violent or scary on television, insisting that MIL turn the news off if they are around. I try to limit "commercial" television. Even at MIL's they usually watch videos... even though it still annoys me that all the characters are plastered over merchandise everywhere. But, I do specifically ask family NOT to buy our kids character toys or clothes.

At the same time, I don't go out of my way to hide the "alternative" things we do, like extended breastfeeding or cosleeping, or homebirthing, or other things that are integral to our family life. But I don't preach about them to people who aren't interested, either.

[maryeb]

We are what most people would find "weird" about our eating, being vegan and eating raw. We spend lots of time with extended family and ds has 13 cousins...they ask lots of questions but no one has ever given us a hard time. (except the people who are just flat out rude like one of my aunts and one sister) The cousins range in age from 1-15 and they have all tried our food and liked some of it, some not. They have asked me why ds's penis looks different, some have asked why doesn't he sleep in a crib, why no tv, etc. But no one has ever seemed to be bothered by it, more just curious. Now when we are around other foods when with family, if ds chooses to eat something we don't have at home, I'm not going to freak. Unless I know he will have a reaction to it, or it's meat, I usually go with the flow and explain what the food is, etc.

I truly do not think he is going to be ostracized for this. Plus we live in an area full of vegetarian restaurants, etc. so to me it is a more normal thing anyway. Since we don't have a tv, there is no issue right now with taking away disney or whatever. But I remember growing up and for some reason my parents took off disney and hbo from our channels and my sister and I were so pissed! We were older though and there was no discussion. We did think our parents were weird because of it, but there was a lot of stuff that annoyed me about them...my friends never ever made fun of me though, neither did family. I think that taking channels away would be harder than just not having it around, kwim? So in the end, no I don't worry about being weird. Or my kid being weird. We could worry about so much, but what is the point, you know?

[nextcommercial]

We have one family on the block who are "different". The parents are VERY strict with what their kids can see or do.

They can't watch TV. Ever. So, if they go to someone elses house, the Mom demands the tv be turned off. They can't play video games, so the same thing... the video games can't be used at other kid's homes.

Needless to say. They don't get any invites to any of the neighbor kid's homes.

It's kinda sad. We sit outside in the street or driveways at night, while the little kids play baseball in the street, or ride scooters. They are loud and having fun. You can see these three kids looking out the window of the front bedrooms, but they can't come outside to play.

I do understand why they can't come outside with us. Most of the parents are sitting in lawnchairs drinking beer, or wine. They don't want their kids exposed to that. But, it still makes me feel bad for them. You can tell they really want to play.

We have even offered to watch the kids closely, and NOT drink or cuss at all. (hard for one of the dads to do) But, they feel like the influence of our kids is not good for their kids.

LMAO... Our kids aren't good enough for them!!!

Seriously though, these parents really ARE WEIRD! I won't let my dd babysit for them, because they freak me out a little. I don't think I would like anybody that is So unwilling to accept others. I don't feel like there is only ONE right way to raise a family.

[Indigo73]

I am of the philosophy there is usually someone weirder.

We don't have cable, little to no processed food, no air conditioning, no shoes in the house, only water to drink after dinner, etc. ... yet have requests for sleep overs nearly every weekend. And I pack extra for his bag lunches at school because he always gets requests to share.

It's all relative, if the differences aren't made into an issue, it's not an issue.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by Indigo73

It's all relative, if the differences aren't made into an issue, it's not an issue.

I agree.

I think it's not really "different" unless you send a list of "to do's" along with him to his friend's house. It's one thing to say "no P.G movies" and another thing to say "no tv at all".

[pumpkinmom2]

i would worry more about your own children holding resentment against your "weird ways". they will know pretty early on that there family is different or not mainstream. if the children who were raised by two totaly different parenting styles get along, then thats great, but i would imagine the kids would like differnt things anyway, a mainstream kid would probably would be "bored" at your house and not want to be friends with your children anyway. not because you are "weird" but bcause they don't have much in common. if you think about who your friends are they a probably alot like you. same goes for children.

what i wonder is it okay to impart strong views on them when they are not old enough to know all the angles and make a choice for themselves? when they are old enough, will you let them form their own opinion? i wonder this about religion also, does a ten yo child belive in his faith because that is what he was tought and how he was raised, or would you let him change his religion when he gathered his own info and believed something other than what you do. this is the same for not eating meat, thinking that watching tv is awfull, or any other strong value you hold.

if you let them be who they are with guidence and obviously keep them from real danger would their own personality choose the same things you do? if they would, then they wont care if you are not mainstream because they would believe that they are making the right choice for them. (i am speaking of school age children not toddlers.)

[nancy926]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

We have one family on the block who are "different". The parents are VERY strict with what their kids can see or do.
Seriously though, these parents really ARE WEIRD!

They don't sound weird as much as they sound terrified. That's sad.

[Serenyd]

I think having parents with 'out of the mainstream' views teaches kids to be free thinkers and form their own opinions instead of just going along with the crowd (MOOO). At least that is the way it was for me. Warning to parents tho .. your kids may not come to the same conclusions as you! And they will probably feel just as strongly about their own ideas. And parents who are too strict who try too hard to force their set of values onto their kids run the risk of pushing their kids toward rebellion later on. : )

[Marilde]

Originally Posted by Indigo73

no air conditioning

omg, here we'll die wtihout it, it's too hot and fans are not enough and they air outside is as hot as it can get

[thefragile7393]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Can having parents that are too weird damage kids? If a child's family or homelife is really far from the mainstream do you think the child suffers? Do you worry about denying your kids typical childhood things when those things are counter to your ideals? Do you worry about your kids being alienated by extended family, peers or their community?

We were a different family growing up. I hated being different. I embrace it now and wish I did more back then. The need and the drive to fit in is strong in many kids...society dosn't help at all.

I honestly can't answer any of the questions yet. I know I survived, because I know why we did things differently.....explaining things to others was a different story.

I think having parents with 'out of the mainstream' views teaches kids to be free thinkers and form their own opinions instead of just going along with the crowd (MOOO).

I fully agree! It took me a blasted long time to see this and appreciate this but ever since i became a parent, I so appreciate it now. When I was younger, I was such a chicken and coward and wasn't a free thinker....now I embrace it fully.

[phathui5]

a mainstream kid would probably would be "bored" at your house and not want to be friends with your children anyway. not because you are "weird" but bcause they don't have much in common. if you think about who your friends are they a probably alot like you. same goes for children.

In our neighborhood, I haven't found that to be the case. We are a homeschooling, co-sleeping, extended nursing, healthy eating, non-cable having, Mennonite Christian family living in a fairly mainstream part of the city. Our house is kid central. Whatever it is, we've got what kids crave. From sunup until we kick them out, there are 8-12 children around here.

Anytime we have a meal, neighbor kids show up ready to eat. If we're in the middle of homeschooling, they want copies of worksheets (and they're on summer break!). If we're playing outside, they're here. When we go to the library or park, they're tagging along.

[GuildJenn]

I honestly think it depends on the child, the parents, and the situation.

I have pretty strong memories of being ostracized for my clothing and a few other clueless/hippy things. Although it was horrible, it didn't really effect my core. My sister, on the other hand, nearly killed herself.

For me, I won't really change who I am. But if my child is truly miserable, I would find a way to compromise. It's not about the weirdness factor per se; it's about the respect for him and his experience.

[urklemama]

I can't deal with places and people who have issues with what other people do with their own families, at all. If I don't watch TV, what does it matter? If I don't want brand names on my kids' butts, what possible interest is it of yours? I assume that people are making the choices they make for good reasons that may not be immediately obvious to me and it REALLY pisses me off that other people don't extend me the same courtesy. Video games and sugar are good examples - if your child can tolerate them, that's awesome. Mine can't tolerate video games but they can eat a sugar mountain with no ill effects. I would NEVER give someone guff for restricting their child's access to sugar, so WHY is the fact that I restrict video games an issue?

That said, I think it's pretty rotten of adults to make choices that they know will make their children's lives difficult and then toss them into a social world where they will feel weird.

[YesandNo]

I grew up in a weird household, didn't notice as a kid, resented it during middle school / high school, and as an adult am profoundly grateful for it.

And looking back, I think a lot of middle schoolers / high schoolers are just miserable in generally anyway.

[wednesday]

I don't "worry" per se about being "weird," but I am sometimes a little self-conscious about it. I'm very aware though that I couldn't fit in even if I tried, so why bother? I just do what works for our family. We are fortunate I guess that in our immediate circle of friends and family we don't experience much if any judgment for our choices.

[sacredmama]

"Be the change you want to see in the world". I actually find that most people are really curious about the ways we choose to live. I don't get flack from anyone where I live, only when I go visit family once or twice a year back east. I just think that there needs to be balance. It's when the weirdness is too extreme that I think there would be an issue. At first I thought I would not let DS eat cake (sugar) at birthday parties. But then in the moment there was no way I was gonna deny him that. I think the best we can do is explain why we do what we do and hope that we are teaching them to make healthy decisions for themselves. So, no I don't worry about being too weird. DS can get mad at me all he wants, there's no way in preventing that!

[Maggirayne]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Can having parents that are too weird damage kids? If a child's family or homelife is really far from the mainstream do you think the child suffers? Do you worry about denying your kids typical childhood things when those things are counter to your ideals? Do you worry about your kids being alienated by extended family, peers or their community?

Looking back, I have a new perspective on the weird families. They probably had a point. At the time though, we just wrote them off as the weird kids with the weird parents.

In short, nope. I love thinking of myself as weird, I grew up homeschooled, with mostly homeschooled friends, so in that respect we weren't weird. I was very much a tomboy and played more with boys than girls and felt ostracized more for that(age 9-19). I went to college and met several friends who were as weird as I was in their own ways. We were different even in the college. So I like being weird. But I chose to be different even tho' I felt left out at times, I was not going to change myself to fit in. My parents had raised me to be independent and feel comfortable being myself and not just going with the flow. (And I grew up in a fairly conservative Christian home, and I have chosen to follow that in my life as an adult.)

There's differing meanings to weird to begin with. I consider myself weird. In the local MOPS group I consider myself the resident hippy. I CD, CS, will BF for longer than almost anyone I personally know, want to homebirth, etc. Homeschooling is fairly normal and accepted here where I live.

I think a huge part is how you teach your kids your values. If my daughter grew up and had a baby and decided she did not want to breastfeed at all and used formula, not because she had a difficult time or physically couldn't, but just didn't want to, I would feel that I had failed to teach her the importance of breastfeeding.

I do want to teach her that many people do things differently, and we all have many different choices in front of us and tho' we don't agree with other people's lifestyle choices, that does not mean we avoid people who are different. I believe we are to treat everyone with love and respect. Period. Although it is definitely easier to be around people who believe and have lifestyles similar to yours. I wonder if your parents had taught you that, ChetMC, would that have made a difference in how you viewed the 'weird' kids?

But in the case of the kids staying inside and watching all the neighbor kids playing, wow, that sounds like serious controlling issues and not healthy. Our friends thought my parents were strict, but I knew my parents had good reasons, and they had taught me their values, and I understood that the choices they made for us were not just random or controlling, and so I/we(my brother) followed them.

It also depends on the community and circle you move in. If you live on a commune, that is the norm for all the kids that live there. But when the kids that live there go to the town where they live, other people might see them as those weird people that live on the commune. The kids might respond, "Yeah, we like it, we want to." or they might want to try to fit in with the normal mainstream way and end up feeling torn.

So I think it depends on the kids and their personality and their self-confidence. Does that make sense?

[`guest`]

I think there is a difference between making your own decisions that work for you, and thinking your way is better. My husband's family are very environmental minded, peace, etc. etc....I came from a similar background, but because I sometimes had different ideas, I was ostracized from that family, and basically disliked, though there may have been other factors as well...It always bothered me they thought their way was "right" and never took time to find out where I was coming from, pretty fundamentalist liberals, and it really hurt---I am just a more moderate person.

Intolerance of other ways is never cool. Everyone is "weird" some people just hide it better than others! I am trying to teach my children to be who they truly are and honestly, I think it's much weirder to stick your kid in their own bed at 1 month, nurse 2 weeks, hit your kids, vax them, abx up the yin yang, etc... but at the same time, i would never teach my kids not to respect other's ways and decisions, and look beyond them to the person inside.

[shannonnc78]

I grew up weird and it's likely that DS will, too. I was always proud of being different - it was a value that was taught to me by my dad - and actually strove to distinguish myself from others early on. I loved not being afraid to be different and I hope DH and I can instill that in DS. Of course during the high peer pressure years it wasn't as easy and I did strive to be more normal during those times, but not to the extent that most kids my age did. I am still weird and so is DH (compared to most people, that is). I revel in my weirdness and hopefully DS will, too (although DH and I always joke that he'll turn out the opposite of us and be like Alex P. Keaton, lol). I think as long as your weirdness isn't harmful in any way it's fine. Teach your children to embrace it! :