Question for those with large age gaps

[foxtrot]

Mostly I'd like to know from those of you that have age gaps 4.5 years or more. I know there are quite a few as I've done some searches. My DS is 5. My DD is 9 months. They are almost exactly 4.5 years apart. I'm finding life very difficult right now. I'm also struggling with PPD so that doesn't help. I think the PPD is making me think that the way things are now is the way things will be FOREVER. Meaning DS and DD are light years apart in their abilities and interests.

First of all this summer has been SO depressing for me. DD started crawling in May. That is about when the weather gets really nice where I live. We've been trapped inside all summer because DD puts everything in her mouth. I've had it suggested to me to just take DD to the park or outside or whatever, but she hates being restrained now that she can crawl so I can listen to her scream in the stroller while she thrashes around trying to get out or I can just stay inside where she can crawl. I've also had people tell me, "just put her on a blanket" and play outside with your DS. Yeah, right! The blanket is merely a starting point for her adventures in finding mulch, stones, grass, plants, leaves to eat. Each time I have to fish some item out of her mouth there is more screaming. So in the end it just really isn't worth it to go outside as all I do is deal with DD screaming because she is restrained or screaming because I'm fishing some object out of her mouth. So DS and I have been inside all summer. This is not helping my PPD at all. I've arranged as many playdates as I can just to have company, but being inside is really depressing me. We do get out for about a half hour on walks because she is happy if we are moving. But DS doesn't want to just go on walks. He's okay with one a day, but he wants to play outside and doesn't like being outside alone all the time. Most neighborhood kids are at daycare all day. So no playmates around during the day.

I feel like I'm really limiting DS's life right now. And that is hard on me (doesn't seem to be bothering him as much). And all I foresee is that their age gap will forever limit our life. But I think that is the PPD talking or at least my therapist tells me it is.

Weekends depress me because Dh is watching or playing with one kid and I'm with the other. Doing stuff as a family is hard as their interests are so different at this time.

Oh, and I've asked people with large age gaps that I know if their kids play together and they all say "oh, yeah my kids started playing together when the baby could sit up" and yes that is true, but for about 2 minutes and then DS wants to do something more age appropriate.

I know they will never be the playmates they would be if they were closer in age, but I guess I'd like to know if over time the age gap closes in a sense? Obviously when he is 36 and she is 32 the age difference will be a non issue. But will it become less and less of an issue as she gets older? I envision next year being able to at least go to a playground with both of them as she will be 21 months this time next year and should be able to go to a playground without eating the mulch and she should be able to use the equipment there. When did the age gap become less of an issue as far as activities? Does the second child "catch up" to some degree at some point so that the whole family can enjoy activities together instead of splitting up into Dh and one child and me and the other? I'm not looking for advice on how to do things as a family now. I do the best I can and we try to do as much as we can all together. I'm just hoping someone will tell me that it won't always be this separate as far as their abilities and interests.

[just_lily]

I can't answer this from a mom perspective, because I currently only have one, but I can give you the view as a child. My older brothers are extremely close in age (10.5 months between them) then there was a seven year gap, then me.

What I suspect will happen is that your little one will learn to adapt, and as she gets a little older (and more "fun") your son will start to enjoy being a big brother more. When I was really little my brothers doted on me, then when they were teenagers I was viewed more as the bratty little sister, with some sweet moments thrown in. As we became adults our relationship changed again and now it is like we don't have an age-gap at all.

They will probably always enjoy doing different things, but that could be the case if they were identical twins as well. Kids just have different interests. I believe that figuring out we don't always get to do exactly what we want to do because it is more important to be a family is an important life lesson. Sometimes your daughter will go to activities that she can't really participate in because it makes her brother happy..... and other times your son will have to do "baby things" because it is fun for his sister.

There were always lots of things that we would do together. I remember playing basketball in the driveway and one of my brothers would lift me up so I could actually get the ball in the basket. Or we would go swimming together in our backyard pool and they would throw me into the deep end (in a fun way). In the summers my brothers were left in charge and we would spend the day playing games together.

Or sometimes it was a mix. For example every other year we would go to a local theme park. Some rides we would go on together, but there were others that they would go on that I was too little for. Then they would spend some time waiting around while I went on more of the kiddy rides. All in all, it was always a great day full of memories.

And a lot of the time it had nothing to do with our age difference. I had to go to their hockey games... they had to come to my dance recitals. That would have been true whether we were seven years, or seven days apart.

So no, it is not all doom and gloom. I am glad to hear that you are getting treatment for your PPD, as I suspect that is colouring the way you are currently seeing things. It is hard when you still have an infant, but it will get better.

Good luck Mama!

[amnda527]

I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Just know that it won't be forever! DD just turned a year, but I really can't remember the last time I had to pick something out of her mouth. So for her, that stage only lasted a couple months. Maybe that's typical, I'm not sure? Maybe in another month you will be able to sit outside with your dd and she won't eat everything. Can she sit up on her own? Maybe you can try sitting outside with her with some of her toys and letting your son run around. My dd is usually go go go but just recently we went to dh's work picnic. I had to sit down with her in the grass, I put a few toys around her and they kept her interest enough so that she didn't want to play with the grass or crawl away. Or maybe you can have lunch outside? If you are feeding her she may be more interested in eating than crawling away. You can either just feed her and let your son play, or you can all have lunch together. Or what about playing outside when she is napping? Even if it means not getting the dishes done or whatever. In a few more years the age difference may not even matter. I use to teach at an elementary school and all the kids from 1st grade to 4th played in the gym together for recess. It amazed me to see ALL the kids playing together as often as they did! You would think all the grades would stay together, but they really didn't. My brother is 3 years younger than me, and we hardly ever see each other. My sister is 12 years younger and I see her all the time. There is no guarantee that just because siblings are close in age they will remain great close friends throughout life. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can!

[Ruthla]

I actually found it quite easy having a crawling baby and big kids- so much easier than having a crawler and a toddler or a crawler and pg, like when my girls were little.

I used to let the girls (5 and 7) play outside in the backyard while I stayed inside with the baby. Or, if we all went out, I didn't freak out if DS ate some grass or bugs. Rocks I'd take out of his mouth, but I didn't worry about other stuff. Plus I always brought baby toys along, and he'd often happily mouth those and not eat so much grass.

I was also fortunate that my girls were big into baby dolls, and thoroughly enjoyed playing with the baby because they think babies are fun. They still love babies even though DS is now an "annoying 6yo." So, when he was too young to play "age appropriate games" with him, they liked playing with his cute little babiness. Plus they had each other to play with as well.

At the playground, the girls would climb all over the slides and climbing equipment while DS happily swung in the baby swing

[LovemyBoo]

My children are 10 and almost 5, so pretty much the age difference you are looking at.

It has been a very positive thing for us and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Yes, their differing abilities do limit what we can do a bit, but they play with different toys, never wear the same clothes, don't really have the same friends. Not as much to fight over.

And they are such good friends. They still bicker like siblings do. But they play together and ds really looks out for his sister.

I can't take much, if any, credit for it. Ds is a very laidback person and he wanted a little sister. So he got what he wanted. We homeschool, so they have learned to play together because we have plenty of days where they only have each other. I am very careful with my language to never compare them or set them up against each other. But it's mostly their personalities and the fact that they are together all the time. So there are mitigating circumstances that have contributed to their being so close.

It does have it's difficulties but you just roll with it. This past summer was the very first summer I felt I could safely take them both to the pool. Before, dd wanted to be in the baby pool and ds in the big pool, but ds wasn't a strong enough swimmer to be alone. So one of them had to be unhappy, either dd being carried in the big pool or ds having to hang out with the babies.

Now ds is a good swimmer and can go off by himself at the pool. It was a wait but we plowed through it and got here.

We're going to Disney World next April and I know that ds is going to want to do things dd isn't or isn't even big enough to do. I know their stamina is going to be different, dd will probably tire out before ds. So we'll just cope. Dh will take ds on the big kid rides and I'll take dd on "Small World". Dh will take ds to a water park while dd and I breakfast with the princesses. If it were just me, they'd have to compromise and not get everything they want, but that's part of being a family.

It really does get better. It becomes part of your family make-up and you all deal with it together because you're a family. Trust me, with all the crap some families have to cope with, a 5 year age difference is a cake walk.

And I feel pretty confident saying that how close siblings are has little to do with their age difference, maybe with really big ones like 15+ years. But personality and how parents treat the relationship has much more to do with it.

My youngest sister and I are 5 years apart and we hated each other growing up, way worse sibling rivalry then what my kids have. Once I went to college and we got away from each other, and grew up, we changed and now we are really good friends.

: I hope your PPD gives you a break, soon. It's so hard to be positive when you're coping with that. Hang in there. You and your family will adjust and it won't be a big deal at all.

[foxtrot]

LovemyBoo thanks for your post because my DS always wanted a sister too and he got what he wanted. He adores her and seems to be handling everything just fine. He thinks she's great and she adores him as well. So far they have a great relationship, but who knows what the future will hold. It's really me that is struggling with their different ages. DS seems to not care. Everyday he tells me "isn't she just so cute" and he tells her he loves her all the time and tells me he has so much fun helping with her.

The one good thing is that DS has always been very slow to mature. So he's always behind. He'd be happy in the baby pool forever I think so that probably won't be an issue in the next couple years. He's very intelligent, just a perfectionist who'd rather do the "baby" thing and do it perfectly than challenge himself in any way. For example he will only play preschool computer games and only at the easiest level because he never wants to lose. He still plays with baby toys given the chance. And he's afraid of putting his face in the water which is why the baby pool will probably continue to be fine with him. If he stays like this their age difference will probably seem less than it is because DD already seems like a much more ambitious person. She will probably use a fork before he does (yes, he can't do that perfectly so won't do it most times).

I guess I just can't seem to see past the "now". But like my therapist said, that's the PPD talking.

I've tried taking toys outside for DD. She sees mulch, leaves, rocks etc and could care less about her toys. She's off to taste test everything she sees. I've seen other babies on blankets with toys. It really amazes me.

Her naps are short so we barely get outside and have to come in.

DS doesn't like to be alone so he will rarely go out by himself. He will go outside by himself occasionally, but not often. It's his choice I guess so I shouldn't worry about him. I miss being outside though! I go out at night when Dh is home or after she is in bed.

[Kessed]

I only have 1 right now... And I plan to have them close (27 months) primarily because of what I experienced as a child.

There is 5 years between my older two sisters, and 6 years between me and the middle one. We were NEVER close as children. There was just too much of a gap. When I was 1 - my 12yo sister used to watch me alot.

I am NOW very close to my middle sister. This started to happen when she got her driver's licence. She became responsible for driving me to and from school and we did the grocery shopping and supper making together. Those things brought us close.

We got even closer when she went away to university. When she'd some back she'd take me out to movies and let me tag along when she hung out with her friends.

As adults (I'm 25 and she's 31) we've lived together for 2 years (2 separate times - once before I was married and once as 2 couples). We spend alot of time together.

[AbbieB]

My DD will be 5 in October and DS is 10 months.

This summer has been a little hard for me too. DS is super sensitive to the sun and I just can't stand the idea of sun blocking his baby skin head to toe everyday so we spend a lot of time indoors.

I to have been feeling depressed (although not to the point of seeking help) and sometimes a bit overwhelmed with managing 2 kids all day and night for weeks on end with very little help from my husband (he took on too much extra work this summer and is stressed out and always working).

I do occasionally venture out with DS in a baby carrier. He is not crawling yet and usually falls asleep when carried so it has not been to bad. BUT he is getting bigger and heavier so I feel the physical exhaustion at the end of the day. And then there is the super mega baby heat that he generates so I am always sweating when wearing him. I've also noticed a recent squirmynessss that is signaling the end of content sleeping baby days and the start of the eat everything in site days that you were describing.

For us planning short outings (library story time, gymnastics class/open gym, the food store, the mall and it's play area, an hour at the beach or the pool) has helped keep the older one busy and the little one and myself not so over stimulated and tiered. I also make sure that there are "do nothing" days in between the activity days for catching up on household stuff and relaxing (or at least relaxing as much as a mom of young kids ever can). I have encouraged DD to go outside to play and explore a lot. She's been into collecting bugs, frogs, and lizards so we set up a terrarium on the porch for her friends to have "sleep overs" in.

DD loves to play with her brother, to the point that I have to physically keep her away from him at times so he can rest. But he provides a wonderful audience for all of her dancing and singing. I think that as they get older they will be great playmates.

I have been jokingly telling people that I am deep in a mommy rut this summer and sort of happily staying there for the moment. I have found a rhythm that is working for us, even though it is not perfect and is not all that exciting. I am going on faith that it will get better as the kids get older. Mothering kids under 3 is a very intense time.

Lots of hugs and support.

[MCR]

My boys are 5.5yrs apart, it seemed to work really well for us.
I was a lot more relaxed the second time around when it came to eating grass etc. But then Ds#2 was a late walker so spent a lot of time in the sling or stroller while Ds#1 did his thing. I didn't restrict where we could go or what we could do because of having the baby with us.
Now last Dd is 10yrs younger than Ds#2. She just got toted along for whatever was going, she's been to loads of baseball games etc I did keep her off the floor for those I really didn't want her eating old sunflower seed shells :
But we used to take the suburban, open up the back, and let her play in there with toys, or I took the pack n play ans she'd play in there and visit with all the parents around us. I liked the big gaps.

[samy23]

I thought I read someone say they let their 5yr old swim in the big pool by themselves while they stay in the baby pool with the baby...but I can't find it now to quote it, hopefully I misread as that thought is shockingly unsafe imo and no swimming pools around here allow under a child under 8yrs old to be in a pool without a parent or guardian.

Back to OP I hope things get better soon, could you take them both swimming together -that's always fun for kids, and how about getting a baby seat attatched to an adult bike so you could take them both out on bike rides? And try to plan lots of activites for your ds to do while at home so he isnt bored which will make him moody, -such as baking cakes/cookies/pizzas with him, painting, play doh, coloring/drawing, get him a little watering can and ask him to water any flowers/grass in the yard maybe? play with lots of bath toys with him in the bath -he might enjoy playing by himself in there for a while too if the baby wakes up, rent some kids dvd's from your local library (cheaper than the regular dvd renting stores around here!) for your ds to watch. My dd loves playing board games so I was going to suggest that but if your baby isnt content for very long on her own I guess you cant play much with him. Its great you arrange playdates too! Goodluck

[A&A]

My kids are now 6 and 11. They can both enjoy a playground, amusement park, bike ride, etc. So yes, the gap closes.

[mammal_mama]

My girls are 6 weeks short of being 5 years apart. I find that they are close and enjoy doing some things together -- but my oldest, now 8, also enjoys having her own space where she can play on her own, and work on projects without having them disturbed, and also having space where she and her friends can play on their own when they so choose.

With the outdoor play, it was a little challenging at first. My younger dd went through a very long oral stage, it's not completely over, lol. And my older dd, similar to your son, didn't like playing much outdoors by herself.

What worked for me, when my younger dd shoved something into her mouth that I perceived as a choking (or other kind of) hazard, was to be ready to offer her something like a big stick to chew on instead (too big to choke on, and not poisonous, either). Being offered something else was easier on her than just having to give up what she had for nothing!

I also got pretty relaxed about her playing in the sandbox and shoving handfuls of sand into her mouth. Our sand included tiny rocks, but they were too small to be choking hazards. So I just gradually relaxed and let her explore more and more in her own way.

It's just so different with 2 ... with our first, we never even got a sandbox 'til she was 3 and well past the stage of putting everything into her mouth. But what do you do when your second comes and you already have a sandbox and she wants in it? In my case, it felt right to let her play in it, and it felt wrong to be constantly telling her she couldn't explore the world orally, since oral exploration was so very important to her.

In the summers we'd fill our wading pool with water (we still do), both girls had/have a ball splashing in it ... and then they had/have a ball playing in the surrounding mud that was/is created. And, yeah, the mud went into younger dd's mouth. A lot.

Now it's easier. They're 8 and 3, and my 3yo's just recently reached the maturity-level where I can sit outside and watch her from a short distance, rather than having to stay at arm's length. She no longer runs into the street, and understands about staying within my sight, so she can even play outside the fence on the sidewalk in front of our house, while I watch her from the porch.

Walking to the park with both girls is so easy now! Ditto with taking them both swimming on my own. Up 'til this summer, my oldest wasn't a strong enough swimmer to be in the deep end without her dad or me with her -- but she always wanted to go to the deep end.

So, actually, dh just took her swimming, and I stayed home with Baby (who was initially terrified of the big pool anyway). Then, this summer, the four of us started out going swimming together. Baby loves the big pool now -- and our 8yo is now a strong enough swimmer that I can keep an eye on her from wherever I'm swimming with our 3yo. So I can take them on my own.

[Ceinwen]

OP - I'm going through the exact same thing - right now.

My two dds are exactly five years apart. I have a seven month old crawler, and a five and a half year old rambunctious runner.

I feel like I'm really limiting DS's life right now. And that is hard on me (doesn't seem to be bothering him as much). And all I foresee is that their age gap will forever limit our life. But I think that is the PPD talking or at least my therapist tells me it is.

Weekends depress me because Dh is watching or playing with one kid and I'm with the other. Doing stuff as a family is hard as their interests are so different at this time.

Oh, and I've asked people with large age gaps that I know if their kids play together and they all say "oh, yeah my kids started playing together when the baby could sit up" and yes that is true, but for about 2 minutes and then DS wants to do something more age appropriate.

OMGosh, do I hear you on this. Dd is constantly after me to do things, but during the day, dd2 is not a great napper and I'm consumed by her needs. So dd1 has become a real daddy's girl (which is fine) and they do lots together. But family time is shot, and my dp and I are stretched between the two kids.

Dd1 is also momentarily entertained by her younger sister, but only when she wants and doing what she wants (again, which is fine) but I will admit I'm anxious for baby time to be over, and toddlerdom to arrive. I don't remember wishing away dd1's babyhood, so that makes me a bit sad.

As for going outside - forget it. Even on the largest expanse of nice grass area, dd2 heads right for the edge of wherever the heck we are and screams bloody murder when I attempt to corral her. The blanket remark cracks me up; once they even start rolling - blanket time is over.

So, not much help from this corner, but man oh man, you have my commiseration!!

[foxtrot]

Oh, nursemummy it is SO great to have someone understand! Really, unless you have a young crawler (mine started at 7 months too) that puts everything in their mouth it's impossible to really understand the difficulty. Especially a crawler that has a mind of their own and is not distracted by toys. She sees a big hunk of mulch and that is all there is in her world. Or the other night I did actually brave taking her outside and within 5 minutes she was picking my nasturtiums and trying to eat the leaves. They are edible, but she ended up choking on a piece that she somehow had kept hidden from me.

My DD is not a good napper either so we are even limited on how much we can do during her naps.

And yes DS is momentarily amused by his sister as well and he loves her, but after about 5 minutes he's saying "come on mommy, let's play cars" as if I can just leave DD on her own while we get out the cars and play.

I've asked two of my friends with babies the same age that do in fact stay on the blanket while they are outside how they manage that. Both answered "they don't like the feel of the grass so they don't leave the blanket". I had to laugh. NOTHING bothers DD. She crawls on the concrete sidewalk and is happy to do so if it gets her to something she can eat. She crawls on mulch. She crawls on our concrete patio. I guess in the long run I'd rather have an adventurous soul like DD who crawls in the grass than a baby that doesn't like the feel of grass as I've already been down that path with DS. He wasn't crawling during the summer, but he STILL doesn't like his hands messy and still doesn't like water in his face and still has issues with his clothes getting wet.

mammal_mama I'm going to try the stick idea. That might work as it is something new to chew on and we might get a few moments peace outside if she's chewing on a stick. And I too do not care if she eats sand. We've been to the beach this summer and surprisingly she didn't try to eat the sand. She was too mesmerized by it running through her fingers!