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joint physical stinks for kids - Page 2

post #21 of 30
I don't think anyone is going to argue with you that this is not the ideal situation for anyone involved. However, complaining about it is not helpful. This is your reality. So, what are you going to do to make it the best situation possible?

Fosusing all of your energy into complaining about the ex and complaining about joint custody is not going to do it. Believe me, I could go on and on with stories of DH's ex. She is not the same kind of person or mother I am. I do not agree with many of her parenting choices. I can complain about how it can sometimes be hard for DSD to have to transition homes. That is our reality. There are a lot things in this I have no control or say over. All I can do is control myself and work with DH on our situation. Joint custody is the best we can make it right now because of this attitude.
post #22 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellygirl View Post
I have just seen so much damage done by joint custody so have my fellow teachers. It is only convenient for the parents the kids are only part of the 50/50 property settlement. Get this straight I am not say fathers are good parents. I have seen cases where I would immediately give the father custody such as in our case. I am just saying kids need a home they dont need a revolving door. .
What do you suggest as an alternative? The child not having equal access to both parents? Having one parent be the primary and the other parent getting whatever crumbs of time might happen to be left over? Or should parents stay together no matter how bad it gets because joint custody sucks and is bad for the kid? Fact is divorce happens almost half the time. If you don't think joint custody is the way to go then what is the alternative? Have you asked your DSS what he might like to see happen? Does he really want to only be with his mom most of the time and not have as much opportunity to have some positive experiences with his dad?
Your situation does not work because there is a parent involved that isn't doing things properly. It's inconvenient and sucky but it's not because there is joint custody, but because there is a breakdown of cooperation and communication. That doesn't mean that joint custody doesn't work. It works when all adult parties involved truly care about the wellbeing of the child/ren involved. Neither my ex nor myself consider our son to be property and to suggest that is truly offensive.We both come from the mindset that children need two functional parents if that can be provided at all, and that our son shouldn't suffer because we couldn't make our relationship work. Joint custody works great for us because we are both willing to compromise and inconvenience ourselves for the benefit of our son. It's a two way street.
post #23 of 30
Breath Kellygirl Breath
Nothing is ever as black and white as you are making it to be. Try to step outside of your perception of reality.

I too believed that Joint custody was a horrible thing. I too have said many of the things you have said but over time I have realized that my black and white thinking only made things worse.

I too am in a Joint custody arrangement and my DD is doing great. In fact just today she and her stepmom stopped by to say hello. When it was time for her to leave to go back with her dad to finish her "sleep-overs" she gave me a kiss and happily said, "I see you in one night night mommy."

Now it wasn't always like this, I will say again that Play Therapy for children is a heaven sent. Please look into it!!!

Not only does it give your Dss a safe place to release his stress etc...it will also help his mom, dad and you learn how to better support him!!!

Try to focus on what you CAN do. It will help.

Also, I gently challenge you to think long and hard about why you believe that your Dss would be better off with his mother. I am wondering if there is not a little bit of selfishness in there. We can all be selfish, especially when it comes to how we want to raise our own children. It just seems like it may be fogging up your ability to see a better solution.

Hugs,
post #24 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by ma_vie_en_rose View Post
I don't think anyone is going to argue with you that this is not the ideal situation for anyone involved. However, complaining about it is not helpful. This is your reality. So, what are you going to do to make it the best situation possible?

Fosusing all of your energy into complaining about the ex and complaining about joint custody is not going to do it. Believe me, I could go on and on with stories of DH's ex. She is not the same kind of person or mother I am. I do not agree with many of her parenting choices. I can complain about how it can sometimes be hard for DSD to have to transition homes. That is our reality. There are a lot things in this I have no control or say over. All I can do is control myself and work with DH on our situation. Joint custody is the best we can make it right now because of this attitude.
: At a certain point you come to the realization that all you can do is the best you can to live with the situation. My son is 16.5 and yes I am counting the 18 mos until he turns 18 and I no longer have to deal with my ex because for the last 10 years I have been living with joint custody. Like someone else stated already, in many cases one parent will have to give more and being that parent I know how hard it is on the other hand I am trying to do right by my kid.

Honestly I don't think focusing on the nagatives is all that healthy.

Shay
post #25 of 30
I'm sorry, kellygirl, but I have to disagree with you. It does sound like your dss has some issues, but in our family joint custody has worked very well and I prefer it to the time when we had dss 100% of the time. He is a very sweet, well adjusted, good grades and lots of friends. I think we have modeled many things to him, but not instability. We've modeled putting the kids first, sacrificing for kids, working out issues with people who don't really like each other. I don't for a minutes think that dss feels like he is split in two. He sees himself as having two families, two houses. When we first started this, I, too, thought joint custody was a joke. I thought he'd have two half house, two half families, but I think it is all in the way the adults arrange it and treat it. He is fully a part of both households; he is not a visitor in either home. At one point I thought that dss's mother should just go away for stability's sake, but I know realize that dss needs to know both parents and to be a part of their lives. I'm a teacher, too, and I'd say the majority of the divorced kids in my classes are in a joint physical situation since it is the prefered arrangement in my state and it doesn't really stand out as an issue for me beyond "I left my book at my dad's house."
post #26 of 30
It sounds like the parents have issues that are not the fault of joint custody. It stinks that your dss's mom is not great and your husband needs to grow up and put his son's needs in front of his needs. Guilting him and making him feel like he can't have a life is wrong and also not good parenting.
post #27 of 30
Thread Starter 
Poppymoma- Thank you that is exactly what I feel. Its like seeing someone in need but you cannot fix or change the situation. I feel bad that my dss had such a childhood. I tell my dh that dss needs to have friends and sports but he misses him. I understand that. But he has to grow up sometime. As for the mom, she never knew what she missed. You can never go back in time. I wish more people would think about the kids before they split. People are selfish and they want what they want when they want it. They dont care. Its all so sad to me. I had a great childhood and what most kids get these days doesnt even come close.
post #28 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellygirl View Post
I have the most wonderful husband in the world but he knows what detriment it would be to take our kids away from me. .
It is a detriment to take kids away from their fathers too. That sounds selfish to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kellygirl View Post
To think about the learned behavior. It is no different than children who become child molesters as adults because they were abused or children in abused homes who become abusers. How about teen mothers who give birth to kids to become teen mothers themselves. Kids learn from their parents.
I have three adult sisters-in-law that were sexually molested by their father as they were growing up. They didn't turn into child abusers.

Kids learn from their parentS, plural. Some lessons they learn to follow and repeat, and some lessons they learn to avoid. Parents plural. JC, PC with visitation, whatever. Just because mommy and daddy don't play well together any more doesn't mean kids shouldn't have access to both of their parents.

Staying together for the "sake of the children" is a ridiculous reason. If you're really worried about the lessons kids learn from their parents, then teach them to find a loving parnter, not to settle for something they can "live with."

My DH did this- stayed with XW for the "kids" which led to 20 years of a really, really crappy marriage, only to end up splitting much later after the kids were grown. And the news flash is- the kids (adult age) still felt angry and abandoned after the divorce.

Instead, their kids learned about marriage the wrong way. They learned that it is a place where you yell and scream, where you can be mean, and that you don't have to respect anyone. In some cases, it's better for the kids to be in a JC situation where at least ONE home has a healthy relationship. I mean, a kid has to have a good role model somewhere.
post #29 of 30
Kellygirl I hope that you are listening/reading what the women hear are saying. There is some great insight, support and advice on these posts.

I wish you and yours a loving, supportive and happy joint custody arrangement!!

: : : :

peace out
post #30 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellygirl View Post
Also, in remarriages it is not the fathers taking care of the kids but the stepmothers.

I am going to gently remind you to please not generalize on this bard about what happens in "all" remarriages or "all" step family situations. I understand that there are some new faces in our Blended and Step Family forum, and encourage you to take a look at the guidelines, which are stickied at the top of the forum.

I know many blended situations where the wife is very loving toward the children, but where the father takes the bulk of the responsibility of the parenting. Because something is common to one person, however, does not make it common to us all. Thanks for posting in a manner that makes this a
"comfortable and respectful atmosphere" for our members and guests.
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