I haven't posted on here in quite some time, but things with my stepdaughter are getting really intense again, and I could use some advice/knowledge/help.
My stepdaughter is 17, and came to live with my husband and I when she was 14. She grew up with her mom in France, and spent 4-8 weeks with us every summer from the time she was young, spent holidays with us, etc.
She finally came to live with us because her mom has a severe alcohol problem, not to mention some pretty unhealthy communicating/childrearing/coping methods. Sadly, her mom is basically a dysfunctional mess. This of course has meant that my stepdaughter has some very unhealthy methods herself, and we have really had our hands full with her over the last few years.
After a very rocky start, though, the past year with her has been better. She has been more emotionally stable, she graduated with decent grades from high school, has done well in maintaining a PT job, and is less verbally abusive toward us and our 5-year-old daughter. Whereas it seemed like we used to go from crisis to crisis a few years ago with her, the crises and flare-ups occur only once every six months or so now.
However. My stepdaughter decided about 5 weeks ago that she was going to put off going to college for at least a year. She had been accepted at an art school, but just wasn't sure anymore that this was where she wanted to go, or that art should be her focus in life. What she would do instead was move to NYC. We had lived there up until two years ago, and she seemed to feel more at home there than she does in Vermont, where we now live. We supported her in this plan, said we were fine with her postponing college until she felt more sure of what she wanted to do, and tried to help her prepare for her big move. She and her boyfriend (who is super-dependable, stable, hardworking) had already saved up a lot of money, and seemed to be doing much of the right stuff to prepare for living in a very difficult city.
Then total tragedy struck. Her boyfriend's mother died of a brain aneurysm (just over a week ago, though it seems like much more!). She left behind three young children (ages 3, 5, and 9), as well as four children in their teens and twenties. It's so incredibly sad. This has meant, of course, that my stepdaughter's boyfriend now feels a sense of responsibility to stay at home for at least another year, to help out financially, to babysit, etc.
My stepdaughter has said that she will stay for another year too, to support him, even though she has made it abundantly clear over the last few years that she can't stand being here. I think she is also nervous that she would not be able to handle living in NYC by herself. So this has raised a really tough situation for us.
Even though she has become easier to be around, and tried to make an effort sometimes, my stepdaughter has basically refused to live by our basic rules ever since she moved in with us. My husband and I really threw ourselves into trying to establish rules and boundaries, to work out more effective means of communication with her, etc. for a very long time. But to be honest, we had largely given up over the past year because we were so drained by all the effort this required. So we have not forced a lot of issues over this past year b/c: 1. we figured she was going to be out of the house once she left for college, and just held out for the light we saw at the end of the tunnel, and 2. she was generally easier to be around, so why rock the boat?
Am I proud of our retreat? Of course not. I am now learning the real meaning of the expression that the only way out of something is through it. But I also understand that my husband and I are human beings, and we've been doing the best we can with some difficult circumstances.
At any rate, we are ready to sit down with my stepdaughter and write out some rules that we feel she must comply with if she is to stay in our house (such as cleaning up after herself around the house, getting a full-time job, not being verbally abusive toward other family members). My husband has already tried to broach some of this with her, and to try and talk about what her plans are, but she has absolutely exploded at him. I can understand why she would feel explosive, to be honest: she's facing a difficult transition period, having to make some hard decisions, and is terrified over the prospect of having to be independent. I have talked with my husband about the importance of giving her some time, since this is all happening so quickly.
However, there is one element I just can't figure out in all of this: what leverage do we have in getting her to comply with our basic rules? I know from experience that she will never comply with them. I always thought that parents were able to use the idea that their kids must think about living elsewhere if they absolutely refused to live with the rules, morals, expectations of their parents. I don't like the concept, particularly (I'm not generally a "my way or the highway" type of person). But I don't know how we can get her to agree to our rules without some sort of real consequences. What makes this especially tricky is that we can be charged with abuse (and even given jail time!) if we force her out. When she is 18, it's a different ballgame, obviously. But what on earth do we do to try to establish the basic conditions we need for our sanity if she is to continue living with us?
Thanks for reading this far. I would love some feedback.
My stepdaughter is 17, and came to live with my husband and I when she was 14. She grew up with her mom in France, and spent 4-8 weeks with us every summer from the time she was young, spent holidays with us, etc.
She finally came to live with us because her mom has a severe alcohol problem, not to mention some pretty unhealthy communicating/childrearing/coping methods. Sadly, her mom is basically a dysfunctional mess. This of course has meant that my stepdaughter has some very unhealthy methods herself, and we have really had our hands full with her over the last few years.
After a very rocky start, though, the past year with her has been better. She has been more emotionally stable, she graduated with decent grades from high school, has done well in maintaining a PT job, and is less verbally abusive toward us and our 5-year-old daughter. Whereas it seemed like we used to go from crisis to crisis a few years ago with her, the crises and flare-ups occur only once every six months or so now.
However. My stepdaughter decided about 5 weeks ago that she was going to put off going to college for at least a year. She had been accepted at an art school, but just wasn't sure anymore that this was where she wanted to go, or that art should be her focus in life. What she would do instead was move to NYC. We had lived there up until two years ago, and she seemed to feel more at home there than she does in Vermont, where we now live. We supported her in this plan, said we were fine with her postponing college until she felt more sure of what she wanted to do, and tried to help her prepare for her big move. She and her boyfriend (who is super-dependable, stable, hardworking) had already saved up a lot of money, and seemed to be doing much of the right stuff to prepare for living in a very difficult city.
Then total tragedy struck. Her boyfriend's mother died of a brain aneurysm (just over a week ago, though it seems like much more!). She left behind three young children (ages 3, 5, and 9), as well as four children in their teens and twenties. It's so incredibly sad. This has meant, of course, that my stepdaughter's boyfriend now feels a sense of responsibility to stay at home for at least another year, to help out financially, to babysit, etc.
My stepdaughter has said that she will stay for another year too, to support him, even though she has made it abundantly clear over the last few years that she can't stand being here. I think she is also nervous that she would not be able to handle living in NYC by herself. So this has raised a really tough situation for us.
Even though she has become easier to be around, and tried to make an effort sometimes, my stepdaughter has basically refused to live by our basic rules ever since she moved in with us. My husband and I really threw ourselves into trying to establish rules and boundaries, to work out more effective means of communication with her, etc. for a very long time. But to be honest, we had largely given up over the past year because we were so drained by all the effort this required. So we have not forced a lot of issues over this past year b/c: 1. we figured she was going to be out of the house once she left for college, and just held out for the light we saw at the end of the tunnel, and 2. she was generally easier to be around, so why rock the boat?
Am I proud of our retreat? Of course not. I am now learning the real meaning of the expression that the only way out of something is through it. But I also understand that my husband and I are human beings, and we've been doing the best we can with some difficult circumstances.
At any rate, we are ready to sit down with my stepdaughter and write out some rules that we feel she must comply with if she is to stay in our house (such as cleaning up after herself around the house, getting a full-time job, not being verbally abusive toward other family members). My husband has already tried to broach some of this with her, and to try and talk about what her plans are, but she has absolutely exploded at him. I can understand why she would feel explosive, to be honest: she's facing a difficult transition period, having to make some hard decisions, and is terrified over the prospect of having to be independent. I have talked with my husband about the importance of giving her some time, since this is all happening so quickly.
However, there is one element I just can't figure out in all of this: what leverage do we have in getting her to comply with our basic rules? I know from experience that she will never comply with them. I always thought that parents were able to use the idea that their kids must think about living elsewhere if they absolutely refused to live with the rules, morals, expectations of their parents. I don't like the concept, particularly (I'm not generally a "my way or the highway" type of person). But I don't know how we can get her to agree to our rules without some sort of real consequences. What makes this especially tricky is that we can be charged with abuse (and even given jail time!) if we force her out. When she is 18, it's a different ballgame, obviously. But what on earth do we do to try to establish the basic conditions we need for our sanity if she is to continue living with us?
Thanks for reading this far. I would love some feedback.
) I juse re-read that you bio-daughter has her own bathroom? that would cause a war in my teenaged home if one of the sisters had something the others didn't.
