MIL let my son CIO

[Juvysen]

I'm putting this here because it's more about dealing w/in-laws and how they handle kids than the whole CIO issue, I guess? I'm not sure if there's a better place or not.

Anyway...

so this weekend, DH was in a wedding near his parents house. We had the rehearsal dinner to go to, so we left our kids with MIL and went to the dinner. We gave the normal instructions We didn't expect DD to go to bed until after 8 because she napped in the car (she won't sleep if she naps), and so we said she could start slowly heading that way around 8 for DD and DS just needs to be held for a while so he falls asleep, but you can sorta just let him play until he curls up with you and passes out (um, yeah, this was not the first time we left them with her). FIL would be getting home from work around 8:30, so I figured it'd be no big deal for them to just wait until he was home and she could put DD down while he chased DS. FYI... we'd had a big e-mail back and forth about attachment parenting principles we were choosing to use and why and she stated her disagreement with us, but seemed to just shrug and move on. We assumed she would respect our choices.:

Welllllllll... we get home around 10 and ask how it went. She goes into this long explanation about how she gave them both a bath and then made DD go into the bedroom and lie down (we normally sit with her until she's out) and it took her about 45 minutes to go to sleep (um, it's because she was alone, with our way, no matter who does it - and MIL has DONE this before - it takes about 5 ). MIL said she wasn't asleep til 8:30 - *sigh* which means she had her in bed far before she'd be tired, too

THEN she starts telling us how she stuck DS in the crib and let him fuss and fuss and she'd come in every few minutes but then she'd leave and he'd cry for a couple minutes and then be quiet and on and on.... Basically, she ferberized him, from what I understand : We just sorta sat there dumbfounded. I didn't say anything except "oh" with kind of a surprised look on my face. It took a while to sink in and to decide how I felt about it

Next day, we go to the wedding (kids were invited), everything's fine, we come back to their place, go to bed, blah blah blah... it wasn't until we were driving all the way back home that I really realized how angry I was about this. And it wasn't even that my poor baby was crying his eyes out (yeah, I can't see him just "fussing a little" when left alone in a room), because it was just once, and I'm not letting *that* happen again and I know he'll heal and get over it and all that, as much as it sucks. What I'm really upset about is how DISRESPECTFUL it is of OUR parenting choices. I wonder if it was some sort of rebellion or some way of "showing us" that he'd be "fine" when he was left to "just cry":

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not really the type to just confront someone. My gut tells me to just not ask her to babysit again. I mean, if she feels ok going completely against our wishes to let our baby CIO, then what is stopping her from spanking our kids if the get "out of line" or whatever other parenting things we've chosen that she doesn't agree with. You know? We've only had her babysit like twice, now, because they live far away and because she had mentioned some personal issues w/my son being intact (like, that she thinks he shouldn't be) so I didn't want to bother leaving him in her care. I don't mind going and seeing her and letting her play with the kids, etc while I'm there, because I can go in and scoop up my kid if need be - plus, she's not really the type to do that kind of thing while we're there....

Bleh. And I was finally feeling comfortable being around her again after the whole "your kid should be circumcised" thing

[FireFrog]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not really the type to just confront someone. My gut tells me to just not ask her to babysit again. I mean, if she feels ok going completely against our wishes to let our baby CIO, then what is stopping her from spanking our kids if the get "out of line" or whatever other parenting things we've chosen that she doesn't agree with. You know? We've only had her babysit like twice, now, because they live far away and because she had mentioned some personal issues w/my son being intact (like, that she thinks he shouldn't be) so I didn't want to bother leaving him in her care. I don't mind going and seeing her and letting her play with the kids, etc while I'm there, because I can go in and scoop up my kid if need be - plus, she's not really the type to do that kind of thing while we're there....

Bleh. And I was finally feeling comfortable being around her again after the whole "your kid should be circumcised" thing

I think that the part I bolded is the key here. You are right that your children will recover just fine. The problem is that you cannot trust her to support your parental decisions. As far as I would be concerned, she would never be allowed to have the children alone. Especially as long as they cannot speak for themselves.

If she ever asks, have your DH speak to her about your mutual decision. In my family, I do not deal with my DH's mother for this very reason. However, my DH makes it clear that it is a JOINT decision on our part, not just me making unilateral decisions. I think that a united front is really important.

Good luck!

[Mom2Boy&Girl]

I had the same experience with my MIL. Your story is pretty much the same as mine. After traumatizing our son for nearly 2 hours (she didn't even CALL us to let us know how upset he was), he finally fell asleep barely 30 minutes before DH and I came to pick him up. When we went in to scoop him up, he was still hiccuping in his sleep and his face was still wet.

My heart shattered in a million pieces that night. And DH and I both agreed that she is not allowed to watch our kids during sleeping times until they are much, much older.

To be honest with you, it took me months to speak to her again. I never confronted her about it when she told me what happened. I did what you did -- said Oh and then sat there dumbfounded. After it sunk in, it took me months to trust myself to have a rational conversation with her without scratching her eyes out.

[oceanbaby]

Dh and I have had to accept that we just can't leave the kids with his parents right now. His parents love them dearly, and would never do anything to harm them. But they don't always respect our parenting style, and we don't trust them to be truthful with us about what goes on with the kids when we're not around. There have been enough incidents that we have finally said to each other "Okay, we get it. This isn't working." It sucks because we don't have many other childcare options.

If I needed the childcare to go to work, that would be a different story. It's not so bad that I would rather hire someone. But I don't work outside the home, so we are just going to have to suck it up and just not go out to movies or dinner together for awhile.

[Hoopin' Mama]

It's so bizarre that she even takes the time to have email exchanges about your parenting choices and has issues with him being intact. What the heck?? That doesn't sound right at all. It really should be no business of hers. It seems to me that one of the glorious roles of grandparenting is just loving the little ones and not worrying about the daily parenting decisions.

She chose to go against your wishes, and now you may choose to never leave her alone with your babies again.

Personally, I'd ask my dh to let her have it. I wouldn't do it myself.

Hugs to you for having to think of your baby crying his little eyes out That would make me sick.

Why I don't get is this: if they live far away, why didn't she choose to enjoy the children and snoogle them to sleep. Why make it so unpleasant? It really defies logic.

[Juvysen]

Yeah, I totally am at a loss over this. It just seems so bizarre. I mean, beyond the fact that she let him CIO, why on earth did she bother putting him in the crib? I mean she knows we don't even have a crib for him. My daughter sleeps in the crib-turned-toddler-bed, so there isn't even one for him here. I have put him in the crib upstairs at her house after he was completely asleep for a nap, before, so maybe she got confused? I don't get it.

The issues with him being intact were passed to us through the grapevine. She only said one thing - before he was born - about how having a foreskin might give him cancer I told her then when he has cancer we'll cut off the cancer. She's christian, but she apparently has religious reasons she feels that he should be circ'd - I guess because it's in the bible? - which is bizarre, since we later found out her husband is intact and he let both his boys be cut Anyway, we clearly don't feel that way. This family is so weird - everyone just talks about everyone behind their backs and never confronts anyone, but it always gets around to whoever has been discussed. *sigh* Maybe that's normal and my side of the family is weird? who knows.

Honestly, I can't figure out why when she's BABYSITTING a child she would choose to let him cio. I mean - if it was anyone else (certainly someone we were paying), we'd just never have them babysit again... especially since they were going directly against our wishes... but we whouldn't confront them, I don't think.

The hardest part in all this is that SIL has very mainstream parenting practices, and lets MIL have free reign on how she takes care of my niece. Of course, it's usually the same way SIL would do it. MIL has taken care of my niece for days or a week at a time (my niece is 18 months), which just feels weird to me at that age, not seeing mama for so long, but I guess if you just don't have a strong attachment...

Ugh... now I REALLY don't want to go to the family reunion in a few weeks

[honeybee]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

The hardest part in all this is that SIL has very mainstream parenting practices, and lets MIL have free reign on how she takes care of my niece. Of course, it's usually the same way SIL would do it. MIL has taken care of my niece for days or a week at a time (my niece is 18 months), which just feels weird to me at that age, not seeing mama for so long, but I guess if you just don't have a strong attachment...

Ugh... now I REALLY don't want to go to the family reunion in a few weeks

Wow, do we have the same MIL? It's eerie... everything from the intact comments (and she also brought religion into it, which is funny since she is CATHOLIC but obviously doesn't know the church's opinions on circ!), to telling us how we were doing everything "wrong," to the SIL who did everything with her dd that MIL told her to do, since MIL was basically the primary caregiver, watching her every day and many nights, too. The only difference is they live about 7 minutes from our house.

Now, MIL never quite went to the extreme of letting ds CIO, but then I never trusted leaving ds1 with her as an infant. She was so critical of EVERYTHING, that I just didn't trust her.

Now, my boys are 2 and 4, and they stay with MIL quite often, even overnight. But, it took us several battles to get here. We never actually told her we didn't trust her to watch ds1, but she figured it out when she had never had him alone by the time he was a year. (However, she often got to see him and had a good relationship with him, and we didn't hover over him when she was around or anything). She confronted dh, and he told her flat out we didn't trust her to follow our wishes as parents. She got upset, of course, but eventually she agreed to follow our wishes, and she got some trial runs. Every once in awhile she slips back, and we have to be firm and remind her of the rules (once we found a sippy cup with of soda after she left, and soda is one of our absolute nos). We have also compromised. The boys can watch as much tv (kids shows, content approved) at their house and eat junk (I gave up on bringing healthier snacks for them, because she would just give them "her" food anyways).

Dh really had to grow in order to deal with his mother. His has always been the non-confrontational style, and he would always just nod his head at whatever she said and then do things his own way. But, since she would never say anything to me, only to dh, about everything we were doing wrong, he had to learn to deal with her. So, they had a few battles.

We've found you really can't just ignore things if they are really important to you. They have to know what is not acceptable. Okay, so they slip my kids a cookie... I can deal. But, CIO? Spanking? Putting 4yo ds on a motorcycle? Soda? NOT acceptable (well, those are our biggies, anyways!), and they need to know it. I would have your dh -or both of you together- sit down and tell her that they are never to allow one of your babies to fuss to sleep, whether she is checking on them or not. You don't have to say you won't let her watch him ever again. Don't discuss why, or get into an argument over parenting style. Just say "This is our decision as parents. We expect you to respect our wishes even though you don't agree." Repeat as necessary.

Good luck. Confrontation may not be easy, but we've discovered that being direct has led to a healthier relationship all around, and now our boys love going over to nana and papa's house and staying with them. And, it is very nice for me to be able to have occasional breaks and do other things (like volunteer at ds1's preschool, or do some volunteer work, etc.).

However, I will say she still doesn't get to watch my babies very often. She watched ds2 a few times as an infant for short periods, but not much. It will probably be the same with this baby. I just don't like the way they deal with infants, as they won't HOLD them. I have a new niece, and MIL actually puts her in a stroller and pushes her around the house to get her to sleep. She is always in a swing or a stroller or some other contraption. Yet, MIL obviously dotes on her... but even when playing with her, she will set her on a blanket on the table to play with her, rather than just HOLD her. I don't get it. And they are just not that quick to respond to cries... it's not CIO, but there is a "let's wait and see" reaction that drives me nuts.

[Kessed]

I trust my In-Laws not to do CIO. And we've left DD with them around bedtime (and many times over naptime). And they would never do CIO. The stories they tell from when DH was young show us that they clearly don't 'agree' with it...

My parent... We're not sure. I think they must have done CIO with us - but we were those easy success stories. They claim that they never "did" anything. But they also say that the way to put a baby to sleep is to rock them until they are tired - then put them in their crib.

We don't leave DD with them during ANY sleeping times. And we won't until DD can put herself to sleep. Once she can be told good night - and then just go to bed. We'll be fine. My oldest sister's kids started having sleep overs around 5yo. That seems good to me.

[St. Margaret]

I'm lucky in that my ILs would never let my DD CIO. My MIL is a super softy cuddly grandma extrodinaire and wants to hold DD as much as possible. BUT there are definitely other things we know we need to watch out for, that they just don't get... so I've thought about this a bit.

I agree with you; you have every right to be angry. Honestly, it would depend on the situation how long I stayed angry. I would definitely be looking for a long talk and an apology, and they would never be alone with my kids again. It would possibly take a while for me to be able to be around them, too. I think you are right on target in not trusting them, as they are clearly not trustworthy. I'm sorry they did that to your baby.

[Juvysen]

Ugh... Dh keeps saying it's just "so ingrained" in her that she probably doesn't even realize we think it's so wrong. Unless things happened differently than she described and she "softened the blow" - in which case, she KNOWS she did something wrong and she was covering for herself :

[alexsam]

Not making excuses, just suggesting an idea...

Sometimes grandparents don't remember what it is really like to handle little kids. They "remember" what they did themselves (and usually not to clearly or accurately) and then confronted with the reality of things, they "fall back" on them because they are at a loss... Not saying that is absolutely the situation here, but if she seems like she was covering it up or is sorry or was caught off guard or any other reason why you might want to give her the benefit of the dount, this does and can happen.

For example, we are tv-free. My parents know this. They understand it. It's pretty hard to miss, especially since we have no tv in the house. I left my sleeping 2 yr old with my dad while I went to a class. Apparently, DS woke up cranky, wanting me, and my dad- a great guy, but without a whole lot of "tricks up his sleeves"- turned to Sponge Bob snippets on youtube . He knows how we feel, but I think he was just out of his league. I guess I'm seeing how it could be possible to be a grandma, wanting to be a "good grandma" who has everything under control, trying to do what DIL wants but having limited skills and being embarassed to call for help (or feeling that it was not bad enough to warrant calling parents).