mean girls--need advice

[witch's mom]

My DD is 9 years old. She goes to a large elementary school and will start fourth grade next week. She is friendly with the girls in her grade level; she's known most of them since kindergarten. The girls in her grade level are very social and very busy--most play sports together, go to Girl Scouts together, go to church together, play together, some go on family vacations together. Many of them are sophisticated and socially competitive.

My DD has friends she plays with, but she rarely clamors to play with anyone. She prefers to play with her older sister (11). DD finds the girls at school to be a bit much to take, often annoying or overbearing or mean. DD is often a mediator on the playground, helping girls who have been hurt by other girls who have said mean things, left them out, etc. DD floats from group to group, well-accepted and well-liked, but without any one best friend for longer than a few months at a time. She's an introvert, very attached to home and family, and she finds that many outside friendships make her "people tired."

Last week, DD went to birthday party for a girl who's part of a tight social group. These are all girls DD has known since kindergarten, but again, she's not part of their day-to-day posse. When we arrived at the party, several of the girls flocked over to her to say hello and hug her. During the party, however, there was a game of Marco Polo and--long story shorter--one girl persuaded all the other girls to get out of the pool while DD was "it." DD had agreed to be "it" because no one else wanted to, then they played a dirty trick on her and got out of the pool while she was groping around with her eyes shut. When the grownup in charge yelled, "Hey, you guys get back in the pool!", DD opened her eyes and the ringleading girl (who happens to be our next door neighbor) said, "Hey, you're cheating! You're not supposed to open your eyes!" DD replied, "Well, you're not supposed to get out of the pool!" Neighbor Girl/Ringleader said, "But it was funny!" Like DD has no sense of humor.

Typical mean-girl stuff, and par for the course with this particular Neighbor Girl, who has been a thorn in DD's side since they met five years ago. (There was a whole series of posts here about this particular relationship when the girls were 5, and I'm sorry to report that not much has changed.) But NG is more social than DD, she's a leader, she's got a band of toadies that do whatever she says, her parents are the center of the social scene here in our neighborhood. DD is somewhat friendly with NG, but one of the reasons they're not better friends is that I saw this coming years ago and we deliberately withdrew from that friendship. Over the years, I've been so glad we did, because I've seen NG's minions suffer at the hands of NG in ways that I never wanted my DD to suffer.

But now I'm confused. Every girl at the party went along with DD's whispered command to get out of the pool to play a trick on her. DD was embarrassed and angry, mostly at NG, but also at a few of the girls whose hurt feelings she's helped soothe on the playground many times after NG had gotten to them. I'm sitting here wondering what the hell we've done to create a situation where our DD is viewed as a potential target. Should I be helping her learn to socialize more closely with these more-sophisticated girls like NG? Should I keep her out of the school social scene entirely? How do I help her maintain some self-esteem when my deep fear is that this kind of thing will only get worse? This has been a tough group of girls since Day One, and as they get older, it only gets worse. Should I just ignore the whole thing and go forward as though nothing happened?

I'm tempted to involve the moms. Much like my DD, I am friendly with all of them, but not intimately so with most of them. (I have a couple close friends here in the neighborhood, but neither of them is a mom to any of the girls who were at this particular party.) I've heard plenty of stories over the years about these women fearing that these girls need help managing their social skills, yet the things I hear the women say suggest to me that they themselves are the role models for these girls. I'd like to blow the whole subject wide open and say, "Hey, ladies, we've got a problem." But I'm afraid I'll just be looked at like the wild-eyed mama bear whose baby got picked on and like, hell, what can we expect, holding ourselves on the outskirts of the social scene here anyway?

I have had some very frank discussions with my DDs about the incident, and it's given us lots to talk about in terms of what makes a friend and what doesn't. I really believe I'm angrier about it than my DD is, but I am afraid this is one incident that she'll remember well into adulthood.

Has anyone dealt with this situation? Any insight would be appreciated!

--Anne

[OhDang]

I am sorry you are going through this, but the sad part is, this happens to basically EVERYONE during this age. I remember this happened to me many many times as a child, and it just gets worse as the school years go on and the girls get older. Best thing you can do is have your daughter be nice to NG, but ignore her as best as you can. There is ALWAYS that one girl that everyone listens to and wants to be like in school. I guess NG is it in your neighborhood. You could try talking to her parents but I imagine her mom is probably the same way and it won't really change anything, it may make it worse if her mom talks to her and tells her that you told on her. She might make fun of your DD for it at school or when she sees her and make it her mission to make her life hell. (worse case senario, but it happened to me.)
Again i hope it gets better but this happens to most everyone and it sucks. Your DD sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and seems like she knows that she is way better than any spoiled little girl.

[nextcommercial]

I'm sorry.

Your dd sounds exactly like my dd. She's a "one best friend" kind of girl. SHe's well liked by everybody, but usually, it's her who gets left out in social situations.

I wouldn't involve any parents. This is normal, predictable "girl stuff". It's HORRIBLE when it's your child though. I have been living with this crap since fourth grade.

Her fifth grade teacher was right on top of this stuff though. She brought her class together as a tight little group. For the entire year, the kids were thoughtful, respectful, and generally supportive of the other kids in their class.

But, sadly, it only lasted that one year. I really wish this teacher would go around the country and teach her technique to every other teacher in every school.

My dd is in 10th grade now, and has found her niche in music and creative writing. She makes wonderful choices of friends, and I couldn't be happier. Her friends are kind, bright, good students, and all have very good morals. So, if she had to go through a little abuse to come out with the common sense she has now, I guess it was worth it.

It is THE most painful thing to watch though. My dd came home from sixth grade in tears soooo many times. So, I completely understand what you are going through, and I am glad I have gotten through the worst of it.

[nextcommercial]

It might help you to read "queen bees and wanna bees". It made me feel better to see that my daughter wasn't a "follower" at all. She wasn't the Queen bee either. She was the mediator, who had no problem walking away when things were getting out of hand.

[pigpokey]

I don't have any advice on the problem, but I do think the Marco Polo incident was not as bad as you think it is and I don't understand why you think it was a trick. Wikipedia says that it's a variation, but I have never known it to be played without the "fish out of water" variation (I am from Florida). Since the mom gave it away, your daughter should have called "fish out of water," and then she wouldn't have been It anymore.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marco_Polo_(game)

[witch's mom]

We don't have a pool and I in particular am not that familiar with Marco Polo, but my daughters are and this "Fish Out of Water" thing was not brought up as a possibility. In fact, you're the first person who's mentioned that. I would like to be relieved and think it was just a variation on the game, but sadly, I don't believe that is the case. I agree that it probably was not as bad as I think it was--somehow, relating the story makes it sound meaner than it may have been meant to be. I do believe that NG orchestrated it all to take DD down a notch (after the girls welcomed DD so fervently at the start of the party), but I also don't believe that every single girl got out of that pool with the intention of being mean to DD. I think many of them did it because they thought it would be a funny joke, and no one was thinking about how it might make DD feel.

There also is a long history of issues with this particular NG. If I were to go through and recount every mean-girl incident that has ever been fretted about by parents over the years in our neighborhood, this child would be at the root of 95 percent of them. I'm astonished that she's allowed to get away with it, and I'm horrified by the ways her behavior is now having a negative impact on other girls' behavior, which is why there's such a big part of me that wants to quit being polite and just say right out loud, "We have a problem and our girls need some help." Our school, particularly this grade level, desperately needs someone like that teacher nextcommercial mentioned.

I have read Queen Bees & Wanna Be's, and also Odd Girl Out, all in an attempt to understand the culture my younger DD is involved in. I do not, actually, view my DD as a victim or even a follower most of the time. (She's a peacekeeper/mediator type, and polite to a fault in social situations.) But I can see that she, and others, will be victims more often as these girls get older. Isn't there some way that parents can help?

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Originally Posted by witch's mom

Isn't there some way that parents can help?

The only thing I can think of is to offer other outlets and activities. My dd had dance. She danced with the same group of friends for seven years, and they are her BFFs. So, if everything at school was falling apart, she always had The dance girls.

In sixth grade, she did something I ALWAYS told her never to do. She made a rude comment about one of her friend's outfit. (behind the gir's back) All the other friends rushed over to tell the outfit girl what my dd had said. That ONE mistake nearly destroyed her entire sixth grade. It sounds silly now, but at the time, it was her worst nightmare. Outfit girl was mad at her, my dd was mad at tattle tale friend, all the other girls rallied around outfit girl, and my dd was left out.... for a whole year. It was very dramatic, with lots of tears, ugly IMs, more gossip and just a whole mess. By November, nobody could remember why they were mad at each other, but they just were.

Drama, Drama, Drama.

But, my dd learned a very valuable lesson. NEVER say anything about anyone that you wouldn't say to them yourself.

[EnviroBecca]

I'm sitting here wondering what the hell we've done to create a situation where our DD is viewed as a potential target.

Nothing.

Your daughter is a potential target because she exists. NG will target everyone at one time or another. The ones whose response is pleasing to her will get targeted again and again.

So, the trick is to respond in a way that's not pleasing to her. Rather than try to be actively DISpleasing (which might require you or your daughter to do something mean yourselves), go for neutral. Don't mention this incident again to NG, the other girls, or the parents. Show no fear. Let it motivate your daughter not to play with NG to whatever extent it does, but don't expect that this is the model for how NG will treat your daughter forevermore. That kind of expectation tends to be self-fulfilling.

How do I help her maintain some self-esteem when my deep fear is that this kind of thing will only get worse?

Cultivate self-esteem based on herSELF, not what other people think of her. In particular, help her remember that the opinions of her peers are not the opinions of the whole world.

My best friend in sixth grade visualized the "popular crowd" as a pit into which kids fell, lured by the idea that there was something amazing down there. We worked together to befriend a new girl and try to keep her safe from the pit. It didn't work, and we were sad when she fell...but then we helped someone else climb out. My friend's metaphor helped me to realize that the popular kids were not having more fun or easier lives than we were; they had a lot to worry about, though different things, and a lot of in-fighting. We still hated it when they picked on us...but overall we enjoyed being up in the sunshine and had no desire to go down into the pit.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

The only thing I can think of is to offer other outlets and activities. My dd had dance. She danced with the same group of friends for seven years, and they are her BFFs. So, if everything at school was falling apart, she always had The dance girls.

I think this is great advice. Groups that involve people of different ages are kind of neat too because they give a perspective that is beyond teen/high school stuff.

And I agree with a PP - there is nothing that you have done or not done. The same for her.

[jjawm]

I feel for your dd. I was very similar as a child. What helped me was when I went to Jr. High (7th grade), and found friends who were more like me (shy, who liked school, and not super-popular). It was nice to have new friends, who didn't know me since I was 6.

Definately see if she's interested in activities outside of the ones these girls and her school friends go to. She needs to know that she is likeable, and that she can make friends. Her school friends' opinion of her is definately tainted by NG.