legal reasons to marry

[baileyann3]

my boyfriend and i are very in love and are planning to marry in time, but we are in no rush. then we got pregnant and now we have a wonderful 2.5 month old baby girl. i woke up this morning and all these things were going through my head and i was scared to death.. like... what if something happens to dd and shes in the hospital and they wont let me see her because we dont have the same last name? i'm not sure if that would happen but it scared me. also, i heard that if something were to go bad in our relationship, i could be left with no child support since im not married.. im a sahm.

so, why did you get married? is it better to be married if you have children? i'm not too traditional and NEED to be married.. but i'm also not far the other way and am not AGAINST it. what do you think?
tia.

[MusicianDad]

It's really up to you whether or not to get married. Since I'm guessing your your dd's bio mom and on the birth certificate, they can't pervent you from seeing her if she's in the hospital. And if your dp is her bio dad, then he will get custody if something happens to you.

Really in this situation I think maybe the only reason for marriage would be government/work benifits that require a marriage license. Otherwise, it really won't change too much.

It won't really affect your dd either way. Married or not, she'll see she has a mommy and a daddy that love her very much.

[Alyantavid]

I don't think it matters honestly. We did get married first, then had kids, but with the divorce rate the way it is now, I don't think that that is necessarily the best way.

Do what works for you, your dd won't suffer because of it.

[RoadBuddy]

As far as your dd goes, you would be able to see her in the hospital, no matter the name (lots of married moms keep their original last name, too). I would have a will written saying that if something happend to you your dp would get custody (and he should have the same), and then designate a gaurdian if something happend to both of you.

What you do need to think about is your dp - if he were critically ill, could you see him? Would you want to be the one to make decisions for him if he were unable? A living will addressing these issues may be more important - you have a clear relationship with your dd, but without marriage, there may be no recognition officially for your partnership.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by RoadBuddy

What you do need to think about is your dp - if he were critically ill, could you see him? Would you want to be the one to make decisions for him if he were unable? A living will addressing these issues may be more important - you have a clear relationship with your dd, but without marriage, there may be no recognition officially for your partnership.

: That's what I'd worry more about, too -- being able to be involved in the medical decisions if something were to happen to your DP. That's still not necessarily a reason to get married, but if I were you I'd look into having papers drawn up designating each other as ... something (I have no idea what the legal term would be) ... so you can make medical decisions if you have to.

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by baileyann3

my boyfriend and i are very in love and are planning to marry in time, but we are in no rush. then we got pregnant and now we have a wonderful 2.5 month old baby girl. i woke up this morning and all these things were going through my head and i was scared to death.. like... what if something happens to dd and shes in the hospital and they wont let me see her because we dont have the same last name? i'm not sure if that would happen but it scared me. also, i heard that if something were to go bad in our relationship, i could be left with no child support since im not married.. im a sahm.

so, why did you get married? is it better to be married if you have children? i'm not too traditional and NEED to be married.. but i'm also not far the other way and am not AGAINST it. what do you think?
tia.

Child support is decided independently of the marital status of the partners. (You likely would not be entitled to *spousal* support, however, as most states do not assign an equivalent type of support for unmarried partners.)

As for the "same last name" thing...don't worry. You're the child's mother. I will likely never have the same last name as my partner or my children (I will not be changing my last name, but have no problem with my children having my partner's last name). Think about it...many married adult women have different last names from their parents, but nobody ever wonders if they'll have a hard time visiting their parents in the hospital.

Do make sure your child's father has paternity and custody established according to the laws of your state. In my state, if my partner and I had a child, he'd have to acknowledge paternity and have a court assign him custody--even if we were living together and raising the child together as though we were married. (The court won't set up a custody schedule, then, but just establish joint legal and physical custody/placement.)

Carry a birth certificate if you think you may have trouble.

As for your partner, you can have a healthcare power of attorney drawn up if you and your partner want to be able to make medical decisions on each other's behalf.

That said, there are lots of rights and benefits that come from being married--you may get better tax treatment (this happens more often when one partner makes far more money than the other); the right to inherit from one another without a will and without paying estate taxes; the right to FMLA leave; etc.

[littlest birds]

My dh and I are not legally married. But he is my husband in every way--in spirit in heart in sharing all the burdens and joys of life and staying together forever. We have four children and have been together over 9 years (committed) and 2yrs before that.

We experience a few pros and a few cons. We have not taken care of all potential legal questions involving catastrophic situations. We should. Or we should bite the bullet, give up our substantial tax break, and get legal.

We were able to use the domestic partner option here to get a family insurance plan. It was awkward in a way proving we were partners--it was designed for same sex couples so it was interesting to get a tiny hint of what that is like for them. We are both on the deed for our house as co-owners, but we are single. There are many small things like that.

Here, if I needed public assistance for health care for myself and were married I would not be eligible but if I were a single parent I would be--this is regardless of our income. I could get coverage for a pregnancy, or for baby or children, but not for myself. As of about 7 years ago, anyhow.

We have watched so many couples we know well divorce while we have stayed strong. We see ourselves as married and expect to grow old together.

[Abarat]

DH and I just got married a few weeks ago. We have a 2 1/2 year old together, so that wasn't the reason. LOL

One big reason was that I'm a SAHM and have no insurance and couldn't get it under any domestic partnership agreement or anything anyway. Plus we'd like to have another baby and I definitely need some insurance for that.

When DS was born we requested that the hospital provide a paternity release/agreement so that we could both sign that he was our child in case there were any issues in the future because it's free to do that in the hospital but lawyer fees doing it after that are horrible. It was more for DH than me because from what I understand even without marriage it's much easier for me to get child support from him than for him to assert paternity rights without some paperwork.

Also, DS received both last names which I liked. Even though we're married I kept my maiden name so it's nice to have DS with both last names.

So marriage was a little more security for all of us, insurance for me (which makes DH worry less), etc. But really, if you can get insurance without marriage everything else can really be taken care of without marriage such as who will get a child should one or both of you pass, etc. Medical decisions can be made if one partner gives the other power of attourney or at least medical power of attourney, etc.

Anyway, good luck!

[siobhang]

what about the right to Social security spousal benefits if you are not working?

From what I have surmised, there are many different legal benefits of being married based on pooling your assets together. Some states have legal requirements that you co-title assets or named as beneficiary for insurance, etc. This can be a protection for a non-earning spouse. Also, in case of spliting up the assets gained during a partnership when there is one non-earning partner, I believe the marriage protects the non-earning spouse's right to joint assets more so than the default.

On the down side, you are pooling your assets and that means taking on each other's credit risk. If one person has bad credit or debt, the other person may be affected (depends on the type of debt, when it was taken, etc).

And then there is social support. Frankly, I have found that people take our relationship more seriously when they think we are married. I ain't saying this is fair or the way things should be, I am saying this is what I have found.

[lovemysunshine]

We got married when our DD was 3 months old. We probably would have waited longer, but my health insurance was up due to SAH and I have thyroid issues that would have been out of our budget without it. So we basically got married when we did because of insurance, but that wasn't the only reason for getting married either KWIM? Good luck making the decision that's right for your family!

[littlest birds]

Originally Posted by siobhang

what about the right to Social security spousal benefits if you are not working?

From what I have surmised, there are many different legal benefits of being married based on pooling your assets together. Some states have legal requirements that you co-title assets or named as beneficiary for insurance, etc. This can be a protection for a non-earning spouse. Also, in case of spliting up the assets gained during a partnership when there is one non-earning partner, I believe the marriage protects the non-earning spouse's right to joint assets more so than the default.

On the down side, you are pooling your assets and that means taking on each other's credit risk. If one person has bad credit or debt, the other person may be affected (depends on the type of debt, when it was taken, etc).

And then there is social support. Frankly, I have found that people take our relationship more seriously when they think we are married. I ain't saying this is fair or the way things should be, I am saying this is what I have found.

Personally, I decided my right to collect dh's social security isn't important to me. The children would be eligible as dependents.

I call dh my husband, I have also told many people we aren't legally married, but our community treats us as married. We've been together so long and everyone knows us as "a fixture" of the community, so now after this time has passed there isn't a social stigma because everyone treats us as married and "serious." Early on, I tended to feel embarrassed sometimes in some situations. It doesn't come up anymore, though.

Of course, I wouldn't mind being married at all. We just haven't. For a while we couldn't agree on how big a party to have for a wedding and what kind of wedding we wanted, then we had twins, bought a house, had another baby, bought another house, got caught up in all the other business of living and somehow it became very unimportant.

[JennTheMomma]

I think marriage is a personal thing for everyone. There are many reasons people get married these days. DH and I got married to honor the love and commitment that we already had for eachother.

[cyndimo]

I think most of the legal/financial high and low points have been mentioned:
- significant tax incentives when one partner makes a lot more than the other (as in the case of a SAHM)/the so-called 'marriage penalty' when both partners make about the same. (Originally created as an incentive for women to leave the workforce at the end of WWII)
- death and divorce stuff... inheritance, social security benefits, distribution of assetts on divorce, alimony, etc
- automatic medical power of attorney, ability to make end of life decisions including burial, etc.
- potential loss of state benefits that are tied to income or marital status

But, there's also a lot to be said for the societal approval and support that married couples get. It's sort of intangible and I can't quite articulate the value of it, but it can be huge. Even when you have a kid together, there's a difference between refering to your boyfriend and your husband in casual conversation in the way you are valued as a family. If he needed to go to a doctor's appointment and wanted you there, you would get a lot more respect and cooperation from people if they knew you were going to be with your husband. He'd have an easier time leaving work to be with his wife. Your family might take it all much more seriously once you have that paper. And, if things get rough, others are more inclined to help you work it out with a spouse and might just tell you to get over your boyfriend. (Plus, if you are so inclined, this is about your only chance to get some cool wedding gifts )

DP and I have been together for 12 years. Marriage only became an option for us this summer and may expire this fall. It will not be recognized federally, so most of the benefits listed above will not apply to us. But, while our families totally take us seriously as a couple/family, having this piece of paper now that it's available is important. In some ways, when it was not an option, it wasn't an issue to them. I think it would be an issue if we could do it and chose not to. We have over the years thought about doing a commitment ceremony, but as deeporgarten says, life just gets in the way... we bought a house, went on a once-in-a-lifetime Alaska cruise, tried to make a baby (not cheap for us!), adopted a baby, are raising said baby and saving for college, team sports, etc and so on.
But, with the November deadline upon us, we decided to keep our aniversary the same and get married this October. now I'm in full wedding-planning swing... We are planning a modest party to celebrate the people in our lives who are important to us, who have helped us stay strong for 12 years and who we are counting on to help support us in times to come.

Anyway - sorry to ramble... best of luck in any decision.
Cyndi

[savithny]

If your DP is not on the birth certificate/established paternity then...

You need to know that your statement in your will re: guardianship of your children is not legally binding. It is a recommendation and while it is generally followed unless there are reasons not to -- it is contestable.

This is because children are not physical property and you cannot "bequeath" them to someone.

So if you haven't done the paternity paperwork, that should be a priority.

[EnviroBecca]

There's lots of information at http://www.unmarried.org

I'm happily unmarried for 14 years and loving it! But I have my own income and savings. That makes a big difference in taxes and in your financial status if you split up.