Out at 4 AM

[milkmommie]

I know there have been a lot of threads on this lately but I really need some advice. It's a good thing we don't all live in the same town or it sounds like our streets would be teeming with teenagers in the middle of the night!

DS is going to be 16 in a few weeks. He spent the night at his friends house last night as he has done quite a bit this summer. Well, DH called me this morning after he got to work...he gets up and leaves at 4AM....he'd had an accident and oh by the way he saw ds and his friend out riding their bikes around town at 4AM!! DH is fine but I can't say the same for DS when DH gets ahold of him today.

DS said they had gone to sleep but had gotten up and gone out to ride bikes early in the morning because there were no cars out. Well, I know my DS and if he'd gone to sleep there's NO WAY he dragged his butt out of bed at 4am to ride bikes. I could march a naked girl through his room in the morning and he'd still refuse to open his eyes and wake up I'm sure he didn't sleep at all and God knows how long they'd been out...possibly all night.

I know this is like a teenage rite of passage. When I was a teen, my bff and I used to sneak out and walk the streets of Hollywood! Thank God we live in a small town and there's not a lot of danger for him here. BUT I know the town has a curfew and he could have had some trouble with the police if he'd been caught out. Also, it scares me to think that no one knew where they were if they'd been hurt.

So, obviously he won't be spending the night at his friend's house for the rest of summer. (only three more weeks) And DH wants DS to be "put to work", weedeating, cleaning, etc. But I'm wondering if anyone has anymore ideas for consequences?
I hate this teenager "I am invincible, I fear nothing" phase!!!

DS is angry because he doesn't think there was anything wrong with what he did.

[harrietsmama]

Hugs!

My Grandma had a rule and it worked well for us. She had to know what where who and how long. I went to small clubs Waaaay downtown Detroit to see bands and then we went to Denny's and I often got home at 3 or so. All I had to do was tell her the plans ahead of time and call if anything changes. She rarely said no as long as there were a few friends with me, or my boyfriend who she trusted b/c he came to Sunday dinner all the time and interacted with Great Grandma Fyie (dare I speak ill of the dead) and Great Aunt Betty - loved her & she's still kicking! but anyone willing to participate in that was ok in her book. I had a lot of freedom because she trusted me, so I acted trustworthy. When I moved with her I was smoking pot everyday and sneaking out and putting myself in a lot of danger. She gave me a clean slate.

I don't know if that helps at all, I don't have specific suggestions, It's just a turnaround story that I learned a lot from. She made all my friends feel welcome and as long as they were willing to interact with her at some level, she gave me trust.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by milkmommie

Well, I know my DS and if he'd gone to sleep there's NO WAY he dragged his butt out of bed at 4am to ride bikes. I could march a naked girl through his room in the morning and he'd still refuse to open his eyes and wake up

laughup

I did the same kind of stuff when I was 13-15 yrs old. Once I started driving I stopped sneaking out at night, not sure why. But anyway, I did the sneaking out thing too but only when I went to my friend's houses. We didn't get in any trouble and usually just walked the streets and talked and met up with other kids. BUT it was dangerous and it's even more dangerous in this day and time (or I think so) and I would likely have a talk with my child for sure. I'd make sure they know I know without being too hard on them. Kids like to test their independence and we can't shelter them forever I guess, no matter how much I'd like to be able to.

[GooeyRN]

It seems like the trust is broken now. I would not do sleepovers for awhile after that. I would probably insist on checking in more frequently now, too. I am thankful for you that it is mostly safe here and there aren't cops on duty past 2am. I hope he learns from this.

[milkmommie]

Thanks. There's a lot worse trouble he could get into. I know that. And I'm thankful we're not dealing with something worse. The thing is, he knows we wouldn't be okay with this and took advantage of sleeping over a friend's house to do it anyway.

I have to be honest, my Mom was super over militant protective and it drove me to be a total misbehaving rebel. I don't want to do the same to my kids. When ds tells me that I'm being unreasonable, I question myself and wonder, is this too overprotective? I don't want to err on the side of too loose and free with him because I'm trying not to be overprotective KWIM?

I'm nervous about this too because he still claims that my reasons for not wanting him out at 4am are "stupid and paranoid". So, if given the opportunity, he will do it again. I can only force my wants on him for so long.
Not sure how to deal with this one.

[GooeyRN]

I used to take every opportunity to be out during the night, too. We used to say we were sleeping over each others houses. Then if one parent caught wind, we would say we were going to stay at a 3rd friends house. It really depends on how involved the other parents are. Some simply don't care what their kids do as long as they don't end up having to pay fines. My 1 friends parents were like that. That friend is now in jail... Its a fine line with a 14 year old, being too over protective, or being too permissive. I don't know if would help to talk to the other parents to make sure they know that your boy is staying over, and to let you know if there is a change of plans. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your kids to be in a house overnight. Expecting them to sleep may be unreasonable if they are with a friend, but expecting them to remain inside is not. When there is a curfew, there can be fines if it isn't followed. No one wants fines. I wish there were a perfect solution. Every kid is different, do you think they would be satisfied with camping in the back yard in the future? For me, the idea of no parents listening to conversations, being able to make a little noise, (my parents got mad if laughing woke them) and feeling free was what made us want to sneak out.

[milkmommie]

Thanks!! That's such a good idea. I'm going to offer it to DS and see if he bites.
One of our problems is that we have little kids at our house and ds's friend does not. So, they can play video games (we don't have those at all), and swear, and be loud, and watch whatever they want on TV, etc at the other kid's house. I cannot seem to get an adult on the phone when I call there but I have met the boy and "seen" the house. He is a nice kid. But DS doesn't want to have his friend over here for the stated reasons. I guess our house is not a "fun" house by teenager standards.

Putting them outside in a big tent is a super idea.