WWYD: My SS17 is using alcohol and pot - Page 2

[flapjack]

I'd be seriously inclined to call the police now, whilst he is still underage. The scale indicates dealing, and this sounds like addiction.

I'd also suggest that your husband steps up to the plate a lot more, with solo time with his son. Taking him out for dinner, to the cinema, arranging dates and quality time. Time with one's child does not have to involve sitting in dad's front room being quiet whilst the toddler sleeps, and I do feel that a more inclusive atmosphere would be appropriate.

I'd strongly recommend that you read "Hold On To Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld, right now, this instant. It sounds like you, your DH, his stepmum and her new boyfriend need to work together to bring him safely home to you again.

[Buddhamom]

Sorry DH is wearing blinders. I know your hands are a bit tie since you are the step mom, but the best thing you can do now is to watch all your belongings and money. I have a feeling when he runs out he will get a bit desperate. Also, you need to think about your baby at your home and their safety. Perhaps you could put it to your DH in those terms. What would your DH say if you told him it is your house too and until your SS gets help, your SS is not welcome there? I think that is the direction I would be going in.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

It doesn't seem like there's a lot you can do with the custody arrangement.
If I was the mom of this young man I'd see it as a wake up call to the fact that I need to be around more. Pot on the coffee table, scales and a case of beer cans in his bedroom...this kid is doing some serious partying and possibly dealing while his mom is hanging out with her boyfriend.
Is there the possibility of making your home more teen friendly and making the offer for him to live with your family?
It seems to me, whichever family he lives with will have to change a bit to give him the supervision he needs and the atmosphere to feel he is a part of the family and not a visitor.

I agree.

I experimented with various things as a teen also and I came from a broken home. My dad ignored me and my mother worked constantly so I was left alone to hang with friends and do what I wanted. I know how the kid feels in a way. He needs more boundaries and rules but without being overbearing at the same time since he has been given so much freedom up until this point. Maybe he is addicted to alcohol/drugs and maybe he isn't but he needs more people in his life that care about him and want to help him.

[onlyAngil]

I have yet to read what other has said, and I think what other has said will have little effect on what it is that I am about to say...
1) CALM DOWN! It’s Pot, NOT heroin!
2) CALM DOWN! It’s Beer, NOT a hand gun!
3) CALM DOWN! Its sex, you have a kid, you know its fun!

He going to be 18, the last thing you need is a pissed off "adult" who thinks he knows it all in a fight with someone who (just by posting this I can see) cares about him (at least a little :-P).

Educate yourself, and him. Teach him not only the cons, but the pros too, along with the history, current state of affairs (there is a bill up right now dealing with pot), the different religious and philosophical views, as well as your personal feelings (e.i. not in front of the 3yo, doi!). Ask him why he does this or that. May be he feels better about himself, or enjoys life more if he is a little stoned, or had a drink or two. Sex, well I am sure we all know why he does that. You might try helping him find other things of help. This might be mediation, flower remedies, ext. or it might be talking with a counselor, or taking meds. Above all else though, if he is going to be doing these things, and really no matter what he is doing (it could be using a power tool), teach him how to create an environment that is copacetic to all involved, himself included. If you are planning on drinking beer, make sure you do not have something that you will need to go driving for. If one does, ether does not drink or have a parent or a friend drive. If you are going to smoke pot, do it away from kids, and other people who do not smoke, again do not drive, have food in the house. If you are going to be having sex, again not in front of kids, use protection and understand when one should be having or not having sex (Active “minor” STD, when the gf is fertile, ext.)
What you need to focus on here is not where he is or is not staying, or who fault, or how to get him help, but rather opening up the means of commutation and having him understand what is going on with himself, you, your DH, DHX, (his girlfriend,) ext. not only now but in the future, as well as the past if that plays a part.

[Buddhamom]

One thing did just come to mind. How old is the girlfriend? I ask because in our state if one of the parties having sex is 3 yrs or more older they can be arrested.

[quelindo]

Originally Posted by Buddhamom

One thing did just come to mind. How old is the girlfriend? I ask because in our state if one of the parties having sex is 3 yrs or more older they can be arrested.

She's a year older than he is, I think. She graduated last spring and while he'll be 18 next month he still has his senior year to go.

His mom confronted him and then argued with him about nit-picky details about when the pot was left on the coffee table . She told him that when she's gone he can either come with her to her boyfriend's, come to our house or stay with her parents (also about 25 minutes' drive away). He, of course, did not like any of those ideas.

But then she came up with the idea of having him spend the rest of the summer in northern Wisconsin with his great-uncle who lives up there. I guess this guy is a total straight-shooter/hard @ss type. Surprisingly, it sounds like SS17 would be willing to go as long as he's back in time for volleyball practice at the end of the month. So maybe part of him wants to get away from his friends and the whole lifestyle?

Also, my DH suggested to his ex that maybe this behavior is SS17's way of acting out some emotional needs, and she completely discounted that idea, saying it was just a 17-year old getting into trouble.

SS17 has always been a kid who seems totally unaffected by things. He was five when his parents split up, and while his older brother (seven at the time) totally acted up and yelled at his dad and had issues for years on and off (not a LOT, but a healthy amount, I guess) SS17 never did. He's always seemed a little flakey, like it takes him a while to catch on to a joke, but at the same time he's brilliant in school.

And in the past when he's copped an attitude with his mom he's told his dad that he's upset about how his mom treats his sister differently (letting her get away with way too much) and that it's not fair. So I really believe things DO affect him, but he may not even be able to articulate it.

Also, his mom showed him the information I dug up on the drug laws in our state, and of course he scoffed and said, "That's not how it works in [our city]." He knows it all.

We'll see how things go during the school year. It sounds like he still wants to do extracurricular sports, and he's supposed to be taking 2-3 math classes at the local university, so maybe being in a different environment and staying busy will turn his head around. And it does seem like on the nights he has a lot of schoolwork he doesn't mind staying with us, I guess because there are no distractions.

I really appreciate all the feedback. Like I said, it's frustrating for me because I'm not his mom, I don't see what's going on in the house, and I have no real authority beyond just giving DH my opinion. I do care about him and hope things turn around.