AP and Separation Anxiety

[KarmaJoy]

My kids just never went through this. I would love to chalk it up to AP or SAHMing but I know some AP/SAHM raised kids do go through it, too. But...do you think it is less? I am going to do a similar poll on a mainstream discussion board, not very scientific but I am curious to the differences. I know SAHM or working mom doesn't cover the whole spectrum but I guess I am just looking for whether your child was with you most of the time, or with a care provider. Just pick which fits you best.

[thefragile7393]

Ds so far is my only experience. Him and I have an odd relationship.....a turbulant pregnancy but somehow (without knowing his gender) I just knew it would be a sensitive child. And that he is. He's not high needs but he's sensitive and somewhat emotional like his mom. He had moderate separation anxiety as an older baby and after his first year....it was rough when I went back to work when he was 15 mo old. He did eventually adapt and as he's grown he's developed great independence. It started that he wasn't happy even with people he knew and slowly grew into feeling comfortable around people he knew. Being that way around people he didn't know....took longer....until he was almost 2 and even then that's been a challenge.

[katheek77]

DD has no/mild sep. anxiety.

However, really, I wouldn't attribute it to AP or SAHM...DH and I were both VERY independent babies who had no separation anxiety (no, really...I went on a two week vacation with my grandmother right before I turned three...and the only time I cried was when we had to go home. I remember the trip, and I loved it). I'm sure I will get flamed for this, but, she has spent long weekends with the grandparents, and spent 5 days with them when DH and I went on vacation last year. She's very attached to us, but also very outgoing and friendly. I joke that she's never met a stranger. I practice benign neglect (ie...I bring a book to "read" to the playground now that she can handle all the equipment, and I let her wander away on her own(it's in a large field, so, no traffic). I'm there if she needs me, but, she's also quite confident in her own abilities. At the same time, I've also never "forced" her to stay somewhere or go to someone if she didn't want to, though. Overall, I think it's much more just part of her personality rather than me SAH or APing her (I certainly wasn't AP'd, nor was my husband, and we both turned out independent).

Or maybe she's like that because she gets bored being around me all the time

[mammal_mama]

I voted that my girls both experienced moderate to severe separation anxiety. But the fact is, they never really "had" to experience it, because I wasn't in any hurry to separate from either of them. I was very happy keeping them with me wherever I was.

At around 1 1/2 years with our oldest, and at around 2 years with our youngest, dh started taking them by himself on little outings, either short walks or going to places close enough that they could come straight home if they wanted me.

And their happiness with doing stuff with Daddy, without me, gradually increased over time. By age 4, our oldest started enjoying going to some playdates without me or Daddy being with her. The other day, our youngest (age 3) happily spent some time in Sunday School without me. I usually go with her, but was running late getting ready so dh took the girls, and was near her room and listened in case she cried -- but she stayed happy.

We've just followed our girls' cues -- and like Katheek77, we've never forced separation on either of our girls.

[eepster]

I think this has more to do with personality than with parenting style. I would say that where parenting style comes in is how the child will feel later in life about it. Will the child feel that s/he can count on his/her mom to be gentle and caring when they are anxious, or will they feel that they need to "just toughen up." I believe that by helping DS through this time with as much gentleness as possible that it will help him grow into a happy , secure,, empathetic adult.

[heatherweh]

Originally Posted by eepster

I think this has more to do with personality than with parenting style. I would say that where parenting style comes in is how the child will feel later in life about it. Will the child feel that s/he can count on his/her mom to be gentle and caring when they are anxious, or will they feel that they need to "just toughen up." I believe that by helping DS through this time with as much gentleness as possible that it will help him grow into a happy , secure,, empathetic adult.

:

I struggle with this and couldn't define it as well as you have, but from what I've learned in 2 years SAHM with my son, it really is more their personality that one's parenting style. I have mama friends who parent in all sorts of different ways and their kids are all completely different too. Laid-back, good-natured babies who have very strict parents who let them CIO and use physical discipline; same sort of babies with AP folks. High-intensity, spirited babies with laid-back parents. Our son is very intense and DH and I are pretty easygoing, it has been hard for us!

[mammal_mama]

I do think attached, gentle parenting helps children feel more comfortable expressing their true feelings. If a child learns his feelings don't matter, what's going to happen is going to happen, and he has absolutely no say anyway, s/he's eventually going to "get used to" it. And possibly not express his/her feelings as openly and powerfully as a child who's used to being listened to.

Therefore I do think some (though certainly not all) attachment-parented children will come across as more clingy/fussy/demanding at certain stages. They know there's a point to putting those cues/complaints out there -- their parents are listening and ready to respond and help them.

Personality probably plays a big part in whether unattached, not-so-gentle parenting will cause the child problems later on. I realize that some who were left to cry-it-out to sleep, grow up into happy children and adults. So I'm sure the same can be said about some children who were forced to separate before they were ready.

[Azuralea]

I have done both SAH and WOH and DS never had any separation anxiety during either phase. It's just who he is. I guess I've never forced separation, but I don't actually know what it means to force separation.

[Llyra]

I am mostly SAH-- I work just 6 or 8 hours a week. And I have stayed home full-time a lot of the time since I had my kids. Anyway, it was different with all three. DD1 had almost no separation anxiety as a baby or young toddler, but she went through a rough patch of it at two years old and is still very reserved about unfamiliar situations and people. DD2 has a lot of separation anxiety; she has been known to shriek if a stranger so much as LOOKS at her, and she wont' go to anyone besides me, DH, or her grandmothers. DS seems to have almost none. He's jolly and friendly and he'd walk off with a stranger and never think twice about it. I think it's more temperament than anything I did or didn't do with them.

The twins had less of an AP babyhood than DD1 did, because there were two of them, but I think it was still well within the limits of what you'd call "AP."

[ann_of_loxley]

Ive voted for SAHM non - and working mum - some.

For the first 16 months of DS life I was a SAHM. He never had any seperation anxiety. Not a single drop! - He could be left with anyone and did not even notice I was gone - though was happy to see me again of course! Everyone was always amazed at how confident and independent he was! - So was I lol...

Then I started working on the weekends. DS was still home and still in familiar surroundings and still with someone he knew - of course! - his daddy! lol
I was only working 4 hours each day as well - 2 in the morning, a nice long lunch break and then 2 in the late afternoon.

But it did effect him. ...seperation anxiety kicked in....

He was starting to sleep half the night in his own bed in his own room. Now he needed me all night and I couldnt, still cant, leave until hes asleep. No longer an issue as it usually takes him seconds.

I could also no longer leave him with anyone...not even grandma.

However - he was fine when I went to work. He never called for me or reached out for me or anything. DH would drop me off and I would kiss DS and tell him goodbye and when I would see him again and he was fine with that. But the seperation anxiety showed in other ways - so it was mild.

Its been over a year now and the seperation anxiety is starting to slowly 'go away'. Hes fine with being left with grandma again but still needs me all night - though he is happy for daddy to put him to bed now instead of me.

If I didnt have to go to work for the money I wouldnt have. Though I am glad and thankful for the job that I do have as it works out best for our family - for having to work, I wouldnt have it any other way!

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Azuralea

I guess I've never forced separation, but I don't actually know what it means to force separation.

I can't speak for everyone else -- but to me it's forced when the child wants to be with the parent, but the parent forces the child to be with someone else.

By "wanting to be with the parent," I mean the child is showing distress about separating.

[savithny]

I only work part time, but I picked working/one of each

FWIW, with my first I had a longer maternity leave, and when I went back part time, DH was with him for the first year, instead of daycare.

Yet he had more separation anxiety. We really couldn't use the church or gym childcare rooms for long stretches with him.

Even today, though, he's more reserved than #2 - he takes longer to suss out situations, check out new people, to warm up to strangers. It's really just his personality.

[Azuralea]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I can't speak for everyone else -- but to me it's forced when the child wants to be with the parent, but the parent forces the child to be with someone else.

By "wanting to be with the parent," I mean the child is showing distress about separating.

Oh, then we've never forced separation. But my DS just didn't have anxiety. He's open to the world and literally has never met a person he didn't like. I didn't create that. It's who he is.

I think it's a personality thing. I've seen AP-raised children with SAHMs with horrible separation anxiety and kids of WOHMs who are just sunny little creatures who reach out to the world instinctively. I don't think you can easily generalize.

[LynnS6]

Our first had pretty severe separation anxiety - starting early (4 months), lasting late (4 years). I WOH. He was home with me the first 5 months, and home with dad the next 2 years. He was in daycare part time for the next 3 years before starting Kindergarten.

Our second had mild separation anxiety. She started daycare at 15 months and goes part time (she's 4). She has days where it's hard to separate, but nothing like the "deer in the headlights" look that ds would get.

I agree with eepster that it's how you work with the personality your child has. We moved very, very slowly with ds because we knew he needed a long time to warm up. Sometimes I need to remember that dd, while much more outgoing, deserves the same kind of time we gave to ds.

It took a long time, but we're definitely seeing a more confident kid these days. Last year, I was amazed that ds went off to first grade in a new school without needing any handholding. He got on the school bus, waved goodbye and didn't look back.

[Heavenly]

I've AP'd all my children since birth. My oldest has generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. My youngest has severe separation anxiety and is also being watching for the above disorders. I guess I'm not doing it right!

[honeybee]

Neither of my boys really had much separation anxiety as babies/toddlers, so I checked no. They were used to going out with dad or being home alone with dad as infants. Then, they would spend a couple of hours with my mom or MIL (I didn't pump with ds2, so only long enough between feedings) with both dh and I gone. So long as they were with someone they knew, they were fine.

Now, as a preschooler ds1 did have some anxiety. For some reason, transferring to the church preschool classroom from the nursery (right next door) was difficult, and sometimes he thought he was more ready for things than he really was (like staying at the Y's childcare center without mom or dad). I would call that more stranger anxiety, and his sensitivity to crowds/noise more than classic separation anxiety, though. His first week or two of preschool also took some adjustment.

Ds2 has had occasional bouts in the nursery as a toddler, when he didn't want to stay, or needed dh or I with him. So, one of us would stay until he's feeling comfortable with it again.

I really think it's a temperament thing, in which some parenting/environmental factors may play a part... but it certainly doesn't mean someone did/did not AP "right." I remember thinking when ds1 was a baby that he wasn't "attached" enough because he DIDN'T have the separation anxiety! I have since lost that worry!

Sometimes I wonder if birth experiences play a big role in this. Like, if there is a traumatic birth or major separation from mom, that may contribute to more intense/difficult separation anxiety later on? My brother had a huge amount of SO as a child... poor kid would scream for hours (my mom didn't have any choice but to work), but he also spent several days separated from her in a NICU as a newborn. She swears this was the "cause" of his SO. (She was home with him for the first 1.5 years of his life, so no daycare then).

[abomgardner417]

I voted sahm w/ no sep anx issues, but I also worked pt at one point and had no issues then either. And I wasn't AP because I hadn't learned about it until the boys were older.

[ChetMC]

We've Had No Significant Separation Anxiety

We've had no significant separation anxiety with either of our girls. I attribute this largely to their personalities, but partly to the fact that DH and I have been pretty balanced in terms of parenting (although he works and I'm mostly at home, the kids have always spent a lot of time with both of us, not just me), and the fact that both sets of grandparents are very involved and pretty AP.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I've AP'd all my children since birth. My oldest has generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. My youngest has severe separation anxiety and is also being watching for the above disorders. I guess I'm not doing it right!

I agree with honeybee that it doesn't mean you didn't do it "right!"

It's interesting to me that so many see it as a temperament-thing, wherein extraverted children supposedly don't have a problem separating. Both my girls are extraverted -- but neither has been ready to separate at an early age. Both are adventurous, they just prefer me or dh being nearby while they venture out.

Maybe it's more of an intense versus laid-back thing, at least in some cases. I would say that both my girls are pretty intense emotionally -- and very sensitive.

[Azuralea]

Originally Posted by honeybee

I really think it's a temperament thing, in which some parenting/environmental factors may play a part... but it certainly doesn't mean someone did/did not AP "right." I remember thinking when ds1 was a baby that he wasn't "attached" enough because he DIDN'T have the separation anxiety! I have since lost that worry!

Separation anxiety certainly doesn't happen because somebody didn't "AP right." Actually I think it's ideas like that (AP causes less separation anxiety) which turn people off of AP.

Honeybee, I had the exact same worry with DS! I was worried he somehow wasn't attached because he had no separation anxiety! I am also over that.

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

It's interesting to me that so many see it as a temperament-thing, wherein extraverted children supposedly don't have a problem separating. Both my girls are extraverted -- but neither has been ready to separate at an early age. Both are adventurous, they just prefer me or dh being nearby while they venture out.

Maybe it's more of an intense versus laid-back thing, at least in some cases. I would say that both my girls are pretty intense emotionally -- and very sensitive.

I would say DS is very, very sensitive (so much so that it worries me), so that part doesn't hold true for us. But he's also laid-back and an extravert, and had/has no separation anxiety.

I really think separation anxiety is something that just "is." Some kids have it, some kids don't, and you work with what you get.