Tired of negotiating with my 15 yr old HELP - Page 2

[Pinion67]

My 15 year old tries the negotiation route but i make the costs INCREDIBLY high - if she wants to have a friend over on a night i wasnt expecting company she as to have all areas of the house she and her friend will be in clean and she can expect no help from her sibs as it is not teir guests or responsibilty. Also since she is cutting into er quality time with them and in all likelihood entertaining in the family room to their exclusion . She has to contract activities with each sib ( a tea party for her sisters, a game of chess wit her brother and a walk around the big block with the baby) - if she tries to pull the price down - it goes up. This allows her te opportunity for a special even without leaving ard feelings for evewryone she imposes on.
This does not cut down on the daily attempts to procrastinate housejhold chores but she is learning ( and it has been a slllllllllooooooooooooooooowwww learning process) that the cost of not fulfilling her oblkigations to the home and family is tremendously higher than meeting them . Last night she wanted a friend over and i made the "clean the dining/living/bat/ your room" offer - she procrastinated at first because her friend wasnt due til 9 - at 815 i called out to her (from the kitchen) " if your friend gets here before those things get done - you will miss your library volunteer time tomorrow " this is very important to her because her whole group of friends including "he is like totally " guy . She called back- "i just plugged in the vacuum and wiped off the table" - that is a big improvement.
I dont have a 15 year old angel- i am a little jealous - actually a lot. And i try hard to explain to my daughter how these tasks and keeping er prom,ises/fulfilling her responsibilities will have a long term impact on her life - mainly tat anything important to you and wort aving is worth working for and tat the people in your life deserve to be given as much as they give.
Sometimes she says she hates me and thats okay too- i would love to be her friend and sometimes we are friendly , but I am her mom first . Its not about how she feels about me , its about how she feels about herself and that requires respect for both of us if i am going to help her on er way to fulfilling her potential.

The weekday sleepovers are a definite no in our house except for summer exceptions. Weekdays are homework, usually sports practice or dance classes for one kid, family dinner (at the table no TV) , early to bed . I dont expect other parents to have the same scedules or rules and 2 teenage girls does not = responsible thinking unless they are in a bare room studying for SATS to the sound of Montavani :-) Just like "real people" ( ie: grownups) i like my children to understand the week days are for work and family and weekends are for play- sometimes with friends sometimes with family. I dont go out weeknights either.

Heck lets face it I havent been out since the last Bush Sr was in office!

[crunchymomofmany]

No is very easy to say. It's quick and to the point. I used to engage in this negotiating type of $@%^! when my oldest was 13-15. And then I learned. It just gets worse. My 15yo dd is trying it now and I won't have any of it! She wanted to go to a party (I've already heard about this party) tonight - I said, "No way." She hates me right now - but I don't care.

To be fair, though, I do choose my battles. I don't make a fuss about grades (unless it's really bad) and I don't care about rooms so long as the only thing growing in them is children!

I also offer to drive kids places (movies, etc.) and our house is always open for a little campfire and a sleepover. But there are somethings I will not tolerate anymore. And no, is my new favorite word! It works brilliantly.

So does walking away from an argumentative teen. Without a forum, they are only left to run up to their room and sulk.

Quick story: I know a dad of two teen girls who took their doors off their hinges! He gave them curtains to put up - said to them "Go ahead, slam that!" All they get now is big "Whoosh!"

Good luck to all!

[Surfacing]

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[velcromom]

My seventeen year old has gone back to trying to badger me into things recently. I had taught him not to nag me a long time ago but as I am finding out, the teenage thing is a whole new ballgame, lol.

I don't say no right away, if at all possible. Or if I have to say no, I say it with a soft touch. Really, a teen's ego is so ... you know... big, yet fragile... that a little empathy goes a long way. So I find something to admire or appreciate about his thoughts or ideas and make sure he knows the parts of it I do like, then I give a short explanation of why I can't do what he is asking, with a request back to him to come up with an alternative. I want a discussion not a debate.

If it's not an automatic no, I listen to the request and say, I'll think that over and talk to dad, and the two of us will get back to you. (even if I'm pretty sure it's not going to come out a yes) I then talk it over with my dh and make sure we are on the same page. (who will be good cop, who will be bad cop - j/k)

If we have concerns/need more info we let ds know and give him an opportunity to inform us. This is not a chance to nag or whine but a discussion. He may have to find out more and come back to tell us about it. He wants to be treated as an adult so as long as he communicates we will continue. If he breaks down into whining or nagging or getting angry, we stop and that discussion is over for the moment. Maybe for good.

[Labbemama]

LOL my 15 y.o. has learned how to voice her concern to her dad and then have him plead her case.

I give things some consideration but if they haven't kept their end of the deal then heck no, I don't budge. If you give in you reinforce the negative bx. If they do have a good point and they have asked in a respectful way then I think it's totally ok to say you know I've reconsidered and I will allow it because.

It's also ok to say let me think about it and I'll let you know what I decide. Variation-let me talk to your dad first...etc. My kids know I will check up on them.

I think it's normal to want your way. What's important here is teaching how adults solve their problems.

I met a mom yesterday who said the one thing she took from Love N Logic class was "I love you too much to argue with you." I kind of like that one. She says her dd hated hearing it at first but learned to accept it. I'm gonna try it and see how that works.

We don't argue much and the times they do argue it's because I've had to break my word for some reason. Like I said we'd go to the gym or pool and I come home dog-tired and try to post pone it and then they start to whine.

My older dd went thru a phase but has emerged a fairly reasonable person and now my youngest is in a whiney kind of phase. But she is learning to accept "go to your room" come out when you can regain emotional control and talk to me.

I was too much of a softie in the beginning and now I think I'm more middle of the road but they would probably say different. LOL