Oh Holly. I could have written your post.
I would be the happiest girl in the world if I never had to think about sex again. It hurts, I tense up during intercourse, it makes me self concious, for the first year of our marriage I cried every time I had sex. It was horrible. I'm not religious but in a household that NEVER EVER discussed sex, I am not comfortable with xxx, we avoid all things oral for me at least because I was *blessed* with some lovely's by one of my partners, I have panic attacks at the thought and idea of pleasuring my partner because it's one of the things that the guy who raped me made me do.
Sigh. THAT was TMI.
But in all seriousness, some of the things that have made things better -Seeing a counselour
. I was able to talk very openly about what happened with the rape. I think that's important to anyone with a history of any kind of abuse.Scheduling sex
. I know, I know. So romantic. But, if you know before hand for days even weeks that you are going to have sex, you will be thinking about it. And mentally prepping for it. It's like atheletes that need to 'get in the zone' so to speak. So, while doing the dishes, knowing full well that you are going to have sex that night, let your mind wander to what it's gonna be like
Now that we are working on our problems, I don't TELL my husband when I have scheduled sex. So it's a surprise for him, but not for me
And with that in mind....Ask him to let you be the intiator
. Take back your feeling of control with this step. YOU ask HIM. It makes it easier when it was YOUR idea. That means you are going to have to get yourself into a place that's okay to do that. And during the big deed....RELAX
. I know. Easier said then done right? But, for me, during the ... well...penetration part of sex, I always ALWAYS tense myself up tight. It's not a space issue. It's in my head. So, I always have my DP ease in REALLY slowly, and I breathe and focus only on relaxing those muscles. And, after doing that for the duration of a few....well anyways, let's just say it usually gets much better after that.
That's all I got.
But, you are not alone, you are not weird, and you can work on this. My DP and I average sex twice a year unless it's a babymaking year. And remember the MORE often you have sex the easier it gets. If it's been to long it will be harder to get back in the saddle. So to speak.