Lesbians raising boys... - Page 2

[kjm]

hey MMM et all

just wanted to chime in here, In preparation of the statistical likely hood of having a boy--I just finished "The will to change" by bell hooks
a little repetitive, and only a few slight nods to queerness, but I found it an interesting perspective overall.

[megan sacha]

We've been plagued with these kinds of comments from DW's family and it's so, so annoying. It's so bad that our DS actually has LESS exposure to "male role models" because we don't want him around my FIL too much because of his pushy "modeling". We too want him to have exposure to all kinds of people so he can be himself without pressure.

[elismum1908]

i don't really have an answer but i do have a son. he is the most amazing little guy. i secretly wanted a girl and we did not find out the sex until he was born. the minute i met him on the outside, i was in love, and that love grows deeper everyday. congrats on your little guy!

[NZmumof2]

We have two boys and a girl. We've fielded lots of dumb comments about role models for the boys. It was never going to be an issue given that my father and 3 brothers live within blocks of us and my dad especially sees the kids more or less daily. But I also think it is unimportant, we'll be travelling and likely without many male role models over the next couple of years and I think our kids will grow with our loving guidance regardless.

We never found out the biological sex during pregnancy, in fact I wore a t-shirt that said "Is it a boy or a girl? Yes". When people asked we'd say, "Gosh, that's a big decision, we think we'll let the child decide at about 18 years of age". Way to silence already freaked out straight people! I have a great relationship with my mum and am the eldest child and a girl so I felt like our first would be a girl. He was born early and I was unconscious and when I did wake up all I cared about was that the kid was alive and doing ok. My partner wanted sons because she doesn't like catty girl behaviour. We've never looked back and went into this last pregnancy totally expecting to wind up with 3 boys. At 6.5 months I can't say parenting a girl is any different but we'll see how it pans out in teenage times...

[Sarah-Tina]

We have a son and I worry people will think this but no one has said it yet. We have a lot of male family members and some male friends. I'm glad to know of the book mentioned earlier and plan to check it out.

If anything, my side of the family (mom, namely) is pretty anti man. So sometimes I worry that that will come through and thet our little e will hear that men are bad and can;t be trusted. ( mo was left by dad after 32 years of wedded unbliss...but has always slammed men in very graphic verbally abusive ways).

We plan to limit ds contact with this side as it's not a healthy limb of the family tree.

[indigoscot]

we have a son and i think only one person has made a negative comment - it was a sub teacher at his daycare who asked dp how it was working out with 2 women raising him. dp just looked at her and said like a normal 2 parent family!! the sub coordinator overheard the conversation and that teacher doesn't sub at his daycare any more.

our son has enough male role models - and plenty more once he's old enough to start playing sports. he is ALL boy too, full of energy, throwing his toys around to hear them bang, etc...etc... i wouldn't worry about it.

g

[alienwhistler]

i have always wondered why people think that boys need men in their lives but girls don't. i want to expose my daughter to great, loving sensitive men because i want her to know that they are out there if she winds up being straight.

i also would point out that there are men out there that you may not even know yet that can be part of your kids' lives- father's of their friends, teachers... they will turn up in your life and you will go out of your way to make the connection.

[Chancita]

Baby boy woes

Hello...
Congratulations first on having a healthy pregnancy - that's great news!

My partner and I have a five year old girl (who we did not find out the gender of before birth) and a 1.5 year old boy (whose male parts were unavoidable on a late-term ultrasound).

With dd, people would ask us when I was pregnant about "what we would do if it was a boy." Depending on who was asking, I had a number of responses to this question. Pretty much we had already answered all of these with my daughter, but when we found out for sure that we were having a boy, there were a few more who trickled down.

*There is a difference between boys needing male role models as they grow and develop and needing a "dad". Our children will never have a father; they have a sperm donor, a mami and a papi. My own father died while I was young. There was nothing I or my mom could do to control those circumstances and while I was a girl, I found my own male role models as I got older. None of them were my dad. If our children "need" men in their lives, then how about all the kids of divorced parents who live with their moms?

*Children need positive role models of both sexes, regardless of what sex they are. Role models are available every where in our lives if we choose to see them. Positive is a key word here. You cannot guarantee your children positive role models except in yourself. Honestly, I would be hard-pressed to come up with a list of men that I find so admirable that I would want them to present them to my son as role models; the kind of man I would like him to be.

*We interviewed a (female) pediatrician who was concerned that if we had a boy, he would need a male to talk to about masturbation and peeing. I thanked her for her time and told her that if I wasn't comfortable talking about masturbation and peeing, I shouldn't be applying for the job of parent.

*It's OK to say that you'll cross that bridge when you come to it and state that you have many wonderful people in your life to support you and your family. I also like the suggestion of asking the men in your family to step up to the plate.

On another note, I did have some grieving when my intuition about having a boy was confirmed. After hearing everything that people had said to me about me personally having a boy, about lesbians having boys, etc... I was a little scared. I do take it on as a challenge. I think that in our culture, it is now easier to teach girls to be strong and self-assured and that the real change will come about when we teach boys to be emotionally confident and communicative, gentle and self-assured without chauvanism. I also know that I love my son and that I am excited to see him grow into a man who goes out into the world with conscious eyes and a sensitive soul, just as his sister will.

Good Luck & Best Wishes,
Chance

[TexasTomboy]

Originally Posted by Karrie42

People automatically assume 'male role model' means a masculine male person. I usually tell people we want our son to have several different models of 'maleness' in his life. He will have relationships with masculine men, feminine men, masculine women, feminine women and lots of wonderful intermixes of all of the above! With all of these examples, he is bound to find a reflection of gender and sexuality that 'fits' the person he is becoming.

Amen, sister.

My kid will grow up surrounded by whole truck-load of queers. And if that means it's difficult for him/her/hir to come to grips with gender roles, fantastic. What's so bloody fantastic about gender roles anyway? A bunch of half-baked, noxious, divide-and-conquer, caca!

Gender is tricky for everyone to negotiate. Why raise a kid in the same "blue and pink","barbie and ken" hegemonic straight jacket we grew up in, so he can grow up confused and disillusioned.

I have heard that thrown about by my guys friends (and fantastic role-models they're going to make-oy vey!). But the research is all done by men. Probably insecure men who are already out there trying to find evidence to support their hypothesis which were built on dodgy grounds in the first place.

[TexasTomboy]

Originally Posted by alienwhistler

i have always wondered why people think that boys need men in their lives but girls don't.

Amen sister.

And all these people wringing their hands about lesbians or single moms and their children's lack of male role models (oh horror!), but what do you hear of boys and girls raised by single men (it happens) or gay gouples and their lack of female role models? ::crickets chirping::

What a load of baloney!

Besides my son or daughter has a male role model. Me.

So take that , heterocentric poopooheads.

[moonmama22]

We had some of those questions early on - mostly from my family unfortunately. We weren't too worried about it, because my dp's BIL is very involved with ds, my father watches him a couple times a week, etc... BUT, my father lately has made comments (regarding our parenting as well as other topics I don't agree with him on) that makes me want him to stop spending so much time there. Ds started asking when he started school about his daddy, and has stated on occasion that he wants one. This really upsets dp, and myself at first, but in all fairness, one of his friends has said several times that he wishes he had two mommies!!! I am a firm believer in "it takes a village..." because I think he can gain so many good qualities from so many of our friends and family. We have more straight friends than gay, but have friends who are single parents, who have biracial children, who have adopted children, etc... so he is exposed to all kinds of families. However, there are plenty of straight single women who raise wonderful boys on their own, so I don't think there should be any difference! If anything, we are more conscious of it...