Support for NIP needed

[jackson's mama]

I'm having a tough time with NIP.

First of all, ds is distracted easily. He's quite the looky-lou these days. The breeze on my naked nipple as he checks out the surroundings is cold . I'm getting better at the quick tug-down of the shirt when he delatches. I think if this was the only problem I could deal if I just had a little bit of support from the people around me.

I'm very sensitive to the feelings of others. I don't think this is a bad thing, its just who I am. I can pick up on when people are feeling certain things, and its hard for me to ignore those feelings once I'm aware of them.

DH seems very uncomfortable with NIP. He doesn't say much, but heck, I was sitting in our house in front of a window one day, and he CLOSED THE BLINDS because I started nursing! I did stand up for myself that time, and said, "I will nurse in my own house, in front of a window if I choose, thank you very much!" He got defensive because I called him out :.

When ds and I are out with family (DH, mom, sister) and I start to nurse, I can just FEEL their discomfort. Usually they don't say anything, but their actions are loud and clear - the furtive gazing around the room to see if anyone else is watching me, the avoiding eye contact with me while nursing, the conversation immediately dropping off into silence. I sit there and try to get let-down going while feeling supremely uncomfortable, not because of the strangers around me but because of my own family!

Most recently we were at dinner for my birthday. Jackson got fussy and I went to nurse him. We all know that the most discreet way to nurse is to just lift the shirt and go, right? Noooo, my DH and my sister HOLD A BLANKET up in front of me while we latch. Then, when ds wants to look around, DH suggests to me that I keep the blanket over his head! After I was done nursing, my sister - who has 2 kids of her own, but only bf for 2 months with each - tells me that I should bring a bottle with us when we go out. I can see her point, that it would be less uncomfortable for everyone (except ds!), but there is no way that I would defrost a precious bag of EBM every time I left the house! (She's also pushed me to start formula so I could have more "freedom" : but that's another story)

When we're out with DH's family I don't even try to NIP. I went to the car to nurse last time we went out to eat. I just didn't want to deal with it. I actually enjoyed the opportunity to get a few minutes away from them .

I get so frustrated when I read all the pro-NIP on this board, because I can't seem to just whip it out in public without feeling like I'm making the whole world uncomfortable. Do I need to talk to them about their support and behavior? Do I just grit my teeth and hope that they'll get used to it the longer I nurse? DH is already 7 months old, and I think the fact that he's not a "baby" makes them feel even more distressed. Part of what bothers me the most is that their reaction is making me self-conscious about NIP anywhere now. I really hate to make people feel uncomfortable, and personally find it easier (and more pleasurable) to find a private corner to nurse in rather than just "suck it up and do it for the sake of breastfeeding moms everywhere".

Thoughts? Good wishes? Advice?

[cat_astrophe]

I am sorry that you don't have the support you need, my DH isn't comfortable with NIP, either, but he knows better than to tell me to cover up....

First, you need to be comfortable. The baby will know if you are tense, and it just isn't good for you to be uptight. If being comfortable for you means going to the car, then that's what you have to do. You are BFing for the benefit of your baby, not the rest of the world.

However, you might consider a good baby carrier that lets you look down into it and see the baby, while shielding him from the rest of the world. It would help him focus on the task at hand, and probably make you and your family more comfortable without you having to go to the car. I got a good carrier online that goes over both shoulders and around my waist and it is absolutely beautiful. It helps to use it at home for a while until you get the hang of it before you try it in public.

Good luck to you, and give yourself a pat on the back for nursing no matter where you do it.

[jessc79]

Have you tried nursing in a sling or nursing wear? I only have one nursing shirt but I use it when I am going to the in-laws or out to dinner with my sister or something.

[wombat]

I get so frustrated when I read all the pro-NIP on this board, because I can't seem to just whip it out in public without feeling like I'm making the whole world uncomfortable.

I can sympathise. I used to feel like I was letting down 'the team" when I couldn't get NIP to work for us, but NIP when dd was so distractible and couldn't latch well and would pop on and off, on and off... was letting her down and sometimes a quiet nursing area or lounge was more appropriate.

Just do what works for you. As for not wanting others to be uncomfortable - if you're confident and comfortable - that'll go a long way to helping them feel more comfortable. Also think of something you may have not been comfortable with in the past but you changed your mind about after some exposure. I think NIP can be like that.
How about taking some baby steps and going to a place you know well and are comfortable at and trying to nurse there. Once you get comfortable doing it, and you will then you might feel more confident in front of relatives. I find just focusing on the baby and ignoring everyone helps. And remembering my number one priority is my baby, not other people's misguided feelings.

My ILs seemed a bit freaked at first but now it's just part of the norm. I wasn't really confident of NIP til dd was about 5 mo old. I found nursing shirts a real help cause I constantly had to watch dd's latch at the start and the nursing shirts made this easier. Plus they're a lot less attention grabbing than someone holding a blanket.

Anyone suggesting that I carry a bottle of expressed milk for such occasions will get a long lecture from me on the financial and time costs involved, the discomfort and the whole process involved with doing this. I don't think most people understand this plus the milk deteriorates as soon as its pumped so why would you do that when it's available on tap.

[babybugmama]

I hear that you are very sensitive to others and can sense their thoughts/feelings easily. I am also like this and at times I am grateful for it and others, well I wish I weren't so "empathic." But, here's what I did to help myself with NIP (to the point where I don't even think about it now): I started thinking about it in terms of dd and what she thought/felt and I guess I got a little of an "attitude," not a snotty mean person attitude, just enough to give me courage. I also reminded myself that I and my dd have to right to eat wherever we please. I don't know if that helps or not, I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. I just know that for me it was a shift in thinking. I was aware that sometimes I may make others uncomfortable, but hey growth never occurs without some discomfort right?

HTH - Kathleen

[captain optimism]

My baby is distractible, too. Well, he's finally starting to get over it, but it was big pain to try to nurse him when he was hungry if there was anything at all happening in the room. So I nursed in private, or as private as I could get short of a bathroom. (no bathrooms, ick.)

My dh rolled down the blinds, too.

My mom wanted me to use a receiving blanket over the baby to nurse, because she saw some suave Orthodox Jewish ladies do it. I guess if you start out nursing that way and do it all the time, the baby gets used to it? But neither I nor my baby am that suave. when he was new born I used to want to check his latch visually, and I would have to stick my head under the blanket. then we got the hang of the latch, but he was really into the blanket and would snatch it down! After awhile I realized that no one was going to be uncomfortable as long as I wasn't. So it got easier.

The most modest nursing gear for me were some nursing shirts from Expressiva that were anyway pretty cute.

Anyway, your relatives. If they were my relatives, I would probably make a joke like, "Hey, could ya please act natural? You're making the baby nervous!"

[jeca]

This may sound imsensitive adn I apologize ahead of time if it is but that is not my intent. That being said, I do not consider mothers who NIP just "whipping it out". I have yet to see someone indisctretly NIP. I hate that term"whipping it out" as if we are just exposing ourbreasts for the world to see, Mothers who are able to NIP, IMO are just more comfortable with nursing, tehir bodies, their babies, etc. More comfortable with tehir babies as in don't mind that they have an active nurser and deal with the"drama" taht comes along with it(like cold nippples and an ocasional flash).
I'm not sure that there's anything that can be said to sway you to be comfortable NIP, the *possibility* of hurting someone feelings will always be there but in the same sense you may also make a new mom more comfortable nIP by seeing you do it. You may advocate BF to pregnant moms by seeing you do it. Yes you may make someone uncomfortable but you may also do alot of good as a BF advocate. Anytime your doing something uncomfortable to you it feels as if the whole world is watching, you know!
As far as your family goes, I've found that just time and getting used to it is the only key.

[phathui5]

I used a baby blanket when I was nursing #1 in public until he was maybe 3-4 months old. Then it just got to be too much of a hassle. After that we just nursed whenever and wherever he was hungry. In the past three years, I've only had two people say something to me about it.

Here are two articles from Mothering magazine about NIP:
"Have breasts, will travel: Nursing discreetly in public"
http://www.mothering.com/12-0-0/html...s-travel.shtml
"The Indiscreet Breastfeeder's Manifesto"
http://www.mothering.com/12-0-0/html...l-brazen.shtml

[merpk]

It's hard to get used to ... but it's doable ...

First, practice in front of a mirror. See how exposed you really are (if that's an issue) when the baby goes for his "check out the world" break. You may find it's not an issue, or less than you thought.

Also, try nursing in a sling. Have found that it covers all sorts of things, including the baby's peripheral vision ... which helps eliminate baby's distractions ...

Also ... when nursing an easily distractible little one, I keep a hand holding the shirt right at the baby's face, so if s/he tries to push my shirt up or away I'm holding it in position. And if baby pushes away, or tries the "let's see how far I can stretch her breast today" trick, my hand is in position to break the latch with a finger or to pull my shirt down, whatever's necessary, to make sure I'm not uncovered ... and I do prefer to be covered.



Takes practice and time. Once you're more comfortable, your DH and family will be, too.

At the beginning with my first I wouldn't nurse in front of anyone but my mother and husband. Now ... :LOL I've actually marched in a parade down Fifth Avenue in NYC while nursing a baby for ten blocks of it ... and very discreetly, too, I might add ... :LOL

[Mallory]

Although I think it is fine to go to your car if that is really what you want, I don't think you should make parenting decisions because someone other then you or your child (okay maybe dh ) will be uncomfortable.

There will be many times in your child's life where he will need your support and help and other people will feel uncomfortable or angry because of your actions. About the foods you let him eat or not eat, about the t.v shows he can watch, confronting one of his friends parents if you heard he rode in a car with out a car seat or saw a gun or they were left home alone, confronting a teacher about bullying or punishments, and on and on.

If you really think that nursing when he needs to is important for your child then do it. If you need to sit in the back of the booth or find somewhere quiter for you or your child then do that, but don't let others feelings stop you from doing what is best for your child.

[DaryLLL]

Just wanted to point out this: you can't make anyone feel anything. Their feelings are their feelings and they are responsible for them, you are not.

You do something (feed your baby) that is natural and healthy in so many countless ways. You may or may not show a flash of nipple. In this sexed up culture, so what? Everybody has everything hanging out all the time, legs, cleavage, butt cracks, pants down to below the shaved pubic line, bra and thong straps proudly displayed, bellybuttons accentuated with piercings!

Let's just put this oh-so-embarrassing breast display in perspective please!

You look like a serene (well if not serene, at least loving and nurturing) Madonna, that is bad? The others look like sluts and man-whores, that is fine? Hello?

So, you do what you and your normal baby need and want to do. The family can just get over themselves, or you can spend less time with them and let them know why.

If they don't want to watch you nurse, they can read this to avoid looking at you:

http://www.promom.org/101/

[callmemama]

Wow, lot's of great posts. Jackson's Mama, I just wanted to share my story. When ds was less than a month old, we were eating dinner (at home in a room at the BACK of the house) and I was breastfeeding the baby and dh got all distressed that someone might see us nursing!! LOL He's come a long way and is now very supportive of nursing our almost-4yo However, I put the breaks on NIP somewhere in the two's, mainly because I was concerned about the possibility of receiving negative comments that ds could understand. Prior to then, I learned to be fairly comfortable NIP in front of strangers. I agree that disapproving family can be the hardest Good luck!

[Meiri]

The way I dealt with DH's being uncomfortable with NIP was to go sit somewhere else. While he looked at books or CD's or whatever, I would go to the part of the store that had furniture or to a bench in the main hall of the mall.... That way his discomfort vibes didn't make me uncomfortable or call negative attention to our nursing.

I've never had a comment made to my face about nursing a toddler or older child in public, and seeing a mom NIP around here is a fairly rare thing IME. DS stopped asking in public a bit before he turned 3. DD went longer, and might still ask at church, though she's getting more comfortable there, so I doubt she will be asking in the future.

For staying a bit more covered as per my comfort level, I learned to reach up under my shirt to release a breast. Then I learned to pull my shirt Out rather than Up. Child can then see her target but passing adults would have to get on the floor (and thus in foot range?) if they wanted an eyefull.....:LOL And thus I was not hiding what I was doing, but neither was I flashing the world.

[mama_kass]

If someone has a problem with NIP they are the ones with the problem not you. So if someone gives you a look, comment, ect just remember that. I noticed that you live in the San Francisco Bay Area. You should REALLY have a lot of support out there. That area is so laid back. Plus, there is obviously a strong breast feeding community there since they set the world record in Berkley.

Maybe you would feel more comfortable using a sling? I know it has already been mentioned but it really is a great tool.

At 7 months NIP was impossible for us. DS was far too excited about being in a different place other than home. I have no problems NIP, but he still does. Sometimes he's happy to NIP, but most of the time I have to find a quiet place so that he can nurse comfortably without distractions. He also does not want to nurse if we have guests at our home. Again, I think this has to do with the excitement of something being new as we have guests rarely.

Just keep working with it! The more you NIP the easier it is. Also, find your support. Let DH know he is your #1 support. You have support here. Who else supports you?

[jackson's mama]

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful responses! I haven't had time to read all the links provided, but I will do so as soon as I have more than 10 minutes at the computer.

Many suggestions for nursing shirts. I have tried a couple, and always felt like I was making a bigger scene ( )by trying to struggle with flaps and slots and such, and also felt like I showed more of my breast in those shirts than when I just lifted my shirt. Maybe I just bought the wrong kind. The idea of nursing with a nursing top on in a sling sounds like a lot of coverage, I'll try that.

I need to practice more with the sling - we spend most of our sling time in the hip carry, and I'm not very adept at switching positions mid-sling. Need to work on that.

To be honest, I have less of a problem NIP while DS and I are alone than when with family. I feel MORE comfortable when I can just do my own thing and not have to deal with someone right in my face and their feelings. Maybe the key is to spend less time with family (just kiddin').

Some things I wanted to comment on:

Babybugmama - your suggestion of making a conscious chance in attitude is very helpful. I will try that.

captain optimism - I will be using your comment about making the baby nervous! I don't think my relatives have any idea they are making ME and JACKSON uncomfortable, they're just thinking about everyone else. If I make a point about who's needs are really important, it may change things A LOT. Thank you!

jeca - yes, your post did sound insensitive to me. I did not mean to offend anyone with my use of the term "whip it out", I merely meant that it can be a fast process without a lot of forethought or afterthought. And I take offense to your implication that I am less comfortable with my child because I have trouble NIP.

Big thank you to everyone who could understand and/or sympathize where I was coming from with this post. It made me feel good to realize that not everyone on this board felt like I was doing a disservice to the world by choosing not to NIP for my (and thus my child's) comfort.

I truly appreciate all the suggestions to help make me feel more confident nursing in front of family, because that simple thing will probably change the dynamic substantially. I'm not any good at the sarcastic comments with my family, so your non-confrontational approaches are very helpful to me. Jackson and I thank you .

[jeca]

HMM, I think maybe you need to reread my post cause I *think* I made alot of the same comments as everyone else minus the whole "whipping it out" paragraph. I NEVEr suggested that you were uncomfortable with your baby juts with his stage at being a distracted nurser. And some mothers are more comfortable nursing in public than others so I don't think that sentance was too out of whack afterall isn't that what your post was about.

BTW, you didn't offend me I was just trying to make you see how that particular phrase"whipping it out" sounds, it sound sa little insensitive to me to those who have no trouble NIP. Probably not as insensitive as the first part of my comment though, so maybe we can call it even with a small apology on my part for making you feel as though I was not being supportive I get the feeling that that comment was thrown directly at me!(where's the duck and cover smiley?)I will always try to support a BFing mom.

It is hard to get used to for some people but the more you do it the more comfortable you will feel about it.

[babybugmama]

Jackson's mama -

I had another thought after re-reading your original post. I thought about when I latch dd on and I realized often times I will turn my back to people or go to a quiet place to get her latched and then join the populace once she's on. So I don't know if I'm being hypocritical saying I NIP, I do, but perhaps I tend to do a more private Latch IP .

That said, I'm also not really a confrontational type. I think the most confrontive I've been was one time when my dad made some comment about my parenting (fairly innocuous, since I can't even remember it), but I smiled and responded, "that's the cool thing about being the parent, I get to decide." He responded really cool too, just did kind of an ah-ha smile and nodded.

[MissinNYC]

Hey D, I can only NIP when I use the Hip carry. I use the Hip Hammock, and I slide her to the front (can also use the Maya for this) and either unbutton my shirt and tuck her inside, put her whole head under my shirt, or pull my breast out of the top of my shirt. She can latch sitting up (he may not be old enough to do this yet, give it a try). I used to do this around the house to get used to it, and then when we got profficient we did it in public.
I know what you mean about NIP. I personally feel that it is very important to do, but I have felt my share of discomfort arounf certain people. If I were you, I might have a discussion abotu it with the fam, maybe talk to them about the benefits of what you are doing (milk the fact that you are a nurse!) and why it is important to you to have support. Tell them they don't have to agree, but that you need them to treat you and your son with respect by respecting your opinions and decisions, and that you would appreciate their help. Make BFing into a team effort and tell them that this is how they can help your son's health. This helped my mom.

[jackson's mama]

nak

jeca - truce . I'm a bit sensitive about this, and I know that there's a huge population of lactivists here that feel its a nursing mom's duty to NIP as a show of support for breastfeeding. I don't deny the importance of that, and I sometimes wish that I was one of the women who could proudly nurse anywhere and everywhere without a care in the world. Maybe someday I'll be able to.

Hey Sara! I didn't realize it was possible to nurse in the hip carry... I'll have to practice that.

[jeca]

Truce Taken.

I am also a little sensitive when it comes to people talking about NIP. I don't know why but lately people have been making alot of comments to me about how everyone's not comfortable "whipping it out like me" and how I shouldn't just "whip it out" because it makes people uncomfortable and I guess it bothers me cause I don't expose myself like that comment suggests you know. At least I don't *think* I do. Dh says the most you see is my tummy so he doesn't see the problem with it.he's great about NIP and that really does help. See if you can get Dh on your side about this it will make alot of differance in teh way you feel.