rural families, higher education and teens - Page 2

[lindberg99]

What will you do if you move and then none of your kids want to go to the college(s) you live near? Or what if they want to go there but want to live on campus, even if they have to pay for it themselves? Or what if one wins a scholarship to a school in another state? Or what if your kids don't want to go to college at all? Will you regret the move??

I agree with the LynneS6. I would move for the reasons she mentioned. Not for something that may or may not happen 6+ years from now.

I went to a huge commuter univ. for 1.5 years. I lived there (only about 40 min from my parents) but never liked the school. It was so hard to get together with people because they were always leaving! I transferred to a smaller school about 4 hours away and loved it.

[kathymuggle]

You all are right. So many unknowns. I was just wonderring how people dealt with this issue.

Thanks for the input!

Kathy

[wombatclay]

I would move if there was a pressing immediate reason... but basing such a large financial/social/family decision on a "maybe" (and not just one maybe, but several maybes stacked back to back) doesn't seem reasonable.

And it could create a really tough situation for your eldest. Growing up, my family always assumed that my brother and I would attend a certain university. It was nearby, we could live at home, it had many many academic options and a great "name". I enjoyed college (though I did live in a dorm). It was fantastic and I had a wonderful time. My brother though felt the same intense pressure to get into this school. He fought against his own interests in order to maintain the grades and "extras" required to place into this school. And once he was there he hated it. He lived at home and put on a facade of happiness, until it got to be too much and he had a depressive break. He almost died, dropped out of school, joined the army, and only now (roughy 10 years later) is he ready to give higher education another try.

Now I'm not saying your child would react like that, but moving the whole family "just for you to do X" is a lot of pressure to put on an 18 year old. They might rebel, they might go along with the plan despite wanting to do something different. Either way they lose an element of choice (do I want to go to college? do I want to go to this college? do I want to live at home?).

So I guess I'd suggest moving the family if the best thing for the family right now is to move... but not moving if the primary goal is several years down a road of maybes.

[MichelleAnnette]

double post

[MichelleAnnette]

I really think people should direct their own lives. It drove me nuts seeing my friends' parents direct their adult children's lives in college. I was an adult at 18, married at 21 (while in college), and had ds at 22 (at home, 7 weeks after grad). I'll be 24 tomorrow and I'm still a grown up. My sister (19) lived with my mom for her first year of college and it sort of worked out. She just moved out because my mom is moving to be closer to me (well, ds is the main attraction and she is ready for a job change).

I don't have an opinion on whether adult children should or should not live with their parents, but I think the parents should not really worry about it and let the adult children initiate conversation about how they want their parents to help them (or not help them).

[kathymuggle]

[QUOTE=wombatclay;11897855

Now I'm not saying your child would react like that, but moving the whole family "just for you to do X" is a lot of pressure to put on an 18 year old. They might rebel, they might go along with the plan despite wanting to do something different. Either way they lose an element of choice (do I want to go to college? do I want to go to this college? do I want to live at home?).

So I guess I'd suggest moving the family if the best thing for the family right now is to move... but not moving if the primary goal is several years down a road of maybes.[/QUOTE]


Putting pressure on an 18 year old is not my intent. In fact, just the opposite. So many kids in rural areas cannot live at home and go to school (and, yeah, despite this thread - some do want to/need to live at home at that age), I feel moving might give my kids more choice. Live at home, apartment or dorm - yk? Also the choice of less student loans....

However, I do hear what you are saying and realise that some kids could misconstrue the whole thing.

Quite frankly, I could move into town for a variety of reason - but that would not be a popular decision, so here I stay....

[wombatclay]

I understand... what I was thinking was that you could offer to move if/when the situation came up. That way, if your child said "I'd really like to go to X, but I want to live at home" you could offer moving the family as an option supporting their decision. And you could even put that offer on the table during the mid-high school years so it would be in the back of their head during the "college pressure" years. That puts a lot of the power back in their hands.

But I grew up very rurally (a town of 8 homes, surrounded by agricultural lands), and we now live in a rural setting as well (middle of a nature preserve) so I do understand the limitations. I think it's great that you'd be willing to offer this to your child!

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by wombatclay

I understand... what I was thinking was that you could offer to move if/when the situation came up. That way, if your child said "I'd really like to go to X, but I want to live at home" you could offer moving the family as an option supporting their decision. And you could even put that offer on the table during the mid-high school years so it would be in the back of their head during the "college pressure" years. That puts a lot of the power back in their hands.

But I grew up very rurally (a town of 8 homes, surrounded by agricultural lands), and we now live in a rural setting as well (middle of a nature preserve) so I do understand the limitations. I think it's great that you'd be willing to offer this to your child!

Thank you! I do think waiting until/if the situation comes up is a good idea.

I am also willing to consider, if we are in the finacial place, of buying a house for them and reselling.

kathy

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by Isfahel

I really think kids shouldn't live with their parents when in college... I'm probably in the minority but I really think kids need to get out there on their own and learn to be an adult in a safe semi-controlled setting. Of course I went to a Christian, small college and it was a great environment for me to "grow up" in. This coming from a super shy, not very socialized homeschooler. Going to a secular, party college is a totally different thing... A little parental control and guidance might be a good thing then.

If my kids don't live with me they won't be able to afford school, because free room and board is all I can offer them while in school. This is reality for many many families.

[MCR]

Originally Posted by ziggy

Are you sure your kids want to live at home during college?

I thought I wanted Ds to live home during college. We are an hour from his college and by the time he was ending his senior year I knew it was best that he live in the dorms and come home as often as he wanted. First year he came home twice a month, second year he didn't come home unless it was a holiday or long weekend. This is year three he goes back this month I see the same as year two happening.

Living on campus gives them so much more than just an education, they get to participate in so many other things (not all bad ) The small university he goes to encourages all students to live there for at least the first year as so much is going on.
Much as I love my Ds this has been a wonderful thing for him, he is so much more mature and takes on things without asking me to do the phonecalls or make him appointments.

We do see him weekly as where he is is the closest large town for doing big grocery shopping. So we shop for us, and him and go by, say hello and drop off supplies.

At the beginning of junior and senior year I could never have imagined it all turning out like this.

[MCR]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

If my kids don't live with me they won't be able to afford school, because free room and board is all I can offer them while in school. This is reality for many many families.

Thats what we thought too.
Ds's annual college bill amounts to about the same as our annual income, with CalGrants and the college matching funds and a couple of small federal loans, it has turned out cheaper than sending him to a State college about the same distance away. Plus they give you more if you are living on campus but would have given him nothing to cover the commute costs.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by wombatclay

I understand... what I was thinking was that you could offer to move if/when the situation came up. That way, if your child said "I'd really like to go to X, but I want to live at home" you could offer moving the family as an option supporting their decision. And you could even put that offer on the table during the mid-high school years so it would be in the back of their head during the "college pressure" years. That puts a lot of the power back in their hands.

But I grew up very rurally (a town of 8 homes, surrounded by agricultural lands), and we now live in a rural setting as well (middle of a nature preserve) so I do understand the limitations. I think it's great that you'd be willing to offer this to your child!

But could she really do that? Her other kids are 5 and 9 right now so in 6 years, they will be 11 and 15. Should they be made to move just because the oldest wants to go to college but live at home? My oldest brother started college when I was in 5th grade. I sure would not have wanted to move so he could continue to live at home and it would have lead to a lot of resentment. And what about the other kids? What if they want to go to another school and live at home? Would the family move again? Or would they automatically have to go to the college the oldest selected?

OP, from one post I read, it sounds like you would prefer to move from the country. Could you be projecting these wishes onto something else, ie, we'll move so the kids can go to college?

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

OP, from one post I read, it sounds like you would prefer to move from the country. Could you be projecting these wishes onto something else, ie, we'll move so the kids can go to college?

I knew someone would bring that up

No, I do not think I am projecting wishes. There are a variety of reason why moving has many pro's - avaialbility of higher education is just one.

I think part of the discussion going on is due to cultural or geographic differences. When I went to post secondary school it was extremely common for young adults to live at home. It was also fairly common for young adults to "not" go away to college - but rather go in their own community.

I also beleive that kids should leave home when they are ready - not because they "have to" in order to get an education.

That being said, I think balancing the need of younger kids and older ones (and parents!) is tricky. There is not much around here to offer teens as a whole, so that is something to think about.

Kathy

[kennedy444]

Originally Posted by ziggy

Are you sure your kids want to live at home during college?

I was thinking this too.
College is a time to grow and learn to live on your own.
I can't imagine wanting to live at home during these years.

[LauraLoo]

There is a possibility that college class schedules can be worked to only happen 3 or 4 days/week, so maybe the daily commute wouldn't be as rough. But that does bring up the fact that freshman usually have less control over their scheudules as upper classmen get first preference.

I also knew a lot of classmates who did live at home, but when the weather got bad, they'd just shack up with people who lived on campus for a night or two.

I took some summer classes, and those were usually more condensed (ie. instead of 1 hour lectures 3 x/week they were 1.5 hours 2x/week -- or even 2 hours 3x/week over a shorter semester.

Another thing to consider is that there are a lot of jobs for students around the university -- so if your dc's want or need to work, they may have more options for that as well.

Living away from my parents (4 hours) was the best thing for me. But I have a neice who couldn't handle being 3 hours away, and wound up dropping out. And I know plenty of kids who traveled cross-country to attend the program of their choice.

Also, if you move with the idea that your dc *will* attend a university close by, are you sending the message that that is the only area where they *can* go? I know plenty of kids that purposely didn't go to a local university because they wanted to go somewhere where not so many of their friends were going to branch out a bit. Kind of that drive to be unique and assert their independence.

Lots of disconnected thoughts -- hope you can make sense out of it!

[Bekka]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I think part of the discussion going on is due to cultural or geographic differences. When I went to post secondary school it was extremely common for young adults to live at home. It was also fairly common for young adults to "not" go away to college - but rather go in their own community.

I agree with this comment. My dh's extended family is all in Australia. They all went to the "local" uni for their program, and it wasn't the competitive issue it is in the States with colleges and universities all over the place and you have to "figure out" where you want to go. His family over in Oz was completely fascinated by the process he went through.

If the difference is Canada vs. US, then it may be a similar phenomenon. So if you went locally, then you would just live at home.

[mytwogirls]

Originally Posted by kennedy444

I was thinking this too.
College is a time to grow and learn to live on your own.
I can't imagine wanting to live at home during these years.

I picked my college for exactly that reason and I still live on a farm in rural Nebraska. I just wanted to grow up, get away and expand myself. No way in hell was I staying home...nuh huh...couldn't make me

[MilkTrance]

When I was a teenager, I drove that (and farther) every single day for work or school. Over a curvy, winding highway on the cliffs of the hills.

I really don't think that commuting is a big deal unless you make it a big deal.