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Advice Needed -- forcing DD to go to her dad's? - Page 2

post #21 of 23
I don't think it's abusive or anything, but I don't think it's productive to building a good relationship with her to get into a power struggle about her clothes. I think it's going to drive a wedge in any father/daughter relationship when the father feels the need to control and suppress her budding sexuality. I think it would be more helpful to her in the long run if he were supportive and made her feel comfortable talking to him. I know that's really uncomfortable territory for most fathers, though.

But he said at our house we live on the lake and there can be a lot of people around we do not know and I just don't feel confortible with you dressed that way, he said especially if we were at work and you were by yourself.
This I don't get. Was he implying that she's more likely to be a target of assault by being dressed "provocatively"? I think that's a terrible message to send. It's been proven untrue, and it makes a woman who does get assaulted someday feel like she must have asked for it somehow.
post #22 of 23
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden View Post
Oh gosh. I am not a parent, but I was your daughter.

I was verbally/emotionally abused by my father for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to visit my dad, but never told my mom the full story as to why. I was put down, humiliated, belittled. If this is truly what is going on with your daughter, she may not care to have her relationship with her father come through this intact.

My mom was like you. She really bent over backward to make things good

I finally put my foot down at 16 and refused to visit my father again. My mom and stepdad did everything in their power to get me to see him again, because they wanted me to have a relationship with him. I finally told her all the things he would do and she just cried and cried that she should have known and she couldn't believe she hadn't protected me. It broke my heart to see her blaming herself.

I decided to give him another chance at 20 years old, but it was the same story, so at 22 I said goodbye forever. That much negativity is so detrimintal to my mental well-being. My blood pressure was through the roof, I gained weight, I couldn't sleep, I was always crying (and I am not a crier.)

Having to put up with my father's treatment left me with no self esteem and an eating disorder, and I would have given anything to have been able to stop seeing him completely at 13 when I begged to. It took me so many years to overcome the effects of that treatment. I still get questions from family members about "Don't I miss having a relationship with my father?" No, I don't. My life is so much better now. I couldn't imagine having to put up with his condesention on my wedding day. I can't imagine having children and having to try to protect them from his words.

Just last year my mom told me how he had treated her in their marriage. She had kept it from me all these years so as not to influence my opinion of him. He was so horrible to her. That's why she freaked out so much when I told her. It was just like what he did to her and she remembers how damaging it was.

Some relationships are not worth preserving.

I just wanted to say good luck, and don't let peer or family pressure keep you from doing what is right for your daughter. I know my mom was influenced by everyone saying I had to have a relationship with my father, and she regrets that so much. Life is hard enough at 13 without one of your parents putting you down all the time.

Thank you for writing this. I feel for your mom -- I am devastated at some of the things my DD has told me. The way they mocked her and made her feel "less then", the way they told her that they were not proud of her and that she didn't work hard enough (with a 3.7 GPA in 7th grade).

I am simply sick that I was not able to stop this sooner. However, I am hoping that this will turn the tide, if only inside of DD. I want him to get the picture, too, but if he doesn't, at least he had the chance.

And you sound like a strong person. Keep doing what is best for you!
post #23 of 23
Maybe its just because we were born in the 60's but we do not feel that at 12 a girl needs to look like she is 16. Plus even though we live in more modern times she got mad when she was 13 and 14 when kids at school started calling her names and then one of her best friend told us it was because all of the sudden she started wearing alot of makeup and how she was dressing.
The friend even told us her mom was concerned about her being seen with Becky.

Kids grow up so fast now a days why force it. DH did not have a problem taking her and buying clothes that were in style he just wanted them to be appropriate. Its not like he makes her wear a one piece bathing suit to the beach. She has grown into quite the dazzling young lady but she is still only 15.

The only thing that I can say in DH defense about his statement on how you appear in public is clothes do sometimes give people a very different impression of a person. Then too it can also get you unwanted attention.

She may not be a target of assault but the presumption that she would be a lot older than she is, yes.

Like he told me he said I want her to be like other teens her age but he said I just want her to learn to have respect for herself so others will have respect for her.
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