The looks they look, and other reactions

[nerdymom]

I don't know why, but I was at a baby shower for another friend, and someone asked me where I was having my baby, and instead of just saying the county where I live, I said "at home". I think the question caught me off guard since I was trying to hide my belly and let my friend have the full pregnancy spotlight (I didn't know anyone else there).

Anyways... I try to just ignore people's reactions, but oye! This one lady made such a FACE, like I said I was planning on hitting my child with a stick, or locking it in a closet or something. Now I keep seeing her face in my mind. Not exactly the positive image I would like to have. It now pairs with the voice of a coworker saying "Is that even legal?"

Anyone here have some really funny (or extreme) reactions from people?

[dmarina]

i just got the raised eyebrows, but then a couple (that don't know us) started blabbing. the wife said,"i know this couple, they let their 2 year-old STILL NURSE! AND THEY ALL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED! i'm sorry if i'm being judgemental, but..."
and then the husband said, "OH NO, you're not being judgemental, that's just plain WEIRD. those people are disgusting."
i said, um we plan to co-sleep and nurse for as long as our child wants.
they just smiled and walked away.

[Full Heart]

Originally Posted by dmarina

i just got the raised eyebrows, but then a couple (that don't know us) started blabbing. the wife said,"i know this couple, they let their 2 year-old STILL NURSE! AND THEY ALL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED! i'm sorry if i'm being judgemental, but..."
and then the husband said, "OH NO, you're not being judgemental, that's just plain WEIRD. those people are disgusting."
i said, um we plan to co-sleep and nurse for as long as our child wants.
they just smiled and walked away.

I would have probably said "Wow, you seem so educated on extended nursing and co sleeping, way to be opened minded" and walked away lol. But then I'm like that.

Mostly I get horror stories. You know the typical "My baby would have died had I not been in the hospital".

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by Full Heart

Mostly I get horror stories. You know the typical "My baby would have died had I not been in the hospital".

I HATE THIS REACTION! Ugh. How many times have I heard, "Wow you're soooo brave...[insert my baby's catastrophe here]."

[rockportmama]

Originally Posted by Full Heart

Mostly I get horror stories. You know the typical "My baby would have died had I not been in the hospital".

My MIL plied me with these during 1st pregnancy. I always responded with "Well, if the doctors hadn't induced, that might not have happened!" "Well, if she hadn't been struck on her back and fighting gravity that might not have happened!" "Did you know that the morbidity and mortality rates for midwife-assisted planned homebirths are lower than for hospital births?"

I've posted in another thread the full story of PIL reaction. If I can find it I'll post a link.

Oh, and Nerdymom, I usually tell people I think they're brave for going to a hospital. All those drug-resistant diseases you'd never catch at home!

[rockportmama]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=936326

[Miss Chris]

I feel like I always hear this one:

"I heard about someone who had a homebirth and the baby DIED!"

ARGGGG! This one hurts me because it feels like some stranger is accusing me of taking some kind of insane risk with my precious child and it just ticks me off. People have all kinds of faith that their totally biased anecdotal information is indicative of a real danger while simultaneously assuming that I did no further research. Clearly I couldn't possibly possess more information than they do which was the basis of my decision. According to their assumption either I must be homicidally reckless or an idiot. (Can you tell this bugs me?)

I usually just point out that any loss of a child is a terrible tragedy which sadly sometimes occurs, even in hospitals. To which several people have replied:

"Well, I'm glad it worked out for you, you must be very lucky. Of course, if I had birthed at home I'd be dead RIGHT NOW".

At this point I usually just grimace non comittedly, make some sympathetic sound regarding their ordeal and change the subject. Who knows, maybe they would have died, maybe their ordeal was caused by the hospital itself. I certainly can't judge that and its just more educating than I feel like getting into with a semi-stranger on the playground, y/k? I know that the chances they are correct are very slim since all the statistics show equal maternal mortality at home or at the hospital, but I figure everyone needs to justify their own decisions (me included) and it would be unkind to undermine some other woman's version of her birth story just to get back at her for attacking mine. But I wish I had something smart and succinct to say because I would like to make a difference in the general consensus without entering into continual debate.

[Citykid]

I usually just shut up and change the subject and make a mental note to respoect that person a little less. I have a friend who told me she had an episiotomy "and it was a good thing because I ended up with a 3rd degree tear right in that spot!" It's just whatever to me.

[annanicole]

Maybe it's the way I present things or who I choose to speak to. Or maybe my freinds and most of my family just accept that I am different but well thought out.

But I tend to view others statements like my moms as just being uneducated. My sister and my sister in law both think I'm crazy and express this to each other instead of me so that's fine too.

My mom tried to rile up the troops to get me to not have a homebirth but my grandma told her that lots of babies are born at home and it's perfectly safe, lol my grandad even backed me up. I was shocked.

But people I talk to about it I discuss it with a tone in my voice like others discuss having their baby at a hospital. I don't think it's abnormal or going against the grain, it's very important to me and I discuss it that way. No my husband on the other hand deflects everything to me or just doesn't broach the subject.

I don't discuess much with his family b/c they think my son is lucky to be alive and functioning due to me being a vegetarian. LOL the education level isn't the highest in that family

[kalirush]

None of my friends have kids yet- so all my single and/or childless friends think the way we do things is "the way you take care of babies".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! All these single guys are going to hook up with ladies eventually, and when they have kids, they're going to be going "don't we just sleep with the baby, honey? why don't you just put him on the boob? we should use those cloth diapers, those look easy."

[PookieMom]

We've just started telling people and so far things have been pretty good. I usually throw in there "We have an AMAZING birth team and dh and I are very, VERY EXCITED!" And then I smile really, really big and people usually have enough tact to back off. I haven't ran into anyone yet who is mean enough to ruin our excitement but I'm sure I will soon.

[Kim919]

Originally Posted by Miss Chris

I feel like I always hear this one:

"I heard about someone who had a homebirth and the baby DIED!"

ARGGGG! This one hurts me because it feels like some stranger is accusing me of taking some kind of insane risk with my precious child and it just ticks me off. People have all kinds of faith that their totally biased anecdotal information is indicative of a real danger while simultaneously assuming that I did no further research. Clearly I couldn't possibly possess more information than they do which was the basis of my decision. According to their assumption either I must be homicidally reckless or an idiot. (Can you tell this bugs me?)

I usually just point out that any loss of a child is a terrible tragedy which sadly sometimes occurs, even in hospitals. To which several people have replied:

"Well, I'm glad it worked out for you, you must be very lucky. Of course, if I had birthed at home I'd be dead RIGHT NOW".

At this point I usually just grimace non comittedly, make some sympathetic sound regarding their ordeal and change the subject. Who knows, maybe they would have died, maybe their ordeal was caused by the hospital itself. I certainly can't judge that and its just more educating than I feel like getting into with a semi-stranger on the playground, y/k? I know that the chances they are correct are very slim since all the statistics show equal maternal mortality at home or at the hospital, but I figure everyone needs to justify their own decisions (me included) and it would be unkind to undermine some other woman's version of her birth story just to get back at her for attacking mine. But I wish I had something smart and succinct to say because I would like to make a difference in the general consensus without entering into continual debate.

I recently came up with a way to respond to this type of "well I/my mom/my sister/my friend/etc. would have died" That doesnt involve long winded attempts at educating the ignorant. Just say something along the lines of:

"Oh, thats too bad! You know, I did all of my research early on and i'm really focused on my nutrition and overall health. Besides that, I think some woman just have an easier time with it then others. I always feel so bad for woman who need so may different kinds of help."

Its the perfect response. Its just as phoney nice as their original statement, and its a total insult. Its like saying that whoever almost died wasn't good at having babies. Obviously I know this isn't true and that almost all woman can birth naturally with no problems if they are given the opportunity. But why be nice if they're being ignorant and mean?

[peainthepod]

At our baby shower, one of DH's cousins approached me out of the blue with her own birth horror story. I was polite enough to let her speak but inside I couldn't believe it. Really I was just flabbergasted that someone could be so rude as to try to frighten a first-time mother at her own shower! She had no idea we were planning to homebirth, by the way. I still don't know why she felt compelled to tell me how awful her (hospital) birth was.

Really, I think these people often mean well but the mainstream perception is that homebirth is a dangerous, last-resort thing to do, and that a hugely interventionist, medicalized model of care is the only "safe" option. You can't reason with someone else's irrational fears, hysteria, and insecurities.

Remember too that women who had a traumatic hospital birth are often defensive about it and very upset by the experience. Encountering a woman who chooses a different path for herself can be threatening to them. It's almost like some of these people take it personally that I don't want to be strapped to a table, drugged to the gills, pushed around by strangers and bullied into unnecessary procedures like they were!

When people ask where I'm having the baby, I smile widely and say "at home" and leave it at that. I think my family and friends know me well enough to know that changing my mind about something so intensely personal would be...futile at best. I'd like to think they trust my judgment and know I wouldn't go into something like this without researching it fully, but more likely they just know I'm stubborn with an independent streak.

[aurora_skys]

heh, when people ask me I say "well im planning on having the baby in the kitchen" and wait for the sh*t to start flying >:}
Im soo tired of defending and hiding my lifestyle choices that now I just throw them out there and anyone who wants to do battle with me over things like homebirth is in for a nasty surprise. People think that because Im a young first timer I must not be informed at all but lemme tell ya Im armed to the teeth with info.

so i guess the way i deal with naysayers is slap down their anecdotes with evidence based facts. but im sort of an aggresive/combative type when ignorant people try to tell me "how it is" lol

I wish I would get humorous reactions from ppl when I say "at home!" but mostly its just mean spirited comments about abuse and "ur gonna die!! omg!!!"

[claddaghmom]

I'm still too much of a scaredy cat to put my toes into this water. So far I've bypassed any questions about my OB and hospital location. It was getting a bit difficult to do this honestly until one of my coworkers asked me for the address.

I said, why the heck do you want the address???

Apparently she and some others were planning to "visit" to congratulate us. And she didn't confirm when this was to happen...before, during or after the birth???!!

So I told her that I absolutely would not want any visitors at all. I think she got the word around because people have stopped asking for details.

[MI_Dawn]

Originally Posted by Kim919

"Oh, thats too bad! You know, I did all of my research early on and i'm really focused on my nutrition and overall health. Besides that, I think some woman just have an easier time with it then others. I always feel so bad for woman who need so may different kinds of help."

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