Help me stop yelling please!

[pishajane]

I feel so awful about it, but i just can't seem to stop myself!

The problem is that my 2yo DD is very aggressive towards 7mo DS, and i just can't figure out how to stop it. I try distraction and intervention, but there are many times thru the day that she'll try to hurt him - mainly by pushing his head into the floor or trying to kick his face!!
Even if she's busy w/ something, if he comes crawling anywhere near her, she'll try to push him away.

Now, i get that she's feeling threatened by him, and she's probably just trying to reassert her place in the family... but knowing this is not enough. I need to know what to DO about it. I've tried extra time and cuddles, but it seems to be never enough. So... i end up yelling at her several times a day to leave DS alone.

Any ideas? She's still preverbal, which makes it even harder. I'm tandem nursing as well, and honestly it feels like it has actually created more jealousy rather than preventing it.

*sigh* I'm exhausted, and sad, and mad at myself for not doing it better. Stupid, huh? It was waaaay too soon to have another baby - not that it was planned! DD is just so needy, and every day i feel awful for how she must feel now. And yet, i can't seem to do anything about it!

Please help! Trish

[ChetMC]

I Understand...

I understand how you feel. I don't get angry very often, but if there was one thing that pushed my buttons it was when we had a two year old and a baby, and the older child would torment or hurt the baby.

Our situation wasn't exactly the same, and it never got desperate. We didn't have jealousy issues. Our older DD would do stuff like take something from the baby to make her cry, and then give it back to make her happy. It was obvious that she was exploring emotions and social interactions, but it still made me insane. When the baby got hurt it wasn't generally intentional, but it still made me furious. At one point, our younger DD would sort of cower, obviously afraid of older DD! This was around the time that one was 6 or 7 months and the other was just shy of two. Right after this, we travelled for a month, and then lived with DH's family for five weeks. That gave us more than two months of extra hands and adults to spend time with the kids, and I honestly believe it saved us from having a really, really rough spot with two closely spaced kids.

If it makes you feel better, our girls are wonderful friends now... nearly inseparable... even though I worried that one was going to somehow scar the other one for life. I hated those moments when both kids legitimately needed me, but I had to prioritize. Now though, it's a lot easier and we enjoy many benefits of closely spaced kids.

I've also heard many moms say that they didn't have issues when the baby was born. The challenges with the older child started when baby began crawling, sitting at the table, and really becoming more interactive. I'm certain that other moms here will have experience with what you're going through.

I wonder if it would help your older DD to have a baby free space of her own. Does she have a place to play where she and the baby aren't in competition for toys and things?

What about a back carrier? The baby would be close to you, and able to see what's going on, but at the same time, he'd be up and sort of removed from your DD's environment.

[Chulita]

I often times have similar problems!! I have a 25 month old and a 5 month old.. and also am tandem nursing. Boy that in itself takes a lot out of me!! And there are often times I find myself yelling at my toddler and not WANTING to. I think for me a lot of it comes from added stress from my husband and things like that. I usually do a lot better on days when for example, I know he's not gonna be home til a lot later and I know I can get the house clean when the kids are sleeping, or if he's not coming home for whatever reason. It sucks that that is how it is. I can't even be myself w/him!!! Anyways back to the yelling and stuff. I feel horrible when I do it, and it always makes my youngest baby cry, well then I feel like a bad mother.. so I can really feel you on this one!! My toddler is usually pretty good with her brother, but then she has her times when its just one thing after another.. if she doesn't take his toy away, she is poking him in the eye, or whatever else.. but on the other hand, she really does love him and does "protect him".. i dunno. its just hard when the husband isn't showing the support I need in this kinda situation! I hope your days start to go better.. we should keep each other accountable !

[amis2girls]

Can you do something together with the two of them? Maybe you and dd could show ds how high a block tower can reach? Point out to her a skill he doesn't have yet and she might feel quite important.

FWIW, I was quite a yeller too. Slowly I got better. Don't look at the big picture of where you want to be in parenting compared to where you are now. Look at a situation with your kids where you would normally yell and ask yourself how to make it better. Then the next time you want to yell you have a building block. "OK, last time dd pushed ds I did this. I've already helped her solve this problem once, let's do it again."

[pishajane]

Too tired to post much, but just wanted to say thanks for the replies so far!

Be back in the morning...hopefully after having more than a few hrs sleep...

Trish

[pishajane]

Originally Posted by amis2girls

Can you do something together with the two of them? Maybe you and dd could show ds how high a block tower can reach? Point out to her a skill he doesn't have yet and she might feel quite important.

FWIW, I was quite a yeller too. Slowly I got better. Don't look at the big picture of where you want to be in parenting compared to where you are now. Look at a situation with your kids where you would normally yell and ask yourself how to make it better. Then the next time you want to yell you have a building block. "OK, last time dd pushed ds I did this. I've already helped her solve this problem once, let's do it again."

Thanks for your response! You're right - i get too focused on the mama i WANT to be, and then i get discouraged when i'm not always like that.
I'll try your suggestion. Although, i get the feeling that DD would just rather pretend DS wasn't there at all!

[pishajane]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

I wonder if it would help your older DD to have a baby free space of her own. Does she have a place to play where she and the baby aren't in competition for toys and things?

What about a back carrier? The baby would be close to you, and able to see what's going on, but at the same time, he'd be up and sort of removed from your DD's environment.

Great idea! I've been thinking about how to give DD her own area... DS is VERY mobile, and he loves a challenge! But i do think it's something she'd like.

Unfortunately, DS has always hated any sling/carrier i've tried. Although, I haven't tried for a month or so, so i could try again. DD would probably like it though...that's a thought. It's been a while since i wore her, and she was always a sling lovin baby until like 18mos! That would give her more mama time too.

[pishajane]

Originally Posted by Chulita

I often times have similar problems!! I have a 25 month old and a 5 month old.. and also am tandem nursing. Boy that in itself takes a lot out of me!! And there are often times I find myself yelling at my toddler and not WANTING to. I think for me a lot of it comes from added stress from my husband and things like that. I usually do a lot better on days when for example, I know he's not gonna be home til a lot later and I know I can get the house clean when the kids are sleeping, or if he's not coming home for whatever reason. It sucks that that is how it is. I can't even be myself w/him!!! Anyways back to the yelling and stuff. I feel horrible when I do it, and it always makes my youngest baby cry, well then I feel like a bad mother.. so I can really feel you on this one!! My toddler is usually pretty good with her brother, but then she has her times when its just one thing after another.. if she doesn't take his toy away, she is poking him in the eye, or whatever else.. but on the other hand, she really does love him and does "protect him".. i dunno. its just hard when the husband isn't showing the support I need in this kinda situation! I hope your days start to go better.. we should keep each other accountable !

It is hard! Thanks for the reply. I hope you can resolve your issues w/ your DH, and that it all starts getting easier soon!