My mom spanked my 2.5 yo niece.

[New_Natural_Mom]

Please no flames. My mother is the BEST mom ever. Ever. She is the most loving wonderful woman. She and my dad (in their early 60's) were babysitting my nieces for a week. Nieces are 8, 6, 2.5. It was the last day of the week. I came over with my 4 mo son to play with the girls while my dad went to the gym and my mom did her morning routine. The 2.5 year old is potty learning and had to go poopy. So my mom is in the bathroom. Why she didn't shut the door, I will never know. But her dog goes in the bathroom with them and starts getting growly/mean. So my mom is fighting with the dog to get him to go in his crate (and no flames about the dog. This dog will never be allowed near my son. She's not giving him up no matter what anyone says.) When she comes back the 2.5 yo was reaching in the potty to play with um...you know (she has a habit of wiping it on the walls.) My mom freaks out and starts yelling at her and spanks her. I just yelled "MOM!" Totally shocked. My niece is crying, I am freaking out, my mom is stressed. It was just bad. I am so sad now, because I will not feel comfortable letting them watch my son after I saw how they were with my nieces. They were the only people I would have let babysit. Now (not that we were planning on needing a babysitter anytime soon) I don't know what to do. I told her in no certain terms that it will never be ok with my son and if she ever spanks him she will NEVER see him again. I explained about GD and she just thinks that a swat on the butt is ok. Ugh. Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to vent. My niece was fine. She acted like nothing happened. I just feel like a little piece of my world has shattered.

Again, my mom is wonderful....this just totally shocked me.

[Rigama]

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I think most people would flip out in that situation. I think I'd give her some slack on that one, she sounds like she was very stressed out.
And honestly... 2 1/2 is a bit old to play in a toilet.

I know, it's easy for me to say "let it go" because it wasn't my own child, so I don't know how I would REALLy feel. This is just my opinion in my own situation.

[mama2cal&darby]

I am just wondering why this is such a big shock to you. Did your parents not spank you as a child? Did they never yell when you were growing up? These are genuine questions because I would assume my mother would treat my children comparably to how she treated me unless we had had conversations which made me think she had changed her parenting views.
So, if your mother never yelled at you or spanked you, she much have been extremely stressed out to do that to your niece. And to be honest- 3 kids for a week is HUGE!!! My mum won't babysit my 2 kids for an hour (she has no partner, but still) nevermind 3 for a week!!
If your mother would agree not to spank your child, would that be enough for you to trust her? Surely you wouldn't put her in such a stressful situation anyway. Occasionally babysitting 1 child for a few hours is a very different situation. Even if your mum thinks the occasional swat is no big deal, it is very likely she won't do it if you let her know how you feel about it. My mum and I don't completely see eye to eye on all parenting issues, but she respects my views and wishes and would always treat my children the way I want them ro be treated.

[chfriend]

First, I want to validate your feelings of shock and betrayal that your mother would hit a young child left unsupervised after being threatened on the potty by a dog.

It sounds like your dismay has been increased by the fact that your mother feels ok about what she's done because it was a "swat on the butt."

You have a high opinion of your mother and now you have found that her attittude about the bodily integrity of children is very different from yours.

Honestly, since you have such a good relationship with your mother, you've got a chance to begin a conversation with her about why you've chosen GD, what you think the advantages of this sort of relationship with children is and ideas about alternative ways to handle situations like the one she encountered with your little niece.

It does sound like it may be best to avoid having your mother babysit since her feelings on the subject of hitting children not her own is different from yours.

[rockportmama]

Hi! I totally feel for you! If it helps -- my PIL spank, hit, smack, yell, insult, etc my nephew whom they have custody of. But they do not hit my DS. We simply made it clear it is not acceptable to us, and that if they ever did they might never see him again -- much less watch him!

If my PIL have the capacity to respect our decisions, your mom does even more -- she actually likes you!!! Your honest reaction to the situation may have been enough to get her attention. And your Mama Instinct will tell you when it is "safe" to leave DS with them.

HTH!

[New_Natural_Mom]

Originally Posted by mama2cal&darby

I am just wondering why this is such a big shock to you. Did your parents not spank you as a child? Did they never yell when you were growing up? These are genuine questions because I would assume my mother would treat my children comparably to how she treated me unless we had had conversations which made me think she had changed her parenting views.
So, if your mother never yelled at you or spanked you, she much have been extremely stressed out to do that to your niece. And to be honest- 3 kids for a week is HUGE!!! My mum won't babysit my 2 kids for an hour (she has no partner, but still) nevermind 3 for a week!!
If your mother would agree not to spank your child, would that be enough for you to trust her? Surely you wouldn't put her in such a stressful situation anyway. Occasionally babysitting 1 child for a few hours is a very different situation. Even if your mum thinks the occasional swat is no big deal, it is very likely she won't do it if you let her know how you feel about it. My mum and I don't completely see eye to eye on all parenting issues, but she respects my views and wishes and would always treat my children the way I want them ro be treated.

I guess it was a shock to me because I just don't see how spanking in that situation was ok (even if you were pro-spank.) The child has a history of doing this if left alone. She didn't actually smear anything yet, just put her hands in there. I guess it was shocking because though they did spank they stopped because they realized it didn't do any good with me (and I am 28 and the youngest, so it has been a long time.) I discussed it with her briefly and we did NOT see eye to eye on it. She was basically of the opinion if she was watching them she would do what she saw fit and wouldn't do anything she didn't/wouldn't do to her own kids. She really doesn't see anything wrong with it. My plan is ton keep reinforcing our philosophies, then when my son is at that age determine if 1.) he is developmentally ready to be w/o mom & dad 2.) My mom gets what we are trying to do.

[rockportmama]

Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom

I discussed it with her briefly and we did NOT see eye to eye on it. She was basically of the opinion if she was watching them she would do what she saw fit and wouldn't do anything she didn't/wouldn't do to her own kids. She really doesn't see anything wrong with it.

In that case I retract my PP. You cannot leave your DC there. Once this bothers your mother enough that she comes around and agrees to abide by your wishes, only then I would leave DC. Until then, not even once would I leave DC "unsupervised" with them. You're probably very sad and I can tell you not having that free babysitter will be a PIA, but your DC's safety and emotional well-being come first, as you know.

Your plan is a good one, and I would add not leaving DC untill both your parents verbally agree to your no-hitting/spanking rules for your child. On the one plus side, at least you found out now, before your DC was spanked without your knowledge/permission!

So sorry you're having to deal with this!

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Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom

The child has a history of doing this if left alone. She didn't actually smear anything yet, just put her hands in there. .

See.. I thought she HAD smeared it already.

I still think your mom may have just been overwhelmed. A week might be too much for your parents.

I would still trust my Mom with my child. I know that my Mom would abide by my choices, but, I would make sure she UNDERSTOOD that very clearly first.

[heartmama]

Sometimes I just don't understand people. If you have a good relationship with your mom and you consider her a nurturing person, I don't see why she isn't responding with something like "I don't think a little swat does any harm but of course I won't do that with Johnny if you object". What is she saying...that she WILL spank your son if you leave him with her? Is she hoping to change your mind about spanking? Trying to convince you it's not a big deal?

Do you think you have played down signs in the past that your mom is this way, or this is honestly the very first time she has behaved this way?