It Has Got To Stop!!!!!!! Please....

[LionessMom]

my kids dont respond to nice at all. ever since i changed my ways they wont do anything i ask them too. i am so totally stressed out about it and it doesnt help. please help get it together. we even had a family meeting so that maybe everyone would realize that we need to work together for the family to work. you know, get them to choose to help. not really working. got a family pic taken to display so they could "see" everyday that we are indeed a family. the youngest DSD is the worst. i can get the others to maybe try but she just wont have anything to do with anything she is asked to do. i find myself slipping back into old behaviors. threats, punishments, being mean. it has got to stop. i cant do this to them anymore. they deserve better than that. the biggest problem is me. i have fibromyalgia and run out of energy which takes the patience with it. DH even suggested i go back on some meds. i react poorly to meds so am not eager to go there. i will be asking the doc about it at my sept appt.

please mommas. im not sure what i am asking for, but i do know that your advice and support are always helpful!

[chaoticzenmom]

You're out of inspiration and tools! Do you have access to Alfie Kohns video "Unconditional Parenting"? It might be worth 30 dollars just to get some inspiration. When I'm losing it, I watch the video.

So, what are you asking the kids to do that they won't do. Is it something that has to be done, like getting into the car to go somewhere? Sometimes, when I have a hard time getting my kids to get ready to go somewhere, I'll break out the military voice. I'll yell "Mission 1! Get shoes on!" Mission 2, Go outside" "Mission 3, etc. I try to keep it 4 missions and under and the kids love it. They start running around trying to complete the missions. I use my mean voice, but with a wink and a smile.

Also, the book "Raising your spirited Child" was really a helpful book. It helped me see my daughter as an individual with a different way of being instead of a child who hated me and wanted to make my life miserable.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

It takes a while for new methods to "work", so be sure to give it time.

Most of us have an easier time giving advise around a specific situation. So maybe pick out the one thing/situation that is driving you the most nuts and post about that, and then I suspect lots of people will weigh in with advise -- some of which will work for you and some of which might not!

[Talula Fairie]

I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I came from a highly abusive (emotionally and physically), dysfunctional household and un-learning those patterns is very hard. Plus I'm a SAHM with two toddlers, and we all know toddlers don't respond well to reason or logic (well, mine don't...). I also have a VERY painful TMJ condition, and I know exactly what you mean about the pain sucking the patience right out of you.

Gentle Discipline is something I strive for, but I don't always hit my goal. I've come a long way lately, though. :

[Ruthla]

I also have fibromyalgia and it's hard. A lot of the time I find that I've been vegging out when I should have been more actively involved in getting my kids ready, so transitions don't run as smoothly as they could. This happens a whole lot at bedtime, and often DS goes to bed much later than he should because I didn't help him start his bedtime routine at 8:00 or 8:30 (to get in bed by 9:30, after toys are cleaned up, he has a snack, a bath or shower, b rushes teeth, sets up the toys on his bed just right, etc.)

I often ask my kids for help. I'll outright tell them "I'm not feeling well today, and I need your help." Then, much earlier than things actually have to get done, we discuss what needs to get done that evening (or that morning, or whatever.) I have the kids help decide if they want to load the dishwasher and THEN turn on the TV, or watch one or two shows and then do the chores.

Obviously, your 1yo can't help much, but your 5yo and 6yos and certainly your 13yo are old enough to help with general housework, getting themselves ready for bed/ready for the day, and helping with the baby. IME, 5yos are quite capable of keeping 1yos from eating paper while older siblings tidy up and brush their teeth.

I've found the kids DO respond to "feeling big because they can help out. Also, I warn them "I'm not feeling well. I need extra co-operation tonight or I'm going to get yelly." Does it completely make them cooperate? not all the time. Does it completely stop me from yelling? No, it doesn't do that either. But, it does minimize the times I find myself yelling.

[LionessMom]

thanks everybody, i feel much better. today was a better day. even though i yelled at them this morning, the afternoon was much better. DSDs mom came and got them for 2 hours and my Mom came and got DS for about 3 hours. just me and DD at home. i felt so erlaxed when they got back, it was easier to remember my stuff and keep patience. DSDs mom caught me yelling. she wasnt mad at me, just sympathetic. she knows what i struggle with and wants her kids back. i also know that if she doesnt get them back that she will come to help me when i need it.