How to respond to tantrum over disciplining?

[minimoose]

I'm going around in circles here.

When my 14 month old tried to bite me again today (it's a new thing, I posted earlier today too), I said in a stern voice: No! I wont let you bite me, biting hurts! Then I put him on the floor and stepped away. Which resulted in an enormous tantrum - he got really really really upset.

How do you deal with the discrepancy of "If you do X which hurts me I don't want to be/wont let you near me because I'm going to protect my body" and the tantrum that obviously is about "you're stepping away from me and now I'm feeling bad, scared and confused - I need you!" - which I normally solve by pulling him close?

I'm probably overthinking this, but, while I was never spanked, GD is really new to me and I'm trying to get in the groove of GD thinking.

Thanks!

[kacymoose]

I believe you don't have to get stern (or angry) to get your point across. IMO, with young children it is enough to just not allow it. Stop it before it happens, and they will see that you will always stop this, so they might as well not try it. Giving a big reaction might actually encourage it because kids are so intrigued by the reactions they get from the things they do.

[DevaMajka]

Have you tried the stern voice and redirecting in a way that honors the impulse, without putting him down and walking away? Ime, that was as far as I had to go most of the time.
When he bites, what is the impulse behind it? Is he wanting something to bite on? If so, have you offered a wet washcloth, a teether, a toy, etc?
Is he wanting to interact with you? If so, I'd go more along the lines of "Don't bite me, etc. If you want to play, let's do X."

On the rare occasion that ds got stuck in his action (in his case, it was sometimes hitting), I would hold his hands to keep him from hitting me, and as a last resort, if I was getting angry, I would walk away to keep my body safe. But that was less of a discipline strategy, and more of a "keep my cool" strategy.

[Ruthla]

Tantrums are generally NOT about "I'm scared and upset and I need you." IME, tantrums are more about "I'm mad and I need to let off some steam."

Going from APing an infant to GDing a child is a really hard transition for parents. It's no longer possible to stop every cry, nor is it appropriate to try. What's so tough about toddlers is that they're half baby and half child, and you have to go back and forth between picking up on nonverbal cues, and not giving into the child's misbehavior, and overall you need to look past the child's "wants" and see what the real "needs" are. Toddlers need to learn limits, and they're happier and healthier when they have them. But at the same time, they're not going to be happy during the process of enforcing those limits.

When you know your child well (and this is a constant process- when your child grows and changes, it can take a bit of time to learn to read their current cues), you can see/hear the difference between "I'm mad and need to let off steam" and 'I've cried enough to calm down, please hold me now." The change can happen in less than a minute, or over several minutes.

So you say 'no biting, biting hurts mommy" and put him down. He cries and kicks. You stay nearby but out of kicking range until the rage turns to sobs, and then you pick him back up (unless the rage turns into quiet playful exploration and he doesn't need you to hold him again.) This might take 30 seconds or it might take 5 minutes (And it may well seem like an hour since you're unused to your baby crying anywhere but in your arms.)