or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Understanding Circumcision › What if your husband insists?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

What if your husband insists? - Page 2

post #21 of 85
Over my dead body, and mean it.
post #22 of 85
There's one other point I want to touch on, as gently and lovingly as possible. Your DSs will see your relationship with your husband as the ideal and will emulate it when they get married. You teach people how to treat you. And if you routinely allow DH to be inconsiderate of your feelings, DSs will do this to their wives.

Sorry if this was out of line.
post #23 of 85
I think that's a good point.
post #24 of 85
It sounds like your DH isn't taking your feeling into consideration. The problem here is that the only compromise is to not do it since it can never be undone. If the situation comes up again you should put your foot down. I know this is hard but sometimes it's the only way. Since this isn't an immediate problem for you, you should take the time to slowly educate your husband so that if and when you do have another boy you would be closer to the same page. There have been other posters here who took that route and it worked out for them because their husbands had the time to absorbed the material and didn't feel as if they were being walked over themselves.
post #25 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
That's how I feel. Just say no. No male ever DIED because he was left intact, but your first son almost did. And even if it went okay, it's an unnecessary human rights violation. My kids come first than feeding my husband's insecurities.

I hope you don't circumcise any future-sons.
post #26 of 85
"Over my dead body".

Seriously, I wasn't going to let it happen no matter what. This is not a topic where there's any negotiating whatsoever. It is not my choice. It is not my husband's. It is my SON'S. And since he cannot make that decision for many more years, he will remain intact at least until then (although I highly doubt he will run out and get circ'ed as soon as he can).

My DH was kind of pissed that I flat out put my foot down, but he got over it and now he would never consider circ'ing a child. He'd just never known anyone who was intact (he grew up in michigan and the circ rate is really high up there) and so he thought it would be odd not to. Now he knows it's not odd and that it is very painful for babies and he doesn't want to hurt our kids.

Most parenting decisions parents should make together but cutting off a functional part of a child's body for no good reason should not even be up for discussion. Since it IS, sometimes we parents have to just be a mama/papa bear and protect our child.
post #27 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
Over my dead body, and mean it.
Yeah that. DH wanted our son circ'ed and tried to insist on it, and I just insisted right back that it wasn't gonna happen. I won....eventually. I told him I wasn't going to sign consent for the surgery, and they wouldn't do it without my consent.
post #28 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
seconded. nothing on earth would convince me to do it.
post #29 of 85
I refused to ttc until he agreed. It ended up with a huge fight and I told him it would happen over my dead body and I meant it. I'd never before (or since) used that expression with him. There was just no way it was going to happen. I would never sign a consent.
post #30 of 85
I told my dh he had to come up with one reason that I could not refute. He tried. I told him even if he came up with what he thought was a "winner" the procedure would happen over my cold dead body.
post #31 of 85
I would not want to remain in a relationship with someone who circ'd.

No way!

That would be the end.
post #32 of 85
Tough spit.

I left my husband for his stance on circ before we were even married. He came around and he supports my choice and is an intactivist himself. However, if he had insisted while I was pregnant, I would have just said no, tough spit, get over it, I don't give a flying crap. If he was willing to make my life hell, or leave me over it, then I don't need to be with someone who is that gung ho about chopping parts off of babies.
post #33 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by frog View Post
What's the deal with "He should look like me!"? When the heck does that even come up? I don't remember a single incident of family nakedness during which genitals were compared.

Dontcha know they have a penis parade every morning?
post #34 of 85
Good for all of you who stood up for your sons!! There are many great points made here, and I hope this thread serves to help any person looking to stand firm on the 'no'.
post #35 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by abaad View Post
My first son was a preemie. DH wanted him circed to look like him. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. He was bleeding everywhere, screaming till he was hoarse, didn't heal right, etc. I hauled him home with his oxygen tanks and monitors dragging behind us and cried for days. I HATED what I'd let happen to my fragile son.

We had our second son three months ago, full term. I told DH I didn't want the procedure done. But he insisted. So I cried the whole time while it was done. It went better than DS1, but it was still awful. I find myself praying we don't have anymore boys. Have any of your husbands insisted? What did you do?
Here is something to consider:


The child has a legal right to bodily integrity. Upon reaching adulthood, the child may have a right to sue to recover damages for injuries or unnecessary surgery sustained in childhood.

The parent must ethically and legally make decisions for the child based solely on the best interests of the child.

Circumcision amputates approximately 50 percent of the heavily innervated skin and mucosa of the penis, tissue that is a specific erogenous zone. The foreskin contains three to four feet of blood vessels, 240 feet of nerves, and 10-20,000 specialized nerve endings. Excision of the foreskin renders the remaining skin taut and immovable, eliminates its protective, sensory, and sexual functions, and destroys the gliding action of the foreskin, changing the natural mechanics of normal human reproduction.

Circumcision puts the patient at risk of surgical mishap, adhesions, meatitis, meatal ulceration, infections, bleeding, and even death. The recent fast spread of MRSA in the US. is an example. Circumcision exposes the infant to risk of exposure to MRSA and other antibiotic resistent bacteria. While MRSA and other Antibiotic resistent bacteria can be spread by skin contact, they become ever more dangerous if they enter through a cut or open wound. Some recently circumcised boys have died from MRSA when their bodies did not respond to anti-biotic treatment. Others required treatment with the most recent experimental antibiotics. One boy who recently recovered now has an enlarged heart; that will cause lifetime consequences for him. The most recent statistics indicate that in 2007, more persons have died from MRSA in the US than from AIDS.

The core issue is that it isn't your husband's penis. It's your son's penis. And your son is the person who has the right to decide how he wants his penis to look, function and feel. Not you, your husband, your relatives, or the doctors. A newborn baby would never choose to have unnecessary surgery on himself.

Regards
post #36 of 85
I realized I can insist too. And my opinions are just as valid as DH's. We are not circing DS#3. DH says he disagrees with what I think about circ, but he knows I will not allow it. So he's going to accept that our DS#3 is not circed, which works for me. He thinks its fine to be circed or intact, and he prefers circ, but he knows how much it hurts me and he also knows that I just won't let it happen again.

For me it was really about deciding that this issue is totally within my control to prevent. Once I gave myself permission and authority to say NO, I'm taking control and this is not going to happen to our child, it really become clearer and much less stressful in my mind because I know now that I can stop it. Whereas before when I was more worried about making DH happy it was a huge struggle. When I realized this isn't about DH's happiness but my son's health, it really helped. My job is to do what's right for my son, and it's easier to find the strength to do that when you put it in that perspective. I also realized that my DH is a grown man and he will deal with it. He may pout for a while, etc, but that's OK, he may need some time to deal with his feelings but he will still love and accept our son and most importantly our son will not have his genitals unnecessarily altered.
post #37 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by KBecks
I realized I can insist too. And my opinions are just as valid as DH's. We are not circing DS#3. DH says he disagrees with what I think about circ, but he knows I will not allow it. So he's going to accept that our DS#3 is not circed, which works for me. He thinks its fine to be circed or intact, and he prefers circ, but he knows how much it hurts me and he also knows that I just won't let it happen again.

For me it was really about deciding that this issue is totally within my control to prevent. Once I gave myself permission and authority to say NO, I'm taking control and this is not going to happen to our child, it really become clearer and much less stressful in my mind because I know now that I can stop it. Whereas before when I was more worried about making DH happy it was a huge struggle. When I realized this isn't about DH's happiness but my son's health, it really helped. My job is to do what's right for my son, and it's easier to find the strength to do that when you put it in that perspective. I also realized that my DH is a grown man and he will deal with it. He may pout for a while, etc, but that's OK, he may need some time to deal with his feelings but he will still love and accept our son and most importantly our son will not have his genitals unnecessarily altered.
For the OP, I think you should know that this is a mama who did agree to circ her first two and is having another boy who will be intact. And we are all very, very, VERY proud of her! : You might want to search on her username, as she had some threads discussing how it went with her dh this time around.

I think she put it beautifully and I say, hear hear!
post #38 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fyrestorm View Post
Dontcha know they have a penis parade every morning?


The things I miss in an all-grrl household!
post #39 of 85
Thread Starter 
I didn't know a thing about the procedure when my first son was born other than that my dad, DH, and all my brothers had it done. I figured it was just something you do and not a big deal.

After it was done and I realized how horrible it was I told my mom about my feelings. She said, "Oh you shouldn't have watched. Just don't watch next time." As if not watching would make it easier on my son. DH sided with her.

I guess why I let it happen again is because DH just kept insisting my sons will resent me when they're teenagers and they look different from everyone else. And he would tell them I was the one who made them look different from everyone else. In our religion and culture, nearly everyone does it. I didn't want my sons to resent me. And I thought, "I'm not male, what do I know about how they'll feel as teenagers?"

But what it comes down to is I HATE this and HATE that I let it happen. You're all right. Once it's done it's done. And if I'm so afraid my sons will resent me, I should consider they may resent me for letting it happen, right?
post #40 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by abaad View Post
I guess why I let it happen again is because DH just kept insisting my sons will resent me when they're teenagers and they look different from everyone else. And he would tell them I was the one who made them look different from everyone else. In our religion and culture, nearly everyone does it. I didn't want my sons to resent me. And I thought, "I'm not male, what do I know about how they'll feel as teenagers?"

But what it comes down to is I HATE this and HATE that I let it happen. You're all right. Once it's done it's done. And if I'm so afraid my sons will resent me, I should consider they may resent me for letting it happen, right?
Circ rates are going down. It is CERTAIN that world-wide circumcised boys/men will be in the minority. I don't know where you are, but stats are looking like by the time your boys are old enough to compare, they will be in the minority in the US as well.

-Angela
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Understanding Circumcision
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Understanding Circumcision › What if your husband insists?