I need some SERIOUS HELP!!! Please!!!

[nym]

x-posted in Childhood years

I have two boys, they are 5 and 3. My 5 year old starts kindergarten soon. A little backstory.. I am divorced from their dad, they were spending a couple of days a week with him, and in a YMCA group daycare during the days. My ex and I have been apart for years. I have a SO, we have been together about a year. We recently moved away from the town we lived in, away from the kids dad, to a new city in another province (My ex fully supported this as he is moving for work as well).

I finally got them into a home daycare. The woman is really nice, she has been doing this for some time, before she was a nurse. My kids just started going there, after I finally found a place. Daycare is extremely hard to find here.

My kids were asked to leave.

My 5 year old is not behaving well. I don't even know where to start
I guess Ill just tell you about today.

DS1 hit 2 other kids, he climbed the banister in her house after being asked not to many times, he talked to the other (younger) kids about drinking alcohol and mimed it.. he said they were pretending to be adults. He told the daycare lady he did not have to listen to her, he laughed in her face when she reprimanded him, he put his fingers in his ears when she was asking him to do stuff. He got up on the balcony rail and tried to jump, he laughed at the other kids, he called them names.. etc.

My 3 year old is starting to follow in his footsteps. Im scared.

We dont hit, we take away toys and put them in thier rooms.

I dont know what to do. Im beyond the ability to figure this out. They dont watch a lot of television, they dont do much but play with me, color, run around with the dog etc.

I have BPD, I have severe anxiety, Im so stressed out. I need to work, we need the money.

Oh, the other thing my 5 year old has been doing is saying he hates me, that he doesnt want me to be his mommy anymore, that he isnt my friend. He has on 2 occasions said that he is going to get a gun and shoot me.

Im sorry this is all disjointed.. Im bawling and soooo upset.

Ill try to answer any questions, I really really need some advice!!!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Oh gosh, what an all-around stressful situation. I would assume that your children are reacting to the stress, just as you are. I think I would probably start some sort of couseling for them before I would consider it a discipline problem per se. I'm not sure what your resources are (sounds like you aren't in the US, so I probably wouldn't be much help anyway), but it definitely sounds like you could all use some help.

I'm not sure what you should do for the immediate childcare issue. How long before school starts? Maybe find a daycare where he would be so busy that he couldn't really run so wild? Will the daycare you found take your younger child without the older one to egg him on? Can you find a preschool placement for the younger child? Seems like separating them would be hard on you but maybe better for their behavior? Maybe a nanny/ babysitter who could give them lots of attention would be a better choice?

I would guess the angry outbursts are a product of stress and changes and ignore them.

I would probably try more preventative rather than reactive care in this case -- more time outside running around (park etc.) so that they have less time to get into mischief, more time with them so they feel secure, checking the basics like enough sleep and good food so they aren't acting out for those reasons.

Finally, I would tie any necessary discipline into natural and logical consequences as possible. For destroying things, the logical consequence is cleaning it up. But removing a toy really has no connection, so that wouldn't be the right response. But I honestly think you have more of an emotional problem than a discipline problem.

[CheapPearls]

I agree with the PP. It sounds like he's reacting (badly) to stress. Sorry but I have to run. I just wanted to give you a hug and I hope you get some good advice.

[MrsSurplus]

Is the behavior new since the move?

[swampangel]

Huge s, mama.

I agree with the above posters that this sounds like stress and emotional distress rather than discipline issues. Counseling would be top on my list.

Good luck with all of this...it sounds like you're in a really difficult and transitional time, but know that it is normal for children to act out like this. They don't have the emotional maturity to say "I'm having a hard time with all of these changes. I miss daddy. I wish you two stayed together." You might want to ask him how he feels about the divorce and your move. Just try to listen and validate whatever he says and label his feelings if he isn't able to himself.

Hang in there.

[anywaybecause]

Honestly, with as many changes as you've been through in the past year or so, your son is probably acting out because he is stressed. People handle stress in so many different ways. I would try to find a way to get both kid, but especially your 5-year old, into therapy. He needs an outlet that is safe, and he needs new, more acceptable ways to express his feelings. I know therapy is expensive, but maybe you can find a women's resource center that will help you find someone who charges on a sliding scale or something.

[Maggirayne]

Wow, I could not read and not send hugs and prayers. :

[Enudely]

i too, wish I had some good advice for you. I think more outside running around time is a terrific idea (though, it sounds like you have to work so I don't know how much of that you can do). It does sound like you're kids going through a rough time emotionally. I wonder if you could find a play therapist to work with him?