Papas teaching our little boys to be respectful yet strong

[sairy_gamp]

As respectful, inclusive and modern men, I know many of us have learned over the years how to find that balance between respect, cooperation and chivalry without sacrificing our own self respect, independence and strength in spirit. I work to instill these values in my boys - to be respectful of all children, regardless of gender, as equals. I hope they see my reationship with a strong woman (their mother) as a role model for their future

As men, I also think we have an inherently different way of approaching conflict than women, and might be prone to overcompensating for our innate authoritative/aggressive tendencies by sometimes giving up or being meek in the face of conflict.

And so... now we're at the age (almost 5) where some little girls among my oldest son's peers are acting "bossy" from time to time. On one hand, I'm anxious to have him continue to be respectful, cooperative and let the little silly things roll off his back. On the other hand, I believe it's also very important for him to assert himself and not to always prefer to roll over and bend to the will of others. It's a fine and shifting line between pragmatism and meekness, and I want to help him find it. But these are fine distinctions to be making to a 4 year old.

To this end, when I see assertive girls arbitrarily pushing away or excluding my son from using some piece of playground equipment or whatever, I try to coach him gently that it's OK to assert his rights when others are being unfair. I don't want him to be so nice that he's a pushover, in other words.

How do you guys approach this kind of situation with your young sons?

[Greg B]

This is very hard to discuss in specifics. The context of the situation, and ramifications of the different alternatives is important, in my opinion. Hypotheticals are easily misunderstood.

The short answer I can give is to do a variety of things. Model the way. Explain or debrief situations. Discuss alternatives. Intervene yourself, with the individual or her parent, when appropriate. Watch movies or read books that have the theme you are trying to relate. All at an age appropriate level of course, smile.

Regards

[akaisha]

hey dads, just wanted to poke my head in here to say that i was super impressed/happy when i saw this on new posts. it's a great topic, and a really important one. i'm glad it's being talked about. i think that as a society we're completely bent on little girls being able to achieve this kind of plurality (and rightfully so after what's gone on in the last, well...forever, regarding women in western culture), but we so often forget or outright ignore how it relates to little boys and that's a huge oversight.

just wanted to say, rock on!

[jighead]

My 4yo son is this happy-go-lucky, bright, compliant child that shares very well. In the face of conflict, he is not assertive and does not always adequately defend himself. On the other hand, my 3yo son's main way of dealing with frustration is this terrible face claw move, but he's also an ace at hitting, pinching, and tackling. The times when he is not the cause of conflict, he has no problems escalating to violence.

The sibling dynamic is this yin/yang hurricane where we're constantly reminding the 4yo to use his words to assert himself to his brother, and that's it's ok to use his 10lb weight advantage to free himself and get away from the physical attacks. Conversely, we're constantly reminding the 3yo to take turns and use his words to deal with his frustrations and not resort immediately to force. When we are in the social situations, the 4yo can get pulled around by older kids and I remind him that he can say "no" to them if he doesn't want to do what they are telling him to do, but he usually seems happy to be playing, so it's not a big deal at this point. And I need to keep a close eye on the 3yo so that he's not throwing sand, cutting in line, taking toys, or pestering kids that just don't want to play.

Heck, this weekend we were at the playground and there was an older girl that didn't really want to be around the "kids", and somehow my 3yo keyed in on this, and would just go play next to her. She would move somewhere else, and he would follow, just because he knew it was pushing her buttons. He didn't talk to her, didn't do anything "bad", but was just getting the rise by following her around. While I was chasing 3yo down to put a stop to that behavior, my 4yo, who knows better, dropped trow 10 feet from the playground a peed on a bush, even though he knows where the bathroom is. When I asked him why he did that, he said he saw I was busy with the 3yo and didn't know what to do. I told him he needs to interrupt for bathroom breaks, and it's not ok to pee at the playground. Sigh.

GregB's advice to model the behavior you expect from them is right on, and in my situation, since they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, it is so hard at times that I'm actually laughing at myself as I write this post. I have found that when I yell or use my voice forcefully when I'm frustrated, the kids model it immediately. Since they are at an age where they are exploring boundaries and seeing what happens when they find emotional buttons to push, it is impossible to make it through a full day with that calm, reasonable exterior completely in tact. It's a fine line to walk between assertive/aggressive and kind/meek, and I'll admit I don't get my own behavior right. A LOT.

One thing that I've noticed is that when the parents at the playground or library get along and are social, the kids get along and work through conflict much more easily. When the parents are in their separate corners, or only focus on their own kids, the children's social interactions follow that and conflicts seem more awkward and difficult. So if you can set up play dates, or get into a rhythm with parents you can relate to, your kids may have an easier time managing those situations, because they will be in a safe social situation that sets a good example. When I take my kids to the playground, I usually formulate a plan B so if the scene is only going to test some of those limits and exhaust all three of us, we can move on to something else pretty quickly.

[Nodtveidt]

I don't have a son yet (two girls so far, we're going to try for a son next and my wife hopes he looks like her!), but when I do, the most important lessons I feel he needs to learn are how to be a respectful, honest man but knowing when to defend yourself regardless of who's on the other side. Gender does not play a role when it comes to agression, and all too often I see parents teaching their daughters to exploit the fact that they're female to hurt boys. I will never, ever teach this kind of behavior to my daughters and neither will my wife. And when I do have a son, I will teach him to look out for and defend himself against girls who use this form of exploitation. I will also never teach my daughters to play the victim card...they will be taught to be strong just like a son is taught to be strong.