3 yr old hurting/throwing, starting nursery school soon...what do i do?

[mayaandx]

We have had some upsetting incidents recently with my son hitting, pulling hair, or otherwise trying to hurt children who want to take away toys from him while he is playing with them. Over 6 months it's happened about a half dozen times, mostly in situations where he doesn't know the children he is playing with well, but a few minor incidents happened with a good friend, too. The last time (and the worst) was a playgroup with two other children who were in our parent/child class, who he didn't know that well. We decided to continue meeting over the summer so they would be familiar to each other when nursery school starts in Sept.

He was at A's house, playing quietly with one of her toys, when she came up and tried to grab it. First they scuffled over it. Then he pulled her hair. I separated them then, apologized to her, and after he sort of kept trying to go after her, I brought him outside and stayed with him for awhile to cool off. When we came back in about 10 minutes later, A's mom started a new game. It worked for about 2 minutes. Then, out of the blue, my son threw a plastic pail at A's head and gave her a big bump.

I told her I was sorry, showed my son her distress, but then was at a loss what to do. I told him it would be nice to say sorry, and he ran up and said some nonsensical thing to A and ran away. She screamed about 15 minutes, and then we left. I was so embarassed and angry, I lost it and screamed at him, though I tried to cool off before speaking in the car (we had an hour drive!). I said he should never hurt anyone again--being angry is ok, but hurting isn't, etc. I felt also he needed to see A's and my honest reactions.

I'm really upset and anxious about this, especially because he is starting nursery school next month, and I am afraid it will happen at school. I feel like he is ready in terms of separating, but maybe he is not in terms of social skills? One of the things I WANT him to learn at school are social skills, since he doesn't have much experience with other kids in this dept. (We moved 3 times last year, and I tried a lot of different playgroups in a short time when we finally bought our house, and I think it was too much for him, so I backed off).

Scuffling over toys must be normal in preschools. But if your child has gone further to protect his turf, how has it been handled by your child's teacher? Other kids seem to scuffle as much as he does, my son just seems more adept at hurting them somehow-- this last time he kind of went after the other girl.

Also, if this has happened to you, how have you gotten your child to stop hitting? I really am leary of time-outs because I don't want to reject him, but I have done it out of desperation in the past, and am wondering if I should try that again, at home, at least. But I won't be there to watch and handle it at school.

Secondarily, I'm wondering if I should I get him to try to play again with A to get over their tiff, or will that be making too big a deal of it (though I certainly made a big deal out of it when it happened).

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks!
Maya

[Twocoolboys]

I have many thoughts on this because I have dealt with the same thing with my older two boys. First, let me say that my now 9 year old did this when he was in the 2-4 age range. So, I know that kids outgrow it and that makes me feel better about my current preschoolers issue.

I have learned many things about this - it is an impulsive behavior and it is VERY hard for kids of this age to control that impulse to hit when they are angry. It is something that takes a bit to outgrow. Also, it is so important to validate your son's feelings about the toy being grabbed from him. While it is not okay that he pulled hair/hit in retaliation, it is also not ok that she grabbed the toy from him. I think this is a big problem in kids of this age interatacting with each other. Everyone always gets so upset with the hitter, when he really was just defending himself. His feelings need validation as well. I'm curious, but was the other mom in the situation you described trying to get her dd to apologize to your son? I would drop the forced apology for sure. To him, he was wronged AND he is being forced to apologize, adding fuel to his anger, I'm sure.

I say all that in the nicest way because I have been the mom of the kid who hits in response to someone grabbing a toy from him and I have myself reacted more negatively towards my kid and treated the other as a victim. Totally forgetting to validate my kid's feelings. I now handle these situations much more calmly. Seperate the kids, remind my son that he's not supposed to hit and don't make a big deal out of it. Things seem to be improving for us, but my ds is 4 now and I am seeing him grow out of it as his coping skills develop. I'm also asking him to help come up with other solutions, but I'm not sure that is something he could have done a year ago.

About preschool - I enrolled him in preschool last year and ended up having to pull him out because he just wasn't ready. This was one of the reasons and his teacher did not handle it well. She was making the situation worse because she was punishing him excessively (time outs, not letting him go outside, etc.). I could see that she was getting too angry with him and not even trying to make a connection with him in any other way. The final straw was when I came to pick him up one day and she very angrily told me that a girl had grabbed a toy from him and he hit her. The teacher did nothing to address the girls behavior (which was a repeat problem), so my 3 year old felt like he had to defend himself since he was getting no help from anyone. I should have pulled him out sooner. He is NOT going back to that school this year.

[brendaziz]

I def agree with the last poster. Be sure to address both sides of the issue. I too have found myself getting very angry with my "hitter" when I know that he was very upset about what was done to him, but it is easy to get swept up in how those around you react as well. A few weeks ago we were at a group and ds was building a tower about 3 ft tall with some blocks and had been working on it for about 30 minutes. Another girl came over and knocked it down and he took the block that was in his hand and hit her with it in reaction. The gasps in the room were enough to make me want to crawl in a hole- yet the little girl got hugs and kisses and my son got glances of dissaproval. Yes- he should not have hit her- he knows these things in his head and he felt very bad about it and apologized and even brought her a toy to play with after because he felt so bad. But all everyone remembered of the situation was that he hit someone. It would feel great if everyone could always look at it from each person's point of view- because each child is important- whether they're the hitter/biter/hair puller or the one being hit/bit/pulled on.

I would talk to the preschool teacher/director and find out how specifically they handle issues of behavioral problems. If it is not in a way that you are comfortable then definitely find a place that youa re comfortable with or keep him home until you feel that he has the capability to resist his immediate urges most of the time. You hear so much about the terrible 2s but I have to say that for me, 3 was much worse. Not to scare you or anything :-) but just so you know that it will get better over time, and it does not mean that your child is progressively going to get worse behaviorally. He will improve over time if you are consistent in talking with him about what is appropriate and what is not and keep the conversational lines open always. The day those shut down is a bad day!

[j924]

I just wanted to second a pp who said you should definitely find out what the preschool's way of dealing with agression. Your child is going through a completely normal developmental phase and it sounds like (even though some understandable frustration has come in) you are working very hard to handle this gently. Make sure his new teachers are on board.
I have a small in house daycare/preschool and I can say first hand that time out and the like do very little to stop hitting. My first line of defense is redirection for both kids. "There seems to be a lot of grabbing and throwing of blocks. Child A maybe you can try the play dough table. Child B your favorite puzzle is open." If that doesn't work, I have the child shadow me. That way I am always close enough to intercept the blows.
You are so right that socialization is the biggest part of preschool. Make sure your child is being socialized the way you want. When this phase ends, which it will, he won't remember much of it, but he will remember a mommy who stood up for him and taught him how to go through conflict gently.

[mayaandx]

Wow, mamas!

Wow, what amazing responses. I was up literally half the night last night, stressed and upset about all of this, and feeling like that I had somehow failed my child, confused about whether to get harsher because in the moment I can't think of another way. I reread some of raising our children, raising ourselves...and got a light bulb that xavier was not feeling supported in his sense of injustice. no, he didn't finesse the response, but it's true that the other children cross HIS boundaries first. to not validate his anger and frustration, but only blame him for his reaction, wasn't leading me to help him in the right way. then it just keeps getting compounded and he got sort of stuck in his response of aggression. today we avoided some potential problems with my looking carefully to see what was happening, and kind of "speaking up" for Xavier and asking him what he would like to have happen, when others crossed his boundaries. i think he saw i was really trying to protect HIM, and not worrying about what others were thinking. while it might be harder to have equanimity if he hurts someone, and to worry about what others think, i really have kind of shifted my role in this. also i am trying to see him not as a bad kid, but a good kid who just is learning a difficult thing, and needs support.

what i'm reading from all of you really confirms my own internal experience of what has been happening, and the solutions i am moving towards. i think he needs to heal and for me to earn his trust in me more. i just hope we can make some movement forward in the few weeks before school starts, to heal.

thank you all for your insightful responses. i really appreciate them.
maya

[Bleu]

It is helpful for toy snatchers to learn how their peers feel about that. My son was all about snatching toys from the neighborkid, who would clock him every time. He never hit, but he would sure elicit hitting. Soon he figured out that toy-snatching wasn't really the friendly overture he thought it was.

I agree with the posters above who pointed out that toy-snatching and building-destroying are incursions, too... but hurting other people is different. The reason people act like it's a big deal is because it is a big deal. I think it's perfectly correct to hammer home the "Hands are not for hitting," "You may never hurt someone's body," etc. before getting to the niceties of toy allocation. By the same token, I have a policy of no one profiting by ill-gotten gain. IOW, snatch a toy, you have to give it back until a peaceful handover can be negotiated.

So it's totally appropriate to intercede and give your ds the words he needs to address the toy-snatching without hitting. "It's still my turn," "You can have it when I'm done," or even "NO!" are all better than hitting. They communicate his intentions very clearly.

[mayaandx]

hurting people isn't acceptable, but neither is snatching. i'm not going to come down hard on my son and ignore what the other child did anymore. of course i have to intercede and i have, but that crucial piece of fairness and acknowledgement was missing.

a toddler's hitting in that instance is without malice, just a physical expression of his wanting his toy back and that boundary being crossed. the snatching is without malice too, but the response to the situation must be fair, and it hasn't been. what the other posters were agreeing (being on the other side of the fence from you) is that often the original infraction is ignored. the pre-verbal child who has responded physically to his boundary being physically crossed is demonized.

my son isn't bad and has no bad intentions, and he is learning. in heated situations, he is not like an adult who can "use his words." that's easy for me to say, but he isn't able to do that yet without more modeling from me. and that is what i was talking about. i'm making sure that no one's boundaries will be crossed.

[tankgirl73]

Personally, I think that 3yo's are too young for "school" no matter how 'mature' their social skills are.

And, that kids learn social skills from observing and interacting with more mature adults and older kids, not from a huge gaggle of other 3yo's!! Kids learn by example, from absorbing observed behaviour, by imitation. Expecting a class of 3yo's to somehow learn social skills by imitating each other all day long is like the blind leading the blind. It also takes them *out* of more useful social situations where they're actually involved with a variety of ages and more mature social examples.

JMHO, but I do think it's one of the biggest "myths" out there about institutionalized schooling... "Getting along with peers" is such a tiny, tiny part of "socialization" and is more of a *result* of social maturity rather than a way to bring about social maturity.

Read "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" for an excellent discussion of why this is so.