What do I say to a friend that quit?

[mrsdocmartin]

So, I just feel sick about this, and no one understands. Everyone I know just says "It's not your baby, why do you care?". But I care so much! My good friend had her baby June 17. She was doing AWESOME at BFing. I gave her a BF basket for her shower and babe was nursing constantly, and she kept it up anyway. I was really proud because she is a person who gives up really easily. I called her a lot and she called with questions and it was great. Then she got a stomach flu of some kind and the doc prescribed some meds that according to her (she's a nurse) she couldn't take while BFing. I'm not sure if that was actually the case, or if the doc was just trying to be ultra cautious. So, she gave him formula and pumped and dumped for like 3 days. Then they went back to nursing and I thought she was doing great. Now a mutual friend told me that she's EPing and giving him half BM half formula with the intent to go all formula when she goes back to work. He'll be 12 weeks! I know she's been avoiding me and she didn't call me for advice (she called the mutual friend who isn't even a mom!) because she didn't want advice. She wanted someone to say, "It's ok, go ahead and quit". So, when I do talk to her and she tells me, what should I say?? I don't want to lie and act like i think it is fine, but I don't want to come across totally judgmental either. WDYT?

[liz-hippymom]

i totally understand. i am in the same boat as you with two different friends right now! it just kills me. honestly, i dont think one of the friendships will continue. the other is a firendship born out of forced contact (my stepson's birthmom) so i will have to figure out a way to be friendly.
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[wednesday]

I'd be glad her baby got some BM for 12 weeks. Especially with her going back to work. Pumping is a gigantic PITA and I know exactly one person IRL besides myself who made it work long-term. And I was only able to do it because I had a private office and pretty minimal expectations as far as work productivity.

[SheBear]

Maybe simply, "oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope everything goes well for the baby."

It shows concern, doesn't judge her reasons (doesn't even make her reasons an issue), but doesn't just gloss over the issue like it's no big deal, either. Wow, what a hard place to be in. I was in the same place with my sister a couple years ago, and it was very difficult to find the headspace necessary to be able to understand her decision and deal with it compassionately. Esp. since my younger son was about the same age as her ds...it was very emotionally charged for me, and we pretty much had to tacitly agree to not mention it. ever. again.

In the end, she is my sister, I love her, I support her as my sister even if I don't agree with all her choices, and she is a good mama, breastfeeding aside. I was able to find peace by compartmentalizing the issue, if that makes sense. I hope you find peace with your friend's decision, too!

[TexasMum]

I am going through the same thing. She says she doesnt have enough milk. This is her first baby. The baby latches and nurses but because she only pumps 2 oz at a time, she has decided its not enough and is switching to formula completely. She is on this whole idea you have to feed on a time schedule and she has been nursing every 4 hours only! I wouldn't have been able to establish a milk supply at that rate either. I give up. It's like she comes to me for some advice but it goes in one ear and out the other.

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by SheBear

Maybe simply, "oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope everything goes well for the baby."

Yeah, that.

Honestly, I'd be more upset that my friend decided not to talk to me--I'd be more upset that my friend (possibly) thought I was going to be so judgemental that she didn't trust me enough to talk to. If she's a nurse, she'll probably be away from her child 12-16 hours a day, and that's a whole lot of pumping to ask of someone who may not even get that time off (nursing's a busy busy field of work).

I would say something like SheBear said and then try to be as supportive as possible, if not for this choice, for the fact that she will have to leave her very young baby for such long hours every day--that couldn't be easy for her, I'd imagine. If she feels comfortable with donor milk, you could offer to pump for her to fill in the "gaps" if thinks she can't pump enough to meet her baby's needs while she's working.

[turtlewomyn]

Originally Posted by wednesday

I'd be glad her baby got some BM for 12 weeks. Especially with her going back to work. Pumping is a gigantic PITA and I know exactly one person IRL besides myself who made it work long-term. And I was only able to do it because I had a private office and pretty minimal expectations as far as work productivity.

Pumping is a real PITA. I did pump for DD's first year, and she is still nursing and almost three. I didn't even have an office (a cubicle) for her entire first year, but I made it work by going out to my car to pump. It was not an easy situation, and while I was rabid about it and made it work, I would not expect others to do the same, esp. if they have long shifts and non-understanding supervisors.

If she wanted to continue nursing I am sure she would have come to you for advice. I try to support my friends in their choices, even if they aren't the choices that I would make for myself.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

Honestly, I'd be more upset that my friend decided not to talk to me--I'd be more upset that my friend (possibly) thought I was going to be so judgemental that she didn't trust me enough to talk to.

Exactly.

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by turtlewomyn

If she wanted to continue nursing I am sure she would have come to you for advice. I try to support my friends in their choices, even if they aren't the choices that I would make for myself.

ITA. You sound like a good friend.

[annettemarie]

I am going to close this thread, as it is outside the scope of the Lactivism forum. The purpose of the forum is to promote breastfeeding. Personal growth would probably be the best place work through issues involved in negotiating a friendship with someone who has made different choices than you.

From the Lactivism Guidelines:

The Lactivism forum is not intended to be a place where MDCers to bash mothers who are formula feeding. It is understandable that lactivists become frustrated over the mainstream formula feeding culture. Criticizing ideas, campaigns, and actions that negatively impact breastfeeding are all acceptable forms of lactivism. Name calling, criticizing individuals, or attacking women who choose to formula feed as a group are not.

I'll keep this here, though, because there are some very wise words. And it would be appropriate to start a thread not about a specific individual, but exploring our feelings and responses as breastfeeding advocates when friends make choices that differ from our own.