3.5 year old twins whining, fighting, fussing, just not getting along

[eden/averymum]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

they are trying me

I'm sure it's developmentally normal. (right?)

I have never used punishment or rewards with them but life isn't working now.

just talking and roll playing about behaviour isn't getting us anywhere

I have tried time outs for the violent acts (pinching and pushing mostly with occasional bites and smacks) but it seems really ineffectual (been doing it a few months with no apparent impact)

I need a plan. dh will be on board with anything I suggest.

I am starting to wonder if positive reinforcement, star charts...something like this can help?

I am so frustrated, I am raising my voice and getting to snappy with them. that isn't how I want to be but I'm so frazzled, I need a better way to deal with them.

please!!! I need some like minded mamas to give me some creative suggestions!

[kacymoose]

I don't have any great advice about how to get to stop. When my twins were 3, they would be playing together nicely for a while - then all of a sudden a fight would break out. I guess I have just accepted that the fights are going to happen. They have to be around each other all the time and there is no way they are going to be able to get along together all the time. I'm an adult, and I can't even get along with my DH all the time - and he is gone 50+ hours a week. So I view the fighting as an immature reaction to conflict. It isn't bad, they just haven't developed better skills yet. I'm pretty low-key in handling the fighting. I comfort who ever is hurt. I give them the opportunity to each tell me what happen. I try to validate their feelings. If they are receptive, I talk about what they could have done differently.

I think having a plan in place for how to react when hitting/hurting occurs is very helpful in controlling your own feelings. I don't think you can really stop the fighting because it is impossible to control another human being.

I have noticed that the fighting happens less and less as they get older. When they were 2, I couldn't leave them alone at all without something happening. When they were 3, they could play for an hour or so before a fight would occur. These days, they can play for several hours before getting into a fight. Many days, there are no injuries.

[Red Pajama]

I am in that boat with you. My twins are 3.5 too. We have good days, and then there are days when they wake up angry at each other. With my boys, I've noticed things get much worse if they are tired. We've given up naps, so that means we're tired frequently. In general, they will play together well for awhile, but if things get bad and don't improve after a story time break or snack, or some other change in routine, I send them to opposite sides of the room with books for a break from each other. I also stress to them that I will not allow them to hurt each other. That's something I'll give time out for.