I'll hit you

[transformed]

Advise me mamas!

We have some stress in our family, and I am being understanding, but it doesn't excuse the behaviors that are going on in the family.

Here is what happened today, and this is common, happening almost every single day right now. (For about the last couple of months.)

Does something happen at 5, developmentally? Hormones?

Ds 5: spilled a drink on the floor
daddy: got angry/sighed, frustrated
me: tried to diffuse it by saying "Its ok, it was an accident, I'll help you find a towel to clean it up."
ds5: refused to clean it up
me: I was able to get him to willingly clean it up by being gentle with him, and he took the towel to the laundry pile.

Then he started thrashing the towel around and I asked him "Are you feeling frustrated? Why?" and he responded "I'll hit you." and he laughed and threatened me a couple of more times. :

How do you respond to that? Its happening like all.the.time.

He also starts hitting me and threatening me first thing in the morning. And when we spend an entire day together on a :date" then too. I have made several occasions to have it be just the 2 of us and have been really trying that angle (The angle of "poor little guy, he is so attention deprived and needs us!") That angle doesn't seem to be working. (And My other kids are feeling the lack now! I can't let the whole world revolve around the 5 yr old - I have to have some kind of balance.)

The part 2 of this is that We are moving out of state, away from his grandma and grandpas, to a new town, school(even though we had planned on hs'ing) and I know that is hard on a little guy. But he is such a little guy and just lives so much in the "present" that its hard to get down on his level and talk to him about it. Like, if I know he is acting out because of stress related to the circumstances and I get down to talk to him, its like this: "What are you mad about?" or "are you scared of moving?" him: "I'm just mad because I want a peanut butter and jelly" or "I'm just mad because I am not tired and I dont want to go to bed." (At like 12:00 at night, he has said this to me. He has no concept of "tiredness")

So its hard to really talk with him about his feelinggs because he only experiences "now." (We should all be so blessed! )

Thanks ladies!

ETA: I know its important to understand and empathize with his feelings but how do I do that while not allowing him to threaten me/hurt me? Eta that because Often it seems like this board is like "Well if his cup is full, he wont act like that!" And I just really really really get that belief but if his cup isnt full, and he IS acting like that, what do I do RIGHT NOW. I do not think my kids cups will ever be full man....well maybe when they are older and I am not sleep deprived and taking care of so many little little ones.

[Talula Fairie]

I am not all that well versed in gentle discipline techniques (hence reading this forum), but what I would do in this situation is explain that hitting hurts people, and that it is not allowed. When he threatens, say, "We do not hit. It hurts people when we hit others. It's also not nice to tell someone you are going to hit them."

I don't know how you feel about time outs, but when my kids hit, they get a short time out (I'm talking like two to five minutes). Then, when their time out is over, I explain to them again that hitting is not ok, that it hurts others, and I ask them to say sorry. They almost always do and usually this diffuses the situation. Part of the reason why I decided to do time outs is that I was raised in an abusive household and when I get angry or frustrated my first instinct is to hit. So I do it to teach them boundaries, as a gentle punishment, and also so that I can take a minute to cool off. HTH.

Also, some of the questions you are asking him I don't think a 5 year old can accurately answer. Like I honestly think with kids that young, they don't *know* why they are upset. Just like he doesn't realize when he is tired. With my kids, I started doing VERY regular scheduled naps and bedtimes. Even if they lay in bed and wiggle and are awake for an eternity, I always put them down at the same time every day. It has helped IMMENSELY in their behavior.

[kacymoose]

Maybe saying "I'll hit you" is his way of saying "I don't like what is going on" I think it is important to look beyond what he is saying, and look at the feelings behind it.

I don't know if it is helpful to ask if he is frustrated or why are he is frustrated. He might not be able to put it into words. Sometimes an observation can lead to helping him examine his feelings. Maybe like "You are really thrashing the towel around." or "That seems like some angry towel thrashing".

I see that this isn't the kind of advice you are looking for, but I don't think there is any quick fix to get a kid to stop an inappropriate reaction.

With the hitting you first thing it the morning, I think I would say something like "You seem so angry, you want to hit me" and step away where he can't hurt me. If he keeps threatening or hitting, I would keep responding to him in a similar fashion "You must really be upset to want to hurt me so badly" and not say much else but try to remain close so he can work through his feelings.

In a calm time, try talking to him about some ways to release tension/anger/frustration that don't involve hitting.

[jillmamma]

DS went through a phase like that at 4, when he would say "hit mommy!" a lot when angry/frustrated. I started ignoring the words and just help him through the frustration, and eventually he quit. I think at first he kept saying it because he got a rise out of me. Once I quit reacting so strongly, he quit saying it so much. Maybe if he says that, you could reply with, "Man, I bet you are frustrated because xxx. How about you hit the pillow or give me a high 5 instead?" That helps my sweet boy.

[mayaandx]

We have a 3 year old and were/are dealing with something similar, but things are getting better. I think a feeling of helplessness was involved with ours, and the acting out was his clumsy attempt to resolve his feelings. Maybe something similar is happening in your case? Play can offer a chance to regain his feeling of power, and work out issues. It's therapeutic. Play games where he is bossing you or chasing you or whatever (but follow his lead there).

I highly recommend Naomi Aldort's website and book, Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves. Really helps you see what your mental self-talk is doing to make you react the way you do, and also goes into great detail on validating, and how to let your child be who he is, protect that and nurture it. Sometimes what we try to make sound like validating can be manipulative or challenging, or we can be completely wrong in thinking we know what he is feeling (So ask if you can ask, and then make it a question)...Say yes as much as possible, if it doesn't cross your boundaries. Hearing what he's feeling doesn't mean you'll always do what he wants, either, just that you can see his reaction.
Best of luck--
Maya

[Sage_SS]

Hmm...

If he said that me to me I say, "Really? Do you want to hurt me? Because that would hurt me if you hit me, plus I'd be really, really sad that you'd want to hurt me"

Kids say stuff to get a reaction, they behave in certain ways to test their boundaries. So give him a reaction, just maybe not the one he would expect.

I have found this to be extremely efficient in parenting my daughters. I try to take the emotion out of their actions and help them to see the damage their words and actions can do. I work on the emotions taking backward baby steps.
"What happened?"
"Well, why would she do that?"
"Oh, what did you say to her?"
"And that hurt her feelings and she reacted like you did"

etc...

[mamaduck]

From the one example you gave, I would say that he is needing something from his Daddy right now.

Sometimes the best thing is really to step back, give some space, and observe for a while.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

From the one example you gave, I would say that he is needing something from his Daddy right now.

Sometimes the best thing is really to step back, give some space, and observe for a while.

Yeah, like he needs Daddy to be living here. Daddy hasnt been here like 30 out of the last 34 days due to his job. We are in the process of relocating so daddy doesnt have to work at his job anymore.

But this need isn't going to be easily met right now.

We do see an end in sight though. Thank God for that.


I LOVE the suggestions!!!! :Especially the one where he gets to be the boss. Man. Its humbling to be amongst such smart mamas.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by mayaandx

I highly recommend Naomi Aldort's website and book, Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Indeed, this article is one I come back to time and time again...

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles4.html

Your son is hurting. A big transition is about to take place and he feels it strongly. He also has no control over it. This is about power. He doesn't have any, and he needs some terribly. In the article it talks about finding those places where kids CAN take control and giving it to them fully, enthusiastically. Play can be a very powerful tool toward this end.

Is there something in his play that you can tap into, something about the move either directly or indirectly? Look for things there where you can step in and support and facilitate a healing process... drawing pictures of the old house, or taking pictures of special places and making a book about his old home, etc. Look for things he might be doing that may be his way of gaining control and see if you can't relax and even "blow it up" for him, give him the power to administer his own "therapy" so to speak by playing along. The article explains this better than I can but I use this method a lot and I can tell you, it's so helpful in restoring good feelings between my DS and I which makes all the difference. He is also one to go to "punchiness" in the face of fear, anger, frustration, and disappointment so I have some idea of how you're feeling right now. DS is getting to a place where he can discuss he feelings rather well, but play still seems the best way for him to really let things out with me...

We moved last year and it went fairly well. One thing I did NOT do was try to make the new place seem better than the old. DS was very offended by this and hung on even tighter. I listened when he spoke of home (old) and validated his feelings. When he spoke in an unsure way about our new home, I listened and validated. When he spoke excitedly, I listened and validated and didn't become TOO excited because I wanted him to know that in any case, his feelings were valid... and if tomorrow he was back to being upset, that was ok. When he took handfuls of gravel from the old driveway upon leaving for the new house, I found the nearest container and told him to scoop away, etc. All in all, the move was smooth. DS transitioned very well and still speaks fondly of his old home, but also fondly of our new home.

The best to you and hang in there. Moving is hard and I imagine that it's really at the heart of what is going on for you and your DS. I would take as much time as possible to connect with your DS in ways that are meaningful for him. For us, a day out together is lovely and fun, but nothing means so much as me plopping down and playing what he wants to play, letting him take the lead, letting him boss me around, etc. These are the places where I see what is going on for him and where he shows me how to help.

Good luck with your move.
Em