How to handle toddler's aggression toward infant?

[eastkygal]

DD1 has never displayed any kind of jealousy toward DD2 until recently. She has recently smacked her in the face and bit her leaving a mark. Just today, she put her hands around her neck, and tried to bounce her out of the bed. She has never been aggressive to peers or us, and she hasn't seen any of this kind of aggression that I am aware of. I don't know where this is coming from, or how to discipline this. I have to protect my baby.

[Enudely]

just reading your post because I'll have two of my own soon, so I'm not the most experienced. All I can think of is don't let them alone together even for a second and talk your older dd's ear off about giving the baby gentle touches. Also, maybe setting some special time aside for your older one?

[Blucactus]

Sigh. We had that problem for months. Once the baby was up getting into DS1's "stuff", there was aggression. There was hitting with hands, with objects, grabbing things, pushing over, etc. It was horrible. It made me SO MAD at my toddler too. I don't know why it eventually ended, but while it was going on, I started out redirecting him every time: It is not ok to hit, we don't hit in this family (repeat ad nauseum). I tried to make sure I spent enough time & attention with DS1, didn't 'blame' things on the baby, supervised them like a hawk, and made sure I redirected when I realized that DS1's temper and frustration were escalating. This went on for.ev.er. It was so exhausting. He kept being violent to the baby and started hitting me too. I started putting him in his room with the baby gate up and telling him he could come out when he was ready to treat people the right way and I was keeping the baby safe from him and myself too when he was smacking me. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but just saying "don't hit the baby" and trying to head it off didn't work. I hope I don't get flamed here for what I did. The problem was he really loves the baby and wanted to be able to play with him, so being put in his room and losing the chance to play with baby was a good motivation for him. We worked on sharing objects, I made sure he knew he could ask for my help in justice when they were playing, and we talked constantly about an APPROPRIET way to express anger/frustration (slamming doors, stomping feet, hitting inadament objects, yelling in general) (NOT ok ways that we had to advise against were hitting brother, mommy, the cat, breaking things, throwing objects, spitting on the floor --lol--etc). Anyway, that's been our journey over here. He doesn't do it anymore, he just gradually did it less till he stopped, so I hope the same for you.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by Blucactus

I started putting him in his room with the baby gate up and telling him he could come out when he was ready to treat people the right way and I was keeping the baby safe from him and myself too when he was smacking me. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but just saying "don't hit the baby" and trying to head it off didn't work. I hope I don't get flamed here for what I did.

No flaming, but I did want to pull it out and emphasize that, especially long term, this is not the best way to do it. Better than hitting, maybe better than yelling, but it's forcing a disconnect between the older child and both the parent/younger sibling. It's likely that the older child will feel that it's the younger child's "fault" and that the relationship between him (the older child) and the parent is in danger (a terrifying fear at that age) and will react with not only more violence and resentment, but *sneakier* violence and resentment.

I would suggest doing something that goes against your grain when this happens - concentrate on the child being "violent". Children aren't that complicated, but often their reason for doing something is not obvious. When a child goes after the sibling, it is sometimes because the younger one took the toy. Or sometimes the younger child even touching the toy sets off something that's been building in the older child - touching the toy/being in the way/"always getting everything" is simply the catalyst for action because of something else that's been building.(like feeling left out, not paid attention to, unloved). It might also be something as simple as their reserves are low from being tired/hungry/overwhelmed. Does that make sense?

So when the older child attacks the baby, make sure the baby is physically ok, say something to the younger child (like "___ didn't mean to hurt you, she's just feeling sad/angry/hungry/whatever") that places no judgment on the older child but lets them know that you're thinking of the younger child, and then turn to the older child and work with them - kindly. Really try to get at the root of the problem. Hug them if they'll let you - this is as much for helping your state of mind as theirs (it is *so* hard when you are in momma bear mode about your youngest).

We don't say things like "We don't hit in this family" because, well, obviously "we" do - the hitting just happened and the one who did the hitting is very much part of the family, so that statement can easily (especially by my very sensitive older daughter) be heard as "...so you're not part of this family". What we do say is "Everyone in this family needs to feel safe." That covers just about any physical action that is not desired in our family. And they get that statement.

Have you read Naomi Aldort's Raising our children, Raising ourselves? I think you'd like it - it's a step past "Gentle Discipline". It's a wonderful book that would help you relate to your child in these situations, I think.

Good luck. : Times when one child brings out the momma bear in you to protect the other child are not easy, but the way you deal with them (especially the one who brought it out) is important in your relationship with them.

ETA: "personal" experience - one of my close friends had a third baby when her second was three years old. She was still nursing the second one, so that helped ease the transition, but when the baby was around six months old, all h*ll broke loose. It escalated from soft smacking and pinching to hard hitting to kicking and finally, right beside her, with her guarding her baby, he body slammed him. She stopped everything else she'd been trying (time outs, yelling, sending him over to his grandmother's house) and just hugged him. Then she had her mom come over and take care of the baby and older son for a half hour while she snuggled with the second child (who she was wanting to strangle instead of snuggle with) and read books with him. It took two weeks and a lot of fear on her part that she was reinforcing the behavior by "rewarding" him. She wasn't rewarding him. She realized what the acting out was about (he was getting little parental attention - his mom was preoccupied with baby and his dad was out of town for weeks at a time on business) and was acting in the best interests of *all* of her children. Her children have a normal sibling relationship now - mostly happy, sometimes squabbly, sometimes cuddly.

[eastkygal]

thank you for the suggestions. I definitely need a discipline book as I have never read one and I'm losing it really. I feel like 75% of the interaction between me and DD1 is negative now. Also, it is blowing my mind that she is doing this stuff when I'm holding the baby or right in the room and close by.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by eastkygal

it is blowing my mind that she is doing this stuff when I'm holding the baby or right in the room and close by.

I think that's a really clear signal that it's not about the baby, it's about her relationship with *you*. It's so hard for the little ones when someone else is in the picture getting all of their attention. Remove as many 'no's as you can from her life and really focus on her. Good luck.

[whalemilk]

But sometimes taking away "nos" is just not feasible. I don't think physically separating siblings during a moment of aggression is un-gentle at all.

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by whalemilk

But sometimes taking away "nos" is just not feasible. I don't think physically separating siblings during a moment of aggression is un-gentle at all.

Absolutely. That's why I said to remove as many as possible. It just takes some of the tension away out of the parent/child relationship so that you have more to work with when there's an issue.

I don't think physically separating the siblings is a bad thing at all. I just think that it's worth it to rethink the usual "punish the instigator" way of handling it. Remember, the instigator is also a child that the parent loves very much and has (usually) as, if not more, pressing needs than the infant. It's very easy to let momma bear take over and thoughts of "But they have to *learn*" scare you into treating the older child in an un-gentle way (i.e. forced separation from the parent - time-out).

I'm not sure if that was un-clear. I have a toddler climbing on me.

[pishajane]

Originally Posted by Niamh

Absolutely. That's why I said to remove as many as possible. It just takes some of the tension away out of the parent/child relationship so that you have more to work with when there's an issue.

I don't think physically separating the siblings is a bad thing at all. I just think that it's worth it to rethink the usual "punish the instigator" way of handling it. Remember, the instigator is also a child that the parent loves very much and has (usually) as, if not more, pressing needs than the infant. It's very easy to let momma bear take over and thoughts of "But they have to *learn*" scare you into treating the older child in an un-gentle way (i.e. forced separation from the parent - time-out).

I'm not sure if that was un-clear. I have a toddler climbing on me.

Thanks for this... i am having a lot of trouble w/ my 2yo DD hurting my 7mo DS. I'm pretty sure she does it to get MY attention, or to stop him from getting her books n stuff. It's hard to remember that underneath the aggression is a scared and confused little girl, who is just trying to figure out her place and her power.