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Things not to say to your infertile (or struggling to conceive) friends

post #1 of 98
Thread Starter 
  • Oh, just go pick up a guy in a bar and get it over with!
  • Sucks to be you! Don't get another cat or anything! Ha! Ha ha!
  • It's no big deal. turtle can just get pregnant instead of you!
  • Have you tried relaxing?

All things friends have said to me over the course of turtle and me trying to get me pregnant.

Add YOUR favorite, ridiculously insensitive comments!
post #2 of 98
post #3 of 98
"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

post #4 of 98
Thread Starter 
Kate, those are my FAVORITE, particularly when they're addressed to a single woman or a woman with a female partner. :
post #5 of 98
Frog.

I shared these recently on a thread in fert. You can tell from them that I am SO from CA.

"Maybe you are attracting this as a life lesson to you to teach you something."
"Have you ever thought about adoption?" (no gee what's that?)
"You should adopt because Charlotte on Sex and the City couldn't get pregnant and she adopted and got pregnant!" (WTF, it's fiction)
"Maybe it has something to do with your past life karma."
post #6 of 98
Thread Starter 
OMG, poet. That first one is both hilarious and heart-breaking.
post #7 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by poetgirl View Post
Frog.

I shared these recently on a thread in fert. You can tell from them that I am SO from CA.

"Maybe you are attracting this as a life lesson to you to teach you something."
"Maybe it has something to do with your past life karma."
I can't believe someone was that insensitive
post #8 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by poetgirl View Post
Frog.


"Maybe you are attracting this as a life lesson to you to teach you something."
I had someone recently ask me this after I miscarried for the second time. She told me I needed to meditate and ask why this was happening. After all there must me a life lesson in my low progesterone levels.
post #9 of 98
I hope it is ok for me to post. Although I am not actively TTC, I lived w/infertility for so long I understand the pp’s comments.

These may be a little different since they relate to people who are TTC and who have chosen not to have children, but they really hurt/angered me. My husband and I were together a long time before we took medical steps to TTC, so many people weren’t sure if there were medical problems or if we chose not to have children. (I didn't wear a sign!) Because I knew from a young age I probably would never conceive, we were accepting of the fact we may never have children, in some ways I related to people who choose not to have children.

-Several times friends mentioned that we ‘hated children’. If I mentioned our medical difficulties, they would say ‘oh, that is different’ - As if, people who choose not to have kids actually hate children.

-We were told it was a good thing we didn’t have children because we were so stuck in our ways and too particular about our house.

-Several comments were made about how our priorities were wrong since we would rather have things/careers/money than children. Once again…just because you make money and don’t/can’t have children doesn’t mean your priority is money over children!

-Anything that made fun of childless people and their pets. Our dogs were, and still are, a big part of our family. Maybe more so than if we had children earlier.

-Any comment about childless people being selfish. Most people I know who do a ton of volunteering in the community do not have children. They often have more time and energy to give to others outside their immediate family.

- People making comments about our lives being empty or incomplete without children. Even if we did feel that at times...others shouldn't say or assume it.

- People asking when they heard I couldn't conceive...'Do you feel like less of a woman?'
post #10 of 98
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbsam View Post
I hope it is ok for me to post.
Absolutely. Everyone's welcome to post the weird, the funny, and the ridiculous things they've been told.
post #11 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by astraphell View Post
"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

This one always sent me over the moon with frustration. It just totally disregards the fact that something is actually wrong.
post #12 of 98
I personally can't STAND when someone refers to themselves as a 'fertile myrtle' or says 'I get pregnant whenever my husband even looks at me'. A lot of times people don't even know that they are that fertile, they just happened to get pregnant once or twice and now they think they are the goddess of procreation!
post #13 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by astraphell View Post
"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

This is the one I have heard a lot!!! Even my PCP told me this which really kinda hurt. You don't know until you have walked in our (IF) shoes!!!!! Also, we tried the whole vacation thing too and that didn't work. Last year we had booked a vacation to the Caribbean a year in advance and thought well, we might be going prego, but it didn't happen.
post #14 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by astraphell View Post
"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

This one drives me up the wall. I told a friend that I hadn't talked to in a long time about our difficulty and DIAGNOSED infertility issue and her response was similar to the above. Then she said how we should stop trying for 2 years and how it would totally happen. I took a deep breath and nicely explained that, yes, it is possible that if we just had sex all the time for next 2 years that it could happen even with our issue, BUT it was more than likely that it would not happen and I didn't really want to wait 2 years to find out and then be 2 years older heading into infertility treatments, especially since we hoped to have more than one child.

Flash forward maybe 2-3 months and much to my surprise the IUI w/ clomid and an hCG trigger actually worked and she calls to congratulate me and the first words out of her mouth after "Congratulations" is "So did you guys give up and then it happened?" She was so convinced that her theory of how reproduction works was right, that that was the first thing she asked-- never mind my telling her in our prior discussion that we were planning to start fertility treatment once we had moved. She is overall a really terrific person, but her saying that to me AFTER I had explained what our fertility issues were made me feel like she didn't hear me at all and didn't understand how much having children meant to me-- if I was going to "give up" it would have been a heart-wrenching choice and it would have taken more than 2-3 months to make. But then, she is someone who hasn't really decided if she wants kids, isn't worried about her age because she figures she'll adopt if she can't have her own (which is awesome that that's how she feels), but I would have had to go through a mourning process before being ready to move to adoption. We're just in really different places when it comes to having kids.

For a lot of people, I think they hear those anecdotes about women who try everything and then get pregnant after they have decided to stop trying and they cling to them because then they don't have to contemplate the agonizing choices and cycles of hope and despair that people really dealing with infertility have to face. It's frustrating on our end because having these stories spouted at us invalidates what we are going through and makes it appear like we are CHOOSING to put ourselves through it. Clearly, if we could just let go of this thing that is monumentally important to us (having a baby), then we would be happier! Nevermind all of the grieving it would take to get there.

Oh... how did that soapbox find it's way under my feet! : I'll just step down now.
post #15 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by astraphell View Post
"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

I responded that we didn't 'try hard' for fifteen years and it never happened and that it's not 'just going to happen'. That usually shut them up.
post #16 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by My*Scorpio View Post
I can't believe someone was that insensitive
On a marginally related note, when my sister's fiance was dying of cancer, my mother-in-law said she thought it must be karma. People can be so unbelievable, can't they? I must have given her the world's dirtiest look because she just started stammering...so I'm not quite sure what she meant by it. She tried to turn it into a good thing...like he really needed something good to come into his life and that's why he met my sister. But I'm sure that's not what she really meant. UGH.

But I am a little bit sheepish reading the posts about disliking the comment "fertile myrtle" because I used to say similar things about myself. I only have one DD, but she was conceived the night we decided to start trying. So maybe it _is_ karma that I'm having all these fertility issues when ttc #2. : I do wish I'd never assumed that ttc is easy & fun.
post #17 of 98
I had a doctor tell me I wasn't ovulating because...wait for it... I needed to...are you ready?.... JUST RELAX.: The doc refused to refer me to an endocrinologist and didn't order any bloodwork until I argued with her about it. :

My mother passively agressively said "Well, my ovaries work fine."

My aunt said, "Why don't you just adopt? We considered it, but then we didn't have to." (referring to her 2 kids). There are SO many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin.

V
post #18 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by astraphell View Post
"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

yep. This exactly.
post #19 of 98
Ah, those are all so wonderfully familiar!

The real burn was that we DID end up getting pregnant during the adoption process (around homestudy time), which prompted EVERYBODY to say something along the lines of "Well, it just goes to show!" And I'm sure they went on to relate the story to every other infertile person they know.

My personal favorites:

-from neighbor lady, after we had 3 years trying, one miscarriage: "Well, you should just say this novena to Saint Somebody! Say it nine times blah blah blah" as she thrust a Xerox into my hands.

-same lady, after I did indeed get pregnant, and then had a miscarriage again: "Oh no! You must have said the prayer wrong! Did you remember to ask not to have a miscarriage?" Gosh, it wasn't in the Xerox, so I figured Saint Whoever had it covered...

All made even better by the fact that I am not remotely a Catholic.
post #20 of 98
lurking from ttc..

i got pg with ds on accident in college. now dh and i are ttc #2, and i'm having issues.

after i had a painful m/c last month, someone said to me: "well, why don't you just do it exactly like you did the first time?"

.. as if i can magically make a healthy baby by using the exact same sexual position i did in college. as if i should go out partying, come home drunk and stoned, and have sloppy college sex to create another child.

i wanted to (but didn't) reply "because i'm a grown-up now."
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