Things not to say to your infertile (or struggling to conceive) friends - Page 2

[soulshine]

someone was having problems with their marriage, already had children, and was considering separation... but was really sick one weekend and was on all kinds of cold medicine etc, had sex with her husband and, of course, got pregnant... then,
while laughing, offered to give this unwanted baby to me. ha. ha.

and, honestly, while very good intentioned... the babydust. babydust sort of becomes irrelevant at a certain point when ttc morphs over to full on IF. its hard to get mad at this one because it is said with such good will 'lots of babydust to you!'. ugggh.

and, when someone got pregnant, they said 'well, maybe me being pregnant will help you get pregnant.' what?

there is so much about IF and IF treatment that people don't understand, most of the time the things that get said sound ridiculous. that is why it is so helpful to know that a thread like this exists... you all have heard the same absurd crap that i have, and i know you would never tell me or anyone else 'just pray harder' or 'do it doggy style' or 'hey, wanna borrow my husband?'. the sad, sad thing is that in the course of my own experience ttc with unexplained IF, i have actually tried all of it. prayed. really. hard. went on vacation. did it every which way known to mankind. took all the supplements. ate all the pineapple. preseed. instead cups. legs up on the pillow. charted (with 2 different thermometers 'just in case one was wrong') and then all the treatments.

thinking back on it all, it makes me want to cry. the intention, and the sheer desire. the true heartbreak on each failed cycle. its a shame that friends, family, community, support people, and even just the strangers at the supermarket... that they can't see this side and forgo the random advise about adoption and egg whites and robotussen and relaxing... and instead just give us a hug. it hurts to be IF and ttc. it really taught me a lesson about other types of silent suffering. sometimes its better to keep quiet and just hug someone in the midst of their pains.

[CalaRei]

I wish there were snappy comebacks to the stupid anecdote about the infertile couple who tried so long, and then gave up and then suddenly their .0000001% came through.

I hate that one.

[blueRhino]

wow.
soulshine. well put.

[songbird45]

Originally Posted by dbsam

- People asking when they heard I couldn't conceive...'Do you feel like less of a woman?'

Gah! Why do people think it's okay to say stuff like this??

Originally Posted by mischeivium

But then, she is someone who hasn't really decided if she wants kids, isn't worried about her age because she figures she'll adopt if she can't have her own (which is awesome that that's how she feels)"

This is sort of interesting, because I bet ANYTHING that once she actually wants to build her family she'll feel differently about adoption. Maybe she'll still want to, but she won't just be all, "oh, I figure I'll adopt." Most people don't give a second thought to the idea that adoption is DIFFERENT from having biological children. They figure, a kid is a kid - which is true when it's not your family. Once you start thinking about your OWN family it's different, and adoption isn't something you "just" do.

And soulshine, there are just two or three people that I confide in. I picked them precisely because they listen carefully and never minimize my pain. It comes naturally to a select few and I think I'm lucky to have them.

[frog]

I'd forgotten all about "you can borrow my husband!" In my world, the offer was always, "How about if I send you some of my husband's sperm?" :

soulshine, that was just lovely.

leerypolyp, I assume you're the blogger? If so, great blog!

[kristenok18]

Originally Posted by astraphell

"I had a (friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/yoga instructor) who was trying for (insane number) of months/years to get pregnant and she finally (gave up/took a break/prayed to God/decided to adopt/went on vacation) and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant! You just need to stop trying so hard and it will happen, I swear!"

As many insensitive comments as I've heard, this one is my pet peeve. It only serves to minimalize the actual physical issues going on. I keep telling myself that they are only trying to offer hope in a hopeless situation, but it's so dang patronizing.

for all of us.

[EastbayK]

We have a six year old son. EVERY DAY we hear "when are you going to give him a sibling?" "A child NEEDS a sibling" and all kinds of other crap, mostly from strangers at the library/grocery store/school/mall.

Yes, I would like him to have a sibling too. Yes, I realize that he is getting "older" (WTF, is there a max. age when you are too old to have a sibling born? For goodness sakes, he's only six!). Why is the size and status of MY family any of your business, Ms. Nosy?

I would love to hear Bud Light do a tribute ad to Ms. Fertility Fixer someday.

And I hate the "all my husband did was say F*&^ and I got pregnant" kind of comments too!

Kim
(I'm not usually this bitter)

[frog]

Originally Posted by EastbayK

I would love to hear Bud Light do a tribute ad to Ms. Fertility Fixer someday.

:

Now THAT is funny!

[girlie1125]

I was going to say "I'll add my 2 cents here", but it'll prolly end up being more like $1.58.

I'm going through secondary infertility. I conceived DD with ONE non-bc covered night when I was 18. Not the ideal pregnancy/child-rearing circumstances, but I did my best.

I'm now 28. Only freaking 28. And DP and I have been trying since Jan 2007. DP has her DD, from a similar set of circumstances when she was 19.

My all-time favorite is "Well, why? You already have two kids?" That one just sets my blood to boiling. I *know* if we were a straight couple with one of "mine" and one of "yours" and were trying to have one of "ours" (the concept of yours, mine, and ours doesn't sit well with me, anyhow), NO ONE would question our trying to have another.

The next is, since we're gay, "Oh, why don't you just adopt instead?". As if its like getting a stray puppy. Like you can go down to the baby/child shelter, pick one out, sign a few forms, and be on your way! The fact that typically one either has to spend thousands and thousands of dollars, wait sometimes YEARS, or go through the foster system, and be sure that you're prepared to be a loving and supportive household to a child that might have emotional/physical issues. Its not the same thing. Its two completely separate decisions. Once I respond with a general "Well, that would probably cost around $25K, or involve trying to be approved to foster/adopt as a lesbian couple in the midwest..." They usually respond with "Oh, yeah...hadn't thought about that..." I totally respect people's decision to have a child through adoption, but its a completely different set of decisions.

Honestly, the whole "just relax/go on vacation/plan a skydiving-rollercoaster-bungee jumping trip and BAM! You'll get pg!" comments really hit me strangely. First of all, the LEAST likely place for DP and I to get pg is anywhere that doesn't involve donor sperm. So going on vacation (and just relaxing and BD'ing our hearts out) while fun, would not make a lick of difference (pardon the pun). It does also make me a bit jealous of straight couples who are TTC. Although I realize that depending on the diagnoses and individuals, the chances of conceiving 'on your own' might be .00004%, you still have SOME semblance of a chance. There's a feeling that you can back up an IUI with some well-timed bd'ing, and that maybe it'd help. There's a chance, however remote, that you could conceive outside of a doctor's office. Its like when I go to get an xray, and the tech asks me "Any chance you're pregnant?" None, dude. None at all, unless you think there's a "chance" that an agnostic midwestern lesbo was chosen for immaculate conception.

My HUGEST peeve, and I'm not sure how much straight people dealing with IF deal with this, but I imagine they do, is everyone's feeling like they can judge your decision. Let me explain...if I tell anyone (which I don't, typically) that DP and I are ttc some of the questions that have come up center around, essentially:

whether our two existing kids are as perfectly parented as possible
whether our financial situation is 100% ideal
whether our job situations (being able to SAH or the like) are ideal
whether our relationship is ideal

So, in essence, if our kids have any problems, or we're not the world's MOST perfect parents...they feel they can question our decision. (We're not perfect, nor are our kids...but I think that we try to raise them out of love at all times, and considering the circumstances we started out with, we've done pretty dang good.)

If our financial situation is not PERFECT, and I mean, mortgage paid off, no car payments, no student loans or cc debt AT ALL, and 10K+ in the bank...they feel they can question our decision. (We're not in the poor house, nor are we in debt up to our eyeballs. I have a good-paying secure job, we have a reasonable mortgage with good terms and some equity, car payments, student loan payments, but VERY little cc or other debt, and we always have enough to pay our bills and have some left over.)

If one of us can't SAH full-time, ditto (Right now I work from home one day a week. My boss has already indicated that next year he wants to increase that to 2-3 days a week. DP is in construction, mostly as an independent contractor, and could schedule projects to be home when I'm not...not to mention, I don't think putting a child into a good daycare situation means one is a horrid parent.)

If they've ever seen us/heard us discuss an argument/disagreement we've EVER had with one another...the same. (Puh-lease. I think everyone knows this is bull.)

Now, I KNOW that if we were a straight married couple, and announced a pregnancy, no one would DARE question those things! Because in the back of their mind, they're thinking "maybe it was an accident/surprise...oh well, best to just congratulate them!" But I know if *I* announce a pregnancy, I will get these questions. Because they know that since we're lesbians, we had to make a conscious decision to get pregnant. And for some reason people feel they have the right to determine on their own terms if our decision was the correct one.

For the record, I obviously understand that someone who is a lousy parent, in dire straits, that has a crazy workload they can't ditch, or in a wretched relationship should think twice before having another child.

But what on earth makes you think you have the RIGHT to question these things? Unless you know that I've not been able to feed my kids, or abused them, or something of that level, what malfunction in your brain allows those words to even escape your lips?!??!?!??!?!??!

Okay. I'm done now. Deep, cleansing breaths.

[frog]

girlie, you're the bomb. :

[girlie1125]

I love that my rage-filled tantrum inspired that.

[GoodKarma]

Any variation of take a vacation/just relax really annoys me. Especially now because I know that I have an actual diagnosed problem that was making conception extraordinarily unlikely.

[frog]

Originally Posted by girlie1125

I love that my rage-filled tantrum inspired that.

I'm a big fan of the rage-filled tantrum, particularly around ttc, and particularly around lesbians ttc. It was a sure hit!

[cincynana]

Oh...I just love the comments from friends! I know most of them are well meant, but augh!

Here are some of my favorites...

"I know how you feel. I started to freak when we got to 7 months of ttc. Luckily we got pg the next month"

"Want to come try our bed?"

These comments ended a friendship. They came from a "friend" who isn't a Christian and whose MIL is a freakin' RE:

"Maybe God is trying to tell you something"

"One of the things you may come to accept, is that there are things that's just not meant to be"

"I think you and dh need to take a vacation somewhere"

There were more lovely comments and advice from her, but I think I've blocked them out. It was just too much for me to bear. And then when she had her 2nd child in March, I would email her about bringing dinner, getting together, etc., she would write these emails about how hard it was to have 2 children and she'd love for me to come help her. I just couldn't do it any longer, so I just stopped contact with her. I tried to explain my feelings to her, and she will never understand my feelings since she's never been there, so the best thing for me was to stop the friendship.

Again, augh!

[FtMPapa]

My ex - supposedly one of my TTC support people - after I tried one cycle and thought I had a m/c - "Well, nobody said it would be easy for you...."

My good friend "You seem miserable all the time. Maybe you don't want to get pregnant now?"

In truth, I was miserable when I was going through fertility stuff, it sucked!

"It sounds like you're going to have a really hard time getting pregnant. Afterall, you tried three times already and it didn't work." - Medical professional, I will not see that person again.

And, yes, I've heard the "just relax" line more times than I can count. I've heard eighty six stories about people who got pregnant on vacation/while having an affair/at a rave/after they decided to give up/after they adopted/while picking up their adopted daughter in China, etc.


By far the most frustrating one - from other people using donor sperm/doing IUIs/whatever - "It's always the crazy cycles (the ones when you're sick, when your doctor is on vacation, when the tank ends up at someone else's house, when you're on vacation, etc) that work."

If that we're true, I'd have been pregnant six times by now. Every cycle has had some sort of weird paperwork/sperm/meds/scheduling fiasco.

I want my old fertility doc to decide to adopt with me and then we can just relax, forget about it, go on vacation, pick up a kid overseas, and maybe I can slip and fall in a puddle of sperm that will magically knock me up, and then I'll have one of those stories to tell.

[crazyrunningmama]

Originally Posted by 2in09

as if i should go out partying, come home drunk and stoned, and have sloppy college sex to create another child.

HA! I have to say - that way sounds like a whole lot more fun than the drugs/spectrums/stirrups/IVF crappola. Oh, when I think of all those wasted condoms.....

Originally Posted by girlie1125

I love that my rage-filled tantrum inspired that.

What's real is real. I haven't seen some of you folks over here before - Hello and Welcome

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

maybe I can slip and fall in a puddle of sperm that will magically knock me up, and then I'll have one of those stories to tell.

At this point, even though I have a DH with great swimmers, it would take that exact thing for us to get pregnant if we were "relaxing" and "not trying"...we are both so sick of scheduled BDing I think we wouldn't have sex at all if we weren't scheduling it.

[frog]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

By far the most frustrating one - from other people using donor sperm/doing IUIs/whatever - "It's always the crazy cycles (the ones when you're sick, when your doctor is on vacation, when the tank ends up at someone else's house, when you're on vacation, etc) that work."

Amen to that!

[BurtsGirl]

I've heard the just relax. But fortunately we haven't told a lot of people we're trying and most of our friends are pretty sensitive.

We recently helped a good friend demo her counters so she could get news ones and I loved the counters she chose and told her so. At lunch yesterday with this friend, I told her we've decided not to continue persuing children. The first thing she said was, "Now you can get new counters since you're not wasting money on sperm." Nice eh?

I've really enjoyed reading, though I am sadden at some of the stuff you guys have heard. I agree that not a lot of people know alot about infertility, hence the insensitivity and ignorance.

[barose]

• "It will happen" (because it may not!)
• "Just adopt and you'll end up pregnant." (not everyone want to or CAN adopt)
• Anything having to do with God and his so-called "plans"