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Things not to say to your infertile (or struggling to conceive) friends - Page 5

post #81 of 98
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by angelcat View Post
I was wondering the same thing. I just don't know what to say beyond"that sucks" and "it isn't fair".
Sometimes, that's all you can say. Affirming the suckitude can be really helpful, IME/O.
post #82 of 98
Validate their feelings ("That must be really hard") ... one of the things that is so crazy-making is that I never know if my feelings are totally out of proportion to the problem at hand. It helps so much to have people tell me that they understand how crappy it is.
post #83 of 98
So many of the remarks I've heard are understandable when I know someone just doesn't know what to say and wants to say something. Usually I just focus on their intent rather than their words, so comments about adoption or "Gds plan" don't bother me.

But this one did bother me. A friend of mine (who has 5 kids that she always says she didn't even want or she'll say in her next life she's only going to have one ), recently asked me "How are you doing that?" (like she was disgusted by it).

I wanted to say "Some of us actually want kids." Instead I said something about the ends justifying the means. I'm sure it would've felt great to tell her off but I guess it's best I didn't.
post #84 of 98
Thread Starter 
Gah, Organic Sister! Totally irritating!
post #85 of 98
Great thread, frog, thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by girlie1125 View Post

"Any chance you're pregnant?" None, dude. None at all, unless you think there's a "chance" that an agnostic midwestern lesbo was chosen for immaculate conception.


Too funny.

Ditto to a lot of the comments already posted. We haven't been actively trying very long, but DP and I went to the doctor with the intent of trying about two years ago only to find several health roadblocks. My RE kept telling me we could try in 2-3 months, only to have it extended another 2-3 months each time we went back hoping to get the "all clear". On one of the appointments that she once again told us we'd need to wait 2-3 months before beginning TTC, she said, "I'm sure that's a relief - who wants to be 8 months pregnant in July!!" I started crying right there in the exam room and said I'd be pregnant in the freaking Sahara.

I also regret telling several close friends about out TTC struggles. With the best of intentions they manage to make me feel awful - or press the subject when it's just too tough to talk about. Ah well.
post #86 of 98
It's good to not be alone.

I'm in a slightly different situation. I'm single, not dating, no prospects for dating, don't really care about dating, relationships, getting married. I'm a committed bachelorette. But I want a child.

So I went to my Gyn, she recommended that I go see HER fertility doc, who has no issues working with single women (He just grills you to be sure this is what you want, but in a good way). I started working with the RE and you know how the rest goes. BTW - the donor catalog thing is surreal. Picking a daddy the way you would underwear from Sears.

More blood work then I get done at my annual physical, pokes, prods, and what the hell is up with that vaginal sonogram? My ovary is NOT up by my lung, for crying out loud. But in the end, everything is where it is supposed to be and is still there. My cervix healed well from the LEEP, though I will need to be watched closely.

If I ever get pregnant. I've only done 1 IUI, but it failed. And I hate that word: Failed. I spent several days trying to figure out what I did wrong. But I did nothing wrong.

Sorry, got off topic there.

I've told a few friends, who have been nothing but supportive. I have a friend who was going through IF, and her and her husband are finally expecting. : She understands what I'm going through. I have another friend who thinks she can will me pregnant. She means well. And when I started this whole journey, she found out she was pregnant (only 3 weeks behind my other friend).

I seem to get other people pregnant. :

Everybody has been incredibly supportive. It's great. I've been lucky. There has been the random "Guy in the bar" comment, but considering the people that said it, I let it slide.

Then there is my mother. Her response:

Don't do it. You'll get bored. I know I did. : Apparently my brother and I bored her.

She said this because I do tend to get bored easily. But WTF? : We don't talk about it, though I would love to be able to.

My Dad? He's ready to build a crib. I just need to give him the go ahead.

So here is to us all. May we be able to put up with those that don't understand, don't care, and suffer from major cases of foot-in-mouth disease.
post #87 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angi View Post

I seem to get other people pregnant. :

Ack! I thought it was only me

I seem to have the same affect on friends around me, too

And how sweet of your dad to be waiting to make a crib
post #88 of 98

Great Thread!

I am so glad to hear that I am not alone.

I think I just did one myself though - sorry, Pleasantly Furious, I just told you about my SIL who had FSH through the roof and then took 100mg of clomid and it happened. I apologize. I was not meaning to be one of THOSE people!!!!

I honestly thought there was really something wrong with me when people would tell me to go on vacation - possible I suppose with a tank of sperm - and I was a fool for not giving up my stressful job and being barefoot broke but pregnant immediately!

When I was trying to get my green card and have an employer sponsor me to stay in the US to be with my partner, people would say - "isn't marriage legal in Hawaii" -it was the 90s - or "why don't you just get married" (ie to a man)
Yeah, why don't I just get married to some weirdo that I don' t know and risk being blackmailed or pay him a lot of money and then if I get found out by the government I will be deported and won't be able to come back here ever !Sounds like a fabulous idea - I don' t know why I did not think of that before!!!!

We have been planning this for years but could not afford it, now we can, I have a stressful job, I was not ovulating, my dad died, our condo flooded, I had an evil boss from hell, so one year later from when we started preparing for this and only a few months into trying ( we are on try #3) I am taking clomid and progesterone and hoping like hell it is working. So I know I have not been around for anywhere near as long as you all, but I appreciate what you are all saying.
Oh yeah - the adoption one - my old boss would say that to me about once a week - I think she must have had amnesia -and I would have to explain yes. we have thought about it but it is so much money, time, effort, heartache, etc etc.
And our house is so small that I doubt we could convince the home study social worker we were fit for a child!!!!
Thanks for listening!
post #89 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlie1125 View Post

For now, I'll be starting with a simple: *wide eyed blink* Wow. *slight chuckle* that was totally inappropriate! *subject change*

I will of course accept other, better, perhaps more snarky ideas from any and everyone.
What I always later wish I had said is "What are you trying to achieve by saying that to me?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by girlie1125 View Post
People get so caught up in feeling like they need to provide a solution when someone has bad news. Not so (I think in many cases, not just IF). Empathy, I think works best. "Oh, that sucks.", "That must be hard to deal with", or "that treatment sounds promising". Something that pretty much just says that you were listening to me, and you can value my feelings of despair, sadness, anger, frustration, or whatever they are at the moment.

Whenever someone tries to say "It'll happen! Give it time" or "Just ___, and it'll happen" it feels like they're invalidating your feelings. Like you don't have the right to be upset about all you're going through.

That's how *I* feel, anyhow. Not sure how widely it applies to others dealing with IF.
Exactly! And that is also the kind of training I got when I volunteered at a crisis line: validate, you can't fix it, you can listen and show that you care.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tireegal View Post
When I was trying to get my green card and have an employer sponsor me to stay in the US to be with my partner, people would say - "isn't marriage legal in Hawaii" -it was the 90s - or "why don't you just get married" (ie to a man)
Yeah, why don't I just get married to some weirdo that I don' t know and risk being blackmailed or pay him a lot of money and then if I get found out by the government I will be deported and won't be able to come back here ever !Sounds like a fabulous idea - I don' t know why I did not think of that before!!
Sounds like a great idea! Why bother joining the current century and making marriage between same sex partners legal when you can just break the law, marry a stranger and complicate your life. Sorry, Canadian side rant - I just cannot get over what the big deal is in the US. I wish you had been able to marry your partner to help you get a green card!!

This whole thead is why I don't tell. Even when people don't know there's still some ouches. A friend from my dd's playgroup noticed something was up and kind of kept asking, so I said that I had thought I might be pg, but I'm not and I'm disappointed (the truth is that I just went through IVF, got a BFP and am now miscarrying). She said it's a good thing I'm not going through ART like her SIL, wouldn't that be way worse. Ya. Whew. Good thing...
post #90 of 98
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angi View Post
BTW - the donor catalog thing is surreal. Picking a daddy the way you would underwear from Sears.
Isn't it!? I used to tell people that we were limiting our search to left-handed jazz enthusiasts.
post #91 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyrunningmama View Post
A friend from my dd's playgroup noticed something was up and kind of kept asking, so I said that I had thought I might be pg, but I'm not and I'm disappointed (the truth is that I just went through IVF, got a BFP and am now miscarrying). She said it's a good thing I'm not going through ART like her SIL, wouldn't that be way worse. Ya. Whew. Good thing...
Oh, CRM, I'm so so sorry.
post #92 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by frog View Post
Isn't it!? I used to tell people that we were limiting our search to left-handed jazz enthusiasts.
Dang. Didn't see that one. Can you send me the donor ID when you find it?

LOL
post #93 of 98
Thread Starter 
post #94 of 98
I'm new here, so pardon my butt-in.

Here's my favorite: "don't worry, there are women in their 40's still having babies." That one just makes me want to punch someone in the face.
post #95 of 98
Thread Starter 
oregonduck, you're not butting in at all--you're more than welcome!
post #96 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonduck View Post
I'm new here, so pardon my butt-in.

Here's my favorite: "don't worry, there are women in their 40's still having babies." That one just makes me want to punch someone in the face.
Welcome! I got a version of that even before we knew we were having problems: Oh, you've got YEARS of time left (I was 29). Okay, maybe but maybe not. And now we are going through IVF and odds are very much effected by age....
post #97 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyrunningmama View Post
Welcome! I got a version of that even before we knew we were having problems: Oh, you've got YEARS of time left (I was 29). Okay, maybe but maybe not. And now we are going through IVF and odds are very much effected by age....
We started trying and knew we had problems and getting help when I was 32. My MIL said "She has 20 years left!" Whatever, nutjob! Yah, sure, I am gonna be popping out babies at 52.
post #98 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sri Radha View Post
We started trying and knew we had problems and getting help when I was 32. My MIL said "She has 20 years left!" Whatever, nutjob! Yah, sure, I am gonna be popping out babies at 52.
I heard the opposite. I started IVF treatments at 35 and heard from people "Are you sure you want to start all that at your age?".

OT...Sri Radha, I was reading your signature...good luck w/your August transfer.
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