Trying to get a reaction out of you!

[delighted.mama]

Hello,

My 3.5 dd has tantrums that I can't seem to get a grip on. She tries to escalate things until she gets a reaction from me. Unlike my older dd, where I could verbalize her feelings back to her and ultimately calm her down with a hug, dd#2 seems to need to rage for a while and then wants to lash out.

Example: She was upset because she couldn't have candy tonight. I empathized with her desire for candy but said that it was almost time for bed and we could have a small piece tomorrow. In response she said, "Well I'm going to throw this" (vitamin bottle). She then threw it. I calmly said, that needs to be picked up. Because she didn't get the reaction out of me, she came over and deliberately slapped my leg. I told her she needed to sit in the "Quiet chair" until she calms down. Because she was still not getting a reaction from me, she said "well I'm going to knock this garbage over" and proceeded to try to knock it over. That's when I very sternly told her she needed to calm down and stop doing that. Naturally, when it gets to that point where she can tell that I am angry or upset, she runs off to her room and feels bad for herself.

Ok. Where did I go wrong? She deliberately tries to push the envelope to get a reaction. If I ignore it, she will go through with her "threat,'" such as hitting, throwing, etc. If I try to articulate her feelings to her, she gets so frustrated that she just screams. She's not the type to melt into you for consolation when she's frustrated. She's more like the type that will kick something over, stew about it for a while and then come to be comforted.

Since dd#1 is so different in this respect, I'm kind of at a loss as to how to handle it best...to show her I understand but also not cave into the destructive behavior. We've talked about other outlets (throwing pillows, stamping feet) as an outlet, but it doesn't seem to matter to her when she's in the throes of a tantrum..

ADVICE?

Libby

[Embee]

Of your two kids, my only is more like your second. I'm quite certain that if I'd had a first child with the temperment of your first, the second would definitely have tripped me up some. However for me, it's all I've ever known so I'll offer my .02 for whatever that's worth.

I've never felt with my DS that he's trying to "get a reaction out of me" per se. I have OTOH, felt that he will continue a certain behavior (power struggle) until he gets the reaction (or better, RESPONSE) from me that is appropriate to the circumstances i.e., once I get perspective and not make more of it than it is, we can get through it and move on. I'm not suggesting that he's does this on a conscious level, but it has certainly given me a reverence for the instinctual nature of our children.

With us what this means is, I need to let go of my need to handle it 'seriously' and then, respond in a more relaxed and even playful way. I have to first give myself permission to "play" things out, and only then will I have obtained "the power" to transform the situation. Strangely, it is the very process of giving DS power in these situations that allows me to do this. DS is young and immature. He is acting on instinct. He does not yet possess the power to immediately overcome his strong emotions but if given a chance to play through them, he learns a lot about his own feelings and how to manage them. Because I'm the adult and (relatively ) I can take a different path and initiate a less charged environment. My best suggestion is then, to handle this one playfully. It sounds like something that could possibly turn into a long term power struggle and at this point in time, being the parent, the one who has the real power to change the situation, best to diffuse it before it gets away from you both.

For me, when she threatened to throw something I would have giving her not only a reaction, but a HUGE silly, over the top reaction, "OH NO! You wouldn't! You couldn't! I can't believe you would throw that!!! OH PLEASE NO! Please don't throw that. I don't think I could take it if you did!!!" For us, the situation is turned around right then. Giggles ensue. To be sure, he will probably still throw the item, but not in anger, but as part of the game I allowed myself to play, as part of the therapy he administers to himself (with my support) in order to work through his own strong feelings so that he can move on. He throws it and I react crazy again, "I can't believe you did that!!!" I just can't believe it! The nerve of you!!!!" More laughter, more throwing, whatever, all part of the game. If I refuse to make it a real power struggle, it doesn't become one. OTOH, by responding the way I do, DS's need for power in the situation is met and we can both can move on, happily.

Clearly, when something is truly destructive, you can't allow it to happen. This varies for people, what they can and can't abide. I've found however that more often than not, if I look at it without my internal angry and annoyed dialog, it's usually something I can relax about.

The following is an article that I have read again and again. It helps me in situations like these and many many more. Perhaps it will explain better what I've attempted to articulate here:

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles4.html

For me, it's about keeping perspective, not allowing little things to become big. If it was before bed, I'd keep in mind that DS was tired and probably not at his best and give him the benefit of the doubt. Over time, DS has become so much better at keeping things in perspective. When I look at the big picture, I realize he has an ability to handle tough situations pretty well and once able to express his frustration/anger/disappointment, even has the ability to see things with a bit of humor, not take himself too seriously. He's also much better at forgiving himself than I could ever hope to be.

Again, my .02 for whatever that's worth. The books, "Playful Parenting" (Cohen) and "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" (Aldort) were both very helpful to me in this regard.

The best,
Em