my 6yr old dd points her finger at me and says bang-bang

[BunnySlippers]

when she is angry with me. She has also been name calling, talking back, slapped me once and down right rude. Last night she spit at my face
She has also been concerned at the colour of our skin, making sure we are white on the outside even though we have black family members and are of mixed blood (this makes me want to cry).

She went from the worlds most considerate loving, gentle child to...this.. The behaviour is only aimed at me.
It started with the obnoxious 11yr old I had in my care and had to go for some really bad and scary behaviour.
We have also been on vacation and eating lots of crap (why do we eat crap just because we are on vacation?)
I am not a spanker or a yeller(only occasionally), I think I am a pretty good and tuned in parent for the most part.
At first when she did these things I just pointed out she was being rude and to stop.
Now Iam ignoring it.
Last night when she spit at me (we were in a parking lot with a friend) I just stood there trying to remain calm. DD asked what I was doing, I told her I was trying to restrain myself from slapping her :
DD then started to cry. I ignored her and got in the car. We went on with our day. She was fine with thte rest of the day, acted like nothing had happened, we played we had fun, no more rudeness.

The day is early, but so far no rudeness.

Is she trying to tell me something? Is this a phase?
What do I do about it?

[emmasmommy]

Unfortunately I have no advice. I have a 6 year old who is behaving in a lot of the same ways (rude, back talking, hitting, spitting ect and only aimed at dh, dd2 and I - she is very kind and considerate to her friends and teachers at daycare and school) and I was coming to post about it when I saw your thread. I will also be following this thread for advice.

ETA - my dd says she is going to kill us (me and dh) when she gets mad at us. Last night she said she was going to break the whole house and then go live somewhere else. She also says that we make her mad all the time, but can't tell us why. I wish I knew what the source of her anger was, and how I can help her with it.

[MtBikeLover]

Wow - that sounds really hard to deal with

In my house, those kind of actions (spitting, hitting, etc) would not be ignored. If my child spit on me, I would say in a fairly strong tone "Spitting on people is not acceptable. If you are mad, you can talk to me, but I do not want you to spit on me."

In the case of saying "I want to kill you", I would say something along the lines of "You sound very angry about something" and then see if they reply.

[honeysesame]

oh, six! six! six! they *seem* so mature and then....
i keep coming back to this bit from the "your six-y-old" (ames and ilg) that helps me so much this year, about how at 6 they are the center of their own universe, and yet still very wrapped up in their mamas. so a lot of anger can get directed at mama at this age is what i was reading about (as well as love ) and while that doesn't always help me in the moment, i think it's useful info. exploring power is another thing that comes to mind. mine has started saying flippantly, "well, i hate you then" (not in an angry way) when i don't let him do something-- i think he wants to see if these words have power. the shooting and spitting sound similar. also, and i notice this w/ hitting esp., it seems like in a way they want *not* to be as old and powerful and strong as they are, to be able to vent all their strong feelings to mama w/o her being hurt. i guess i'm not offering much advice, just musing.... the fact is that i am still searching for tools to use in the moment.... i usually try to "stay calm" but am realizing expression (creative-- body and words?) may be more my friend (and my son's-- he doesn't really like the "staying calm" although he doesn't like it if i get angry either !)

[PrennaMama]

I went to a seminar with Bev Bos as speaker and she talked some about kids and "gun play"... it was interesting, because something she said really struck a chord with me.

When a kid points her finger at you, and says bang, and you fall over "dead"... that is the most power a child can feel. Much of these actions are power-based, and sometimes when a parent reacts negatively to this kind of power-play, it is the parent getting caught up in the power struggle. In essence our very desire that they "should" be peaceful and not play like that is us trying to exert our power over them. ANd they intuit that.

What would happen if you played along, or found a way to do so that would allow her to have her power and you to to stick to you moral compass?

Dd went thru it a couple months ago (and likely will again, she's not yet even four) and I pretended I had a magic shield that protected me from bullets... and then she pretended she had lightning in her hand and that actually (I pretended) got me... and I would fall asleep... We also do Dragon Breath... she will breathe "HHAAAAHghh" on us and we roll our eyes and say "Oh, that breath!" And pretend to pass out. Then she kisses us, and it wakes us up.

[MoonStarFalling]

Yes it's probably a phase. I have a six year old. We just got through this phase. It was the toughest phase yet. I was at my wits end, I even took a parenting class, I was ready to take him to a doctor it was so bad. Read the book Your Six Year Old, it explains it all.

[Kelly Jene]

I'm sorry. I would tend to think it's anger issues or like you mentioned, maybe nutrition. Stay patient, mama, you're doing good.

[BunnySlippers]

ok well knowing that is common 6yr old behaviour takes the sting out of it big time.
Im reverting us back to our normal diet, which will help I think with the mood swings.

Prennamamma- thats interesting about the power issue.

I have a friend who has been whispering sweet nothings about spanking and putting the cabosh on her behaviour before it gets worse. I told her noway, but the seed was planted and it floats into my mind when Iam stressed. Thankfully I feel detatched from the thought and my body does not react. I know spanking her would not help in anyway or form.

Its nice to not be alone

[columbusmomma]

6 can really suck at times!!!! I feel your pain Mama!