friends teen in lots of trouble WWYD

[thisiswhatwedo]

My friend has a smart funny teen who has gone a bit off track. It is funny how you can see so clearly in others what they are doing wrong but you cannot see it in your own situation. There have been some times in our friendship I've plain had to quit hanging out with her because I couldn't agree with what she was doing. Drinking too much smoking pot when her son knew about it staying over at boyfriends house all the time when he was a young teen focusing on herself more then his needs... So here we are he is 16 and into trying out criminal identities. although mom is well educated and she really does care about him but she is okay with his pot smoking (daily) and failing out of school and fighting etc,. like moms do (and I probably do) she rationalizes his behavior. last week his best friend ( she is also friends with the kids mom) got arrested for aggravated assault (weapon). Poor moms are like what did I ever do wrong? To me it would be easy enough to say, 'well you never cared if they were drunk or high and supported them pretending to be gangsters'. But I mean that is me being judgmental.
My kids are younger and I just wonder if my idea of intervening and stopping my kids if they start doing drugs, is that just a joke? My brothers drank and smoked and my parents would have killed them if they had caught them but they still did it.
Does it work to punish or demand they don't do drugs? Will I have to send them off to camp every summer until they are 18?
I am not asking what to do about my friend, she has decided to do it the way she is, just support him regardless but I can't see myself being that way. I guess this is the time we talk about modeling good behavior right? One thing I have learned is that the time for her to be there for him was at 13 before he started doing drugs.
How do you deal with this stuff????

[chiromamma]

There's a difference between being judgmental and exercising discernment. You do not seem judgmental to me. Just flabbergasted at what your friend finds to be acceptable behavior. I do not think it's unreasonable to expect teens to forgo drugs and alcohol. I may be in the minority but so far my DS is really committed to not doing it. She's only 13 1/2 but knows plenty of kids who party.
I think the key is to model healthy behaviors, educate kids and support them in doing cool things that give them a peak experience...I know a guy who runs camps for kids that are all about accessing that state of mind through breakthrough experiences. DD has broken cinder blocks with her fist, broken an arrow with her throat and walked on hot coals. Lord knows how many sweat lodges she done. This guy shows kids what they are capable of.
That said, DD knows that she can talk to us about her curiosities, call us if she's in a weird spot and tell us if she ended up trying something.
I know none of this is a guarantee. Raising kids is a bit of a crap shoot. But I feel like it's several steps beyond what my parents did...cocktail parties several times a week, a pack a day and then being SHOCKED and grounding me for a month the first time I came home drunk.

[thisiswhatwedo]

this is what I want to hear

my kids have mental health issues that could drive them towards self medicating and that could be really tragic if they use drugs, I avoided them in high school knowing I was out of control emotionally but not knowing I had an anxiety disorder. I did drink in my 20's but survived it, and will drink wine occasionally.
I really want to know how people first try to keep their kids off drugs but also how they handle them if they are using them. For my friend I guess she feels knowing is enough and the best she can do is remain communicative.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by thisiswhatwedo

Will I have to send them off to camp every summer until they are 18?

Well.... Considering I lost my virginity at camp at 13, my kids will most likely *never* go to camp. OTOH, I am now with my first love again. We lost our virginity together, and 17 years later I looked him up, walked in the door and never left. We are so happy together, aside from my mental illness, but he takes such good care of me, and I take care of him - he has Crohn's and I cook special for him and clean up when he has a bad flare up. After doing cloth diapers for 5 years, I can handle anything.:

[Labbemama]

Originally Posted by harrietsmama

Well.... Considering I lost my virginity at camp at 13, my kids will most likely *never* go to camp. OTOH, I am now with my first love again. We lost our virginity together, and 17 years later I looked him up, walked in the door and never left. We are so happy together, aside from my mental illness, but he takes such good care of me, and I take care of him - he has Crohn's and I cook special for him and clean up when he has a bad flare up. After doing cloth diapers for 5 years, I can handle anything.:

yeah, I seem to remember a lot of drinking, smoking, and sex at camp. I wasn't the one doing it...but it was happening. I wouldn't count on camp keeping my kid outta trouble.

Other than that at the point your child commits aggravated assault somewhere along the line there are several problems, access to weapons, lack of anger management skills , and lack of empathy for others add in some substance use and a mom who's happy to let her kid come and go as he sees fit so she can have her fun times and well I hate to say it but she's lucky her son isn't dead. He will be soon if he keeps up the gangster wannabe lifestyle.

I'm not sure where she lives but in all my studies a more authoritarian parenting style often keeps kids out of trouble when they live in the urban core. You just have to know where they are going and who they are going with and have more rules for their own protection.

[flapjack]

I'd read Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. Ultimately, a lot of the reasons I went off the tracks (and I did- and I'm still trying to repair the damage at 31) is because my parents shied away from getting closer to me and developing a very real, very intimate relationship with me. I think that's the biggest thing you can do: but also talk about drug use as you go. My 9yo was watching some music festival coverage on TV yesterday and saw an interview with someone who was obviously intoxicated, wearing sunglasses (in the rain) for a TV interview, and was just laughing because he looked so stupid. So we talked about drugs then:

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by flapjack

I'd read Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. Ultimately, a lot of the reasons I went off the tracks (and I did- and I'm still trying to repair the damage at 31) is because my parents shied away from getting closer to me and developing a very real, very intimate relationship with me. I think that's the biggest thing you can do: but also talk about drug use as you go. My 9yo was watching some music festival coverage on TV yesterday and saw an interview with someone who was obviously intoxicated, wearing sunglasses (in the rain) for a TV interview, and was just laughing because he looked so stupid. So we talked about drugs then:

This is what I worry about - the only place my kids are gonna see stuff like that is with their dad and I am worried that he won't have these talks spontaneously with them. (we only get 2 1/2 stations in up here) Now, OTOH our across the street neighbor is always drinking/drunk when he is home. In fact one night he came over here (he is very nice, but ugh) and he *drove* because he was *too drunk to walk* yikes!!! My kids were in bed and much younger but I really don't know how to address that. I will check into that book, I imagine it has good stuff in it.

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

What if you try to get close to your teen and they shield you away? That is where i am right now. I'm not sure how to get into his world right now. I see that he's slowly shileded himsefl over the past 2 months and i'm at a total loss. We used to talk alot and do things together and all of a sudden he's shut the door and hasnt come out since. Literally he keeps his door shut 24/7 and doesnt do anything other than stay in that room. Keeps the door locked too. Doesnt even hang with friends anymore...just online friends. Anyways..had to chime in on it's not that easy to get close to some teens.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Mamato3wild ponnie

What if you try to get close to your teen and they shield you away? That is where i am right now. I'm not sure how to get into his world right now. I see that he's slowly shileded himsefl over the past 2 months and i'm at a total loss. We used to talk alot and do things together and all of a sudden he's shut the door and hasnt come out since. Literally he keeps his door shut 24/7 and doesnt do anything other than stay in that room. Keeps the door locked too. Doesnt even hang with friends anymore...just online friends. Anyways..had to chime in on it's not that easy to get close to some teens.

Honestly, if my teen was locking him or herself into the bedroom and only communicating via IM, I'd start IMing with my teen! See if my child would let me into a "private chatroom" with his/her friends. I've actually done that already, but with the computers 2.5 feet apart from one another it's quite a different scenario (nothing like typing in "lol" and the other person typing in "I know" because she heard you laughing! )

All you can do besides that is to keep being available to talk, while respecting your child's privacy and not INSISTING on talking when s/he doesn't want you there.

I've had a lot of discussions with my children about drugs- how meth is very different from pot, the legal ramifications of any illicit drug use, etc. I don't want my kids to try pot, realize it's not so bad, and then assume that cocaine must not be a big deal either, KWIM? We've also talked about the reasons people try drugs, the reasons they get addicted, and the ramifications of addiction on both the individual and the family and friends.

[crunchymomofmany]

i think im is a great way to talk to a teen! My teens are a little shy about sharing feelings, etc., and i often do my work on a laptop in our basement "wreck" room - while they are on the computer in our home office. We often have discussions about all kinds of stuff, they ask me permission for things, etc. I like it because you don't have to worry about tone and can just talk.

IM has been a long time tool in my house. My husband and I have been IM'ing each other at work (whether at home or away) since about 1997. It's a fabulous way for us to communicate too - I can talk to him about little things without always having to pick up the phone and call him at work.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by Mamato3wild ponnie

What if you try to get close to your teen and they shield you away? That is where i am right now. I'm not sure how to get into his world right now. I see that he's slowly shileded himsefl over the past 2 months and i'm at a total loss. We used to talk alot and do things together and all of a sudden he's shut the door and hasnt come out since. Literally he keeps his door shut 24/7 and doesnt do anything other than stay in that room. Keeps the door locked too. Doesnt even hang with friends anymore...just online friends. Anyways..had to chime in on it's not that easy to get close to some teens.

Hugs mama! I'm not sure what to offer, but the IMing thing sounds like a good idea to try. I hope for you that he's just going through an independence searching phase, and not getting into something scary.

[thisiswhatwedo]

okay this brings up more questions

My friend does communicate with her son, she does monitor his whereabouts and use to care about the computer stuff. But She supports the gangster look, music and language etc,... as an expression of himself and even though she would say she didn't want him wearing this and that she would also pay for it. He doesn't work so I assume she is giving him money knowing that he must be spending it on pot.
Once again it is modeling poor behavior. Being okay with him being out all night from 13 up having co-ed sleepovers. I guess to me it all adds up.
So She feels she has to just support him and accept him as he is right now. Is that what you do? Just realize at some point you can't make a difference except letting them know you care about them?
I just don't expect to ride through the teen age years with my kids with out facing this. I want to know if you attack it full on or just try to hang on to the relationship?

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by thisiswhatwedo

My friend does communicate with her son, she does monitor his whereabouts and use to care about the computer stuff. But She supports the gangster look, music and language etc,... as an expression of himself and even though she would say she didn't want him wearing this and that she would also pay for it. He doesn't work so I assume she is giving him money knowing that he must be spending it on pot.
Once again it is modeling poor behavior. Being okay with him being out all night from 13 up having co-ed sleepovers. I guess to me it all adds up.
So She feels she has to just support him and accept him as he is right now. Is that what you do? Just realize at some point you can't make a difference except letting them know you care about them?
I just don't expect to ride through the teen age years with my kids with out facing this. I want to know if you attack it full on or just try to hang on to the relationship?

If this is a very close friend, I think I would sit down and gently explain your concerns to her and see if you can find out why she is choosing to put on blinders or has given up on keeping control. Use a lot of 'I' statements to help prevent a feeling of attack on her part. It's time to be frank, especially if your kids are exposed to hers. If she gets really angry and goes bananas on you, give her some space and let it work itself out, she may quit you or she may come back later and pretend nothing happened or hopefully she will come and say, ya know things are bad what can I do? But ideally she'll go right to what do I do? Then perhaps you can help her sort out a plan and support her through implementing it. I couldn't stand by and watch, OTOH I watched my good friend whine back and forth with her toddlers and say 'no' without following up with any consequences so who am I to say I could just jump in and say hey your kid's on fire! It is a hard situation, but teens are bigger deal than whining toddlers. I hope it works out for you!

[PikkuMyy]

OT - I went to girl scout camp - no boys - and just loved it. I wouldn't ever take away that experience.

[Cherie2]

ok, maybe I don't have the whole story, but his friend is the one with the aggravated assault? so what criminal identities is he himself trying out?... I am sorry, I just really don't see anything wrong with co-ed sleepovers, embracing your teens expression of himself and allowing them to be honest with you..

[thisiswhatwedo]

well this was more about how to stop or get your kids not to start drugs but if we want to talk about my friends kid she is okay with the co-ed sleepovers and gangsta clothing as are you,I respect that as a difference in opinion, I mean that, and that in itself is not the problem. It is getting high daily, shop lifting, getting stopped constantly by the cops for looking like gang members (however I would place the blame on the cops with that) fighting and failing out of school.
I am asking where do we intervene?
everyone does at different places. I would not allow co ed sleep overs. That is just me. I would not allow gangster clothing and after the first call from the cops I think I'd seriously consider moving to a farm or Indonesia or something to shake up our reality
I am trying not to judge her as much as gather some advise on what others do when their teen starts to go down a scary road. ( I mean we went through tough times as teens ourselves, I actually lost a lot of friends to drugs and what that lifestyle entails, but most survived)
and yes the friend is the one with the assault charges. However he didn't hurt anyone he apparently just threatened then with a weapon. I know not good.
I realize this is very hard on these moms so I don't care to mock then or put them down, but I really care about this kid and it is sad my kids use to look up to him because he was so good with them. They just don't want to see him now.
I feel he will get through it but I can't talk to my friend anymore about it as she has made the decision to just let him do what he wants. Hoping he will get through it and I guess part of me just wants someone to tell me the answer to these situations.