Well, I just became a leper on my street...

[mercyrus]

Had a play date with other moms and explained to them how I just couldn't bring myself to spank and explained why (because I think that hitting a child has more to do with the person hitting and not the child). I was told that I would have major problems with him when he got older and that I was spoiling him....WTF@$*^! Really spoiling him by not spanking...am I alone in thinking that's the most ridiculous thing ever??

[mistymama]

No, not spanking does not turn your children into problem kids. People that think or say that are clueless, or are trying to justify why they spank.

I actually had a neighbor compliment my husband and I on how well behaved our son is, and how well he listens. This neighbor then took my husband aside and said, "So, do you beat his butt, or what?" OMG!?! My husband looked shocked and said, NO, NEVER.

I think if nothing else, we can set a good example that it is very possible to have well behaved, wonderful, un-spoiled kids without ever laying a hand on them, shaming, etc.

[jaidymama]

Well, you're at mothering... so really you're not alone in your thinking. Unfortunately many people believe that because they were spanked that it's ok to use that as a parenting tool. I know my SIL spanks her children, and I keep quiet because she knows very well what the other side of the argument is and makes her choices to spank. Fortunately we don't live near them or see them often enough for it to be a major concern for my child being exposed to that.

As for playgroups... for me, if they're people I'm going to be seeing on a regular basis, then I prefer that my friends have similar parenting styles as mine. If you're trying to teach your child a gentle approach...you might prefer to have your child play with gentle parented children.

I live too in a neighborhood where most of the families have more mainstream parenting approaches, and I commute 7 miles to a park with families with like minded parenting styles. However, I try hard not to judge families who parent differently. I know the information I have and I agree with it. But I don't expect everyone else to agree with me.

Hopefully not all of your neighbors are onboard with your spanking neighbor.

[One_Girl]

I had that happen a lot when dd was younger. I also got the "you'll change your mind, that's what all mom's think until their kids are toddlers" thing quite a bit. Now that dd is five and really a great kid it doesn't come up unless I bring it up. I find that now that dd is five I am less willing to try to stear a conversation towards parenting techniques. If I can't tell what kind of technique the parent uses then I don't feel the need to ask like I used to. They may just see you as naive and not a leper, if you want to get to know some of them and develop friendships then I suggest you try not to go to the parenting decisions topic at this point. It is more of a topic for a friendship that is secure and open to debate and some amount of feeling criticized.

[yarngoddess]

I'd rather be a leper for that than a sheeple that beats my children. Yeah Leprocy!

[jaidymama]

I like the idea of being the different example of having a child who is gentle parented and not turn out to be the hellion of the neighborhood.

Quite frankly though, Alfie Kohn talks about those kinds of parenting measurements to be examining the child's behavior.... and if the child is not a pain in our butt's then they are considered "good children." So even trying to get away from labeling or judging children as good or bad... and looking at getting their needs met, as well as ours. Isn't that the key to a more harmonious life?

Maybe those other mamas can learn from you.

[capagrl]

Originally Posted by yarngoddess

I'd rather be a leper for that than a sheeple that beats my children. Yeah Leprocy!

Ditto that!

I know how you feel, though - I've been ostracized from multiple mommy sites for being the only proponent of GD. Apparently the idea of respecting your children as real people instead of objects to be controlled by force just isn't as popular as one might hope :

It's never FUN to feel like the cheese standing alone, but it sure beats joining the masses heading a direction I just cannot support. I can't seem to locate any AP/GD parents near me, though - the only mamas I know who live this way have children who are already grown. The nearest groups are a 30 minute drive and, with gas prices like they are, just not feasible for me to go to.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by capagrl

The nearest groups are a 30 minute drive and, with gas prices like they are, just not feasible for me to go to.

That's also been my situation, even though we live in an urban neighborhood.

About people seeing the "proof" of gentle discipline in how wonderful our kids turn out -- while I do think that all kids are wonderful, I don't think gentle discipline necessarily guarantees well-behaved little children who never inconvenience their parents.

That's not even my parenting goal. I really, really just want my children to be who God created them to be -- and God makes all kinds, not just one kind.

[Arduinna]

I'll join you. I have an 18 year old that was raised CL and GD and she is awesome, considerate and responsible.

[awallrising]

good for you.....what a bunch of idiots....tell your neighbors that there are many studies showing how spanking does not make children behave better & can just lead to more bad behavior.

You can also tell them this.....I view parenting as a matter of life & death....if my kid is afraid of me & hides things from me, then I will not be able to provide him with the guidance he needs to get thru life. One of the most profound things about parenting that I've heard is that kids are supposed to make mistakes while they are kids so their parents can help them to learn from the mistakes. Spanking is just an excuse for parents to take out their own anger & frustration on kids not to mention that it just hurts feelings & prevents true learning.

[captain crunchy]

I agree 100% with mammal_mama.

The fact is, spanking or not spanking doesn't magically produce "well-behaved" children or "problem" children. I have known many spanked children to turn out wonderfully, and many gd'ed children to turn out selfish, entitled, whiny, tantrumy little _ _ _ _ _.... and vice versa.

I don't parent this way for a result that I expect to get or a behavior I expect to see from my child. Personally speaking I do believe that in most cases, that children treated respectfully in turn learn to treat the world respectfully -- but that is a fringe benefit for me.

For me, I don't spank (or punish or shame etc) because it fits with the kind of person I want to be. It fits with the kind of person I believe my God expects me to be. Being respectful falls in line with how I want to define myself, and how I want others to describe me -- it takes the kind of character that I respect in others -- traits of patience, and kindness, and respect, and unconditional love.

I don't spank because I believe in the golden rule. I believe in treating others how we want to be treated. I believe that hitting another person (or even animal) displays a wild lack of self discipline and self control and those are not traits I admire in others, and are not traits I want to have.

My child still tantrums. She still whines. She still acts like little miss bossy pants. Hopefully though, when she grows she will remember a mother and father who always kept her safe and who never disrespected the body that (we believe) God gave her and gifted us with caring for.

That means more to me than a child who is *well behaved*.

People who hit their children love their children, in almost all cases. However, I believe their acts are misguided and damaging to not only their children, but to themselves. I have to believe that deep inside the human spirit there is a place where they know hitting is wrong, and that every time they hit a bit of that spirit is chipped away -- because hitting people we love is not a natural act. To me, it is the act of a society of people who are perpetuating a pattern of hurt. They were hurt, the hurt was mis-labled as a loving act -- they in turn, learned that love means pain, and to show love they have to hurt. The cycle continues on and on.


The only thing you can do, the only thing in your control, is to break the cycle and be an example to everyone you meet. Don't use your child's behavior (or their child's!) as a mark of success or failure.

You can only use *your* behavior as a mark of success or failure and self discipline, kindness, and respect will always win out in the end. Even if the battle is solely within yourself.

[BabyGow]

Well I could have written the original post as this was my experience at our last duty station.
Apparently since I don't spank(am working on not yelling at all as well) I think I am better than everyone else?? Um, no. I just know that regardless of parenting styles, you HAVE to be consistent!
Is my child always well-behaved? Nope. Would I want him to be? Nope. What would I have to teach and guide him about if he was always well-behaved?

I have learned a lesson that it is true if you want to make friends, parenting styles should be left to themselves. Just parent that way and make no excuses or reasons. Just be sure to not show that surprised look of horror when they beat their child in front of you Oh wait that was me...

[3lilmonsters]

I didn't read all the replies, just the op and I wanted to say that happened to me! When my oldest (now 8.5) was a baby my best friend from high school used to laugh and laugh and laugh at me because I wasn't going to spank. Then she'd tell her husband and he would laugh at me, and they'd tease me and talk about what a little terror he was going to be and that's ok because one day I'd break down and he'd get it bad and hopefully it would be early enough to turn him around....

Today my 8 yo is (for the most part) a pleasure to be around, he's helpful to me and his siblings and friends, he does a decent job when we're cleaning the house...and her kids - well, we just won't go there. But believe me when I say that any issues they have are not for lack of spankings

Needless to say we haven't had the "I can't believe you really think you're not going to spank him!" talk in years.

[mistymama]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

That's also been my situation, even though we live in an urban neighborhood.

About people seeing the "proof" of gentle discipline in how wonderful our kids turn out -- while I do think that all kids are wonderful, I don't think gentle discipline necessarily guarantees well-behaved little children who never inconvenience their parents.

That's not even my parenting goal. I really, really just want my children to be who God created them to be -- and God makes all kinds, not just one kind.

FWIW, I wasn't saying my son is a little angel and it's all because of GD. Trust me, he has his moments. My point was that it's good for people to see that he's not some wild hellion tearing apart the neighborhood with no rules or boundaries. For some reason, people seem to think no spanking = wild child w/ no rules and I think it's a wonderful example to show that is just not true.

[Shantimama]

It is so hard when we just want to hang out and have some friend and then something like this happens. That has happened to me too and I always hate it.

You are doing the right thing - there have been some excellent responses here.I don;t know where you live, but can you branch out and meet some new people? There may be another connecting place in your community were you can find some like-minded parents.

For what it's worth, I was often told the same thing when my children were small. They are now older children, and those same people who warned me about the perils of not spanking have asked me how I "get" my children to be so well-behaved and sensitive towards other people. They are having more difficulties with their children as they get older. I admit that parenting my children with gentle discipline made a lot more "work" when they were small but as they approach their teen years I am seeing that those who made their lives "easier" by using punitive discipline with their small children are not having it quite so easy any more.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I'd never heard the term "gentle discipline" until reading it here, but never planned to spank. I was pretty mellow so only was spanked once or twice, but I saw my brother and sister spanked quite a bit. My brother was the "it doesn't hurt type"...that just involves the parent getting angry and I think it got out of hand! My husband grew up in a "cut your own switch" or "go get my belt" family...but doesn't see anything wrong with it. He sort of agreed to do it my way, but finally came around when we saw how my son reacted when he saw aggressive behavior modeled. It finally clicked that we cannot show our toddler that it's ok to hit when you don't like what's happening in front of you. He's on board now! Especially now that we've change daycare providers and our son is no longer exposed to aggressive behavior all day long. He's back to our happy boy and some of those bad habits are starting to fade away! HOORAY!

I agree with some of the previous posters...they probably think you're niave, but just prove your point silently. Besides, they don't need to know what happens in your house. Model other options when in public, but don't discuss it unless they ask. The proof is in the well-adjusted child!