Need help with 16 month old getting angry and yelling at us

[xtara2003x]

Hi Mama's!!!

I am hoping you all have some advice for me.

My 16 month old is really starting to show her displeasure for things/situations. She has started clenching her fists and SCREAMING at the top of her lungs when something happens that she doesn't like....such as me taking something dangerous away from her (and usually I try to give her something else equally as "cool" to distract her with), not giving her a snack when she wants it (when she has just eaten), or just in general when she doesn't get her way.

I want her to know that being angy is an acceptable feeling. I want to allow her to express herself and feel angry and to have those feelings. I don't want her to hold her anger in...however...I also do not want to be disrespected and yelled at..and am unsure of how to deal with it..and unsure of how to help her cope with her frustrations.

I have told her before that it is not acceptable to yell at me. I have yelled at her *hangs head* and I know obviously that that does NOT help the situation and it's not something I do often.

Lately, I HAVE been squatting to her level and looking her in the eye and telling her that I understand that she is angry and that it is very hard being a baby unable to communicate her feelings sometimes.

We practice baby signs so she does know how to communicate pretty well for a 16 month old in my opinion.

Sorry this is so long..just wondering what, if anything, else I could be doing. I want her to learn HEALTHY coping behaviors when she is upset....but at the same time...I'm trying to be as realistic as I can because I KNOW she is only 16 months old and I'm not sure how I can teach her healthy coping behaviors at this age.

I guess I'm really feeling like I probably just need to change my feelings about her yelling. I think i have such negative feelings towards her "yelling" at me because i was yelled at constantly as a child (hence why I REALLY do not want to be a yeller or have yelling in my home).

Any wise wisdom would be grately appreciated!!!

[capagrl]

Originally Posted by xtara2003x

Lately, I HAVE been squatting to her level and looking her in the eye and telling her that I understand that she is angry and that it is very hard being a baby unable to communicate her feelings sometimes.

This is what I was going to recommend - meet her with empathy instead of anger and it will go a much longer way toward helping her see that you still support her even when she's angry.

Originally Posted by xtara2003x

We practice baby signs so she does know how to communicate pretty well for a 16 month old in my opinion.

Something else you're absolutely doing right!! I'd make sure you help her identify the feeling when you see it. When my son was that age, I'd do the "mad" sign while saying, "Oh, goodness, baby, you look mad." Today, he's 25 months old and when he gets upset or overwhelmed, he often makes a "mad" face and says, "Mad!" followed by either a sad pout or the word, "Hit!" while threatening to hit something. If he wants to hit, I promptly say, "I can see that you're mad, but hitting the TV could break it. You can hit the couch or the pillow if you need to hit something" and sometimes he does, but it's like giving him permission to hit kind of defuses the situation and he gets back to playing, the anger forgotten.

Giving them signs for emotions is a HUGE step in the right direction! Just remember not to *assume* what she's feeling ("You're angry!") but to simply identify what you're seeing as if you're a sports commentator ("Your hands are clenched in fists like *this* and your face looks like *this* - you look angry to me").

Originally Posted by xtara2003x

I'm trying to be as realistic as I can because I KNOW she is only 16 months old and I'm not sure how I can teach her healthy coping behaviors at this age.

You actually CAN lay the foundation for healthy coping behaviors even if you don't see immediate results. The key is in the consistency and the role modelling - remember, what you show her on how to behave has a lot more impact than on what you TELL her on how to behave.

Originally Posted by xtara2003x

I guess I'm really feeling like I probably just need to change my feelings about her yelling. I think i have such negative feelings towards her "yelling" at me because i was yelled at constantly as a child (hence why I REALLY do not want to be a yeller or have yelling in my home).

A keen insight that puts you WAY ahead of the game, mama!! A book recommendation: "The Whole Parent: How to be a Terrific Parent Even if You Didn't Have One" by Debra Wesselman. This has helped me tremendously in overcoming my own upbringing and helped me realize why I become the knee-jerk reactive screaming maniac my mother was with me - and how to make sure that is the exception instead of the rule in parenting my own.

Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can with the information you have AND you're seeking help to learn a better way. Your daughter is extremely blessed to have a mama like you!!!

ETA: Another good book, although not completely GD, but insightful for me anyway, was "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey. The 2key items I got from this book was that what you focus on, you will get more of, so shine a light on the positives and ignore the perceived 'negatives' as much as possible. Also, the subconscious mind is incapable of processing a negative directive, so rather than saying, "Don't yell at me!", try asking her to "Please talk to mommy in a normal voice." Instead of, "Don't slam the door!" (the subconscious mind of a toddler hears "Slam the door"), tell her what you DO want her to do - "Please shut the door gently" and then show her how it's done. You may need to make requests repeatedly - part and parcel of toddlerhood and their capabability to retain lessons, but it WILL pay off!!

[Polliwog]

I think you might be expecting too much from her. Yes, she can sign. But she's just learning that her voice has power. It's not like an older child, or adult, yelling. She's exploring what she can do with sounds she can create.

My almost 18-month-old has begun doing the same thing. She scrunches up her face and fist and screams. It will pass, it really will.

[mama2cal&darby]

I agree with the pp, she really is WAY too young to be expected to express her anger in a more societally acceptable manner. My DS is going on 4 and we have been working on this for years now. He still screams and has big tantrums.
I also think that showing her empathy and modelling calm while allowing her to express herself is what I would do. You can let her know what she can hit (as pp mentioned- pillow rather than TV) if she becomes physical, but even then, don't expect her to take you up on that for a long, long time. In my opinion, while unpleasant for mom, her reactions are completely age appropriate and what a gift she will be given if you allow her to express her emotions and show her that you are not afraid of them- because she very likely is.
I know it's difficult, my DS is extremely emotional and still *goes off* at the tiniest things some days. It is wearying to be on the other end of his emotional outbursts. You may want to pick up Raising Your Spirited Child, if you think she may be one- though she is very likely just a normal toddler.
Good luck. Parenting often feels much more about raising ourselves than our children!

[library lady]

I have a 16 month old and she definitely expresses her displeasure at things. Trying to control anger and other emotions at this age is expecting a bit much in my opinion. They are just learning to really communicate and express themselves. I don't think that they can control something that they are just figuring out.

[xtara2003x]

I really really appreciate all of the responses!! Especially the first one!! That advice and the BTDT helps tremendously!!

I definitely don't expect that she partake in socially acceptable behavior while angry at 16 months...I just wanted to figure out how to basically lay the foundation and how to react to her when she does have these angry outburts.

I"m really glad that MOSTLY everything I am doing is the right way to go. I definitely agree with whoever said that parenting is a lot about raising ourselves rather than our children. Having her has made me want to truly be the best person and mommy I can be...and I seem to always be searching for ways to do so.

I think GD is goign to be one of my personal difficulties at times. From newborn on...I really feel like getting into attatchment parenting and breastfeeding, babywearing, etc, have been the EASY times.....now that she's a toddler...she is sure keepin me on my toes! WHOA!

Anyway...thanks again for all the lovely advice. I'm going to write things down on post its and put them on my mirror in the morning just as a little reminder!