i feel awful right now

[kindacrunchy]

I just totally blew up at my son on the way home from his first day of kindy. I'm so upset with myself. We walked to school which is less than 1 mile away this morning. I brought the bike trailer which converts to a stroller so he could ride home because I knew he would be tired. It is hot, it is lunch time, i'm dripping sweat and I'm halfway up a steep hill when my youngest is yelling "leave me alone" over and over and over. I lean over and tell them to give each other space or room or something and i see my oldest leaning into my youngest and pushing on him super hard. so i tell him to give dylan room and he keeps doing it and my youngest is yelling and then starts crying and climbing out of the stroller. I yell in a super angry voice and really loud "LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!" I want to go home, i'm hot, hungry, thirsty, why cn't my kids get along for 10 minutes so we can get home. I had both of them get out of the stroller and had them walk a little bit but then I realized it was going to take even longer to get home. so i got them back in, agreed there was not much room but to hang in there until we get home because it will take even longer to get home if we have to keep stopping and then thought aloud (ugH) "people walk to school everydy, why do i have problems walking to school?" and my oldest says"mom, look around, everybody has problems." i have been struggling for two years to not yell. and when i do, i get so upset with myself. and on his first day of school. what could i have done differently, why didn't i do that in the first place. why does anger and yelling come naturally and staying calm, stopping, working through the issue such hard work.
i just feel awful right now.

[capagrl]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

why does anger and yelling come naturally and staying calm, stopping, working through the issue such hard work.

No answers. Just much empathy. You are not alone. Just remember that each moment brings a new opportunity to make a better choice. Do not beat yourself up for what is in the past - learn from it and try to do better. You're reaching out for help, input and advice - you're willing and wanting to change and improve. That is HUGE. That is more than probably 90% of parents would be doing. Be proud of yourself for even seeking a better way. Then forgive yourself, hug your kids and make the next moment a better one.

[janasmama]

My kids don't get along a lot of times either...it's very frustrating. Lately I've been working on trying not to yell also...

I have found that if I just stop for moment and breathe, remember that they are children and then handle the situation with calm words instead of 'reacting' the first second then I can be who I want to be. This also leaves room for me to continue that sort of calm behavior because I've already established it for that situation and chances are I'll need it again because do kids ever listen the first time?

I know it's not much but HTH.

[Miranda8880]

you are not alone

Don't beat yourself up. I am doing the single Mom thing right now just for two weeks and struggle everyday to keep calm and reasonable with my very unreasonable two year old. I hate too that the first reaction is to yell and not to think and work every day against it and often feel like I am utterly failing as a mother. So for me it was really nice to read what you wrote and see that other good mothers out there also lose their cool sometimes. You're doing a great job. No one is perfect, no matter how hard we try and want to be.

[swampangel]

Originally Posted by Miranda8880

No one is perfect, no matter how hard we try and want to be.

And being perfect would be terrible for our kids...what a setup for HUGE disappointments and shock out in the world. Being human is all that we can be. I have to remind myself all the time that being perfect does no one any good (aside from the fact that it's impossible!).

I try to take those opportunities when I raise my voice to talk about anger. I try to normalize anger for my oldest at the same time I acknowledge and apologize if my voice gets too loud or scary. I think the best thing we can do for our kids is make sure we can all talk about it and be accountable for ourselves and keep trying to do better.

I also remind my kiddo that he yells and so does his little brother. I don't get scared because I know they are just angry. Raising one's voice seems pretty normal to me at times. Sometimes you just get really angry and little kids can really bring that out when the task/wonder/joy of raising them is so relentless. I fantasize that when my kids get older, I'll still get angry but hopefully those hot buttons won't get pushed as frequently.

[Zing]

I feel for you right now, as I just experienced great frustration putting my youngest down to sleep for the night. I've also had sweet, vulnerable, educational moments with my oldest daughter (4 yrs) lately explaining to her that I am trying to get upset less often. Kids love to know that their parents make mistakes too. So, my daughter seems relieved and rejoicing in the fact that we both have stuff to learn and are "growing up" together (although I'm mid- 30s).

[awallrising]

Yes, please please please don't beat yourself up. You are allowed to lose your temper once in a while esp. when you are hot, tired, etc. You don't need to be perfect. Just take it as a learning opportunity. You can always apologize to the kids, which is a good thing so they don't expect you to be perfect & they get experience with a sincere apology.

I guess yelling is a more primitive response to things, which is why a lot of clueless unaware people just yell & hit all the time. Remaining calm under stress with self-talk & discipline requires higher brain function along with the willingness to care & make the effort.

I am exhausted & stressed today & my 1 yr old wouldn't nap & drove me nuts.

[swampangel]

Originally Posted by Zing

IKids love to know that their parents make mistakes too. So, my daughter seems relieved and rejoicing in the fact that we both have stuff to learn and are "growing up" together (although I'm mid- 30s).

This is so healthy and, I think, what we should strive for. Not getting angry and losing our cool probably isn't a reasonable expectation all the time. But talking about it, making sure your kids understand that it's you who is having a hard time and not them being "bad" is really important. I think making sure they don't feel responsible for your outburst is very important and then letting them know that we can move through these moments and be ok.

The real trouble comes when things aren't talked about and kids live in fear of what might happen next.

Originally Posted by awallrising

I guess yelling is a more primitive response to things, which is why a lot of clueless unaware people just yell & hit all the time. Remaining calm under stress with self-talk & discipline requires higher brain function along with the willingness to care & make the effort.

I am exhausted & stressed today & my 1 yr old wouldn't nap & drove me nuts.

Oh my goodness, I know those days. I think you're absolutely right that yelling is very primitive. And when we're sleep deprived and managing other people 24/7, we're bound to get to that part of ourselves. It's only natural.

My introverted side gets very neglected at times, and I find I just desperately need to be alone. It's just time I need to recharge.

I agree with everyone...don't beat yourself up. I would encourage you (as I keep encouraging myself!) to just remember to use those moments to learn from for both of you. Striving to not have that happen again just sets one up for failure, IMO. The more we talk about it, the more likely we are to do it differently next time and there's also a dialogue that's been established about it which is so healthy.

[moonyoungi]

I agree with all the pps and to add, maybe you can use double stroller instead of bike trailer, or a trail-a-bike?? I don't like to have both of my boys in the trailer b/c the younger one ALWAYS cries after 5 minutes from all the harassments from the older one...uugghhh I also had bad day b/c my older one was pushing my younger one throughout the whole day. I was getting some unwholesome thoughts. Luckily my husband came home in time to take the older one out.

[LookMommy!]

Well, not really dealing with the overall big issue - but I find that if kiddos have a treat in their strollers (popsicles, healthy lollipops, juice boxes) and mom gets a nice iced coffee before she starts out, everyone is much much happier on the way.:

[Kelly Jene]

Originally Posted by capagrl

No answers. Just much empathy. You are not alone. Just remember that each moment brings a new opportunity to make a better choice. Do not beat yourself up for what is in the past - learn from it and try to do better. You're reaching out for help, input and advice - you're willing and wanting to change and improve. That is HUGE. That is more than probably 90% of parents would be doing. Be proud of yourself for even seeking a better way. Then forgive yourself, hug your kids and make the next moment a better one.

:

[blessed]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

...my oldest says"mom, look around, everybody has problems."

Wow, what a smart little guy .

Sounds like a hot, sticky trip home, for everybody. It's understandable that you guys were feeling grumpy about it. I think the message your son heard was more along the lines of 'hey, this is tough enough - you need to help out instead of make thngs harder please'. And that's okay.

[angela&avery]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

I why didn't i do that in the first place. why does anger and yelling come naturally and staying calm, stopping, working through the issue such hard work.
i just feel awful right now.

well i can tell you that when my 7 and almost 5 year old were 3 and 1, I was in the same situation and now that they are older I am much calmer. Its very stressful having little ones...

I found during that time that I was the most "on" when I was reading some kind of Gentle Discipline book.. it reminded me constantly of what tools I could use. Siblings Without Rivarly, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, Playful Parenting, Hold Onto Your Kids ... and more....

I learned a lot in Siblings Without Rivalry on how to best handle the fighting and I can tell you it worked!!!!
They talk a lot about trying to stay out of the fights and to not blame one child or the other if possible. . I found that if I always addressed both children it caused less hurt feelings... Divide and conquer, seperate....

In the bike situation, its like the car..... pull over until they are done fighting. period.
"wow guys, its going to take a really long time to get home if I have to keep pulling over because you are fighting".

ANd really , its ok... Im a somewhat converted yeller, but I still have days were I yell.... no the crazy yell I used to do though!!! . I promise you will get there..... I used to come here and post, and good ole Sledg would pick me up and send me on my way again saying that you have made the first step.... you recognize that you dont want to yell and that is so important! You WILL get there because you want to get there. And you can let your kids know that your yelling was a mistake and you are trying really hard not to do that......

You can do it!! you will get there!!

[kindacrunchy]

thank you everybody! i felt much better after i posted and decided thast while it is hot, i need to just pick him up in the car. also realizing he will be tired after school until he gets used to it and that i should probably eat before i fet him instead of waiting. AND, the hormones are surging right now an I always have a crazy moment during that time.
so thank you for your support and suggestions. this is all such a HUGE journey fro me.