Disciplining a 13 month old

[awallrising]

My son is VERY active. I have my house pretty well baby-proofed, but there are still some danger spots, which he always gravitates towards. How on earth do I maintain gentle discipline with someone who will go back over & over to something he shouldn't do, esp. when it is very very dangerous. I find myself yelling too much & I don't like it. I know how to distract, etc. but sometimes that is really tough. I am also alone for the vast majority of the day with him, DH is gone over 12 hrs every day.

[Nekawa Ma]

A 13 month old is still a baby. He has no impulse control. No amount of yelling or "discipline" is going to change that. You simply cannot expect him to control his own actions or understand when he's in danger. You need to be there to move him out of harm's way, move dangerous objects out of his way, and redirect--redirect--redirect. It's exhausting and frustrating, yeah.. and being alone with a baby for so long during the day is really hard. Can you get out of the house with him more often?

[ChetMC]

Maybe Post...

I totally agree with Nekawa Ma. Your DS is too young for impulse control. Baby proofing and redirection pretty much what you've got to work with at this age.

Also, try to make positive statements... give him dos instead of don't. "Do sit on your bum or your knees," is preferable to, "don't stand on chairs."

Try to figure out the attraction to things. What makes him want to do the dangerous things? Can you make them less appealing?

Maybe post the specific danger spots that you're dealing with. Surely others have dealt with the same issues and will have some ideas.

[awallrising]

Yes, he is a baby, no impulse control (will be my new mantra). I know that & understand that stage of development, but it's hard to not get frustrated & yell at times. I do give him a lot of positive reinforcement & am pretty consistent with emphasizing the positive & not focusing on what he is doing wrong like ChetMC said. In general, I really limit "no", "don't" etc., but he such a little nut it just gets to be to much. Plus he doesn't even react when I yell. I am determined to stop yelling.....the problem is when I am super tired or am just burned out from being alone with him.

Oh, danger spots. First of all, he's as big as a 2 yr old, very tall & has a long reach, which makes all of this even worse. He has now taken to climbing his Tripp Trapp (highchair) just to climb or to get things, he loves to climb on the oven door. I tried a stove guard but it didn't work on our stove. I got 3rd degree burns from a stove top when I was 2 & am terrified that will happen to him. I absolutely love that he explores & is so curious & I'm not a nervous Nelly type...I want him to develop his balance, vestibular system, etc. It is just so hard that he has no fear. It's just where we are right now, right? I think the hard part is being alone a lot. I do get out with him, but it's still so much work for 1 very tired person. And to top it off, I have to teach DH how to deal with him b/c he came from the school of hardknocks envionment (e.g. MIL told me to let DS fuss alone in his crib at 3 weeks old....WTF!?) He's learning, but it's still a PITA to have to teach him gentle discipline on top of DSs antics.

[birdie22]

Do you have a room that is totally babyproofed? Someplace where you can go with him and read a book or close your eyes and know that he can't hurt himself? Being on 24/7 guard duty is exhausting.

You might set up a simple climbing area in your home. My mom has a toddler slide in her den that ds loved at that age, or maybe a bit older. Very inexpensive, and it folds up for storage.

I would strongly recommend a gate for the kitchen, however complicated it may be to set up. It would be worth it in peace of mind, especially considering your well-founded fears about the stove.

All I'm suggesting is more of the baby-proof and redirect. Just go a little bit further with it, so that you don't have to live with constant stress and frustration.

This is a very tough time, mama. Eventually it will get better, but right now you only have a few options available. Make full use of them to save your sanity.

[mom22girls]

My DD2 was like that. She could manage to make any spot in the house a "danger" spot. I tried everything - from letting her climb on the dangerous things in the house with me around (hoping the fascination would extinguish) to playing the "ohhhh, maybe not" game and moving her to another room in the house. Sometimes, you do have to honor the impulse (like let him climb with your supervision) other times, Birdie22's advice of having a room where you can zone..

Stay sane!

[laneysprout]

DD is 14 months and at this age it is really just a lot of distraction and redirection as PPs mentioned. I know it an be exhausting, though .

[awallrising]

Our family room is mostly babyproofed, but I don't have a gate for the kitchen yet. I don't know how many $100s we've spent on gates. Plus he will scream his head off (if he's tired) if I leave him in the family room & work in the kitchen, even if he can see me. The reality is that there is no room that I can 100% babyproof, it would literally have to have no furniture, nothing to climb on, padded floors, walls, etc. The family room has no coffee table, the fireplace has a gate, electronics are out of reach & so on.

Giving him a climbing outlet is a great idea. A friend offered me an extra slide that they have. Climb up, slide down, climb up, slide down. I do love that he thinks about these things & figures out a way to get where he wants to go. I turned around to find him on the kitchen table on all fours. I got him right down but actually thought it was pretty funny.

Thanks for all the kind advice.

[tatermom]

I'm right there with you! DS2 is 13 mos and is very stubborn, determined to climb up on everything and to do everything that he sees big people doing (he gets into way way more trouble than DS1 did at this age!). It is exhausting! I too have yelled from time to time, out of sheer frustration, but I always know that it's ridiculous to expect him to be able to control his impulses-- he's so young! In fact, the more frustrated I get, the more he thinks it's a funny game. I second the pps who said to try to get out more. Can you go to playgrounds more often, or even just an open field and get him to walk around a lot? DS is a little less crazy when he's had the chance to get some of that energy out. Plus we got a climber for our backyard (though you could get one for inside your house if you don't have a yard) and he spends a lot of time climbing that. Good luck!!

[MidgeMommy]

Ok, well, I have a 13 month old as well, and I'm going to disagree with some of the PP's. My daughter KNOWS when she shouldn't do certain things. I have never yelled at her in anger, (although I have screamed a few times in fear, once when she was trying to pull the oven door down while it was on, and another time when she was on the edge of a three foot ledge chasing her ball) but I do shake my head and say 'no,' and try to entice her with something different. If she doesn't 'go for it,' I will pick her up and move her to something appropriate that she enjoys. Sometimes this means she will tantrum, sometimes she will try to end up right back where she was, and I will block and redirect again, but allowing her to do it, whatever it is, takes years off my life and puts her at risk.

However, she now remembers that the oven is off limits, and this is how I did it; after a fifteen minute session of her and I in the kitchen, with pots on the floor a few feet away. Whenever she went near the oven, I would shake my head and say 'no,' then point to the pots and pans, maybe bang on them a few times. If she didn't come back and play with me, I would pick her up and put her with the pots and pans, and engage her in playing with them. After about two fifteen second screams when I took her away from the oven, she realized that playing with Mommy and the pots and pans was MUCH more interesting than the oven.

You can only do that with so many things, of course, and I firmly believe in picking your battles and saying 'yes' as much as possible, so I have chosen the oven, our DVD's (my sanity was being lost with them all over the floor, and we have no where else to keep them that was accessible), and soon the books in our room.

We also did the same sort of theory with 'my turn;' where, if she finds something she shouldn't have, I say my turn and put out my hand, and 90% of the time she hands it over (seems to be almost a reflex) and as soon as she does I'll say 'thank you' and smile really big and tickle her, or roughhouse with her, shower her with kisses, etc. I'm not really a praise sort of person (not against it, but definitely against over-using it).

I'm never mean with her, but she honestly grasps the concept of 'not available,' she just needs some incentive/options. I agree that she doesn't have a certain amount of impulse control, but as long as she has options that are more positively associated, and as long as you reinforce that positive association, she will choose the one that is 'right,' in the sense that she chooses the one that serves her better. Playing with Mommy is much more fun than the oven/the DVD's/the books, because she isn't 'allowed' to play with them enough to REALIZE that they're fun. Does that all make sense? I realize I wrote a small pamphlet...

[MamaRabbit]

I have 13mo old twin DDs. One is walking; one is climbing. Climbing is much scarier!!! So far, she has discovered she can climb the ladder on the bunk bed (ladder is now up all day), onto the kitchen table (items she was using for boosting have been removed), the kitchen counter (that was me stupiding leaving out the stroller, which she climbed into, up the back, and onto the counter!).

Redirection over and over. And like MidgeMommy said, something played with mommy are much more interesting than something they've not had a chance to explore and play with which is much more boring.

[kittn]

my favorite distraction technique...
look Nate.. berries! lets have some.
he will drop just about anything for food. so if its really a big deal that is my secret weapon

[InDaPhunk]

I have sort of opposite advice of everyone regarding babyproofing. Instead of babyproofing more, perhaps you should babyproof less. I mean, clearly you don't want him to burn himself on the stove so you should either wear him while you cook, block him off with chairs or give him something so engrossing while you cook that he doesn't care about the stove any longer, but I think you could unbabyproof a lot of the stuff you have and let him explore more. Bring back the coffee table and unguard the fireplace. DS loved to climb ladders when he was that age- I mean obsessed- so I'd just stand there while he did it, once it was out of his system it was much less tempting to do.

I have a guideline that I've always followed as far as allowing DS to explore his environment: if it's won't kill him I let him do it. My DS was and still is a madman. He walked at nine months and always was a climber and tested every limit possible. The words "don't do that" only made him more determined to do whatever it was. Somehow we've managed to escape ER visits for broken bones, and while he's had bruises and scrapes galore he's never had a real injury (knock wood). He's always been extremely coordinated and I think it's partly because v.v early on I let him do just about everything- he fell a lot but learned about gravity quickly and acquired amazing balance early on. Often, I'd stand right behind/beside him so I could catch him in case he was really going to bust it, but as soon as I knew that he knew his limits on an activity I let him do it on his own and if he fell, he fell, oh well, that just happens sometimes. He'd cry and I'd kiss it better then he go back to whatever he'd been doing with new knowledge about how not to fall again.

Also, it sounds to me that you need a break. You mentioned that your DH works a lot- and truly that's not even all that relevant to the issue- and that tells me you need a break, sister! So find a way to get one, take care of yourself.

[awallrising]

InDaPhunk- I actually do allow him to be very adventurous. I let him climb the stairs, climb in his highchair & do all sorts of other crazy things in hopes that he will develop his sense of balance, increase his experience, etc.

As far as the fireplace, if he were to hit his head on it, it would probably split open (its rough concrete made to look like stone). I am very good at distracting him but when he is determined, he is determined.

I usually have a babysitter that comes once a week, which is a big help. I just need DH home more.

[N8'sMom]

Originally Posted by kittn

my favorite distraction technique...
look Nate.. berries! lets have some.
he will drop just about anything for food. so if its really a big deal that is my secret weapon

nak-

oh yeah food does it for my nate as well!!

[prothyraia]

When there's something that I can't keep my son out of, I put it behind a gate. Most of our house is open (one room is entirely-off limits), and the other rooms just have certain areas blocked off. We got a "superyard" and stick it together in whatever configuration we need and then wedge it between furniture to keep it in place. You could also come up with a way to attach/tie it to the wall.

[famousmockngbrd]

The answers are so obvious, but they can be so hard to put into practice. They all get it, eventually, but this baby tween stage is so hard. They seem like they should get it! But they just don't.

IMO, as soon as someone is capable of understanding that a hot stove will burn them, they will take reasonable and age-appropriate precautions to keep from getting burned, i.e. they won't just toddle over to it and pull the oven door open, or pull a boiling pot down off the burner. Before then, you just have to protect them from themselves. I'd say most kids can't be trusted around hot stoves before 2, at least.