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Will this backfire-had my hearing and it did

4K views 41 replies 24 participants last post by  Still_Snarky 
#1 ·
So I have a hearing with my x next tuesday in regards to his request for primary custody. Currently we have joint phsyical custody with me being the custodial parent.

My x husband does not want my son to attend kindergarten in my nieghborhood he wants him to attend kindergarten in his which is about 60 miles from my house. He is also requesting child support because he currently has "no income." He also feels he can provide the best after school enviroment for our son because he works from home.

So about a month ago I requested vaction time because I had family in town through from August 7th to August 12th. My son also started kindergarten at that time so I went ahead and enrolled him(which his dad was aware of).

Yet his dad had no idea that kindergarten started last monday . I requested vacation time Monday and Tuesday because his dad normally has those days and I wanted to make sure our son attends his first day of kindergarten without any interference from his dad. I also requested the vacation time out of fear that his dad would refuse to take him those days.

Last night I emailed his dad telling him that our son is now attending kindergarten in my nieghborhood and that he is responsible for making sure he gets to school next monday and tuesday.

Our objection hearing is set for this tuesday but until that time I am the primary, and judges rarely change the situation unless I am an unfit mother.

Do you think this will backfire. Will his dad use the vacation time request that I made over a month ago against me. I just wanted the first week of kindergarten for our little one to be as smooth as possible and yes I requested vacation time to ensure this. His dad has already contacted the school and asked the staff some questions in regards to whether his son is there or not.

Any suggestions as to what I should say to the judge if this comes up?
 
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#3 ·
Wait, why would your request for vacation time be held against you? #1-It's your vacation, take it when you want to. #2-You had family there and school was starting. Both of those make sense.

And if your ex was so concerned about your child's schooling, he should have known when school actually started.
 
#4 ·
I take it you mean you're the primary custodial parent, and that your son spends most of the week with you.

1. If he works from home, how is it he has no income?
2. What difference does this make if your son's going to be in school most of the day anyway?
3. Why would you put him in school an hour away from where he normally lives?

Frankly, if anyone's taking on a risk, it's your ex. I think a judge is more likely to look at the arrangement and ask why you guys are sharing custody during the school week when you live an hour apart, and want to rearrange things so that the boy doesn't have to spend crazy hours in the car on school days.

I wouldn't worry.
 
#5 ·
Exactly my vacation is my vacation it doesn't matter what I choose to do with it. I would love for his dad to be involved with his first day of kindergarten but based on his resistance and strong desire to win custody I chose to make the decision to request for Vacation time.

I'd be suprised if he takes are little one to school next monday and Tuesday. I guess I will have to mention to the judge out our hearing that he chose not to take him to school those days. I emailed him notification yesterday.

I think I am doing the best to not confuse my son. Yet I do feel bad because he wants his dad to share his kindergarten experience.
 
#6 ·
Not a single mom but

I think what you are doing is fine , you have kept him well informed of everything and just keep on documenting everything especially if your child misses school most judges hate that .. Keep all Documentation , letters, school records etc. Show the judge your willingness to try to work things out with him.

Also I would let the school know what is going on , most schools need/want a copy of your current custody agreement showing you are custodial parent ..
This is wise for limiting who can pick up the child and also might prevent anything like if he tries to pull the child out of school..
If the school has a custody agreement in hand they can do more legally to protect the child ..

Hope everything works out for you !!!
 
#8 ·
I think you're worrying too much about the vacation issue. I think you should totally forget about it and not even bring it up. The less said the better. It really is irrelevant, but it seems to me you're concerned about it bcs you think it shows you were being deceptive a month ago. Let it go.

Bottom line: You told your ex that you enrolled your son in Kindy and he was aware of it. Presumably he didn't protest - that's your implication. Document it. How can you prove he was aware of it? Did you email him? Print that out. Did you call him? Bring in a calendar where you wrote down that you called him. Didn't document it yet? Document it now and bring that. Frankly, you would look irresponsible to the judge if you had not enrolled your son in your Kindy, started him and done all you could for a smooth transition to K. If you are positive that your ex knew about Kindy, also document whether he showed up to "wish him well", or called him, or whatever he could have done as a caring parent. If he did nothing, then say that.

It doesn't really matter, bcs even if he was fine with it a month ago, he can change his mind now and ask the judge to reassign primary custody. It's his right to petition for that. I bet it won't happen, given that he is apparently unemployed, this woudl require a big change for your son, and maybe another big change once dad got a job and had to leave hte house for work. This is how the judge will see it, I bet.

Did he email you that he wants child support bcs he has no income? If so, print that sucker out and bring it with you.

I really think working from home has nothing to do with providing the best school environment. He can argue that it's better for him to be home after school, but that's not a big issue with judges. Especially when it can change once ex gets a job. I'd ignore it. I'd go to the hearing ready to paint a picture of you are the stable one, with a plan in force for the kid's well-being and leave it to your ex to persuade the judge to change that.

Out of curiosity, when did your ex move 60 miles away? Recently? Do either of you own a house, by any chance? That can weigh in.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for the support tangent.

In response to your questions:

We have a custody evaluator involved with this case. The x is refusing to pay him to complete the evaluation. He claims that he has "no income" and paying the evaluator is quite " a burden on him especially since he has two kids and a stay at home wife to support." Yet he can pay his lawyer to represent him in our hearing next week. I will be representing myself, pro se, I can't afford a lawyer and I have already paid my portion to the evaluator. I also filed documents with the court in regards to this matter.

In our co joint meeting with the evaluator the school issue thing came up. The evaluator told us that since I am primary that our son would have to go to school in my nieghborhood. Yet he told both of us to enroll our son in both schools. The school in my nieghborhood started on August 11th the school in his dads nieghborhood starts August 25th.

As far as living apart. When we were married we lived in the house that my x lives in, we rented the house from his parents. He was unfaithful and refused to work so I filed for divorce and moved to the city where all the economic oppurtunities are. He still lives in the suburb in the same house and is still renting from his parents.

I moved to the city 3 years ago and about a year ago I bought a house that is only a few blocks away from my work and our son's elementary school. I stay current on all financial obligations where as the x does not and always has an excuse. I know he does not work from home but he is using this tactic to win over the judge.
 
#10 ·
From what I know, as long as you were the custodial parent, you can of course make that decision. KG started before the hearing and that was unavoidable.

I hear you feeling like you have something to worry about. I don't think so. I think you need more confidence. Usually a judge sees that a certain situation has been working fine and so there is no reason to change it now.

And your dh works from home yet makes no income? Mmm-kay. Not too good for wanting primary physical custody, IMO!
 
#11 ·
Well my x left a message with me last night stating I need to call him immediately. He was clearly recording our conversation he was drilling me with questions. Telling me I lied to him about the vacation time. He told me that I told him we were suppose to be in Jackson Hole Wyoming and that he recorded me saying that. Yet I know he doesn't have a recording of me saying that because I never said it. I simply asked for vacation time in an email I sent to him over a month ago.

I served him a certified letter stating that he is responsible for our son's attendence at school Monday and Tuesday because those are his parent time days.

My x stated on the phone to me " that he is disturbed that I didn't inform him of our son's first day of kindergarten and how sellfish I am for not informing him." He demanded that I say sorry on the phone.

I didn't inform him because I wanted our son's transition into ks to be as smooth as possible. I was fearful that he might pull him out of ks or not take him at all, which would only confuse our son.

I told him that he needs to claim down and that I had family in town and that I had to make sure our son would attend school with no interruptions.

We have a hearing tommorrow. He will bring this up.

Also after he picked our son up last night for his parent time. Within 30 minutes I had police at my door asking me if I hit my child. WTF!. This is how desperate my x is in getting full custody. Using our son as a weapon is way out of line.

I told the police that we are involved in a custody battle and that at this point his dad is willing to make any accusations possible to win. He has a winner take all attitude. The police left my house and told me to try to have has little contact as possible the x, because it is clear that he will try to use the law to win.

Help, how can we communicate when I always worry about accusations. I know this is a long thread but really is this just. His dad will probably harass me for custody until our son turns 18.
 
#12 ·
Keep fighting! You can't let this guy have your son. I know it's tempting, but if he got custody, you'd never see your son.

I feel bad for your situation. I really hope that something good comes of this.

Lisa
 
#13 ·
Yikes, mama! I just wanted to send you a


Your ex is really acting nuts- but he will shoot himself in the foot, I promise. Make sure you document EVERYTHING. His calling the police was probably helpful to you, because now there is an official record of his willingness to lie and intimidate you. How can you bring documentation of this to court? I only hope he brings his taped conversation to court, so he can prove to the judge what a complete a$$ he's being.

This is going to turn out fine! Eventually he will have to drop it. I just hope he doesn't drop out of your son's life with his 'all or nothing' attitude.
 
#14 ·
I would be royally pissed if my XH put our child in school - FIRST day of kindergarden and did not tell me or allow me to participate. If you have joint custody then why did you not involve him?

That said, it sounds like a nasty battle and very difficult for both of you.

I hope things turn out well for everyone concerned.

As for the police showing up - WTF? That would put me over the edge.

As it stands right now you both are sharing custody which means you are going to have to make an effort to legally honor that.

hugs mama - I hope it gets better soon!
 
#15 ·
I know I feel so bad for not informing him. I made this decision because I didn't want his transition into kindergarten to be interrupted. I didn't want his dad to show up and make a scene. He would too, he has done it in the past with the montossorri school.

So Iam fearful that the judge might award him primary because of this.
 
#16 ·
It's unlikely that he will be given primary, BUT.... since you created the distance, it is entirely possible that you will be charged with doing all the transportation. And that's really only fair, especially with today's gas prices. So... I would start figuring out how you're going to get kiddo to school on the mornings Dad has him, and back to Dad's afterward.
 
#17 ·
Ya I might have to do the driving. We are going infront of the same commissioner that ordered that we have: joint legal custody, with mom being the custodial.

I would do the driving if I could but I have to be at work at 8 am everyday. His dad claims he works at home. He does have a more flexible schedule than I do. I just wish he wasn't always trying to prove I am unfit because I work.
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mtnmumma View Post
Ya I might have to do the driving. We are going infront of the same commissioner that ordered that we have: joint legal custody, with mom being the custodial.

I would do the driving if I could but I have to be at work at 8 am everyday. His dad claims he works at home. He does have a more flexible schedule than I do. I just wish he wasn't always trying to prove I am unfit because I work.

Bolding mine. You have the right and the OBLIGATION to educate your child. You are the custodial parent, meaning the child lives with you. MEANING the child goes to school where you live. END OF DISCUSSION.

Now that the child in in school, I would expect to courts to start a EOWend visit schedule.
 
#21 ·
mama the key thing here is you got to stay CONFIDENT. you got to believe in yourself. you got to show you did the right things. you DID!!!! because of past experience you did not tell him about first day of school.

have faith in yourself. the demeanour with which you stand in front of the judge - esp. as you are representing yourself, is going to be of utmost importance.

you know you have done the right things. you have nothing to hide. you have dotted all the eyes and crossed all the t's. you have taken care of your child.

this is a v. critical time of your life. you are scared. yet you cannot allow fear to put u down. fear is a terrible thing. it clouds your vision.

if worse comes to the worse the worst happens. you are a fighter. you will fight it tooth and nail. yes i am sorry you have to deal with this till your child is 18. it is something i have to deal with too. and many mamas on this board are in the same situation.

we can all empathise with you. dont ever think you are the one doing wrong. do not let yourself get emotional. i know these are easy things for me to write and difficult for you to do. when others were telling me i was thinking the same thought. but they were so right.

you have a lot to prepare for your case. and you need proof for every little thing. the court wants to see a cool and efficient mama who has papers to back up everything she says.

just because he has a lawyer doesnt mean he has won. let me tell u my friend took a huge law firm to court. they threatened her. tried to scare her. made her more determined. she made sure she got everything in order. even other lawyers were telling her to withdraw her case. the law firm had botched up her divorce. and she won. she won every penny she had paid them. all her alimony and financial stuff that the lawyers had screwed up all got sorted out.

so be calm mama. look at his actions for what they are. scare tactics. hoping to scare you and have you mess up. dont fall for those tricks.

all the best. just because one gets nasty doesnt mean they win. dont ever assume the bad.
 
#22 ·
i know you said you didn't inform him but if he was aware you were going to enroll him in the school near you (and he did since the custodial mediator said to)why didnt HE find out when the first day is. he could have called the school to find out. why didn't he. My X got hammered for things like that as well as not paying the GAL
 
#24 ·
Well the commissioner did get in my face about the school issue. I need to recover from it though. I am a little confused as to what I am required. The commissioner made the following ruling:

The court finds the petitioner, which is me, has been designated as the primary custodial parent. The child will continue to go to the school of the petitioner. The Petitioner will continue to pick up the child at 2:45.

????? I am really confused about the 2:45 pm pickup. I have to work from 8:00 am to 5 p.m. The commissioner did look at me and did state that it is not fair to enroll our son into an after school program if the dad is at home and can provide a great enviroment at home.

I basically stated that right now our son is enrolled in all day kindergarten which gets out at 2:45 and that I am available to pick up at 2:45. I did not however specify if Ryker will be in a afterschool program.

Yet my x's attorney stood up and asked the commissioner inforce a rule that he cannot be in the afterschool program. The Commissioner said that I expect the mother to pick up the child at 2:45 after that point the isssue is between the parents to decide.

So now I am really confused am I allowed to enroll him in a after school program?
 
#26 ·
would your work adjust your hours so you can be off at 2:45 for a while? I would be there for pickups and if not me, then I would send a friend of family member. I wouldn't send my child to the aftercare after that kind of comment, although technically maybe you could pick up at 2:45 and walk your child over to aftercare.

Congratulations you have your child enrolled in the school that is by you. I bet that it is a huge relief to have it approved by the court.
 
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