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For those NOT finding out sex - why not?

post #1 of 31
Thread Starter 
Our story: We decided to keep u/s to a minimum. But, if we went ahead with a 20 week u/s, we were going to go ahead and find out the sex. I had an u/s at 6.5 weeks due to some spotting and planned travel - saw a healthy baby and heartbeat. We've heard the heartbeat at every Dr/MW appointment since, so we have a pretty good indication all is well. Still, as this is our first baby and I'm planning a homebirth, we originally intended to go ahead and getting the 20 week u/s for the anatomy scan. I even scheduled it for August 25th.

Theeeeen I realized that our insurance sucks way worse than I thought it did, and I have a $5,000 maternity deductible, before which NOTHING is covered! Whoops. : I found out that "routine" 20 week u/s was going to cost us upward of $500. Um... that's a lot of cloth diapers, y'know!? I'm certainly not a cheapskate when it comes to health, but my gut is telling me that the u/s is unnecessary, so it's not a health issue. If I had an instinct telling me otherwise, I'd do it... but I'm not spending that kind of money on something purely elective.

Soooo we decided we wouldn't be finding out after all, for financial reasons. Then, my MW mentioned that if we really want to know the sex, we could go to a pregnancy center here in town and they will do a basic u/s (not a full anatomy scan) and could tell us the sex. (They'd do it free, though I'd feel like I should at least give a donation.) Anyway, we pondered that for a few days, but I decided that a) I don't want to subject the baby to u/s just for the sake of knowing if it's a boy or a girl, and b) I had actually gotten pretty stoked about the idea of a surprise.

Ultimately, we decided that this baby will be a surprise after all. I told DH that I look at it this way: It's our first, and there will probably be more. If we get to the birth of this babe and decide it really wasn't a big deal to find out sex at the big "It's a ___" birth moment, we can always find out earlier with the next. I can't imagine regretting waiting - but I can imagine finding out early and regretting not waiting.

So, that's why we're having a mystery bean. I don't really like gender-specific colors in the first place, so I'm totally okay with a bunch of neutrals. The only thing that is a little hard is not being able to call the baby by his/her name - we haven't come up with a good nickname, and saying "the baby" is getting a little old.
post #2 of 31
I enjoyed the suprise of not knowing with the first (people were shocked we weren't going to find out). With the twins we found out, but kept it a secret (which made people MAD!?). This time I think we will find out, so I know if I need to keep enough boy stuff for 1 or get rid of all the boy stuff. But then again, it is fun to open the package Christmas morning!
post #3 of 31
Ooohhh...I think this subject touches a nerve for some people! When I was pregnant with DS1 I was working and when co-workers (mostly women) discovered I was not going to find out the gender - they were MAD! I went out on an appt and found out later that there had been a huge discussion and then argument because I wouldn't find out!! Apparently some thought I should use the technology because it is there...(well...so is the Atom Bomb!).

Anyway - we've always really enjoyed the "high" that comes at the birth - with both the birth and finding out if it is a boy or girl! So fun for us!

Also...we kinda like the "natural' ness of not finding out...we try to do a lot of natural things (no pain meds, no iv etc..) during our birth so it fits for us!

That said - I sure do like it when my friends find out the sex of their babies! So fun to find out early! LOL. :

post #4 of 31
I just really like the idea of being surprised on delivery day! I think finding out early is like sneaking a peak at your presents before Christmas. It takes all the fun out of it! I can't wait to hear "It's a _______!" when s/he comes out! I think that's so cool.
post #5 of 31
I wasn't going to find out with tis one (we knew with 3, didn't know with 2). But, because of some issues, I will have 2 more ultrasounds. THe temptation is too great, so I will find out.

With a homebirth, I might be more likely to want the "Big" ultrasound, just to be prepared. But I did have a baby with a heart defect, so I am on a different level than most, sine the majority of people have a perfect healthy baby! I am having a hard time getting to the point where I am confident this baby will be ok.

Anyway, I didn't find out the firt two times becuase I thought it would be fun. I found out the next three times because I thought it would be fun. EIther way, it is a surprise! And the birthing moment is amazing, no matter what!
post #6 of 31
Thread Starter 
Apparently some thought I should use the technology because it is there...(well...so is the Atom Bomb!).

post #7 of 31
I found out with ds by chance..saw his lil thing while getting an ultrasound...

were covered for all u/s needed by ohip so I will be going for my 20 week next week..but im not finding out

you only get a handful of good surprises in life and this is one of them, my family(some) are right MAD that im not finding out, cause they want to know...even if i did find out id never tell anyone!!! lol!!!
post #8 of 31
With DD I didn't want to know because it was my first pregnancy and I wanted the full experience. I LOVE surprises, and I didn't want the process to be anti-climatic because I already knew the gender. (I'm one that HATES knowing what I'm getting for Christmas.) Our family (well, my ILs) were so annoyed and tried so hard to talk us into it that I became even more strong willed about not finding out. I told DH that if he wanted to find out with any subsequent children that would be ok with me. Right after DD was born, friends who were told they were having a boy had their girl. Seeing the range of emotions they went through, I would NEVER in a million years wish that on my worst enemy. Their OB was mortified, that was the first time she had ever been wrong, etc. But, while I was pregnant I learned of more and more people being told wrong. Which, I just couldn't go through.

After DD was born DH decided that there was no need to find out. The baby doesn't sleep in their nursery for the first few months, they're going to be in sleepers for the first few weeks. Does it matter if they're pink, yellow, green, or blue? Besides, there are so few TRUE surprises left in life, I am going to take the ones I get.

That being said, my best friend is due 2 days before me and ALL over me for not finding out on Tuesday. They told her she's having a girl on Monday. Well, they told her they "didn't see anything". I hope the tech really did see girl parts, or she's going to be quite disappointed when the baby comes out.
post #9 of 31
We didn't find out with DD because we just liked the idea of a surprise. I had quite a few ultrasounds and always started the visit first thing by warning them that I didn't want to know the sex. It drove some people crazy but others were proud of us for going against the grain. My mom was there for DD's birth and got to announce the sex to us. My mom died of cancer last year so that is a very, very treasured memory for me. Not knowing the sex was great motivation for me when I was getting frustrated with pushing too.

DH wanted to find out this time so we could "prepare". Ummmm, all our newborn stuff is gender neutral since we didn't know with DD. The nursery (they'll share a room eventually) is gender neutral. And frankly, I don't really care if my newborn boy is in pink or girl is in blue! I told DH that it was my uterus so I get veto power. Bottom line? We're not finding out this time either!
post #10 of 31
For us, it doesn't matter if we are having a boy or a girl. We're just excited to know that he or she is coming.

I truly like the surprise. I love pushing that last little bit and the anticipation. Then there is the announcement of "here she is!" So fun.
post #11 of 31
I think that "mystery bean" is a good non-gender-specific pre-birth nickname
post #12 of 31
Originally Posted by KatyLinda View Post
But, while I was pregnant I learned of more and more people being told wrong. Which, I just couldn't go through.
This is part of it, for us. Mostly, it's that we're with a mw and it would be extra expense and effort to have an US, mostly for the purpose of finding out gender. And I just don't care that much.

But we did have the US last time, and my husband didn't like the knowing-but-not-really-knowing-for-sure that it brought, since we knew WAY too many examples of people having been told wrong.

In any case, we never called the baby by her eventual name in utero- I didn't want to get attached to her as Ariadne and then find out she was a boy, and I'd been using the wrong name (clearly she wasn't). OR it was possible the name just wouldn't fit her. But it did, perfectly, so Ariadne it was. In utero, though, she was "Sesquipedalian" or "Little Sesqui". I agree that having a womb name is important.
post #13 of 31
Didn't with DS and won't now.

With DS it was me that didn't want to find out. I had to give DH all these reasons not to. The one that got him was "If we have any more, wouldn't gender neutral stuff (PnP, furniture, infant clothing, carseat and stroller) be better? Who would want to re-buy all that crap?" That appealed to the cheap side of him and he was like "YEAH! You are so right!"

I will say that having DH announce to me we had a son was one of the greatest moments of my life : We made it very clear to our Dr. DH was to make the announcement! It was great and I recommend it to anyone who hasn't though of that yet
post #14 of 31
I just think it's more fun.

When my daughter was born, there was meconium in the fluid, so they took a few minutes to suction her out. After all of the months of anticipation, I didn't even think to ask. I was just so happy that my baby was born, and a teensy bit concerned until she was all clear. When the Dr. said "It's a girl!" I was actually surprised to hear it, and it just made the best moment even better.

With my son, the MW told me that she never tells the family - she lets them discover for themselves. That was fun too. As soon as she lifted him up, I said "It's a boy!"

Yeah... a lot of our friends have found out, and I just don't think it's as fun. I love that anticipation while mom is giving birth, and then hearing the big announcement.
post #15 of 31
Announcements...thats a good topic to spin off to on this thread!

When DS #1 was born - we were in the hospital with a midwife. I had a doula, DH and my mom. My mom saw first and shouted out - "It's a boy!" - I remember feeling really let down that she told us! I wasn't ready yet - I was still on a high from the birthing process....

With DS #2 - it was just the my very wonderful HB midwife, DH and I. I was on a birthing stool and helped delivery him and then while I was holding him, our midwife wrapped him in a towel or blanket. So my husband and I just watched him for a little while (DH was behind me, supporting me on the stool) and then I thought "Oh..I don't know what it is! LOL" So I peeked and then said in a sassy sort of voice to DH. "Oooohhhh I know what the baby is!". We laughed when I lifted the blanket just a little so he could see (as though it was a secret from everyone when only the midwife was in the room)!

So fun...and so nice to do it on our own time....

We hope it happens like this with Baby #3, although if DS#1 is there - he is likely to shout out what the baby is! (He really wants to know!).
post #16 of 31
I LOVED the surprise of not knowing with our first.

DH caved and so we found out about this one yesterday, thgouh. I'm a bit disappointed we found out. The surprise was sooo much more fun at birth!
post #17 of 31
We got the 20 week ultrasound with DD and were slightly debating whether to find out. We decided to wait though and I am so glad we did! It was so fun to go back and forth with wondering, and the surprise was so fun when she was born! Plus, the ONSLAUGHT of pink everything once friends/family found out we had a girl was overwhelming. I'm really glad we had gender-neutral stuff from before everyone knew.

This time we don't plan on getting any u/s unless there is a problem, so that makes the decision easy. Even if we did though, we wouldn't find out the gender, we're looking forward to the surprise again!
post #18 of 31
With ds, we were going to find out but they never asked and we never said we wanted to so we just left it a surprise. I think with the rest of our kiddos we are just not going to find out. Like a lot of people have already posted, we really just like the surprise... And the sex of the baby isn't going to change anyway, plus its fun to guess and get feelings as to what you're having and see if you're right when it comes. My sister said I should find out b/c it would make shopping for the baby easier
post #19 of 31
Wow you guys have got me all excited about keeping it a surprise!

I found out with all three. I hate surprises and I hate other people knowing something I don't know (like the tech, the doctor). But this is my fourth and my last so I thought I would do it differently this time. I'm driving myself crazy trying to decide if I think it is a boy or girl though! I did have a 20 week u/s and I do not anticipate any more so looks like we will find out in January!
post #20 of 31


Im due with #6 Jan 11th.

We have gone the route of finding out and not finding out.

#1 hubby just "had to" know, and I didnt care one way or the other, so we did. It should have been straight out of some goofy movie: He sees the umbillical cord on screen and shouts "oh YEAH, that's my boy!. The tech, (who was trying very hard to not pee his pants with laughter) gives me a wink and says "Sir, that's the umbillical cord... this little sopt here is the penis. I however could not control my laughter!

#2 was born 14months after #1 and once again I didnt care one way or the other. Hubby was still feeling a bit sheepish I think, and wasnt able to come with me for the scan, so told me to do whatever I wanted. I had Mil with me at the scan and she wanted to know in the worst way, so I said "go ahead". Hence, we discovered a baby girl.

#3 We had way too many U/s for my liking and we were even using midwives and a birth center! I was (and always have) measuring small for dates by 3-4 weeks and they wanted to keep track of growth with worries of IUGR and olighydramnios. Turns out there was nothing to worry about at all; I should have stuck by my gut instincts. One day when we were having yet another scan, I was very bored with them by this point and just plain old annyoed (every 2 weeks from 28weeks till birth) the tech blurts out "oh, look at him kick! I was so angry!

#4 was a homebirth with a CPM and we had no scans, no tests, and waited till the birthday. Went 14 days past my EDD and birthed a beautiful 8lb 14oz red-haired baby boy. No one said a thing about what he was until I picked him up out of the pool and said "oh, another red-haired boy!. The high was fantastic.

#5 was a planned UC homebirth, but I did see a local MW for prenatals. I was not opposed to having just the 20week scan. I tld the tech I did not want to know, but they could feel free to look as long as the didnt blurt anything out. I had a "mothers instinct" that this one was a girl, as did everyone else in the fam. Upon birtday, we were right.

#6 is another planned UC homebirth, and once again receiving prenatal care from local MW. Having the 20wk scan on Aug26th and prefer to be surprised. Ive got enouigh stuff stockpiled for twins ofeither sex if need by, but as far as I know there's just one in there!

Blessed Journeys to all

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